Rocked Under (21 page)

"I'm sorry but I can't." I whispered and buried my face in my hands. I knew the tears would come soon. He wanted me just once. Just once. There was no point in telling him that I wasn't a 'just once' kind of girl because he wouldn't change for me.

"You're sorry?" he turned and grabbed his hair in his fist. I looked at his back and I could see and feel the frustration, anger and rejection all radiating from him. I knew in that moment that we could never be just friends. All we did was hurt one another and I had to stop it. For both of us I had to put an end to what we had even though I wasn't sure what that was.
 

I knew I loved him but I wasn't sure what he was feeling and Scott hadn't said anything about how he felt. He just wasn't capable of being with one girl like I needed him to be. Like I had to have. If we went further then I knew that, for me, there would be no consolation. For me there would be a lifetime of pain, a lifetime of comparing all the future men in my life to him.
 

Scott wasn't someone that I would get over, ever. The other girls who he slept with didn't know the real Scott, they just saw a hot guy on a stage, a guy that gave them a good time in bed and a guy that they could brag about. But I knew the person behind the face and I knew that he was beautiful inside and out. His only downfall was the fact that he couldn't stay with one girl. He couldn't be loyal. I knew what my future entailed and I wanted to be happy. I didn't want to fall into the same trap as my mum had. For myself and for her, I would do the right thing, the only thing I could do. I wanted to be able to show my stupid dad how it was supposed to be.

Scott turned to look at me and I sat up straighter to meet his gaze.

"You want this too," he accused, his voice rough.

"No, Scott, I don't," I was pleased at the strength in my voice but I almost faltered when his expression looked pained.

"You're driving me fuckin' crazy, babe. I don't know why you can't just–"

"Just what, Scott?" I paused, "Sleep with you? Add to the mile long list of girls you've already had?" al>

He looked shocked at my words.

"I could never be with you, Scott." I looked him straight in the eye, my throat squeezed painfully when I saw his brows draw together in hurt. I hardened myself to it. This was for the best. "We will never be together so just stop this. I thought we could be friends but I was wrong. I don't know how I could make my feelings more obvious to you. I've told you that I'm not yours but you still treat me as if I am! It stops now. All this has got to stop."

Silence stretched as we stared each other down. I was almost shaking with the effort to keep my gaze steady and hard.

"You're lying," he was right but he could never know that. "I know you are and this whole situation is fucked up," his hands made fists.

"Fucked up? You're the one that has a different girl here every night."

"How do you know? I'm actually not as bad as you think I am."

"Oh, please, dont even try to tell me that I'm wrong."
 

"Don't lie to me and tell me that we have nothing because I see it on your face."

"Really? Why would I lie? Let's face it, if I really wanted you that way I could've had you anytime," I cringed mentally. I sounded like a total bitch. It was okay if he hated me. It would make things easier but hurting him was like hurting myself.

"I don't believe you, I
know
you. I know that this isn't you. I know you want me too. I know every expression. I know when you lie and I know when you're hiding something and," he squinted at me, "I know when you're afraid."

I looked away from him, this wasn't working out as well as I'd hoped it would. "I won't be with you because you sleep with anyone. You're not choosy about who you're with. You have no morals and I," I took a breath, "can do better."

He rocked back as if I'd slapped him hard. I kept my stony expression plastered to my face as if it was my lifeline, the only thing keeping me from crumbling.

I felt awful for hurting him. After the shock of what I'd just said, his face changed to a mask of cold disdain. 

He went to open his mouth to say something but instead he come at me so fast I flinched, I thought he would hit me.

He grabbed the tips of my shoulders and shook me in anger.

“Why'd you string me along?" he said through gritted teeth. "Why did you let me think that?—” He released me and stood over me, "You know what?" his eyes had turned colder than I'd ever seen them, like splintered emeralds encased in ice. "I fucking hate you," his voice held more contempt and conviction than I had ever heard from him. With a last glare he turned and slammed the door on his way out.

I sat there motionless, unable to move, unable to think. Just numb and Jusont cstaring into space going over and over in my head the things that were said, the different expressions on his face. I sat there for a long time, knowing that Scott would not be coming back for a good while. 

He hated me and my insides felt squeezed and coiled, ready to release the pain that was bubbling and boiling just beneath my skin.

He hated me. He didn't really give a shit anyway, I told myself. It was all probably to get me on my back. My eyes stung as the first few tears streaked down my face and off my jaw. It was better this way but it hurt like hell. My body was shaking with the force of my sobs when I heard the door open.

I froze and looked towards the door. A figure much like Scott’s stood there looking back at me frozen. It was Scott's dad. I scrambled to my feet.

"Hi," his voice was pleasant, "are you one of Scott's friends?"
 

I nodded, "I was just leaving," my voice was raw and shaky.

Scott's dad frowned, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I–Scott's not here, he went out so I'm gonna go," 

"You're welcome to stay and wait for him, you know, I don't bite. Whats your name?" he smiled at me and his face was so much like Scott's that it was like
a punch in the stomach. Scott would never smile at me like that again.

"Its Emma. I can't stay, It's late."
 

"Ah, British Emma," he smiled, "it's nice to finally meet you."

Finally meet me? Scott had told him a bout me? I made my way stiffly to the door and turned back to him. "It was nice to finally meet you too," I said, not forgetting my manners.

"Are you sure you're alright?" he watched me with curious eyes that were so much like Scott's.

"Yes, I'm fine, um, Scott shouldn't be long." I opened the door and walked away with a quick
bye
.

Chapter Twenty-four

A week later, I went home for Christmas. I hadn't seen Scott since the night I ended it our friendship, or whatever it was. I had been avoiding anything familiar with him. Ash had told me that he was drunk every night and sleeping around. I didn't want to hear it but I couldn't say anything to her about it. He had people back every night and he cranked the music up loud. I could hear girls giggling and then I’d hear them leave silently the next morning. It hurt like hell, but I had done it. I had been the one to cut ties so I couldn’t moan and I had no right to any bad feelings but I still couldn’t help it.
 

No one knew about Scott and I so there was really nobody to talk to. I definitely couldn't off-load on Ash. I didn't want to admit that I had gone and done what I never said I would do and fall ass-over-tit for him. I tried to act normal but I think Ash knew something was bothering me and was waiting for me to tell heJuson dor myself.

Christmas came and went. One minute I was upset and hurt and the next guilt ripped through me at what I had said to him. I couldn't win with myself and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I spent a lot of time in my room just listening to music and checking my phone constantly for any messages from him but there were none.

My mum came into my room a few days before returning to college.

"Emma, are you alright?" concern was in her voice.

"Yeah, why do you ask?" I smiled.

"It's just you've been so down since you came home." She sat beside me on my bed.

"I'm fine; just tired." I smiled wryly.

"I know my little girl, Emma. I know you're upset and I have a feeling it's over a boy, am I right?" her gaze was penetrating mine and I couldn't lie.

"Not a boy, mum; a man," I corrected.

Her eyes widened, "How old is he, darling?"

"Twenty-two."

"Tell me about him." She took my hand in hers and waited patiently for me to spill.

I sighed as I told her about him. I told her pretty much everything from him being in a band to his reputation with girls while she sat beside me, stroking my hand soothingly. Tears fell down my face when I told her that I loved him but I couldn't be with him because I didn't want to be hurt and betrayed by him. Because it was not an
if
but a
when
.

Everything, all the details came pouring out of me and afterwards, it was as if the weight on my heart seemed lighter.

Mum was silent for a minute after I stopped talking. She stared down at my hand while she stroked it in her hands.

"This is my fault."
 

"No, mum, it's not."

She raised a hand up to stop me. "Emma," her hand went to my cheek as her eyes softened. "You shouldn't be afraid to fall in love. I know why it's frightening to you but I can tell you that your father and I, well, our situation was different. I chose to ignore what was happening instead of confronting him about it. I was so hurt that I didn't want to think about the answer he would give me. Do you understand? I buried my head in the sand because it was easier than facing the truth. In a way, my depression was partly my own doing."

"Mum, thats not true. It was his fault." I didn't want to hear her talk like this and blame herself for it.

"Let me speak," she was firm. "You cant blame your father for all of it. I had no family around me, no close friends that I could talk to and I didn't want to bother your aunt with any of it. She never wanted me to leave here for England so I was too ashamed to go to her when things went wrong." Her eyes gentled again. "You have family around fam. She nyou and you're strong, Emma. Dont miss out on life because you're afraid of what might happen, thats no way to live, darling. We all need to love whether we regret it or not and–" she squeezed my hand. "–you are no different from anyone else, my heart."
 

"
Scott sounds as though he cares for you a great deal and he is probably frustrated and
confused
by your behaviour."

"I dont know, he's pretty bad when it comes to girls."

"But has he ever treated you badly?"

I shook my head, "Not really."

I looked at her, for the first time since being back, I really looked at her. Her lips were turned up at the corners and her dark blue eyes were lighter, shinier. Her face had plumped out again and she had colour in her cheeks. Her blonde hair had been styled with lowlights.

"Wow, mum, you look yummy."

She laughed, "
Yummy?
"

"Yeah," I smiled.

"So, can we enjoy our last few days together without you mooning over Scott Mason?"

I wasn't sure what I would do but I would try to forget about him for now. Knowing the reasons behind my mums depression helped me a lot and I knew that I would never be alone. I would always have my family to back me up and pick me up if I needed it. I smiled inwardly as my fear started to shrink away a little.
 

"So, do you think I should let him have his wicked way with me?"

She gasped, "Emma, I'm not giving you permission to go out and, um–"

"Have sex." I filled in for her.

"Yes, I'm not saying that, but I dont want you to fear losing something that you dont have. Sometimes you have to take risks to be truly happy and I took a big one with your father by moving us over there and I
was
very happy for a long time. He just changed so much…"

"Do you still love him?" I already knew the answer, but I wanted it confirmed.

"Yes, I do." She said quietly. "I love the person he used to be, I'll never stop loving that person and I know he's still in there somewhere."

"You can forgive him?" I was surprised.

"Forgiveness should be given to a person that needs it, not only does it show compassion for that person, but in a way, it sets them free to forgive themselves when they are ready and to move on. You will understand one day but keeping grudges close to us, isn't healthy."

I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her close. "Love you, mum."

"I love you too, my heart."

The first day back I saw him. Ash and I had arrived back late last night, the house was in darkness and there was no sign of Scott. Now, he was leaow,#00000ning against the wall outside the main building of campus looking more gorgeous than I had ever seen him. His head was down looking into his phone and my pulse sped as I realised I would have to walk straight past him to get into the building.