Rocked on the Road (6 page)

"Okay, whatever." He sighed. "Can we just go back to the hotel? They need to close the club."

"Fine." I grabbed my purse and left the room, not caring if he was following me this time. I found Beth waiting at the entrance, chatting with someone in a staff t-shirt.

"Liss, do you want a ride?"

"No, but I'm sure Joe does. Can you call me a cab?"

The staff guy looked at me closely and I could see the state of my face in his eyes. Makeup smudged, nose running, clothes wrinkled. "How about this," he offered, "You ladies head out and I'll give Joe a ride to the hotel myself. We were gonna talk about some equipment comparisons anyway."

"That sounds great," Beth said. She took my arm and led me over to the SUV. "Get in."

A deep fatigue came over me and I could barely climb inside the vehicle.

Once we were both buckled in, Beth put the key in the ignition but didn't turn it. "Are you okay?"

"No," I whispered, lowering my head so my hair covered my face.

"I'm here if you want to talk. And even if you don't, tell me what you need and I'll help you."

"Thanks. Um…" My voice broke. "I think I need somewhere else to sleep tonight."

"Okay, we can do that. You can bunk with me, or we can get you another room."

I looked at the clock on the dash. It was really late. "With you is fine."

"All right. Let's get going, then."

We drove to the hotel in silence, which continued until the door to Beth's room was shut and locked behind us.

She moved a suitcase off of the second bed and shrugged. "Here you go. I think I have something you can sleep in, and there's an extra tooth brush in the bathroom."

"Thanks." I looked down at my rumpled clothes and frowned. "But I doubt anything of yours would fit me."

"Don't worry about that, Liss. Go into the bathroom and wash your face. I'll hand you something in."

"Okay." I meekly obeyed, no more fight left in me. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and stared at my reflection. Once again, I barely recognized the girl looking back at me. But this time she was a hollow shell of me, pale and blotchy, eyes full of pain and bone-deep exhaustion.

Beth slid the door open a crack and dropped in a pile of fabric. I stripped down my panties and slipped the t-shirt on. It was, thankfully, not one of the band's. The hem didn't really cover me enough, but I just left the room and climbed into bed.

"Do you need anything else?" Beth's voice was even, but I could see the concern in her eyes.

"Just some sleep," I replied.

"Okay. Good night."

"'Night."

She shut off the light and I curled up in a ball facing the wall, hoping I could get a little bit of rest, if not any peace.

I didn't so much sleep as pass out from exhaustion, but a few hours of oblivion was better than nothing. Or sitting up all night sobbing. I'd gotten so used to the same old routine that I couldn't handle the big up and down swings of life with Joe. As wonderful as he made me feel, now I felt equally awful. When I woke it was sunny and the bed next to me was empty. There was, however, a tray on the table and a note. Beth had gone to handle some work stuff but she told me to call her if I needed anything.

But thoughtfully she'd left everything I actually wanted. Coffee, some pastries and a small bag of my own clothes and toiletries that she must have fetched from Joe's room while I slept. I bet that was an awkward encounter.

I sucked down some of the wonderful caffeine and started to feel almost human again. But Beth's kindness made me realize how much I needed a friend. So I called Kelly.

She answered, voice full of happiness, until she heard how dejected and drained mine was.

"Liss? What's wrong?"

"Oh, just about everything," I said, dragging my tired body back to bed with a freshly topped off cup of coffee.

"Is it Joe? You sound so sad. Only boys make you sound like that."

I laughed sharply. "Thanks for that reminder, pal. It is Joe. But not just him. This trip seemed so perfect at first but it all fell apart."

"Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. But what did you think would happen? You could outrun unhappiness?"

"No. Maybe." She knew me too well.

"Yeah, well that never works. Want to tell me about it?"

"Not really. Someday, of course. But right now I need to figure out what to do and I can't do that if I start crying hysterically again."

"You can come home. Or you can stay there. Whatever is going on has clearly made you miserable. Have you talked to Joe about all this?"

"Does yelling like a crazy person count as talking to him?"

"No." She laughed. "No it doesn't."

"Ah. Then no, I haven't."

"Maybe you should."

I bit my lower lip and shrugged.

"Hello? Did you hang up on me?"

"No. I'm just thinking."

"Liss, I've know you a long time. You spend too much time thinking. Talk to the man."

"But what if he's part of the problem?"

"Then tell him that too. If you care about him you have to be honest. Whatever happens at least you'll have that."

I hugged my knees to my chest. "You're right. I know you are."

"I'm always right." She laughed. "Now go get your man. Yours is an epic romance, don't forget that. You're Romeo and Juliet."

"Oh god, now I am depressed. They died."

"Well, then some other mythical lovers who survived. I can't think of anyone off the top of my head – which explains why I'm already behind in history this semester."

I snorted. "I can't think of any either. Maybe because there are none."

"Well then you and Joe can be the first."

I laughed and meant it. "Yeah, I bet. The rock star and the waitress. One for the ages."

"That’s the spirit. Now, go talk to him and call me later, okay?"

"Okay."

"Good. Hey, I miss you, friend."

"Me too."

I hung up, finished the coffee and got dressed, resolved to follow Kelly's advice, but knowing I had to hurry before I chickened out.

The elevator ride and walk to Joe's room – our room – took forever.

I knocked on the door softly, half hoping he wouldn't answer.

But scant seconds later it swung open and there he was, gorgeous as the first day I'd met him. Part of me was pleased to see he looked almost as bad as I felt, though. His hair was spikey and matted on one side and there were deep circles under his eyes.

"Liss," he said, just staring at me. I'd come to love the way my name sounded coming out of his mouth. As if every feeling he felt for me was sung through that one syllable.

"Hey."

"I-I wasn't sure if you'd come back here." His voice broke at the end and my hand reached out unconsciously to soothe him, but I snatched it back.

"Sorry, I just needed some time to rest and think."

"I understand."

"We should talk, okay?"

"Of course. But, uh…Ryan just called me. We're supposed to be leaving in a little bit."

"Oh, right. I forgot."

"I can tell him to wait."

"No, we should go. We can talk on the bus."

"Yeah?" He smiled, flashing that insanely sexy uneven grin.

"Yeah."

"Help me pack up?"

"Okay."

~*~

Things were incredibly and uncharacteristically quiet on the bus. Ryan ignored me. Dex smiled and waved but said nothing. Beth nodded supportively. Matthew and Rick were nestled in their bunks already, curtains open but dead to the world.

Joe and I retreated to the bedroom but this time we sat as far apart as possible on the small bed.

Joe spoke after a long pause as the bus pulled out of the lot. "Do you want to go first?"

I nodded and took a deep breath.

"First of all, I am sorry for screaming at you like that last night. It wasn't right or fair. I'm upset with you but that's not how to handle things.

"All of this is so new to me, I haven't even had a real boyfriend since high school and I've never come close to spending every waking moment with someone. It's natural that we're going to disagree and I need to talk to you, not yell at you."

I twisted my fingers in my lap, unsure where to go next. So many thoughts were churning in my head I didn't know how to get them in order, let alone force them out of my mouth in word-form.

"Anyway, I did mean some of what I said, but not how I said it. I came here to be with you, and to see what it would be like. But this whole thing is your life, not mine. And I can't just exist to please you."

"I don't want you to."

"I know that. I swear, I do. But I can't help how I feel. And I've been worried about it since I agreed, but just trying to ignore it. And after the other night when you shared so much with me I thought maybe this is the right place for me. But then you seemed so distant. So cold. And I was hurt."

Joe closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "I never want to hurt you, Liss."

"I know. But the truth is we barely know each other and-"

"No. That's bullshit. I know you. And you know me."

"In some ways. But I can't run away from home and expect you to make everything perfect every minute. That isn't real life."

"I just want you to be happy. As happy as you make me."

"I'm not, though. That's my point. I thought I could leave all my problems and issues at home and just come and play." Tears stung my eyes. "But I can't. I care about you so much and it's happened so fast and here come my problems right along with us from city to city. And then new ones join the party."

He slid down the bed closer and took my hand. "What new ones?"

"You, Joe. You're so amazing and caring and passionate and wonderful. But you're also a budding celebrity. And constantly surrounded by people who adore you. I can't compete with that."

"I don't care about anyone's adoration but yours."

I patted his hand and moved away. "That's sweet, but not true. Being loved by a huge room full of strangers is part of who you are. That's what I didn't see before. I thought public Joe and private Joe were different people. That who you are in front of the world was a mask. But it isn't. It's another side of you. Not bad, just different."

"And you don't like that part of me?"

"It isn't that. But there's no place for me when that side of you is in control. No room for some awkward fat girl tagging along."

"That isn't how I see you."

"I know. But that's part of who I am, too. And it's magnified under the bright light that shines on you."

"So what do we do?"

I wiped my eyes and looked up at him. "I don't know."

"What do you want to do?"

"Lock the door and hide from the world forever."

"So let's do that." He stood up and flipped the latch on the door before turning back to me. "I don't want to let you go, Liss. Can't we just be happy here and now? Deal with the rest when it comes?"

I stood up and reached out to caress his cheek, running my fingers over his stubbled skin. I wanted to tell him no, that there was too much at stake, that I was falling in love with him and terrified of losing him or losing myself.

As we touched a spark of static electricity went from my fingertip to his face and I gave in. There would be time for planning and worrying. But for the moment I wanted things to feel like they had before when the wide open road was ahead of us and anything was possible.

So I pulled his chin down and kissed him, tasting his lips. He froze for a second but then sprang into action, wrapping his arms around me and returning the kiss deeply. Our tongues and teeth collided as the desperate passion grew and I sobbed against his mouth and clung to his shoulders to keep from drowning.

Joe kicked off his shoes and shoved his pants down without breaking the kiss. He walked me back the few steps to the bed and let me fall onto it before removing my jeans and panties. We were fully clothed from the waist up but naked below, and neither of us wanted to take the time to fix it.

I pulled him down on top of me and gasped as I felt him growing hard between my legs. "Fuck me," I pleaded with tears in my eyes.

And he did, plunging inside fast and hard. I wasn't totally ready and it almost hurt, but in a way that felt right somehow. Once he was seated deep in my body I ran my hands up and down his back under the shirt, pushing up and pulling him down. Deeper.

Joe's hips bucked fast and his mouth crashed down on mine, smashing our chests together roughly and sending the air from my lungs in a rush. But suddenly I didn't need air, I just needed him thrusting inside me below and kissing me above.

With frenzied, awkward motions we moved against each other, harder and faster than ever before. The movement of the bus below us heightened every sensation and I went panting over a cliff of ecstasy and fell for a long, long time. But before it ended Joe reached between us and thumbed my clit, sending me over again, this time screaming into his mouth.

He sped up even more, hammering me at an impossible pace where I couldn't tell in any moment if he was entering or retreating. Not that it mattered. I dug my nails into his skin and he bucked harder. Driving again and again into my most intimate place as if he wanted to push all the way inside me and stay there forever.

When he came he pulled back and looked into my eyes. He was crying too and I held him close, sweaty bodies sticking together and bruised hearts clinging to each other.

Lack of sleep took us both over and my eyes fluttered. Joe, his head nestled by my neck, muttered something I could barely make out, his voice full of emotion and exhaustion. "I need you, Liss. Please don't go."

I struggled to wake up enough to reply. "Joe…"

"No, wait. Let me say this. I know you're scared and I understand. But I don't want to do this without you. You brighten every day for me. And if I need to work harder to do the same for you, I will. But I can't imagine any of this without you here. Not anymore."

Part of me swelled with joy to hear him say that, but the rest of me was left cold. I closed my eyes and just held onto him, unable to do anything else for the moment.

Eventually the bus stopped and everyone got off. Joe and I dressed and did the same, filing into a hotel with the others, a now very familiar process. But as I watched some people in the lobby eye the band, some waving and others just curious, I was strangely detached. Hanging back from the group I could see how they all fit together. I wasn't a part of that and I never would be, no matter how much I tried or how lovely some of them were.