Road to Berry Edge, The (25 page)

‘Why did you do that?' she said. ‘You must have met women younger and prettier and easier to deal with than me, and I don't believe for a second that you have any regard for me.' She was almost in tears. ‘You're not going to tell me that you love me, are you?'

‘Faith—'

‘Harry told me all about your wife, how beautiful she was, how accomplished, educated and admired. You could pretend to be John for a little while. Do you think I could pretend to be Sarah?'

‘I don't want you to pretend to be Sarah.'

‘Then at least one of us can be honest,' Faith said, and pulled open the heavy oak door and ran inside.

Rob reached her before she got to the stairs.

‘I'm sorry,' he said. ‘I didn't do it on purpose. It's just that we've spent so much time together recently, and it's been very nice having you around me and … I've got used to you. I don't want you to go, I don't want to be without you. Stay just a little while, just a little longer.'

*

As soon as they had gone, as soon as Harry was left with Rob's mother and Faith's parents and the works all to himself, he realised that he had made two serious errors. They began to talk about Faith and Rob warmly and kindly. The word ‘wedding' seemed to hang in the
air like rainclouds. His mother and her mother got together over the teacups and discussed times and places and people and grandchildren and it was to Harry as though Rob had known, even before anything was said, that this was what he was meant to do now. That this would make up for everything which had gone wrong, and that he could finally bear it.

Had Faith not been there almost every minute of every day since Rob had been hurt? Had not Harry himself sent her to Rob on that fateful night and persuaded her to take the part of his wife? Perhaps things had been decided then in some way and there was no other road to go ahead, and perhaps Rob had known long before they set off on the journey to Nottingham that he would woo and win her. He would do it easily, Harry thought, closing his eyes over his own shortsightedness. The ghost of Sarah would not stop Rob, and he had had Susannah's answer long since. Love didn't matter now, it was duty that presented itself. He could imagine Rob trying with Faith, talking gently to her, spending time with her. They had been together such a lot lately; sometimes there had been laughter from Rob's bedroom and the sound of voices in harmony. He thought of Rob kissing Faith. She had not been kissed in so long. She would marry him, thinking he was John, she would marry him because she would see him as rich and clever. No wonder Faith's mother smiled so much. And Mrs Berkeley could go on for the rest of her life comforted that Faith had finally married her almost forgiven son.

The second mistake was even harder to bear, and this one did not become immediately apparent. It was like a dripping tap. It took days to get to him. It took Harry weeks to admit to himself that he missed Faith, to think of how much time Faith and Rob had spent together without him, and more time than that before he lay sleepless in bed and wanted Faith with a longing such as he had never felt for another
person in his life. And even then he tried to talk himself out of it.

How could he love Faith? It was stupid and impossible. He came to the conclusion that it was only because he could not physically have her; but then he could not physically have any respectable woman without a wedding, and he had not felt like this about them before. Faith was not even of his social class, if you thought particularly about it. She had no connections, little money.

It took Harry all his determination not to go to London and somehow stop Rob from asking Faith to be his wife. Only the knowledge that it would do no good held him back. Rob was probably the only man Faith could marry now, because he was almost John. Harry had to make himself stay there and work hard and keep things together without any help, and put up with the cosy chats over the fire in the evening.

*

To Faith, it was all a repetition of the happiest time of her life. Rob had become John to her, and although she was older it seemed that she was eighteen again; everything in her life was in front of her, and behind her were the long sunny days of her childhood with him. It was the perfect part of her life come back.

She had tried to resist, she had tried to refuse, knowing that Ida and Vincent were very much against the idea, but Rob pressed her, held her, kissed her. It was all too much for Faith. She knew that Rob's mother and her parents hoped and longed for such a thing to happen. When Rob held her in his arms, it was ghostlike somehow from all the years before, and compensation for all those nights without John. She didn't have to be alone any more. The dullness of her life in Berry Edge was gone. She could have a future with Rob, be his wife and have children. It was interesting and exciting, and he was so liked and admired that Faith became caught up in it.

When Rob asked her to marry him, he kissed her very slowly and gently on the mouth. Faith couldn't stop him, she didn't remember how. All the years, all the emptiness fled. She could feel his fingertips on her neck lightly, he wasn't touching her but for that and his mouth. Faith closed her eyes and lifted her face so that he could reach her better, and his fingers closed around her chin. She couldn't think about anything but the feel of his fingers and the warmth of his lips. She drew closer and he put one hand on her waist and pulled her against him; and there the memories stopped, because John had never done such a thing. Under a hard, searching kiss, her love for him began.

Nancy saw Michael before he saw her, and but for his height would not have recognised him. He obviously did not expect to be met. His shoulders were hunched, he didn't look up, he was very thin and had about him such an air of defeat that Nancy hesitated even from just across the road. He had never looked less like Sean, but she could not be grateful for that. And when she crossed the street and saw his white tired face and dull narrowed eyes she hesitated again, and then he saw her and his whole face lit.

‘Nancy!' he said. ‘I didn't think you'd come, not for a minute.'

He looked as though he would have liked to hug her. Because he didn't move, she went to him and put her arms around him and she could feel the sudden gladness on him, the delight and she was pleased. She had missed him so much, thought about him so often.

‘I was worried about you,' he said.

He had his face buried down against her shoulder just for a few seconds, and then he looked into her face and smiled.

‘How are the bairns? Where are they?'

‘They're fine. They're back at the house.'

‘Where are you living and how?'

Nancy didn't know what to say to him. She released him and he let go, and they began walking very slowly along the road towards Elvet Bridge.

‘You look very well,' he said.

‘We're fine. We had to leave Berry Edge.'

‘I thought you would, but then I thought maybe … maybe Rob had looked after you.'

Nancy glanced at him to hear Rob's first name on his lips. ‘He couldn't do that.'

Michael stopped. ‘Is he all right, Nancy?'

‘He's fine. He's gone away back to the south. Miss Norman's gone an' all.'

‘Miss Norman?'

‘Aye. She spent a lot of time around him after— after things went wrong.'

‘I don't think they'd make much of a couple,' Michael said. ‘She says her prayers too often.'

‘Everybody says their prayers more often than you,' Nancy said.

‘I'm glad he's all right. I never meant for it to go that far.'

‘It wasn't just you. He was bad for a long while. I don't think he's better yet but he will be—'

‘You can't keep a good man down, is that it?' Michael said, and looked like his old self, Nancy thought.

‘I don't know about good. I've cursed him into Hell and out of it since we had to leave. Caught between you and him, I didn't know where I was.'

‘How are you getting on? How have you managed?'

‘I want to talk to you about it before we go back.'

‘Why?'

They reached the bridge, and when they got to the far side they went down the steps and began to walk along the towpath a little way. Nancy didn't know how to start.

‘You haven't got married, have you?' Michael said in a queer hard voice.

‘Married?' Nancy wanted to laugh, but didn't when she looked into his white face and saw that his eyes had darkened almost to black. ‘Who on earth would I marry,
and whatever for?' She wanted to add, ‘when I have you', but she couldn't.

‘What, then?'

‘It's just that … I had a hard time at first. I tried sewing and it wouldn't make enough to keep us in this horrible room … and then I met some people. Susannah and Claire.'

‘Susannah?'

‘Susannah Seaton. Do you know her?'

‘Everybody does. She's the most beautiful woman in the county. I thought she'd left. Is that how you've managed?'

‘And if I had, what would you say?'

‘I'd say that I should've had more sense and taken better care of you.'

‘I'm living with them, keeping house for them. They took us in, but I didn't want to go back there with you and for you to think ill of us.'

‘You mean I can go there?'

‘Yes, if you want.'

‘How could I think ill of people who were willing to have me when I have nothing?'

‘That's what I hoped you would say,' Nancy said.

They walked slowly back to the house. There Michael had a bath, Nancy gave him new clothes which she had bought for him, and he had a meal with them. Apart from the way that the clothes were big on him, Michael looked good, Nancy thought, though he was obviously pale and tired.

‘You didn't say he was like that, Nancy,' Claire said when they washed up together in the kitchen.

‘Like what?'

Claire glanced sideways at her. ‘Is he yours then?'

‘I'm not sure,' Nancy said, breathless at the idea. ‘I hope so.'

‘Be sure,' Claire said, ‘otherwise somebody might grab him.'

That night, after the children had insisted on being put
to bed by Michael, he stood in the sitting room looking out. Nancy went to him there.

‘It's very strange not being in gaol. I feel almost as though there's too much space around me, like I'm going to fall over because there's nothing to hold on to. I'm grateful for the help, Nancy, I really am. I'll go out and find some work tomorrow.'

‘Grateful?'

‘Yes, I didn't expect it. I know how you feel about me.'

‘Do you?'

‘I know what our Sean did and I know how much like him I am.'

‘You're nothing like him,' Nancy said.

‘Yes, I am. Only I've learned to be different lately.'

He was like Sean to Nancy. He was like she had thought Sean might be, like she thought Sean was before they were married. A little distressing voice told her that Sean had been like this when she knew him as she knew Michael now, and he had made her hate him, except that Sean had never been really kind or generous. He had never liked the children, he had never looked at her as Michael did. He had wanted her, had married her out of lust, because he craved her body, because she had been young and pretty.

‘Will you come for a walk with me?' he asked. ‘I want to feel really free.'

Susannah and Claire were both in to listen for the children, so Nancy and Michael walked along the towpath, away from the town, towards Pelaw Woods. Nancy waited for him to stop and kiss her but he didn't. It was the only thing that marred the day.

*

When Rob and Faith came home that summer Faith was almost a different person. Harry was disappointed with this beautiful, elegant woman. Rob had dressed her in expensive, fashionable clothes, had her hair done in the latest style, and most of all she was happy as Harry had
never seen her. He wished to have back the dowdy little chapelgoer who had cared so much. All Faith could talk about was what they had done in London, the concerts, the parties, the people she had got to know until Harry itched to slap her. Rob had put a diamond ring on to Faith's finger. It sparkled in the summer evening.

She was a woman in love, Harry could see, and it made him miserable. He wanted her to be happy but he wanted her to be happy with him. She shone for Rob, she looked at him all the time, hung around him, put her fingers about his arm, laughed up into his face. She didn't go once to the graveyard after she came home and neither did she go to Chapel. Harry was jealous. Her lovely green eyes were brilliant.

Rob went back to work and he complained about everything that had been done in his absence.

‘You've done nothing for months. I've had it all to do,' Harry fumed.

‘I thought I could leave you to get it right.'

‘You're turning into your father,' Harry said, and went away to his own office so that he wouldn't hit Rob.

Half an hour later Rob walked in.

‘Leisure doesn't suit me,' he said. ‘I wanted to come back a month ago.'

‘Did you?' Harry said eagerly.

‘I knew you'd make a mess of things while I was gone.'

Harry clipped him lightly round the ear. ‘How are you feeling?'

‘I'm fine.'

‘Faith looks wonderful.'

‘Doesn't she? I knew she could.'

The wedding was planned for August. Harry wondered if Rob would remember that last year he had gone away with Susannah.

‘Have you heard anything about Michael?'

‘No.'

‘He must be long out by now. Didn't he come back?'

‘He'd hardly think we'd give him a job, would he?' Harry said, and when Rob didn't answer he said, ‘Come on, Rob. You can't take him on, you can't afford to. The men would laugh at you.'