River's Return (River's End Series, #3) (21 page)

But he was not the man she expected to find that chemistry with. Many of the things she once disapproved of were now almost objects of worship.

He and Jack were talking as Shane collected his wallet off the desk near the front door. Shane started motioning to her, and she followed, as if by rote, saying goodbye to all and blushing at the revelation that she was going on a date with Shane.

They took her car and Shane drove. Allison was suddenly almost shy with nerves. She had not felt shy, much less tongue-tied with anyone in at least a dozen years. They drove into a small town nearly an hour away where a little bistro looked out towards the river. Allison restrained her initial surprise at the location. It was more like the kind of place she’d have expected Patrick to take her to, and not the bike-riding, tattooed Shane. Feeling somewhat ashamed for judging him, she was starting to see the invalidity of her assumptions regarding who or what Shane was. His quite expressive outward appearance didn’t necessarily reflect his values or goals. Stereotypes did not apply to Shane.

He opened the door for her, and pulled out her chair. They were finally enjoying a dinner together with flowers and a linen draped table. After they order dinner, he took her hand in his across the table, twirling her fingers with his as they discussed Erin’s progress at length. Shane asked pensive questions that required a good five or ten minutes to answer. He also asked how she came to be a teacher. His eyes were riveted on hers, which she found disconcerting. No man ever got riveted over her. That’s not to say she wasn’t well loved before. She and Patrick had a good, solid relationship, but years had passed since she felt quite so interesting.

“How did you meet Patrick?” His tone was soft and curious.

She smiled sadly, staring out at the sky that was turning to sunset over the water. It left a hollow sense of disbelief in her chest when she realized how far she and Patrick had come to now be over. 

“We met our first year in college, and started dating the following year.” Shane gripped her hand more tightly in his. Shane’s silent support, or whatever he offered her was really good for persuading her to talk about things she rarely talked about. He could get her to confide in him, and elaborate more on what she wanted to say about anything.

“It started out so normal. Typical. We dated the appropriate two years, got engaged for nine months, and had a lovely, tasteful wedding with a hundred and fifty of our closest friends and family. We both worked full time, and managed to save up twenty percent of the purchase price of our house. We bought a pretty, two-story house that was well below what we could afford so our payments would always be workable and responsible. We drove bland, reliable, economic, and efficient cars, and waited three years before trying to start a family. In those years, we did all the things we knew we could not do once we had kids. We traveled quite a bit. Never extravagantly, just trips over each summer while we had the time off. We went out to dinner every Saturday, and we were the best of friends. We had a good marriage.

“I know my explanation of it sounds exaggerated. Like we were some boring, complacent, cardboard cutouts of a marriage. We sound like it. We were both responsible, careful with money, and balanced each other well. But we were
in love.
We loved each other and valued our friendship, which made all the rest of it not so boring, or ordinary, or predictable. We were both striding toward common goals. We wanted three kids. We worked extra hard to get into the house. We were so proud of our achievements. Everything we accomplished was exactly what we dreamed about. We were living our dreams. Until… shit, I’m sorry. You don’t want to hear the rest.”

“I asked,” Shane said simply. His fingertips caressed the top of her hand.

She shook her head. “I’m one of those dates who can’t discuss her ex without regret and longing.”

“Until what? What were you going to say? Until Gabrielle?”

“Yes.” She stared into his eyes, but he didn’t flinch. He wasn’t pissed at her rather complimentary description of her marriage and her ex. His eyes grew wide and seemed filled with kindness and understanding towards her. She took in a weary breath. “Yes, until Gabrielle died.”

“What happened after?”

“I ruined it all.” She shrugged and fresh tears welled up in her eyes. Forget Shane ever wanting to have sex with her again after this pity fest. Not to mention, crying over her ex and her failed relationship. “I pushed him away, Shane. Day after day. I could not get over it.”

“And he could?”

“No. That’s the stupid part. He wasn’t insensitive, or pushing past it like it didn’t happen. He grieved, and cried. I cried. I worked. And I shut down. I just completely shut down on him and myself and our former life together. So you see? It was a tragic accident, but I let it ruin our marriage.”

“How did Sandy come into the picture?”

“She was someone he met at work. They were friends, and eventually, they fell in love. I never really asked about the exact timelines. Even if they slept together for a while before we split, you have to understand, I shut down in
every way
. I would not have even cared about him cheating back then. I wasn’t a very good wife to him, you see.”

“Seems like by coming here, he wants you to know he understands and forgives you. Maybe you should do the same. Extreme stress makes everyone act differently. There’s no fault-finding, or right way to grieve. I’ll bet half of the time, marriages end when something like that happens.”

“I joined this group through the hospital that met once a month. It was moms mostly who lost their babies. Either stillborn or in the days after birth. One mother had to decide when to take her baby off life support. She could not forgive herself for doing so, even though there was no other choice. Sometimes, I think I was fortunate. At least, I was spared that.”

“That group? Did it help you?”

She shrugged and her hand went limp in his. Anytime she talked about that period in her life, all her emotions seemed to wither up into frozen nothings. “I cried a lot. They cried a lot. It was the saddest group of women you could imagine; and all of them felt exactly as I did: no one else could understand our loss. We lost our children, our babies. Most people compare it to having a miscarriage, and take comfort from the fact that we didn’t know our children. Therefore, they say it isn’t like we totally lost them. Somehow, that lets people feel justified in trying to cut our grief into half of what it really is. So yes, it helped by giving me a place to grieve and mourn for Gabrielle totally and fully. I lost my child.”

“And you think you should have let that go by now?  Because Patrick found someone else?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered finally.

“Maybe it just happened, Allison. Maybe it wasn’t your fault or his. Maybe it was just too much grief. Too much sadness. Maybe it was no one’s fault. Least of all, a mother grieving for her baby.”

Tears filled her eyes and she turned her head down so she was staring at her knees under the tablecloth. She felt like turning on her side and heaving in sobs. Instead, she took several shuddering breaths. Shaking her head, she finally mumbled. “Worst date ever, huh? Dead babies and ex-husbands…”

Shane suddenly stood up, and came around the table before nearly lifting her up by her elbows until she was facing him. Despite the crowded restaurant, one arm encircled her waist and the other lifted her jaw in his hand so she was looking up at him. “Most honest date ever. And I would not trade this for any other date I’ve ever been on.” He lowered his head and his lips were just a soft touch on hers. She gasped when he raised his eyes and nodded towards the small dance floor where several couples were already swaying to the jazz song playing.

“Dance with me?”

She was confused. Crying. No, she was blubbering about her sad history; and now he wanted to dance? She shrugged as he pulled her with him. Minutes later, she was trapped in his arms and swaying against the length of him. His face was nestled in her hair and something warm and safe filled her soul. Something that urged her to lean into his bulky body and absorb his warmth. Was it care? He had so much care for her.

It shocked and confused her, being at the last place she had ever predicted finding it.

While they were quietly moving, she said, “Thank you,” into his ear.

His smile was faint and tender when he kissed her head and said, “You’re welcome. But what for?”

“Listening to me.”

“I’ll listen to you anytime.”

Silence fell again and she finally leaned back. “What are we doing?”

He stared into her face. “What do you mean? We’re dancing.”

“I mean, together? What the hell are you and I doing together?” She almost spoke with hot annoyance. It just made no sense for Shane to feel this way about her.

“Do you really want to know?”

“Well, I don’t like to be lied to.”

He kissed her temple, her cheek, and her lips. “Falling in love,” he mumbled.

She jerked back and nearly fell down while pushing so hard and fast. How could he just say that?
Falling in love?
Them? It was crazy. Insanity. They were not
falling in love.
She’d been there, done that, and look at all the pain her life received. She created life, and death, nearly destroying her faith in all of it. No way would she voluntarily choose to feel those things again. Especially with Shane. A man who she’d been with for a matter of weeks? Ha. Funny. He was hilarious, and he must’ve been mocking her.

Raising only his eyebrows slightly as if he dared her to contradict him, he wasn’t grinning. His mouth was a flat line, intense, and very serious. All the traits she never observed in Shane until now were manifesting.
Serious
. He was never more serious.

Her mouth opened. Closed. Opened. She could find no words. None at all. “We’re not… I mean… What are you talking about? You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re crazy. That is crazy.”

His fingers caressed her back and shivers traveled up and down her spine at his touch. “Maybe. But it’s what I feel.”

“We—no. Just no, Shane. I can’t fall in love in a matter of days, or even weeks. I don’t believe in love at first sight, or any such bullshit like soul mates and all that. If that were the case, it would have worked with Patrick. He’s far better suited to me than you are.”

“Agreed.” His tone was mild, completely unaffected by her rant, and he simply brushed her hair back off her forehead. She didn’t understand him at all. Now, however, it was in a completely different capacity, and one she had never pictured. She expected he would leave her bed and try to go sleep with Celia or… or well, whatever Shane did with Celia besides that. But she didn’t really know. Not at all. And for Shane to claim they were falling in love? No. No way. They were not in love. They were, hell. She had no words. None. None at all. But they were NOT falling in love.

“Then why are you saying such a thing?” she nearly snarled. It scared her. Her palms began sweating as her head grew dizzy.

“You asked. I don’t lie, Allison. I don’t pretend. Whatever I think or feel, I can admit to. I told you, I never lied to any of the women I slept with. I didn’t want to date any of them or be faithful to any of them. But I want to be faithful to you. Believe me, it’s as much a shock and surprise to me as, I clearly see, it is to you. But it doesn’t embarrass me. You don’t have to agree. You don’t have to say anything. You told me not to lie, and I’m not.”

Her mouth again dropped open. His voice was so gentle and kind, the polar opposite of how his brawn and intimidating male looks suggested. He was honest and open, never afraid to own who and what he was. She realized now that half of her attraction to him was his insistence on being his own man, and honoring who that was. No permission requested, and no shying away from all that he embodied. At all times, no matter what environment or crowd he was in, Shane Rydell remained completely true to himself. Allison found that sexy.

She admired his confidence and brash honesty, probably because she formed and conformed. She was appropriately discreet at all times, even if she felt like scratching someone’s eyes out, or crying her own eyes out. She knew how to pretend, and be professional as a good, law-abiding citizen and teacher. For years, she concealed her impulse to sit down and just cry without cessation. She valued her profession, and always remained in control of her emotions and her reactions and opinions of others. She could get along with almost anyone, even Shane when she first met him. But there was something compelling about Shane’s dramatic looks and personality. He actually portrayed what he thought and lived and felt. Everything Allison had no idea how to begin to do that.

Falling in love? Wanting to date only her? The odd concept nearly made her swoon and she simply wished she could sit down in the middle of the dance floor. How could those words be coming out of Shane’s mouth? This was never in the plans. No. Uh-huh. She didn’t want a relationship with any man from River’s End, and especially, not with a man like Shane.

But how could she turn away from him? His warm body was encircling her, and holding her up when for so long, she was cold, broken, and alone. It seemed like there was nothing and no one to hold her up or offer their support anymore. How could she reject all the light, heat, honesty and understanding that she found so reassuring in Shane’s arms?