River's Return (River's End Series, #3) (29 page)

Chapter Nineteen

ALLISON WAS A WIFE again. She lay in bed at her house, where she and Shane spent their wedding night after a lovely reception hosted by Erin in the main house of the ranch. The amount of work the Rydells tackled to make it all happen in such a ridiculously short amount of time was nothing short of phenomenal. The only sour note was her parents’ lack of enthusiasm towards the whole event. But they didn’t know about her pregnancy yet. Allison understood. It was a rather fast courtship. And judging strictly from appearances, Shane… well, old issues. But they didn’t know his true character.

On the other hand, the Rydells had accepted Allison eagerly and with open arms, like she was forever a part of them now. It was a little humbling.

Since she needed to get back to work, there was no long honeymoon. Allison had teaching to do. Allison now stressed over and worried about all the kids who were never identified or treated as dyslexic readers. It depressed her to think about moving forward without doing anything to prevent the most vulnerable of readers from getting lost and passed by until they eventually just dropped out of the system. Like Erin did. It’s all she talked about to Shane.

“Why don’t you set up a tutoring service? Start doing it on your own? It’s not perfect, but it’s a hell of a decent start,” Shane suggested. They were sitting out on their back deck after dinner and watching the sun as it set over the river and ranch.

“You mean, like privately freelance? Stop teaching classes?”

“Yeah. Or just try it on the side to start. You seem to need something more challenging in your life.”

She glanced down and motioned with her eyes, without saying out loud. “I will be dealing with something more challenging, and maybe soon.”

He pressed his lips together to hide his grin. She persisted in not acknowledging it, and so far to date, he allowed her that, and even participated with all of her suggestions. “You will be, yes, but it’s just a thought. You seem to get really worked up about this stuff.”

“Worked up?” She frowned. He made her sound like a crying toddler, mad because something didn’t go her way.

He reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “Wife, I meant that in a good way. Worked up, you know, like you have a lot of energy to do something about it, and you want to change it.”

He called her
wife
a lot. She did not doubt he liked being her husband.

“How do I get set up?”

“Start with this area. You know a lot of staff at the district. Offer up evaluations for any of the kids who are falling behind. See if you find any who are currently in need.”

“I’d have to get certified as a tutor of this particular program.”

“So do it.”

“But it costs a lot and it takes time. The classes are master-level classes.”

His lips quirked up. “Luckily, you already have two master degrees. I’m pretty sure we can trust you to handle that. Now is a good time to do it. Help keep that over-analytical mind of yours stimulated.”

She glared at him, even though she was pretty convinced he was right. It was good thing to keep her active brain busy. She thought about it constantly, and the more she worked with Erin, the more intriguing the idea became.

“I’m going to do it,” she finally told Shane a few days later.

He grabbed her and put her in his lap. Nuzzling her neck, he said, “Good.”

“I won’t have a lot of time. Between teaching, Erin, and taking these classes…”

“I think it’s good for you to stay occupied and busy, Allison,” he said quietly. She nodded, snuggling into his embrace, knowing how right he was. How did she manage to live all this time without his arms and advice to keep the world and all of her scary thoughts at bay?

Shane escorted her to the doctor. He drove and held her hand during the exam while they waited. He was right there when she told her history to the woman doctor. She was a woman of around forty with dark hair and eyes. The doctor listened politely to the whole story before replying, “I’m very sorry, Allison. It was a traumatic, terrible accident. But the chances of it happening again—”

“
Aren’t zero.
Not you, or anyone else in your profession, can guarantee it won’t happen again.”

The doctor hesitated and then nodded slightly with a ghost of a smile. “Technically, no. But it won’t. Your exam went like clockwork. There is nothing about you or wrong with you that would indicate this to be anything less than a normal, healthy pregnancy.”

“So was my first one; until it wasn’t.”

The doctor nodded. “You’re right. I see that. You’re very brave.”

Allison snorted. “Not particularly. This was an accident.”

She nodded and shrugged. “Or another blessed opportunity. It all depends on how you choose to view it.”

The doctor’s steady reassurance helped Shane; Allison could tell by the relieved expression on his face. She wanted to scream at Shane “So was Gabrielle!” Gabrielle was a healthy baby too. There were no indicators… no complicating factors… and no warning. Gabrielle was alive, and then, she was dead.

When Allison decided to go to bed for the rest of the day and sleep, Shane didn’t try to persuade her to get up. Instead, he followed her there and rubbed her back before bringing her dinner. As they agreed, the only conversation topics were his shop and what he was building. They didn’t discuss the baby.

During the second appointment, the doctor suggested Allison take anxiety medicine for the duration of the pregnancy. Owing to her history, Allison regularly became upset and her nerves were already on edge as it was. There were plenty of safe anti-anxiety drugs she could take without reservation until the baby was born. It might have been better for the baby too, than anything else.

She resisted at first, not being a big believer in unnecessary drugs. But when she got so bad, she was afraid to drive the car over the bumpy ranch road because of the jarring to her stomach, she decided she’d better do something proactive about it.

The medication took weeks before it worked and it only made her feel tired. Or maybe that was the pregnancy and her raw nerves. Eventually, however, things did start becoming more manageable. They weren’t good or great, but her previous overwhelming, debilitating fear shrunk to something she could at least categorize and overcome long enough to go to work and accomplish minor things like buying groceries.

****

Allison’s hand was shaking after she hung up the phone with her doctor. It was a personal call from her doctor to explain the test results. She had asked her to come in to discuss them. She was supposed to be leaving for school, but instead, she curled up into a ball on the couch. Holding her now pouchy stomach, she cradled it. She was ready to fall into Shane’s repetitive chant that things would be okay. But look what happened. As soon as she allowed herself to be lulled into success, everything shattered.

She called the school and explained she had another emergency and wouldn’t be in; then she called Shane.

“Shane?” she whispered. Her voice sounded like someone was pressing on her vocal chords to silence her.

There was a slight pause before he replied crisply, “I’ll be right there.” He didn’t wait to hear why she was calling. Was it the tone of her voice? Or the time? She should have been driving to work, and not calling him.

Barging in the front door, Shane pushed it hard enough against the wall to dent the plaster. He didn’t take off his boots, but immediately rushed to her side, where she sat numb on the couch.

He was on his knees before her, reeking of oil fumes mixed with gas. His clothes were dingy and stained and his hands were nearly black. Neither she, nor he cared. He wrapped her in his arms and touched her stomach and face before asking, “What happened?”

“The doctor called…” Her voice cracked.

“And? What? The baby? What is it?” Shane voiced so much care and love and support. She met his gaze and took in a slow breath.

“The screening tests we had done? The ones that should have been routine? They came back with some unclear results. My doctor said we should have further diagnostic testing done to know for sure. We can do an amniocentesis to get better results. But there’s the possibility of a slightly elevated chance of miscarriage. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is happening! But I knew it. I knew all along in my gut, this would happen. I knew—”

“Allison!” Shane’s voice was deep and commanding. It cut through her as she rocked herself while staring at her hands in her lap. Tears clogged her throat and she had to lift her face to stare at him. She was so stunned by his tone and command. It was not like him.

“First of all, remember when they said there were often false positives on this? Second, if our baby is mentally or physically disabled, what do you plan to do? At this point, what could we do?”

“Not have it,” she answered meekly.

He shook his head. “No. I don’t believe you.”

“I don’t want a special needs kid. You have no idea how much work they are. They require daily care. That’s constant. It’s life-changing. Life-shortening. I’ve seen it in the special education classes. And that’s just for six hours. A lifetime? I mean—”

“Way I figure it, from the moment we became parents, our lives were changed and altered. No matter what. Whether it’s a healthy child, or one with special needs, I figure our lives change no matter what. We parent
this
baby,
this
is the child we get, Allison. You don’t get to choose. Just like you don’t get to choose what eye color or occupation or sex they are. You just… love them, and take care of them. No matter what. So we can find out, we can be prepared, but it’s still my baby, no matter what. Nothing could make me love you, or him, or her any less.”

His faith and the commanding tone of his voice and surety had her instantly in his arms. She clung to him. “Why does all this keep happening to me?”

“Nothing’s happened yet. And if it does? We’ll figure it out together. But we will be okay. No matter what. Agreed?”

She nodded against his chest. She didn’t know how much more her nerves could take. The sickening dread in her stomach eased slightly with his words. Shane was acting with total conviction and belief. He took her breath away. He didn’t even seem fazed by it. How many new dads possessed that kind of certainty in the face of such a stunning and shocking development?

“Shane?” she whispered later. So much later, she felt depleted of the energy to move.

“Yeah, baby?”

“I love you.”

He leaned back so he could look down into her eyes. “I love you too.”

“I’m sorry this is so hard.”

“I’m not sorry, Allison. For anything. Okay?”

An unbelievable smile brightened her face. “Okay.”

“This is months, Allison. Not years.”

It was a lifetime. But she clamped her head down on the countdown. She tried to stay in the here and now, and braced her heart for the disappointment. She did not bond with this baby. Not like she did with Gabrielle. She tried to convince herself it would not hurt if something went wrong.

****

When it was time for an ultrasound to check the baby, Allison tolerated the experience by shutting her eyes and willing her brain to be anywhere, but there. Shane held her hand and watched the screen as he talked to the technician. Allison never talked or tried to make pleasantries. She was sure the staff probably all thought she was a cold, awful mother. But she couldn’t help it. She could not look at the baby inside her. When asked if she wanted to know the sex, she frantically responded, “No. No. NO!”

Shane patted her arm as he informed the room in a soft voice; she was superstitious and insisted that it be a surprise.

Allison started to gain weight, and her boobs exploded a size as her stomach began to form a bubble around the middle. Her body wasn’t the kind that doesn’t look pregnant until she was nine months. Oh, no. In both of Allison’s pregnancies, she started expanding everywhere in no time at all. She endured bouts of bloating and swelling after the morning sickness. She also had gas and needed to pee all the time. There was nothing subtle about her pregnancies, it seemed. She continued trying to ignore it, but it was becoming increasingly difficult since her entire body was overtaken by its presence.

Strangers commented and congratulated her. She gritted her teeth and tolerated the happy wishes. The rest? The people who knew never asked. Erin didn’t dare to pat her stomach, or ask how she was feeling, no matter how sick she was or acted. Erin kept her tongue silent. And Allison could’ve kissed her for that small blessing. Allison couldn’t be casual about it.

True to his word, Shane was there for her. Every. Single. Day.

She called him, crying and panicking, unable to “go on another second” about twice a week. Shane left his shop without closing the door and came straight home to hold and comfort her. He was incredibly patient and kind. When a school aide commented about her pregnancy, Allison called Shane from school. She couldn’t go back into class, so he came and got her. He made sure there was a substitute to cover for her before he took her home.