Rippled (12 page)

“So, we’re…what? Rippled?”

“Pretty much.”

He kissed me on the forehead and threw off the covers. With his back turned to me, he picked up his clothes, putting them on one garment at a time. I followed close behind him and tried to convince myself I was only getting dressed to keep warm. Just as quickly as it came, my need to take him and be taken was replaced by feeling overexposed.

The clothing helped a little, but something didn’t feel right. A ball of lead sat in the pit of my stomach, and whenever I thought of having to take my pills—of
not
taking them—it got worse. Was I ready to let whatever monster was inside me out? What if I couldn’t control it?

What if I hurt him? Myself?

I’d lost my control so easily while we were having sex, who was to say it wouldn’t happen again just by running? Walking? I looked up when Brian rested a hand on my shoulder.

“You okay?”

“What if I can’t control it?” I turned away, pretending to lace my shoes.

I unlaced them.

Laced them again as I bit back the tears.

Brian turned me towards him and held me close, wiping a thumb across my cheeks. “I won’t let that happen.”

“How do you know?” The words came out in more of a growl than anything else. “I…I’m sorry. This isn’t…”

“You? I know. Your body’s already responding to the lack of drugs in your system. I knew keeping you from that one injection would have side effects, I just didn’t expect them this soon.”

“Side effects?” He’d mentioned withdrawal. Was this the same thing?

“Your agitation first. Now fear, but not because of what you’d think. You’re afraid of not taking the drugs. They’ve been a part of the life you can remember for as long as your memory will allow. In this case, they’re your rock. Nothing can go wrong while you’re on them, but nothing can go right, either.” He lifted my chin and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “You’re a prisoner, Krista. Not just in here, but inside your own body as well. And so long as you take those drugs, that will never change.”

“And the fear?”

“It will be paralysing at times, but just like the anger, nausea and helplessness, it too will pass.”

“What do we do now?”

“Now? We get you something to eat. And when they give you the pills, you’re not allowed to swallow them. Think of this as another command from your Dom.”

“Safe words?”

He shook his head. “Not for the pills, no. Either you face this now, or you face it later. The longer you wait, the harder it will become.”

But you waited until now to keep me from taking them,
I wanted to say, but I kept the bitter words to myself. He’d had his reasons for making me wait. For taking so long.

You’re just angry because of the drugs.

It might have been true, but that didn’t make it any easier.

Tears pricked at the backs of my eyes, and as we made our way to the mess hall, they fell one drop at a time. Slowly. Painfully. Always there.

My withdrawal had begun.

Chapter Eleven

Krista

As far as drugs and withdrawal were concerned, the side effects happened rather fast, even according to Brian, who had a lot more experience with all things Rippled than I did. He figured it had to do with the injections, how often I’d got them and how my body craved to have the drug inside me at all times. But my veins were dry. Sober—
well, almost.
I still had a few drugs in my system, but they were insignificant compared to the large injection Brian had saved me from a few days ago.

And yet, there I was again, on the same table. In the same room. Same nurses. Different vials. No roommate.
No Malcom.
Placebos or not, I was conditioned to fear those needles, especially after what had happened last time.

This isn’t the same thing.

No matter what those vials held, my body ached to have them, for the drugs to kiss every single one of my nerves.

Delicious irony, how I hate you.

Every time I’d come in there, I’d hated the poking and prodding. Not this time. Fear aside, every time they pricked my skin, cool relief filled me. Soon, the drugs would be in my system, I’d regain my balance and life could go back to normal.

Are you listening to yourself? Life with the virus has never been normal. For fuck’s sake, try to remember at least that.

Memories had no place there. Just my withdrawal and the drugs I’d soon receive.

Soon
, my body said.
This will all be over soon
.

Placebos
, my mind corrected it.
It’s not going to work
.

I ignored them both. I was in the room with the drugs, nurses and dim lights. At least now I could forget how long it had been since my last set of pills.
Four days.
How long I had until Brian’s lessons on shifting could begin.
Hours.
Probably even less than that.
Could be more too.
It all came down to how well I did after I left the clinic. How my body reacted to the drugs or the lack thereof.

“If you have a bad reaction, we’ll wait until tomorrow,” Brian had promised before leaving my quarters earlier that morning.

Tomorrow was still only a day away. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for this.

Not yet.
Not ever.

“Krista, lie still,” one of the nurses said, her voice sounding more distant than usual.

Focus.
If I lost myself now, I’d go to the same dark place I’d been to when Brian and I’d had sex. I had to stay alert. To catalogue everything. I had to see them inject the drugs. To know they wouldn’t work.

Of course they won’t work.
Brian had changed the vials. Or so he’d said.

Yeah, like he’d put you through this hell. For what? His own amusement?

There were other ways—other places—to find entertainment. It wasn’t good entertainment, mind you, but it still existed somewhere in this hellhole that was our life.

I drew in a steady breath, releasing it when someone touched my arm. I was probably fidgeting again. Not like it was something I noticed, but that was one of the only reasons the nurses ever came in to physical contact with me.

They won’t touch me if they can help it.

We weren’t contagious, but hell if they knew any better. They acted like I was the plague. Gloves were to be expected, but the facemasks and thick leather scrubs as well?

You’re supposed to be a shifter, remember?

They weren’t afraid of the virus, they were afraid of me—of what I could become.
What you
will
become.

Still, if that was their reason for wearing such a horrendous outfit, they were going about it all wrong. I would’ve worn a suit of armour. Cat claws could pierce leather.

Something flashed in front of my eyes. At first, I figured it was the light hanging overhead. They’d blown out before
.
But no, the light was still there, buzzing away as if nothing else mattered. The flash happened again, white with black holes cut out of it. My mind was numb, but I did my best to focus on the there-and-then-gone-again images.

Brian did warn you about hallucinations, didn’t he?

Was that what these images were? Hallucinations? If I was seeing things, wasn’t I supposed to be able to identify them somehow? I closed my eyes, and it wasn’t long until the images came again, stronger than before. Instead of just seeing white with black spots, something inside me twitched, almost painfully.

I winced around the discomfort and tried to figure out where the sensation had come from.
A needle perhaps?
I opened my eyes and checked my arms, but no, they hadn’t pricked me yet.

Taking your damned time, aren’t you?
I held back a growl of frustration and willed my hands to stay still.

Hallucinations or not, I had to get out of these bindings. Something wasn’t right, and the only one I could talk to about it was Brian. Fisting my hands, I strained against the cuffs around my wrists. The hardened leather bit into my skin, but I didn’t care. The examination table was no longer a thing of comfort. The needles hadn’t come, and they probably never would. I was on display. Asked to lie still. To look nice for whatever audience the nurses had gathered for me.

Do you hear yourself?

I shook my head, calming my nerves when one of the nurses touched me. Someone mentioned a tranquiliser. Another said to up the dose. Whatever was going on inside my head, they knew about it without me actually saying a damned thing.

They deal with this all the time. The drugs won’t work. What happens if I lose control? In here?

I bit my lip as a swell of nausea climbed into the back of my throat. The next voice to speak in the room was mine. “Something…doesn’t…doesn’t feel right.”

I stayed alert just long enough to hear one of the nurses murmur, “We know. Just hold still.”

And I did. Frozen in ice, I didn’t move. Didn’t budge. Didn’t blink or breathe. They’d give me some drugs, and the feeling would go away.

No it won’t. Brian got rid of them.

I groaned. Why was it so hard for my body—for my mind—to remember something so important? Hell, I was lucky I could focus at all. I was still conscious. Still here. But for how long? How long did I have until I was no longer me? No longer human?

He hadn’t told me any of this stuff—only that it would happen with time.

If you shift now, they might grab new vials.

They would. That was one thing I knew for sure. If any of the shifters… If I shifted now, they’d double, triple my dose. How else would they be able to keep themselves safe? There was a beast, a wild animal sleeping inside me. But with every second that went by, it clawed at me a little more.

My stomach burned. The area behind my eyes throbbed. And while every inch of skin pricked with small needles of its own, I felt stronger. It was hard to describe. It was almost as if something inside me had clicked. Turned on.

What if you can’t turn it off?
What if this was the reason they’d kept me drugged in the first place?
You’re unstable. Unpredictable
.

Focus…

I laid my head back and stared at the ceiling, counting the tiles, the lights—anything to keep my mind off the clawing, biting pain inside my abdomen. Whatever was inside me wanted out. Bad.

It’s not supposed to be this fast.

I didn’t know that, and neither did my body. If Brian had planned on training me this afternoon, then the hallucinations, the pain—all of this was probably normal.

If it is, I want no part of it.

It was a little too late for that. There were no drugs. No golden vials of a life forgotten.

But you still have the pills…

I could take them—a double dose—once I got back. Maybe then I could forget about the images, the pain and nausea.

The storm in my mind calmed when one of the nurses grabbed a shot from the tray of silver instruments.

Are shifters like werewolves? Vampires? Can we die if we’re shot with a silver bullet
?

Obviously not.

If so, they probably wouldn’t be using silver to inject us at all.

I smiled at the somewhat clear, greenish liquid inside the vial. It had the same colour, the same consistency as it always did, and for a brief moment, I forgot about Brian and his promise to exchange the drugs.

Maybe he hadn’t gone through with it. Maybe he’d forgotten.
He told you he did it this morning.

The nurse rubbed cool alcohol over my skin. I watched. Waited. Insisted the drugs inside that vial were real. There was a pinch, then a push of fluid entering my veins. Cool. Relaxing. I could sense it running through my system, to my heart. Speeding it up. Stopping it. My body came to life.

Trick the body into thinking you’re taking the drugs.
If I let my mind win over everything else, maybe then—

“Fuck, that hurt!” I snarled, looking at the one nurse who had yet again managed to nick a vein.

She quickly grabbed some gauze and pressed it over the small puncture wound. Like I’d thought before, if they just gave me the needles, I could probably inject them myself. Hell, they’d had enough practice. You’d think at least
one
of them could manage to find a vein without stabbing me five times.

Now I know how Swiss cheese feels.

I made sure to take a handful of breaths, and the pain in my abdomen slowly subsided. Unfortunately, it was soon replaced with guilt and dread. The drugs were calming me. Did that mean Brian hadn’t got to the drugs in time like I hoped? Did I really have that much control over my system?

Your body expects the drugs to work.
That didn’t mean they would.
The longer you doubt whatever the hell’s going on, the more likely you’re going to lose control.

I let my body think whatever it wanted.
Believe what you want.
For the time being, I felt no pain. No clawing and biting.

The beast inside me had fallen asleep.

Chapter Twelve

Krista

By the time the nurses had returned me to my quarters, I couldn’t tell up from down. Everything and nothing felt real. The world around me sped by as I stood in place. I couldn’t walk fast enough. My movements had slowed down.

You’re just burnt out.

I’d fought against my body and won. It wasn’t physical fatigue, it was mental.
It’s inside your head.
The pain from earlier, the flashing images, the stopped time—all of it was logged somewhere deep within my mind.

Sleep. That’s what I need. Sleep and drugs. Drugs first
.

Balancing myself on legs that would rather buckle than follow simple orders, I somehow managed to make it over to the vent I’d been using to stash my meds.