Riotous Retirement (3 page)

Helga ended her speech in the usual manner. “And remember our motto, colleagues—
Beautiful People, Beautiful Village, Beautiful Profit
—this is a high-class establishment!”  Ostensibly this was Helga’s little joke but really all the staff members knew just how serious she really was.

However, regardless of Helga’s insistence that as many villas as possible be sold to the beautiful people, all sorts came to the Burnside open days—after all it was a very attractive place for a Sunday outing.

Making the open day setting as attractive as possible was the responsibility of all staff. They had a beautiful area in the village at the end of a tree-lined cul-de-sac. Under a large shadecloth, organised by Alex, tables and chairs were set out together with an attractive spread of finger food and soft drinks. Helga could always persuade a few of the cooperative residents to talk to potential buyers under the pretext of helping with the food.

As she explained to Alex and the others, “These residents are great ambassadors for this lifestyle. They’ve already spent their money and are committed to village life, so even if they are regretting it, they’re not going to say so—and appear complete idiots— now are they?”

So all in all, in this beautiful setting, exuding the friendliest ambience of village life, the sales staff presented their product. Well that was the plan!

While Helga had most factors under control she had absolutely no control over who might turn up. For example they couldn’t discriminate against children or limit the open day to people over 55 years (the usual minimum age for buying into a retirement village) because buying a property for Grandpa and Grandma is often a family affair. Anyway such discrimination is probably against the law! But Helga had the staff well trained about the very many different types of prospective resident attending open day inspections.

“Beware the over anxious and overbearing adult children accompanying prospective elderly resident couples,” she would warn. “This may be an indication that Mum or Dad might have a special problem or perhaps a personality trait that they are trying to mask.”

All staff, not just the sales ladies, were trained to look out for such potential problems. They had to be aware because this could reveal itself as a full-blown problem within the environment of a small community and of course they were charged with creating and retaining the
Beautiful People in a Beautiful Village
concept!

The sales ladies were, of course, instructed to refer any such suspicions to Helga but, hey, given the choice of passing them on to Helga or signing them up and earning the considerable commission for themselves, they invariably chose the latter. And if it turned out that Grandpa did have a penchant for grasping elderly female bottoms at residents’ meetings or dinner nights, what then?  No worries, Helga could deal with him!

And then there were the people who often came to the open days for the food. When there is free food there are always young couples with kids who have absolutely no intention of buying into the village for their parents but have just brought their own brood along for lunch. They know full well they can’t be discriminated against and really, who is to know if they are genuine or just the Freeloader Family—with no conscience whatsoever.

Alex was in the food area and able to see traffic entering the small village car park. He observed a people mover drive into the car park and three young children spill out. Oh no it’s Freeloader Family here already, Alex thought. For God’s sake they must have been waiting around the corner until we got the food out!

This is what all staff dreaded during open days. 

“Freeloaders in car park now, Mum, Dad and three young kids,” Alex reported to Helga. Her response was immediate and predictable. She ordered one of the sales ladies, on pain of death, not to let the kids out of her sight, and directed Alex to stand by for any emergency signals. Alex and the sales lady knew exactly what was required.

Alex knew the routine well—it was always the same. While the parents were ostensibly looking at the houses for their parents, the kids would be ruining the day for the other prospective buyers. They would be eating finger food by the handful and running through the display homes leaving trails of half eaten sausage roll and the odd pool of sticky orange juice. They never stayed with the parents, nor did the parents appear to expect them to. They were everywhere!

Within ten minutes this is exactly what was happening. A sales lady is trailing the kids with cloth in hand. Helga is quickly losing her cool and is only just maintaining a polite demeanour with these parents. Alex, who is waiting for any signal from Helga, receives it at the twelve-minute mark. It is a hand signal unnoticed by the parents but Alex can read it and can even hear it ringing in his ear—“get these damned kids out of here!”

With the aid of the sales lady, Alex rounds up and corrals the kids. He has done this many times in the past. He has a friendly manner and is expert in bribery. He asks the kids if they would like a ride in the buggy around the village and, no, the parents don’t mind—why would they, it doesn’t inconvenience their lunch and anyway they know the routine well. It’s the same at all the villages!

The three kids are whisked away, still eating from the stash they have been able to put in their pockets.

“I’ve had plenty of rides in these buggies you know,” pipes up the six year old. “We had sausages last week and it was a yellow buggy,” his older brother tells Alex. Alex nods and now knows exactly what he is in for. They talk incessantly and are never pleased about stopping anywhere. They jump off the buggy before it has come to a complete standstill and stand up in the back while it is moving—no matter how Alex pleads with them. But Alex continues to cajole and talk kindly to these kids all the while imagining what he would really like to do with them.

The swimming pool attracts their attention for a bit and so Alex opens the gate and lets them in. The youngest kid has his pants off before Alex even notices. There is immediate panic and the older brother is eventually persuaded to get the little one dressed again. Swimming is strictly off limits for children unrelated to any resident and most especially to these children. Besides, Alex does not want to be fishing bits of sandwich and half eaten spring roll out of the pool tomorrow.

By this time Alex is almost at his wits end. Where to next? he wonders. He considers showing them the deep end and then leaving them there and locking the gate, but with superhuman effort manages to put the thought out of his mind. Nothing else for it, he returns them to the parents.

While Alex was acting as Uncle Alex, the Bovarys, Gabriel and Brenda, had arrived to enjoy the Burnside open day.

It had taken Brenda in her own quiet but insistent way a considerable effort to convince Gabriel that if he didn’t come with her to this Open Day she would not be at home when his RSL mates came around—ever again!

Helga descended on them immediately, attracted initially by the BMW as she saw them drive into the parking area. Within five minutes of conversation she had gauged rightly that Brenda was keen on retirement village living and Gabriel not at all.

Separate and conquer she decided as Alex hove into view having just dropped off the children. He immediately received his second instructional hand signal from Helga—it was the ‘entertain the man’ signal. In full the signal read ‘take this bloke away and the next time I speak to him he had better bloody like this village!’ It was just a hand signal but Helga never minced her words!

In the next ten minutes of friendly conversation with Brenda, Helga bemoaned the work a woman does in keeping a large house in suitable style, how difficult it was to make friends with everyone so busy working these days and she also sensed, correctly, that she could sympathise about difficult husbands. She then went on to hint, ever so gently, that Burnside village could be an ideal solution for Brenda. Helga also knew by this time that the Bovarys were well heeled and just the class of
Beautiful People
that she wanted for the village. She would show them the best, most luxurious and most expensive villa first followed by the least expensive one with the single garage. That should do the trick!  She knew instinctively that if Gabriel did eventually agree to the move—and she felt certain that she could make him—he could never envisage his BMW in a single garage! She was right of course.

In the meantime Alex was entertaining Gabriel in the residents’ lounge at the bar—where else?  Alex was having a soft drink of course (strict instructions from Helga!) and Gabriel was only half way through his schooner when Alex saw his chance to introduce him to two of the village men. Before Gabriel had emptied his glass these two residents were amazed at Gabriel’s favourite story about his ancestry and not only that, they were able to tell Gabriel that the village had a genealogy research club. Well Gabriel insisted they stay for another round and also shouted another two village men who happened to enter the lounge at that moment. By the time the first two residents heard Gabriel’s story for the second time they were looking at each other and showing signs of regret that they had been so enthusiastic about the genealogy club. But Gabriel was elaborating on his ancestor stories and obviously in very fine form!

Meanwhile every tactic was being employed to present the attractiveness of the village to all prospective residents who came to the open day. Both sales ladies were engaged in keeping as many of the prospective residents as far away as possible from the once beautifully laid out tables in the cul-de-sac where Freeloader Family now dominated.

If you have supplied food to eat and chairs for people to sit on it is very difficult to ask people to leave but Helga was thinking along those very lines as she observed the Freeloaders engage yet another elderly couple in conversation. They spoke to anyone and everyone, anything to give them an excuse to be near the food and stay a little longer.

As Helga hovered and considered, she observed Brenda coming back from a village tour with one of the residents who had taken her under her wing, and Gabriel and Alex about 10 paces behind, approaching fast. Helga felt the panic rise.  She couldn’t possibly allow the Bovarys to become involved with Freeloader Family! She rushed towards Brenda, her first instinct to turn them around, but too late, they kept coming. 

“Ah ha, do I spy food?” exclaimed Gabriel and increased his stride towards the egg sandwich plate. All that Helga was able to achieve was to guide them to the chairs as far away as possible from Freeloader Family and with other families between them but even that was to no avail. Mr. Freeloader was on his feet to collect the last egg sandwich and, seeing a male he had not yet met, came over and introduced himself to Gabriel and Brenda.

Helga by now is panicking, short of breath and trying desperately to decide on a separation strategy: but she can’t!

Within two minutes the whole family join them. Brenda is talking politely to Mrs. Freeloader and the eldest child. The two youngest are trying to dispose of the last of the raspberry jam. The elder has a spoon but the youngest doesn’t appear to need one!

Jam dish empty they both rush over to Mum who laughs and chides them lovingly for eating the last of the jam. At that very moment the youngest turns to Brenda and plants his right hand hard onto her lap.

Brenda is now looking around for a wet napkin to wipe a large red stain complete with raspberry seeds from her beautiful (and new) fawn skirt. It’s as if a whole jar of jam has landed on her, not just a small handprint!

The jam on Brenda’s skirt and the look of anger on her face now had Helga really worried. The realisation that a sale might be slipping from her grasp however was enough to jolt Helga out of her panic attack and give her back an ability to think and move.

“Right,” Helga announced loudly and with authority, stung into action at last, “time for us to visit villa 15, and we can clean you up properly there, Mrs. Bovary. Alex, you drive our guests in the buggy and I’ll be along in a minute.”

That little toe rag bastard must have had his whole hand in the bloody jam dish, thought Helga.

As soon as the Bovarys were out of earshot she turned to Mr. Freeloader and shouted harshly. “Right mate, your lunch outing is over. Time for you to take your sticky brood home, and right now if you please!” She then turned and walked away before the stunned father could reply. Should have done that two hours ago, she chided herself as she walked over to Villa 15.

The open day had been a test of tolerance on the part of the staff. They were lucky to end the day sane, and kept asking themselves the nagging question—“how many sales did we lose due to Freeloader Family?”

Exhausted, they all sank into the chairs under the shadecloth. Alex retrieved a bottle he knew would be needed at this time and poured the team a stiff drink. It was then time to compare notes and decide how big a fib the sales team could tell Head Office when they called with the “how did it go” question.

The following week there were actually two calls resulting from the open day inspection. It was a miracle. After all that effort there were actually two fantastic, obviously very astute couples, who may decide to settle at Burnside Village—including Brenda Bovary, despite the Freeloader Family!

Open Day

This day is viewed by staff with dread
Helga’s planning is done well ahead
Doing business without being rude
While keeping “Free Loaders” away from food
Duties for “
SELLING
” were evenly spread