R.I.L.Y Forever (5 page)

“What did you do with yourself all week?” Julia asked.

“Mainly I worked on the house and met with some contractors who will be working on the plumbing, electrical, and stonework. Although I’ll be doing a lot of the work myself, I’m going to need help since I’m starting at the hospital on Monday.”

“You know I think you’re crazy, right? I didn’t even know you liked to work with your hands. When did you learn how to do … whatever it is you have to do in that monstrosity?”

“Hey now, show some respect for my humble dwellings. You can refer to my home as the castle from now on. As for my skills for home repair and renovation, I picked it up in college and med school to make extra money. I love making old things new again, although not too new. I want the place to showcase the past in all its glory. You’ll see. It’s going to be fantastic.”

“Okay, Tim the Tool Man, I’ll try to keep an open mind. I’m starving, but I got home a little while ago. I haven’t had a chance to change. Would you mind watching Lilly for a few minutes? I promise to be quick.”

“I don’t mind at all. Lilly and I will be fine. Dinner can wait. Go and change. Take your time. I’m in no rush.”

“Okay, thanks. I’ll clean her up before I go. Looks like she fed most of her dinner to her hair and ears.”

“Jules, go change. I’ve got this. Besides, I have a surprise for my girl in this bag.”

Grateful for the help, Julia escaped up the stairs to her room and shut the door. For a few minutes she stood, eyes closed, with her back against the door wondering what she was doing. She had to move. She needed to wash up, change, and get downstairs, but she wanted to hide here for a few minutes and get her racing heart under control. It was good to have Ethan in her home. She was way too vulnerable where he was concerned.

Ethan was decadent chocolate, ice cream sundaes, and fine wine rolled into one. He was something so good, but so bad. He was forbidden fruit. Julia craved him all the time and was powerless to resist him. She barely survived losing him the first time and after the last few years with Matt, Julia didn’t have the strength to survive another heartache.

She studied her image in the bathroom mirror and reminded herself, for the hundredth time, tonight was about closure—not a reawakening of anything. She lectured herself on this fact all week, but that didn’t stop her foolish brain from unearthing every memory she’d tried to bury. There were plenty of good memories and plenty of painful ones. The problem was her stupid brain teamed up with her heart and only wanted to dredge up the good times, disregarding the messy parts completely.

Making quick work of it, she washed up and changed into jeans and one of her favorite t-shirts, an oldie, but a goodie. It read, “I’m still mad they never actually told us how to get to Sesame Street.” She brushed her hair until it fell in soft waves down her back and let it have its way and run wild and free. She told herself to behave like an adult and stop hiding in her room. Opening her bedroom door, she made her way to the stairs leading to the first floor.

Julia stopped dead.

There in the family room stood tall, muscular Ethan swaying with Lilly asleep on his chest, clutching a yellow and brown spotted giraffe around the neck. But that’s not what had her frozen in her place, holding her breath, her eyes filling with tears. What mesmerized her was the sound of Ethan’s husky voice singing to her baby with such tenderness her heart ached. She listened to the words and recognized Billy Joel’s
Goodnight My Angel
. It was her favorite lullaby. She played it for Lilly often. As the words washed over her, she was unable to stay upright. She sank to the top of the stairs and listened to the words he sang. She wondered what she did to ever deserve this man.

Chapter Five

Ethan finished the song and glanced up to find Julia sitting at the top of the stairs with a wistful look on her face. Her watery green eyes met his as tears slid down her cheeks. The look of longing and sadness he saw in them took his breath away. He wanted to go to his girl, gather her up in his arms, and rock her as he was doing with Lilly.

He climbed the stairs with Lilly snuggled against his heart, sat next to Julia and enfolded her in his free arm. Julia wiped her face with the back of her hand and laid her head against his shoulder. He felt like the king of the world with Julia in one arm and the world’s sweetest baby in the other. That’s when he decided Matt was a fool. Who could have all this and walk away from it? He would kill to have all this beauty in his life.

He kissed the top of Julia’s head and gave her a gentle squeeze.

“Let’s put her to bed,” he whispered, nodding in Lilly’s direction.

Julia stood and tried taking Lilly from him, but he shook his head and said, “Lead the way, boss. I’ve got her.”

They passed a bathroom, the master bedroom, and then came to Lilly’s room. A light pink and cream hand-painted wooden sign on the door read “Lilly’s Beach Palace.” The changing table, rocking chair and toy trunk were cream-colored while the carpet was a thick sandy brown. The crib was a large, solid hardwood piece of art shaped into some kind of ship with a beautifully carved footboard and headboard and high side-panels. It was pushed against a wall that was expertly painted like the ocean in soft blues and creams with gentle waves. This gave the illusion the crib-ship was floating on a calm ocean. Above the bed hung an exquisitely carved piece of driftwood—
Lilly’s Ship of Dreams.

Beach scenes covered the adjacent walls from floor to ceiling. A soft blue sky with puffy clouds covered the ceiling while seagulls flew in the distance. The room was assembled with a great deal of imagination and love. Ethan was spellbound. He’d never seen anything like this. Lilly was one lucky little girl.

He laid his precious bundle carefully in her ship and stood, watching Julia change and tuck Lilly in for the night. The entire time, Lilly never opened her eyes, but when Julia tried to take the giraffe out of her hand, Lilly held on and mumbled, “No, mine.” Laughing, they hurried out of the room before they woke her up.

Ethan and Julia made their way to the kitchen in silence. While Julia warmed up their now-cold dinner, Ethan opened the bottle of wine she’d left out on the counter. She was lost in thought and he gave her space. When they were both seated with loaded plates, he broke the silence.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Sorry. It’s been a long day.”

“What brought on the tears?”

Julia hesitated and took a generous gulp of her wine. She looked down at her plate. “My nerves are pretty fried. Work was rough today. I lost a patient I’ve known for a long time.”

Ethan reached for her hand and squeezed it. “I’m sorry, Julia. That’s always rough. In all the years I’ve practiced medicine, although I’ve learned how to deal with death, as you have, when it happens, I still feel helpless and still grieve. Death is humbling. It reminds me despite all my knowledge and skill, I’m not God.”

For a few minutes they were both silent. As he ate, Julia pushed the food around her plate then put her fork down.

She sighed. “I’m sorry, Ethan. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. It’s been a shitty day from start to finish. I think I need to crawl into bed and forget it ever happened. If you stay much longer you’re going to be an innocent by-stander to my meltdown and I’m already embarrassed.”

Ethan stopped eating and studied Julia. She was as pretty as ever, but there were signs of strain around her eyes. She looked wrung out, defeated. There was more to the story than the death of a patient.

“Jules, there’s nothing for you to be embarrassed about. We’ve been friends for decades, even if we missed a few years here and there,” he said with a tender smile. “No need to hold back, go ahead and let go. I’ll catch you. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on? Maybe I can help. I promise to only listen and not sing again since that seemed to trigger the meltdown.”

She regarded him with troubled eyes for a few seconds then looked down and began shredding her napkin. “You have a beautiful voice and looked sweet with Lilly in your arms. The thing is, I had a trying day and to top it off, I got into an argument with Matt before you came. When I saw you holding Lilly and singing, it occurred to me she’s never going to have what you were giving her. I never had that and I wanted it so badly for her. But, unless a miracle happens or Matt has a lobotomy, that’s never going to happen for her. It’s like history repeating itself and it sucks.”

Julia reached for her wine glass and downed its contents then refilled her glass again and took a gulp. “Sorry, I know I’m rambling and probably not making any sense.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m following you. Tell me about Matt. What kind of father is he?”

Matt sounded like an ass, but surely he loved his child.

Sighing, Julia said, “Matt never wanted children. He had a sister who had schizophrenia. She put his family through the wringer and then killed herself. Anyway, Lilly was a surprise he never wanted or accepted.”

He was right. Matt was an ass. Lilly was a beautiful child. He couldn’t understand how any father could resist her, but he never understood people who abandoned their children. Poor Julia carried a heavy burden. He was happy she was beginning to open up to him. The wine was probably helping loosen her inhibitions a bit and he was grateful for the help.

It was strange how one second he was comfortable with her, picking up where they left off twenty years ago, and the next second he was exploring new territory, unsure what the next step would bring. Ethan remembered feeling like this as a kid walking across a semi-frozen lake on a dare from his friends. It was March and the lake was still iced over, for the most part, but with spring around the corner it started to thaw in certain areas. He didn’t know if with the next step he was going to be safe or sink. The only difference was the lake crawl was what he liked to call a
stupid human trick
—not worth the risk at all. Reconnecting with Jules, getting to know this new adult version, on the other hand, would be worth the risk … he hoped.

This Julia intrigued him. Her eyes were haunted, filled with secrets and burdens that needed to be shared. He missed his young, carefree girl who trusted him with her heart and her stories. He wanted to know what happened to her and to them all those years ago. Maybe if he said and did the right things, she would trust him once again. Some would say he was crazy. He just became a free man. Why on earth would he voluntarily walk into a storm? But this was Jules and his heart and soul recognized her and insisted he do something to keep her close and comfort her. He never understood the power she had over him and keeping her at arm’s length simply wasn’t an option.

“So Matt didn’t want children, but she’s here and she’s wonderful. What kind of relationship does he have with Lilly? Does he see her regularly?”

“He sees Lilly off and on. I think she’s more of an obligation to him than anything else. He’s not warm or loving and she’s beginning to pick up on that. I’m not sure he even knows how to love her.”

“What were you arguing about before I came?”

Ethan refilled their glasses and sat back in his chair. Julia didn’t have to say much, her face told most of the story. Her lips thinned and her jaw tightened. He feared she’d snap the stem of her wine glass by the fierce pressure she exerted on it.

“He hasn’t seen Lilly in a month. He was supposed to watch her yesterday, but he didn’t show or call. Today he remembered he had a daughter. He ordered me to have her dressed in her finest by ten tomorrow for a family picture and a day in Long Island with his in-laws.”

“He’s married?”

“Yup, he married as soon as our divorce was final. But that’s a vodka or tequila story. Wine will do nothing to pretty up that mess,” she said with a sad, self-deprecating smile. “Anyway, I tried to tell him Lilly won’t to be able to handle a long day with strangers, but he wasn’t having it. He told me she’s spoiled and willful and he threatened to teach her some manners.”

Julia stood and started straightening the kitchen while she spoke. He doubted she was even aware of what she was doing she was so agitated.

“Lilly’s my child. I may not always see things clearly where she’s concerned, but she’s not spoiled. She’s a typical two-year-old, a bit precocious, sure, but not spoiled and willful. He said it was obvious I couldn’t control her and he would have to teach her how to behave. I don’t know what that means, but I’m not letting him hurt her. No one will hurt either of us again.”

Ethan couldn’t stand to see Julia’s growing distress. Her pain was palpable. He doubted she realized she referred to herself in that last sentence along with Lilly. Julia was neglected and abused as a child before Ella came into her life. She confided a bit in him when they were young, but he didn’t know all the details.

He stood and walked to the sink. The water was on and she stood hugging herself, staring into space. He remembered that stance and it pained him each time she did it. He asked Ella about it years ago and she explained it was a remnant of Julia’s abuse. As a young child, no one held or comforted Julia when she was in pain or afraid and thus she learned to comfort herself. Years after Ella adopted her, she continued to hold herself when she felt vulnerable. It broke Ella’s heart whenever Julia escaped into the past and did this and Ethan was no better. He hated the thought of young Julia battered and terrified and he developed his own way of dealing with it. Ethan remembered how to soothe Julia. He’d done it hundreds of times and became an expert at saving her from her demons.

He turned off the water and took Julia by the shoulders turning her around. He wrapped her in his embrace and held her tightly to him. She was a tall woman, but he towered over her and she fit nicely under his chin. He stroked her golden strands and inhaled her scent. There it was, wild flowers and vanilla. Intoxicating.

The instant Julia was in his arms, his body recognized her and knew exactly what to do to soothe its mate. Its mate? What a bewildering thought and yet it wasn’t that surprising. On some level he’d known she was the one, his other half. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been devastated when he lost her and he wouldn’t have thought about her every day for the last twenty-two years. Simple teenaged crushes don’t leave a permeant mark on the heart and soul. He wondered if she thought of him like that. There was no doubt in his mind she loved him when they were teenagers, but he wondered what she thought of him now.

“Easy, Jules. No one is going to hurt Lilly. No one is going to hurt you. You’re both safe,” he whispered in her ear while continuing to stroke her hair and rub her back.

After a few minutes, her body relaxed against his and he breathed easier knowing he was able to soothe her. Ethan smiled. Thank God he hadn’t lost his touch.

Julia pulled away and glanced up, embarrassment evident on her face. He put a finger to her lips and shook his head.

“Nope, no apology, no embarrassment. This is me. I know you and you know me. You can trust me. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

He walked them to the couch in the family room, noting the photos of beaches and oceans that were scattered throughout the room and the house in general. He was happy to see his girl got her wish. When they were young and silly, he would ask her, “If you could be any animal in the world, what would you be?” Her answer never changed. “A pelican, of course. I would be big and beautiful, free to soar above the oceans. I’d bask in the sun and the air and look below me at the majesty of the ocean and I’d smile every day.”

“You’d smile? Pelicans don’t smile.”

She’d turn those big beautiful eyes on him and pierce his heart with her next words. “Oh, but you’re wrong. They smile. They soar with happiness because although their lifespan is short, they’re memories are shorter. They know no pain, no sorrow. They live free and die free.”

Julia was obsessed with the ocean for as long as he could remember. Growing up in Indiana, she never saw the ocean except in pictures and on TV. But that didn’t dull her obsession. On the contrary, she learned everything she could about oceans and seabirds, particularly pelicans. Every one of her fantasy vacations included a large body of water. He was happy she discovered so many beaches, but he wished he was there the first time she saw the ocean. They’d planned to visit the East and West Coast together when they graduated so she could see the Atlantic and the Pacific. They saved and saved for the trip, but all their plans fell apart a few weeks before graduation.

“I’m sorry, Eth. Again. I seem to be doing this a lot with you—falling apart and apologizing. I haven’t been this emotional in a long time. I don’t usually indulge in tears and emotional outbursts and yet I keep doing it. I blame you. I was perfectly fine without you,” she said with a half-hearted laugh.

I was perfectly fine without you
. Well, didn’t that say it all! All Ethan’s insecurities came rushing back with those few words. Why was he under the misconception she needed him now, that the past meant anything more than a teenaged crush to her? For twenty years her world went on successfully without him. She’d walked away and started a new life with another man. Yes, she married the world’s biggest loser, but so hadn’t he? At least she had a beautiful child to show for it. Ethan did his best to reign in his emotions and school his features. It was time for him to let her and the past go. Perhaps she was right and they would be perfectly fine without each other.