Rhonda+Nelson+-+The+Soldier (17 page)

She was nearing the breaking point, Winnie thought. She couldn’t hold it together much longer.

If she wanted to finish this with any mascara left on at all and the slightest bit of her pride in tact,

then she really needed to leave.

She started to open the passenger-side door. “I should probably—”

“Wait,” he said, stopping her with a simple touch to her arm. His fingers were warm and

calloused and she remembered them sliding over her body, testing every bit of her skin against

his own. She closed her eyes and summoned the willpower to face him again.

“Don’t you think—”

“I’ve got something for you,” he said. He snagged a small package from beneath her front seat.

Her eyes widened. “How did that get there?”

He grinned. “I stashed it when you weren’t looking.”

Winnie shook her head. “Adam, I—”

He stayed her lips with another finger. “When a man offers you a gift, the polite thing to do is to

accept it and say thank you.”

Winnie blinked. She took the little present from his hand and dutifully did as he instructed.

“Thank you.”

He tsked and shook his head, as though she was a sad case. “You need to open it before saying

thank you. Otherwise you don’t know what you’re thanking me for.”

She didn’t want to open it. She had a terrible feeling about this, one she couldn’t explain. In any

other circumstances she would have been thrilled to get a gift from Adam, but tonight? Tonight it

didn’t feel right. It felt too much like an official I’m-not-changing-my-mind goodbye.

“Go on,” he encouraged. “Open it.”

Hands trembling, Winnie reluctantly did as he asked. The gold paper came away quickly,

revealing a small white box with Natalie’s store logo on the top.

She looked at him and quirked a brow, intrigued. “You’ve been by the gallery?”

He rolled his eyes and gave an impatient huff. “Open the bloody box, Winnie. Please.”

Winnie lifted the lid and a soft oomph of pleasure left her lips as she spied the little charm

inside. She recognized it, of course—it was a slightly different replica of his. Different because

no two pieces of driftwood were ever the same. But this was clearly the Chinese symbol for

courage, the same as he wore himself.

Another little warning sounded in her mind, but she couldn’t understand why, anymore than she

could comprehend the sentiment behind the gift. Courage? What did she need courage for?

And then it hit her.

The courage to live her life without him. To move on. To find someone else.

Tears burned the backs of her eyes and she sincerely hoped that he would think they were tears

of joy.

They were not.

He’d ruined her again, laid waste to her heart, the one he seemed absolutely determined to reject

from now on.

She struggled to say something appropriate. “Wow. Th-thank you.” She cleared her throat. “It’s

like yours.”

His eyes were kind, but determined. “I know.”

“Would you like to explain why you chose this particular charm?”

she asked, a glutton for

punishment.

Adam looked away and she was thankful that he appeared to be struggling, that his mouth didn’t

want to form the words his mind had determined were necessary.

“I chose it because I want you

to have the courage to find another life, Winnie. One without me in it. You’ve got to promise me

that you’ll do it,” he said. “I can’t go off thinking that you’re waiting, that you’re expecting—”

He broke off, unable to continue. “I need to let go, Winnie.”

A fatalistic smile rolled around her lips and the tears she’d been determined that she wasn’t

going to cry spilled over.

So she’d been right.

And naturally he’d ask the one thing of her she wasn’t able to give.

Asking her not to love him, not to want him, not to miss him was like asking her not to breathe.

It was impossible.

Winnie shook her head and her blurry gaze tangled with his. She tightened her fist around the

little charm, because she needed the courage right then to say what had to be said.

“I’m sorry, Adam, but that’s a promise I can’t make. Because, as you and everyone else in town

knows, I love you.” She laughed brokenly, the relief at admitting it aloud making her slightly

manic. “I have always loved you. I will always love you. I can’t just turn it off, like there’s a

button somewhere. If that were the case, then I would have done it a long time ago, especially

when you didn’t seem to realize that I existed.”

“Winnie, I never—”

She jumped out the car, rounded the hood and opened the driver’s side door, silently asking him

to get out. He did, but very reluctantly. Always a gentleman, she thought. He didn’t turn that off,

either.

“Winnie—”

“Save it, Adam. And you can keep your charm.” She handed it back to him, then slid behind the

wheel and closed the door. She looked at him through the open window, though it hurt. “I’m not

the one who needs courage. That’s you. You’re the coward here.

You’re afraid to let yourself

love me.”

“I’m not afraid, dammit. It’s impossible. I can’t have that dream anymore. I’m not—”

“Bullshit. Just like everything else in your life, Adam, you could have it if you wanted it bad

enough, if it were truly important to you.”

His temper flared. “Don’t tell me you’re not important to me!

Don’t tell me I don’t want it

enough. You have no idea,” he said, emphasizing ever word.

“Maybe not,” she said, shrugging. “But talk is cheap and your reasoning is flawed. If you can

have your career back, then you can have it all back. You can have me back. If you wanted me.”

She started the car.

“Winnie, wait! You don’t understand—” He swore hotly.

“Dammit, I’m botching this.”

“What do you want from me, Adam?” she all but wailed. She could feel tears burning the backs

of her eyes and determinedly blinked them back. “I’m tired of trying to figure you out. I’m

weary of your games. Why can’t you just level with me? Why can’t you just tell me the damned

truth? All of it, in plain English, not veiled in innuendo and cryptic meaning. Please,” she tacked

on as an afterthought. Her voice broke with despair.

His agonized eyes tangled with hers and the swirl of emotion she saw churning there made her

ache to comfort him. But she couldn’t. Not anymore. If he wanted her comfort, then he was

going to have to ask for it, dammit. She was through. She couldn’t do this anymore. She didn’t

have the strength.

“I’m not good enough for you anymore!” he finally exploded, as though the words had been

ripped from a hidden, hated part of himself, a part he kept tightly under rein. “Not like this! Look

at me,” he said, disgust dripping from his voice. He gestured wearily to his missing leg. “I can’t

keep up with you. I can’t even run without friggin’ falling down.

I’m a wreck, Winnie. A house

condemned. Can’t you see that?”

So she’d had it right, then. But he was far worse than she’d feared.

His admission left her

reeling, the revulsion for himself the most terrible part in all of this. Her beautiful wounded

warrior. He was wrong on so many counts she didn’t even know where to begin.

“I won’t do this to you,” he said, shaking his head. Determination rang in his tone. “I won’t drag

you into it. And I’m not going to take advantage of your…

affection—”

He’d meant to say love—he knew she loved him.

“—because I can’t distinguish between it and pity. It’s not fair to you.”

“Let’s leave how I feel about you out of it for a minute please.

How do you feel about me?”

He hesitated. “Winnie—”

She squeezed her eyes tightly shut, then opened them once more.

“Tell me.”

He swallowed and though it could only be her imagination playing tricks on her, she thought he

looked…nervous. She’d never seen Adam McPherson nervous about anything.

He cleared his throat. “I…care very…deeply for you. But that doesn’t change anything. Don’t

put your hope in me, Winnie,” he said, his voice breaking. “I’m hopeless.”

“No, you’re not,” she said fervently. She reached out and grabbed his hand. “I don’t ever want

to hear you say that again.”

He laughed without humor. “It’s true.”

“It’s not,” she insisted. “Let me ask you something, Adam. You’re determined to get your career

back, right? To go back to Iraq? Resume your Special Forces position?”

He nodded.

“So you can have your career back, but the rest of your life is lost to you? You can’t have me?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes.”

Outraged at his skewed reasoning, Winnie felt her eyes widen.

“That’s flawed logic, genius.

Surely you see it?”

A shadow moved behind his eyes. “Flawed or not, it’s mine. I won’t hurt you, Winnie.”

Wrong, Winnie thought. What did he think he was doing to her now?

She smiled sadly. “All the same, Adam, I’m here. Just like always.

You can’t change how I feel

anymore than I can. You can’t make me not want you. You can’t make me not love you. You

can’t make me not want a life with you.” She looked away, unable to stand the pain on his face,

the indecision. “And I will never stop wanting that or trying to make you want it, too.” She

swallowed, knowing truer words had never been spoken. He was hers, dammit. She knew he

loved her. She would win…in time. “Be safe.”

And with those two words, she shifted into Reverse and drove away from him.

It was the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life.

14

COLONELMARKS STOODand shook his hand.

“Congratulations, Captain McPherson. It’s a pleasure to have you back with us.”

Adam smiled, though the victory he’d expected to feel rang hollowly. “Thank you, sir. My

pleasure.”

“You’re sure Monday isn’t too soon? You’re ready?”

“Absolutely,” Adam said, tasting the barest hint of a lie on his tongue. He was ready to go back

to Iraq, but he was not ready to leave Winnie.

I’m here, Adam, just like always…

Sweet hell, did she have any idea what she was doing to him?

How much he wanted to believe

that she was right and they could have it all?

“I know we’ve added some unexpected duties to your actual job description, but I hope that they

will be something that will be both rewarding to you and to your fellow injured brothers in

arms.”

Adam nodded once. “Yes, sir. It’ll be an honor.”

And it would, though he really didn’t feel like he had any business telling other wounded

soldiers how to recover when he was far from recovered himself.

His little revelations last night

had told him just how far he still had to go. Physically, yes he was ready to go back to work. But

mentally…Like he’d told Winnie last night, he was a wreck. A house condemned.

Uninhabitable.

As for the additional duties, Adam knew there were other amputees who shared their stories to

instill hope, to show the wounded that, while their lives and bodies might be broken, they were

not shattered beyond repair. Though he had his doubts, what Colonel Marks had asked him

specifically to do really appealed to him. The idea of helping other men and women who wanted

re-entry into their former positions, teaching them how to meet that goal was intensely appealing.

While he wasn’t altogether sure he knew exactly what he was doing, he knew how not to do it.

And he knew what these people were going through. He could relate. He could inspire. He could

still lead.

Curiously, this new purpose sparked a surge of adrenaline he hadn’t felt in a long time, could

sense the thrill of a new purpose, a new direction cutting a path across his future. Strange when

he’d been so certain his path had been set, that there’d never be another road he wanted to

follow…

He exited the building and found his parents sitting on a bench beneath a wide oak tree.

“Well?” his father asked.

Adam smiled and nodded once. “I’m back.”

His father grinned, gripped him in a hug and slapped him on the back. “Well done, son. I’m

proud of you.”

His mother’s arms came around his waist. “And despite what you think, I am too.”

“Mom,” he said chidingly.

“No, it’s true. I am proud of you. If this is truly the life you want, then I’m happy for you, too.”

Until last night Adam would have whole-heartedly agreed that this was indeed the life he

wanted. Actually, that wasn’t true. It was still the life he wanted…

he just wanted Winnie to share

it with him.

That’s why the victory felt hollow—because she wasn’t here to share it with him. He wanted to

tell her how everything had gone, tell her about his new mentoring opportunity, one that Colonel

Marks intimated might actually turn into a full-time position based here in the States, where he

would split time between Walter Reed Medical Center and The Center for the Intrepid.

That would be after he finished his tour, of course, but technically his tour was up in two

months. While this wasn’t strictly getting his old job back, Adam felt like this path had opened

for a reason and it didn’t feel wrong.

“You should call Winnie and let her know,” his mother said.

“She’ll be so pleased for you.”

She would be, Adam thought. Winnie would be happy about anything that made him happy.

Because she loved him. He laughed softly. Because she’d always loved him.

Adam mentally reviewed their last few minutes together and marveled at her tenacity, at her