Revive Me (23 page)

I stood to the side of the room and allowed Darryl and Derrick to see Tessa. They’d transferred her from the emergency floor, and she’d been placed in her own room upstairs. Derrick grabbed her hand in his while Darryl just stood and stared at her sleeping body. He didn’t talk. He didn’t touch her. His eyes just bore down at her. I couldn’t read him. He finally bent down, kissed her forehead, and walked out of the room without saying another word.

I made my way to the bed, and Derrick flopped down into a chair next to her as he yawned loudly. “You need to get home and get some sleep,” I told him. “I’ll text Ollie and have him take you and your dad home.”

“Why can’t Dad drive?” Derrick asked, looking up at me through slanted eyes.

“Because he’s been drinking, and he’s still hung-over.” His eyes grew wide. Either he didn’t notice or he didn’t want anyone else to. I was going with the latter.

“I can’t leave her,” he said, looking over at Tessa’s still body.

“She’ll be fine. She’s going to be sleeping for a while. When she wakes up, I’ll call you and get you a ride up here.” I grabbed my phone and texted Ollie. I’d called him earlier, telling him the situation, and he said he’d wait up incase I needed anything.

“You promise?” Derrick asked.

I looked away from my phone and up at him. “I promise. Ollie will be outside waiting for you in a few minutes.”

He looked at Tessa one more time and leaned down to kiss her on the cheek before giving me a wave and scurrying out of the room. I sat down in the abandoned chair, scooting it closer to the bed, grabbed her hand, and pressed my lips against the chilliness of her skin. Her skin was pale, making her look drained and lifeless. I cringed at her gaunt appearance, the hair tangled in every direction, and her skinny frame.

“I’m going to fix this. I’m going to bring you back to life and make you happy again,” I whispered into the brisk room as machines beeped around me. I slid out of the chair, grabbed a blanket from the couch sitting in the corner of the room in front of a single window, and re-joined her side. It had been a long night, and I knew it was far from being over.

Tessa

I
blinked, fighting the bright light shining through a small window across the room, and looked around in confusion. What the hell? I glanced around the unfamiliar, cold, and empty room. The white walls were bare with a dry erase board on the back of a door and a poster asking me about pain levels across from me. I shivered as a cold breeze smacked into me and I snuggled into the thin blanket on top of me.

A TV hung from the wall with a reality show on mute as an annoying machine beeped beside me. I didn’t notice the IVs connected to my arm until I rose them up to rub my pounding head. My stomach knotted, and my head fell back when I saw it. The thick, white bandage wrapped around my wrist brought all of the memories back to me in a rush. I’d done it. The demons in my head had won, but they’d tricked me. They didn’t take me to Tanner. They kept me in hell.

I’d tried to kill myself. God, just saying the words in my head made me sick to my stomach. My eyes closed as I remembered taking the razor and watching it slide against my white skin until it was decorated with color. How could I have been so stupid? I was embarrassed, shocked, and a little disappointed that I’d failed. Were people supposed to be happy when they were saved from a suicide attempt? Or were they supposed to feel like total failures? Should I be happy I was there instead of sitting in the morgue, lifeless? I wasn’t sure.

I’d told the nurse I didn’t want any visitors when she found me awake. Apparently she didn’t care what I wanted because a few minutes later my parents came walking through the door. My mom was in pink pajama pants with her hair pulled into a bun at the top of her head. Her face was swollen from crying. She took a long look at me, her puffy eyes growing wide, and bolted out of the room. My dad stayed in the room a few minutes, tucking his hands into the pockets of his pants, and just stared.

I stayed silent, not sure what to say, until he slowly came toward me. He kissed me on the cheek, whispered he was sorry, and then left the room. I blew out a harsh breath. They’d never understand. How much pain did you need to go through before realizing you’d never be okay? They knew how I felt. I knew that, but they were using alcohol to mask their pain; drinking themselves away. Their death would come, but it would be slower. Their suffering would be longer and more drawn-out. I wanted the quickest way out. I’d figured out alcohol and Reese weren’t working. I needed instant gratification and I thought the razor would do that; I’d come up short.

I was terrified to see Dawson. I knew before he came in that he wouldn’t be turned away. He’d fight his way into my room, throw a couple punches, or climb through my window if he had to. My elbows pressed into my side, and I tried to hide my wrist when he walked in. I was sure he knew why I was in there, but I didn’t want him to see the evidence. I didn’t want him to know how messed up in the head I really was. He stared down at me, and I waited for him to say something.

“You wanna talk about it?” he finally asked, pinching the skin at his throat.

I bowed my head down. “No,” I replied in a weak voice.

“You’re going to, now or later. You’re going to talk about it. It doesn’t have to be me, your parents, or anyone you know. Go see a therapist, talk with a stranger, but you’re going to talk about it. There’s no more holding it in and hiding. You’re going to let it all out, baby, so you can start to heal.”

His words triggered something in me. I finally believed him. I'd been so blind. Dawson had told me so many times he wanted to help me, but my hurt soul wouldn't believe him. Now that I could see clearly, I believed him. He wanted to help me. He truly wanted me to be happy.

I cleared my throat and watched him take a seat next to me. “I was aching in places I didn’t even know I had inside of me,” I said. “It didn’t matter how many times I told myself it would get better or how many drinks I’d suck down to help me forget, I would still go to bed every night feeling the pain. I’d lie there for hours wondering if I’d ever be happy and fighting with myself for the answer.”

A single tear dripped down my face. “It was like I had good and bad running through me. I had a devil on one shoulder, telling me to cut away my pain, and it would last forever. And there was an angel on the other side, insisting I give it time and things would work out. Someday I could numb myself enough, and I wouldn’t feel it anymore. But the longer it took, the dimmer the angel got, until she’d faded away. And the devil on my shoulder was jumping up and down in his victory. He knew I finally grasped the truth. I was being punished for not helping Tanner. No one else saw the hell I was in. I felt hopeless.”

He leaned forward and tried to grab my hand, but I pulled away. He couldn’t see the bandages. “Baby, you’re going to feel the pain of losing Tanner forever, and we both know there was nothing you could’ve done to save him. You have too much to live for, and it would kill us if you were gone as much as it killed you losing Tanner. That’s selfish.” I shook my head. “Are you kidding me? You can’t take that beautiful smile away from the world. You can’t take that caring heart away from everyone. You’re the glue for your family. Even Tanner knew that. We can’t lose you. We want you here, demons, flaws, and all.”

He grabbed my hand quickly before I had the chance to pull away. I winced at the pain, and he immediately loosened his grip. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, looking at the bandage.

“Because I’m fucked up, Dawson. I’m fucked up in the head, and it’s embarrassing. I see you all the time, and you’re coping fine. I saw you at the party, and you were with those girls who were happy. That’s what you deserve. I’m tainted, I’m fucked up, and I’ll always be this way. I can never make you happy. I’m the suicidal girl who can’t deal with her own problems.”

He kept my hand in his. “You’re not fucked up.” I gave him a look. “Sure, you’ve got some shit to sort out, but everyone’s got their demons, baby. I’d rather be with someone who can share them with me than let them explode later. You’re not that suicidal girl. You’re the girl who attempted to do it because she felt like she had no other options. Actions don’t label you. You’re not tainted, you’re not fucked up, and you’re going to get better. And there’s no one else I’d rather fight demons with than you.”

Dawson

I
left Tessa’s room and slumped down into a chair in the waiting room. My head dropped down between my knees, and I covered it with my hands as I tried to shake off the headache grinding against my skull.

“Dawson,” a soft voice said, breaking me from my trance, and I slowly raised my head up.

“Nice of you to finally show up,” I snarled, leaning back against my chair and crossing my arms across my chest. I was being an asshole. I knew it. I was being an asshole to everyone who played a part in Tessa’s unhappiness. I knew Daisy lived in Atlanta, and it was going to take her hours to get here, but I didn’t give a shit at that moment. And as much as I didn’t want her to know about Tessa, since she didn’t bother to tell Tessa about her moving thousands of miles away, I knew Tessa’s spirit would be lifted if she saw her. And that’s all I cared about.

She looked better. She looked like she’d actually showered, and her hair had been brushed. I’d only seen her a few times at school before she left, and she never talked to me. I moved my gaze away to find a guy plopping down in the chair next to her.

“And you already have a new boyfriend. That was pretty fucking quick,” I said, grinding my teeth. Tanner had been her first and only boyfriend here. They’d constantly talked about marriage and how many kids they were going to have. Tanner had even talked to me about proposing after graduation. How could she move on so quickly?

The guy jumped up from his chair and barreled towards me. “Hey asshole, what the fuck is your problem?” His face was red, and I noticed the clenched fists at his side.

“Dude, I have no problem with you. Just be careful with this one.” I tilted my head, indicating Daisy, who was staring at me with shock. “She treats people who care about her like total fucking shit. I wouldn’t even put myself in that predicament if I were you, man. Just giving you a heads up.” It was a low blow, but I needed to get my anger out, and they were just there at the wrong time.