Revive Me (21 page)

Maya looked at me with regret. “I know,” she sighed. “I’m sorry, but we can’t be friends anymore. People will think I’m on your side, and Bobby will break up with me.”

I nodded, not saying anything back.

Alexa sighed. “God, I hate bullies and the people who follow them. I swear, one gets mad at you, they send their entire army to do their dirty work.” I looked over at her. Why was she helping me? I figured she’d be the first person to sign up for the Tessa hating parade. “Anyways, I’d stay incognito if I were you.” She patted my shoulder, the bell rang, and she walked away. “Good luck.”

I slid down against my locker and fell down onto the floor when the hallway cleared out. Taking a deep breath, I opened my legs and my head fell in between them. What was happening to me? Why was my life turning upside down?

This is when I needed Tanner more than anything. He’d help me through this. I’d tell him what was going on, and he’d help me through it. Or set the people straight who’d been mean to me. But it didn’t happen often. I’d had lots of friends at my old school, and I’d never witnessed people act this cruel.

“God,” I hissed out to the floor. I smacked my palms against it and raised myself up. There was no way I was getting through the day here alive or at least without a few scratches.

I walked down the hallway, pushing open a door, and headed to my car, but froze when I saw it. A long scratch stretched from my driver’s door to my trunk that could’ve only been done with a key. I got closer, reading the words “slut, whore, and snitch” written across my hood and doors. I dragged my finger across ‘whore’ and a pink residue hit my finger. Nothing better than getting your car labeled with lipstick. At least it wasn’t permanent.

I slammed my car door shut, drove it home with the lipstick labels, and parked it in my driveway. I stomped through the front door, going directly to the laundry room, and grabbed a cleaning bucket. Filling it up with water, I latched onto the handle and dumped it onto my car. The pink splotches were still there, but at least I’d gotten the words off. I set the bucket down onto the ground, threw down my phone I’d never bothered to turn back down when I reached my bedroom, and fell into my bed. I rummaged through my drawer and pulled out the prescription bottle with my name on it. I grabbed a few pills, shoved them down my throat, and grabbed yesterday’s water bottle still on the table to wash it down. The medicine kicked in quickly, and I felt relief as my swollen eyes slowly shut, and I traveled to tranquility.

“What the hell happened to your car?” Derrick asked, walking into my bedroom and waking me up.

“You need to learn how to knock,” I grumbled, shoving my pillow over my head.

“What the hell happened to your car?” he repeated, sitting on the side of my bed. “And why are you in bed already? Are you sick or something?”

“Someone keyed it,” I answered, shrugging my shoulders. “And yeah, I don’t feel good.”

“Someone keyed it?” he asked, eyes wide. “Don’t you think you need to figure out who that someone is?”

“I don’t care who it is.” I was actually afraid to find out.

“Did it happen at school? Call them and tell them to look at the cameras,” he insisted.

“It doesn’t matter.” Even if I found out who exactly was responsible, it wouldn’t fix anything. They’d only make my life more miserable if I turned them in. I’d already gotten a preview of it this morning; I didn’t want to see how much worse it could get. I knew I had to call the insurance company, and they’d make me get a police report, but I’d lie and say it happened somewhere else. Somewhere there weren’t cameras. “I’m going to go back to sleep, but let me know if you need anything.”

He nodded and patted my arm through my blanket. “Okay, feel better.”

He left my room and shut the door behind him. I closed my eyes again, fighting to go back to sleep, but my mind was racing. There was no way I could go back to school. They’d make my life a living hell. Would they find out it wasn’t me? Did Reese hate me? Did everyone hate me? My mind drifted back to Tanner, and I subconsciously began talking to him.
I need your help right now. So bad. You always knew how to help me.

I woke up to a dark room. I vaguely remembered Tanner in my dreams telling me to come to home, and he’d help me. I swung my hand over the side of the bed and felt around on my nightstand until I captured my phone. I groaned at the bright light hitting my eyes.
Six voicemails. Forty-five text messages.
When did I suddenly become so popular? I opened up the first text from an unknown number.

My hands shook as I read the words:

You’re such a snitch bitch. I’d think twice about coming back to school.

I quickly closed out of it and opened a new one.

Wait until I see you around, you’re going to regret it.

I knew it was a bad idea, but I opened up the rest of them. They all said the same things: kill myself, I was a snitch, and I better be afraid next time I leave my house. All of my voicemails were from unknown callers, and I wasn’t even going to go there. I hesitated a moment, wondering if Dawson would answer if I called, but too scared to find out. He’d given up on me. He had every right to hate me.

My legs felt flimsy when I stepped out of bed and walked to my bathroom, and they gave out as I fell against the floor at the same time the sobs started. I stared blankly at the wall across from me with swollen eyes. I looked at the basin in front of me, and I pushed myself up to look at what I was afraid of … the reflection of the girl that wasn’t me. I was nothing but a lost soul.

I crawled across the floor and opened the cabinet underneath the counter. I was at a war with my own mind and allowing my stubbornness to take over my inner strength. I searched through the large compartment until I found what I was looking for. I set it down on the floor before grabbing the half-full vodka bottle I’d stashed and been secretly sipping on at night.

I twisted the knob to my bathtub. The mirrors showing me what a mess I was fogged as hot water filled the tub. Stripping away my clothes, I tossed them onto the floor and sunk into the warm water. I was floating. The heat felt good, and I relaxed my head back. My hands slid out of the tub, fumbling for the package, and I set it down beside me. I grabbed the bottle of liquor and took another gulp before placing it back onto the floor. It was time for a new one. I needed something fresher. I needed something sharper. I’d tried using alcohol to break my habit, but it wasn’t working anymore. I needed something stronger. I needed something more permanent.

It took me a few moments to open it up with my shaky hands. I ran my fingers along the sharp edges, but didn’t feel anything. I was becoming immune to the sensitivity. I snapped the razor from its holder and ran a finger across the blades again. It still wasn’t enough. I needed to feel completely numb and taken over. I needed the release.

I’d started cutting a month after Tanner died. I wasn’t sure how it started, but it helped me. I’d started on my arms and wrists, but realized people would start to notice, so I’d moved to my thighs. I wore long sleeves everyday to help hide my secret. I couldn’t run a razor through my skin without leaving a mark, just like everything else. Loss, pain, hurt, it all leaves a mark.

I raised my hand up in front of me and examined my palm and the back of my wrist. Therein lied my secret. My vice. My parents used alcohol to cope with the pain, and I used my own self-destruction. I was the victim and the abuser. The scars weren’t deep but they were there. Light lines showing me every time I was weak. I massaged the skin, feeling the build-up of tissue, before gently slipping the razor back over my flesh.

I took a deep breath when I broke through the skin. Why wasn’t I feeling anything? Where was the pain? Slicing through my skin didn’t cause me pain, no; it gave me ecstasy like a drug coursing through my body. The feeling manifested through me as the remedy. I was cutting my emotions away. The blood would drain me of my hurt. I was going to cut out every bit of pain that was flowing through me and take me to a better place. A better place where I wasn’t missing Tanner, where I didn’t lose Dawson, and giving the people at school what they’d wanted. I wasn’t wanted anymore.

I gasped at the blood falling into the water, giving it a faint pink color. I sunk down deeper into the water, feeling the heat built up around my body. I needed more. I drug the blade back over my skin but deeper this time. The water beneath me began to grow darker the deeper I went.

My vision grew shaky as I eyed the blood seeping from my wrist and dropping into the water. Everything began to slowly fade away. I was going to see him. He’d make me happy again.

My head fell back as dark spots crept from the corner of my lids before my sight grew blurry. My breathing was labored, every exhale taking all of my energy, and I caught a glimpse of bright red before the pain seeped through my veins and everything went black.

This is what I’d wanted.

This is what I’d craved.

This is what I’d planned.

I’d wanted all the pain to fade away.

And it was.

Dawson

T
he resonating ringing woke me up from my deep slumber. I groaned, dragging an arm out from under my body, and stretching it across my bed in the darkness of my room. My fingers hit my wooden nightstand next to me, and I scrambled around until I grasped the vibrating phone in my hand. I cringed at the loud noise and stuck it to my ear without checking the caller ID.

“This better be good,” I grumbled into the speaker. I’d had a rough night. My body was still in pain from the ass beating I’d received from Reese and his friends, and I’d been popping ibuprofen every few hours.

“Dawson!” the frantic voice yelled from the other end, and I suddenly felt a giant weight fall onto my chest. Something wasn’t right.

I clutched the phone tightly in my hand. “What is it Derrick?” I asked, suddenly becoming fully alert.

“It’s Tessa,” he answered quickly. “I found her in the bathroom. She’s …” he went silent. I took a deep breath, waiting for the news he was about to give me, while praying it wasn’t as bad as the thoughts running through my head. But I got nothing.