Return to You (17 page)

“Selena?”

“Hmm?”

“Stop talking.”

And she did.

* * *

There was no way to truly look cute—or dignified—when wearing bowling shoes. Selena looked down at her feet and sighed. All day she had run around making sure that everything was going to be perfect for their reunion bowling party, and to think that the outfit she had agonized over was now accessorized with multicolored bowling shoes just sucked.

“I don't know why you even bothered to get them,” James said, coming up behind her and placing his chin on her shoulder. “You know you're not going to bowl.”

Selena shrugged him off and turned to face him. “I might,” she said, but not very convincingly. “I could bowl if I want to.” The latter was said under her breath, and she was pretty sure no one but her heard it, but it made Selena feel better just to say it.

She had done a late checkout at the hotel earlier in the day, and all of her luggage was in her car. The plan was to come and bowl and socialize and then follow James home after it was over. He had offered to bring her stuff over to his place, so she could get ready there, but Selena had been so frazzled with last-minute emergencies and keeping the chaos under control that she had opted to simply get ready in the employee lounge of the bowling alley.

Not an experience she was anxious to ever repeat.

“Want me to meet and greet with you?” he asked, but his tone clearly conveyed that he'd rather be having a root canal.

“Go play,” she said and grabbed Jen as she was walking by with Mike. “Why don't you guys grab a lane while Jen and I man the front table?” Mike agreed and promised to get Jen a beer when she was done. “Sooo…” Selena prompted when the men were out of earshot. “How's that all going?”

“He's almost too good to be true,” Jen said but was cut off from expanding on that as the first round of classmates walked in. “We'll talk later.”

For almost thirty minutes, it was nonstop greeting and talking and overall pandemonium as everyone tried to get caught up on each other's lives while standing in the entrance to the bowling alley. Selena wished she had a recording she could just keep playing to remind people to keep it moving. When there finally seemed to be a lull in the action, Jen found them some replacements and dragged Selena to the only quiet spot in the place—the employee lounge.

“I don't think we're supposed to be back in here,” Selena said as she watched Jen close the door.

“Nonsense, you got changed in here earlier.”

“Don't remind me.” Selena looked around and remembered not to touch anything—too many sticky surfaces and suspicious stains. After a disdainful look around, she focused on Jen. “What are we doing back here?”

“Well, between the brick throwing, James, Todd, the hotel, and Mike…you and I missed out on our time together. And now you're going to spend the rest of your time here with James, and well…I'm a little bummed.”

Selena grabbed her friend in a fierce hug. “I know, and I'm sorry. I never expected it all to work out like this. I mean, I guess on some level I thought if James and I ever saw each other again, we'd talk, hash things out, and…move on. I'm still a little overwhelmed at how it's all going.”

“So are you guys back together?” Jen asked hopefully.

“For now,” Selena said, but her voice was laced with uncertainty. “I mean, we're spending a lot of time together and—”

“I'm sure the sex is amazing…” Jen interjected.

“Not going there,” Selena retorted. “But we haven't talked beyond the here and now. I leave on Wednesday, and we haven't discussed it. Actually,” she said with a frown, “he hasn't even asked about my itinerary. Don't you think that's odd?”

“I think that, like you, he's just winging this. It seems like you've found a little bit of peace and happiness, and maybe he doesn't want to think about it ending. It could be that's why he asked you to stay at his place this weekend, you know, so you guys can talk about the future.”

It made sense in a weird sort of way, but Selena wasn't completely convinced. “If he wants us to discuss where we're going from here, it shouldn't matter if we're in a hotel suite or his living room.”

“So if he asked you while we're bowling, you'd be okay with that?” Jen asked sarcastically.

“Well, no, but…”

“Or let's say that we're at the actual reunion tomorrow night, and you're getting ready to go up on stage and make announcements, but he comes out on stage and wants to talk about your future, you'd be okay with that?”

“Okay, I see where you're going with this, but you're deliberately being obtuse.”

Jen held up her hands in surrender. “This isn't a discussion that should be taken lightly. You haven't seen one another in years, Selena. You both have separate lives to consider. It would be kind of foolish for the two of you to jump into anything right this minute. It's too emotional. You need to take the time to get to know one another again.”

“There hasn't been one discussion that James and I have had over the last week that's been taken lightly! Everything has been so damn intense and dramatic, and to tell you the truth, it's been emotionally draining! I would like nothing more than to just relax and have fun and not have it followed up with some sort of deep confessions or secret revelations. I just want to enjoy being with him. Is that too much to ask?”

Oh, if only you knew,
Jen said to herself. “I have no way of knowing what other surprises may be in store for the two of you, but you have to realize that long-distance relationships are going to come with their share of surprises and emotional issues too. You need to be prepared for that.”

“I know, I know, it's just that I feel like we haven't had a whole lot of time to just…be. And it's not going to get any easier when I go home, but there's nothing I can do about that. I have a business back in North Carolina that I need to get back to, and he's got a career here. It's going to be hard to find the right balance.”

“Are you open to trying to find the right balance?”

Selena studied the hopeful look on Jen's face as she considered the question. “I am,” she said, surprised at her own response. “I really am.” They screeched in unison and jumped up and down while they hugged. “Oh my God, I can't believe I'm actually thinking about a future with James—again!”

Jen pulled back and smiled. “I think if you're being honest with yourself, you never stopped thinking about a future with him.”

“I think you're right. Do you think it's even possible?” Selena asked, uncertainty lacing her tone. “Do you think that maybe too much time has gone by? That we missed our chance?”

“Why are you looking for trouble? Why can't you just let yourself be happy?”

Selena shrugged. “Probably because I don't really know how to be.” She sighed and then realized what a major downer she was sounding like. Waving away the negative thoughts, she straightened and cheerfully looked back toward Jen. “So tell me how you got Mike to come with you.”

“Well, I did what you suggested and baked the cookies and took them down to the station. It just so happened that Mike's shift was ending, and he was on his way out as I was on my way in.”

“Nice.”

“I know!” Jen said excitedly. “So we talked out in the parking lot and I gave him the cookies…”

“Yeah, you did,” Selena teased.

“Oh, stop it!” Jen laughed. “Don't distract me! Wait, where was I? Oh, yeah, so I gave him the plate of cookies and thanked him, and I told him that I was going to need that plate back and that he could call me when he was finished with it.”

“You didn't!”

“I so totally did! I'm telling you, I am a complete spaz with stuff like this. But as corny as it was, it totally worked.”

“So he called you when he finished the cookies?”

“He called me from his car five minutes after we left the station.”

“No!

“Yes! I'm telling you, Selena, it was quite possibly the most romantic thing any guy's ever done for me.”

“Just because he called you?”

“No, because he didn't wait to call me. We went out for dinner and then he came back to my house and we shared the cookies while watching a movie on Netflix.”

“What movie?”

Jen rolled her eyes. “Like I was even paying attention.” They laughed and hugged. “Wouldn't it be great if we both got to be happy at the same time?”

Selena couldn't think of anything she'd like more.

The door to the lounge flew open as one of the employees came in. “Sorry,” he said. “The boss was looking for you and wanted to know if we can take down the welcome table and use it for something else. It looks like a full house out there, so you probably won't need it anymore.”

The two women looked at each other and then to the teenage boy awkwardly standing there. Selena walked up to him and thanked him. “Duty calls,” she said as she left the room with a little spring in her step.

Jen watched her leave and pulled out her cell phone and made a quick call to William Montgomery. “Miss Lawson!” he said as he answered the phone. “I hope you're calling me with some good news!”

She liked him. She really and honestly liked this man. He loved his family so much that he was willing to go through all of this nonsense just to make sure James was happy. “You know what, sir? I do believe that I am…”

It was nearing two in the morning when Selena slowly pulled her car into the driveway behind James. She was mentally and physically exhausted. The night had been a complete success, and she couldn't remember the last time she had laughed so hard.

Or hurt so much.

Stupid bowling.

Before she could even exit the car, James was by the driver's-side door and opening it for her. “Pop the trunk and I'll get your things.” No words had ever sounded sweeter. Silently, she watched him grab her cases, close the trunk, and head to the door. He looked so good in the moonlight—so strong, so competent, and just the sight of him made her tremble. She was suddenly a mass of nerves. This was his home. He lived here. She would finally have a more intimate glimpse into his life, and the thought both excited and terrified her.

What was she going to learn about him now? Was he a neat freak, or was this going to be a typical bachelor pad with messes and junk scattered all over the place? Did he decorate it himself? Did he hire someone? Did a former girlfriend do the honors? That thought just ticked her off. Realistically, Selena knew that James hadn't been living a life of abstinence, but being faced with the reality was a little bit harder to deal with. She didn't want to face the ghosts of girlfriends past when she walked into his home.

Maybe she should go to Jen's. Reaching for her purse, she began to pull out her phone when James appeared back at her side. “I know it's not a five-star hotel, princess, but I believe the accommodations are more comfortable than the front seat of your compact rental.” His tone was teasing, but his face showed he was just as anxious and uncertain as she was.

“I…I was just getting ready to join you,” she lied. “My mind sort of zoned out there for a second. I guess I'm more tired than I thought.”

“Or maybe your foot still hurts from dropping the bowling ball on it. Twice.”

Great. He would have to remind her of that. The simple act of getting from the bowling alley to her car had been excruciating, and the thought of taking her shoes off and putting her feet up sounded heavenly. It was, again, just getting from the car to the point where she could actually do those things that was standing in the way. “Maybe,” she muttered and then gasped when he reached in and lifted her into his arms. “You have got to stop doing that.”

“Doing what?” he asked, slamming the door closed with his hip.

“Carrying me.” She knew there was a reason why she was saying it, but it felt so good to be in his arms, all curled up, her face tucked in the crook of his neck and shoulder, and breathing in the scent that was purely James. Closing her eyes, she sighed and relaxed into him.

The next time Selena looked up, they were in what she assumed was the master bedroom. She was lying down on the bed and James was taking her shoes gently off. Forcing herself to lean up on her elbows, she looked around. How did she get there? What was the rest of the house like? A million questions were on the tip of her tongue as James began to massage her aching feet. What choice did she have? Selena collapsed back on the pillows with a contented sigh.

“No fair,” she said softly and then purred with delight.

“What?” he asked with equal softness. There was only the light from the hallway spilling into the bedroom, and yet it was the perfect amount to cast Selena in its serene glow. “What's not fair?”

“I missed the whole thing,” she said around a yawn.

“What are you talking about?”

“Your house. I closed my eyes when we were outside, and the next thing I knew, we were already here in your bedroom.” She popped open one eye. “This is your bedroom, right?”

“Who else's would it be?” he teased.

“Mmm…ours,” she said quietly.

James's hands stilled as he looked up at her face. There, against the pillows, Selena let out a soft snore. She was sound asleep. Carefully, he climbed from the bed and left the room. His craftsman-style home had two stories, and he made his way down the stairs to lock the front door, set the alarm, and turn out the lights. In the darkness, he made his way to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water and finally allowed himself to breathe.

Ours.

She had said ours. He would be lying if he said he'd never thought about it. When he had bought this house four years ago, he had done most of the work with Selena in mind. It was unusual, he knew, because it had been so long since they'd seen each other, and yet she still influenced his life. They used to talk about the kind of house they would have some day, and when this particular house came on the market, James knew it was something Selena would have loved.

And she had slept through the grand tour.

Taking a long drink, he finished and put the glass in the sink before making his way slowly back up the stairs. At the doorway to the master bedroom, he stopped. His chest ached at the sight of her, her auburn hair laid out on the pillow, her face completely relaxed as she slept. It was a scene he had been too scared to let himself fully envision, and yet here she was.

Quietly, he stepped into the room, turned on a small lamp, and moved her luggage to the upholstered bench at the foot of his bed. He didn't want to rifle through her things but knew she'd be uncomfortable sleeping as she was. Walking over to his dresser, he found an old T-shirt and pulled it out before going back to her side of the bed to begin the task of undressing her and then getting his T-shirt on her.

Selena must have been dead to the world because she was like a rag doll in his hands. With as much finesse as he could muster, he had Selena stripped down to her panties and then had to take a moment to compose himself. Would he ever get tired of seeing her? Touching her? While James knew that now was not the time for him to be thinking anything even remotely sexual, he couldn't seem to help himself. Shaking his head to clear his wayward thoughts before they took hold, he pulled the large T-shirt over her head and got her arms through the sleeves and let out a sigh of relief.

And still she slept through it.

Confident that there was nothing he could do to wake her, he shifted pillows and pulled the comforter and sheets out from under her and then back over her. Stripping down to his briefs, he took one last look at her, as if to assure himself that she was really there, before turning off the bedside lamp. Rolling to his side, he pulled Selena close, a position that he was greatly getting used to, and breathed in the scent of vanilla. She sighed contentedly in his arms, and in that moment, James knew what it felt like to have it all.

* * *

Selena awoke slowly; the feel of James pressed up against her back was becoming way too familiar and far too comforting. She stretched slightly and smiled at the fact that he was clearly happy to have her there, as evidenced by the arousal pressing against her bottom. With a little wiggle, she pressed closer to him as his arm banded just a bit tighter around her waist.

His breath on her neck and the slow scratch of his jaw against her cheek set Selena's entire body on alert. Yes, a girl could very well get used to waking up like this on a daily basis. His name came out as a whispered plea as she slowly turned in his arms. Face-to-face, heart-to-heart, it was exactly where she wanted to be. Forever.

Yikes
, she thought to herself, slowly coming more awake,
it's a little too early in the morning for such deep thoughts
. When her bare legs tangled with his, she smiled. He must have undressed her but was considerate enough to not leave her naked in the bed. His gentlemanly gesture made her heart melt all that much more. She wanted to thank him, to tell him how much she appreciated all he had done for her, but decided to show him instead.

Her kisses began at his jaw. James's eyes were still closed, but Selena knew he was on the precipice of waking up. She worked her way down his throat, up to flick her tongue along his ear before wiggling down into the blankets so she could kiss his chest. The hiss of breath he let out told her he was now much more awake. The hand that suddenly clenched in her hair confirmed it. Now it was her name that came out as a plea as Selena worked her way down his body and then back up again.

When he could take no more, he took her by the hips as she straddled him and held her still. Wordlessly, he reached for his nightstand. Selena watched as he pulled a condom from the drawer, and she placed her hand over his. “I told you it's not necessary. Besides, isn't it a little late for that?”

He chuckled and then sighed at the feel of her pressed so snugly against where he was the hardest. “Maybe, but I want you to know that I don't take this lightly. I want to protect you.”

“You have nothing to worry about. I trust you.”

“That's not what I mean, Selena. I mean that I realize nothing is one hundred percent effective, and we've been more than a little careless. I just want to make sure that nothing happens that we're not ready for.”

A sad smile covered her face as she reached out and caressed his cheek. “It won't matter if we're ready or not; it's not going to happen.” It was amazing how time made it possible for her to be able to say those words out loud and for the pain in her heart to just be a dull ache.

“What are you talking about?” James shifted up farther onto his pillows to try to put them at a more level view, but his hands kept her securely on top of him.

“I don't want to talk about this now,” she said, leaning in to kiss his neck in an attempt to distract him. “Please.”

As much as he would have loved to have her continue what she had started, he had to know what she was talking about and what had put that look on her face. Taking his hands from her hips, he gently gripped her shoulders and held her back a bit. “Selena? Talk to me.”

Her eyes closed as defeat washed over her. “One of the lasting effects from the accident is…well, I can't…I can't have children.” She did her best to keep her voice level and devoid of emotion, but it wasn't easy. The look of devastation on James's face nearly made her crumble. “It's okay; I've had a lot of time to come to grips with it. Really. So you see,” she said, going for a more flippant tone, “you really don't need one of these.” Tossing the condom packet over her shoulder, she tried to lean back in toward him, but James held her at bay.

“I don't understand,” he said harshly. “What could have possibly happened that would cause that? What exactly happened to you?” It wasn't clear in that moment whom he was angrier with—himself, Selena, or her father.

“James, I really don't want to—”

“Tell me,” he demanded through clenched teeth.

Sighing, she climbed from his lap and put some distance between them. “I don't know what to say to you. You want a whole rundown of what happened to me, of why this happened, but there are no clear answers. I had a miscarriage. I had internal injuries. There's scar tissue where there shouldn't be.”

“Can it be removed?”

She shrugged. “Possibly. The doctors told me it would be another surgery, fairly invasive, and to be honest, I just didn't want to go through any more medical stuff. My insurance wouldn't cover it because it wasn't a necessary procedure—it gets labeled under fertility issues—and it was more trouble than it was worth. I've come to grips with not having kids, and I'm okay with it now.”

Something feral inside him broke lose. Kicking the blankets aside, he jumped from the bed and paced the room like a caged animal. “You're okay with it?” he asked incredulously. “How can that be? There was a time when all you wanted was to be a mother, and now you're saying that you're okay with it like it was nothing! You can't be serious!”

Most men would have taken the green light to have unprotected sex without any chance of an unplanned pregnancy and run with it greedily. Not James. It was a topic Selena had never been comfortable talking about, and after a while, she had just stopped thinking about it. There hadn't been anyone in her life who made her want to reconsider her options, and she thought that she was finally at a point in her life where she sincerely was okay with it. One look at James, however, and Selena seriously began to second-guess herself.

“What choice did I have?” she finally cried out, hugging a pillow to her middle. “When I found out, I had already been through so much poking and prodding from so many doctors. I looked into what could be done, but like I said, my insurance wouldn't cover it, and I was never with anyone I wanted to have kids with, so it wasn't an issue. Why are you making it one now?”

That was the million-dollar question. In his heart, James knew he wanted a future with Selena; hell, he had always wanted that. It was getting through the present that was messing with him. They had come so far, and yet he knew that they still had so much further to go before everything was all right.

“If you had the means to do it, would you have the procedure done?”

Selena's eyes grew wide at the question. “I don't see where that's—”

“Would you or would you not have it done if money wasn't an issue?” he demanded, standing beside her.

“I don't think you realize the cost—”

He leaned down until they were eye to eye. “I don't give a damn about the cost, Selena; if it was possible, would you want to have a baby?”

Fear gripped her by the throat. Her heart beat a frantic rhythm in her chest. By having the decision taken away from her, Selena had been spared the anguish and fear of losing another child. The by-product of infertility was that it actually kept her safe, kept her sane. How would she be able to stand it if she created another life and lost it? James's eyes never left her face, and she knew there was no way she could lie to him about this. “I honestly don't know. I don't know if I can go there again.” Her voice was small and frail, and she held her breath, waiting for his anger, his outrage. Instead, he reached out and pulled the pillow from her arms and pulled her to her feet and wrapped her in his warm embrace.