Return to Paradise (12 page)

EIGHTEEN

Maggie

aleb is really mad at me. He turns away and looks out the window. I know he wants to escape right now, which is why I'm so thankful that Damon is here. Physically I can't stop Caleb from leaving, but Damon can.

"Let Damon help you," I say.

Caleb tenses. "Nobody can help, Maggie. Get it through that thick skull of yours, okay?"

"She's not the enemy," Damon says in a terse voice. "Man, kid, you are one master of displaced anger."

"Be careful," Caleb says. "She's a wolf in sheep's clothing. This is your party, Maggie. Why don't you tell Damon everything he wants to know?"

"It's not my story to tell. It's yours."

While Damon eats, Caleb and I are silent.

"I'm waiting," Damon says as he reaches for the salt shaker.

"I can't tell you," Caleb says.

Damon takes a long sip of coffee before very deliberately setting his mug back on the table. "Why not?"

Caleb looks at me, his eyes bleak.

Damon drums his fingers on the tabletop. "I read the file, Caleb. You gave a detailed story about how you swerved to avoid a squirrel, hit Maggie, and panicked."

"I'm a good storyteller," Caleb mumbles.

The drumming stops. "Why did you take the blame for someone else?"

"I don't know."

"That's not an answer."

"Well, that's the only one you're gonna get out of me," Caleb says defiantly.

A squad car drives by the diner, making my heart beat in overtime. Did Damon call the police before he came? Caleb was right, I shouldn't have called Damon.

"Please don't have him arrested," I tell Damon. "Caleb has been punished enough."

"Tell you what," Damon says. "I'll forget I heard about your little secret for now and you finish my Re-START program. If you do, and promise to go back to Paradise and straighten everything out, I'll make sure you stay out of jail for the drug charges. Sound like a deal?"

"Why would you do that?" Caleb asks.

"Let's just say I think you're a good kid. That doesn't mean I think you make stellar choices in life. I think you've made some damn stupid ones, not to mention the little disappearing act you and Maggie pulled last night. But I made some crappy choices as a teen and I'm willing to give you one last chance. You with me?"

"I'm with you," I say, trying to sound cheery.

"What kind of crappy choices?" Caleb asks, challenging Damon. "You sit back and watch all of the Re-START crew tell our fucked-up stories, but you never say a damn word."

Damon picks up his mug and grips it tightly. "I was a coke addict, and I lost everything. I lost my girlfriend, my kid, and my money. One day I didn't pay my supplier for the coke I used and they beat me up real bad. Luckily, I got out, but not a day goes by when I don't regret treating my girl and my kid like they were garbage. I'd do anything to get them back, but it's too late now. She moved to Arizona and lets me see my kid once a year."

"Can't you get them back?" Caleb asks. "Tell them you got your life on track and want to be a family?"

"It's not that simple. I did horrible things-I stole money and property from family and friends. Some things can't be forgiven, and I've come to terms with it. She's moved on. I have to, also. So now that you know my story, are you coming with me?"

Caleb gives me a look that tells me he doesn't trust me anymore, but he's resigned to his fate. "I guess I'm with you, too."

Back at the dorm, we find the rest of the group in the lounge area waiting for us.

"Where did you two sneak off to?" Lenny asks. "A secret rendezvous to do the nasty?"

Caleb and I ignore him. Damon walks up to Lenny and smacks the back of his head while the girls follow me to my room.

"I'm glad you're back," Erin says.

"Me too."

Trish sits on the edge of my bed while I unpack the stuff from my backpack. "Where'd you guys go?"

"Nowhere special. Caleb needed to get away, and I couldn't let him go alone."

When we first walked off campus, I thought that was it for us and Re-START. But even before I knew Caleb was going to make me come back, I realized I couldn't run away. One night in that playground castle proved I couldn't physically do it ... I can't leave even if I want to.

"Caleb needs you," Trish says.

I smile weakly. "I don't think he'd agree with you right now. He's pissed that I called Damon to come get us."

"He'll get over it if he knows what's good for him. He probably just needs some time to realize he has to rely on other people. Guys are control freaks and hate when other people know what's best for them."

Damon calls us out in the living room after we're all showered and dressed. He's got a clipboard tucked under one arm and claps his hands together kinda ... excited. "We're going to juvie," he announces.

"Been there, done that," Caleb mumbles under his breath.

"It's time to share your stories with troubled teens who are locked up." Damon eyes us over the clipboard in his hands. "Maybe when they get out they'll think twice before getting drunk, or doing drugs, or showing off to their buddies before getting behind the wheel of a car."

Damon walks over to Caleb and gets into his personal space. He doesn't touch him; he just stands there. "You'll be okay, Caleb."

Caleb turns his face away, but as if he can't help the words from coming out against his will he says, "I don't want to go back there, Damon. Cut me some slack, will ya?"

I know how hard it is for Caleb to ask anyone for a favor. I know how much that request cost him.

Damon shakes his head slowly and pats him on the back. "It's important, Caleb. And we'll all be there for you."

In the van, I purposely sit next to Caleb in the back row. The muscles in his jaw are twitching and he's got his hands folded on his chest. He's tense.

"Want to talk about it?" I ask him quietly so nobody else can hear.

"No comment." He looks out the window, shutting me out.

It takes us almost two hours to reach the juvenile detention center, or DOC-Department of Correctionsas Caleb calls it. Our van is cleared and ushered through the tall barbed-wire gate. I can feel the tension and stress radiating off Caleb. He doesn't want to be here. I don't know everything that happened to him here, but a while back he gave me a few glimpses into what he went through.

I'm having second thoughts about calling Damon and telling him we were at the diner. Maybe I should have let things stay as they were. At least then I wouldn't have Caleb mad at me.

"I'm sorry I made you come back to Re-START," I mumble.

"Whatever," he says as he stares out the window at the barbed-wire fence surrounding the compound. "It's over and done."

"What's over and done? Ditching Re-START, or us as a couple?"

A man and woman in dark suits are in the parking lot, waiting for us. We all step out of the van, but Caleb stops me when everyone else is out but us.

"Listen," he says. "I'm not gonna say I haven't thought about what it would be like if you and I, well, you know. But I think we should cool it for a while. At least until after this Re-START bullshit is over."

"And after it's over, what then?"

Damon pounds on the side of the van, startling me. "Come on, slowpokes, get a move on!" Damon yells. "You're holding everyone else up!"

I step out into the hot summer air and stare at the guards with guns in their holsters. It makes me feel safe and scared at the same time.

The guy with the suit walks right up to Caleb. "We haven't seen your mug here since you got released. I trust you're staying out of trouble."

Caleb almost stands at attention, his face as grave as I've ever seen it. He barks out an "I'm trying to, sir," which makes the guy in the suit narrow his eyes at Caleb.

"Try? I'm sure you can do better than try, Becker."

"Yes, sir."

After staring Caleb down, the guy paces in front of all of us. "I'm Mr. Yates and this is Ms. Bushnell," he says loudly, so that we can all hear him. He points to the woman standing next to him, her hair pulled back into a tight bun. "The girls will be visiting our female population with Ms. Bushnell and the boys will be visiting our male population with me. You ready?"

We all nod, except Caleb. I watch as he pulls Damon aside and says quietly, "I can't do this."

NINETEEN

Caleb

can't do this," I tell Damon again. Shit, my knee has been shaking nonstop since he started driving.

Damon pats me on the back again, as if he's a friend of mine and will stand by me no matter what. "Yes, you can. Trust me."

Trust him? When was the last time I actually trusted anyone without getting screwed? "Whatever, dude."

"Listen, you're stronger than you think, Caleb. These kids are looking for role models."

I swipe sweat off my forehead. "Get a clue, Damon. I'm not a role model, and I don't want to be one. What am I gonna tell these guys, that I went to jail for something I didn't do?"

"It's your choice what you tell them."

I look up at the brick building that I lived in for almost a year. I had to get up at six thirty and shower in front of others, I had to eat when they said eat, and when I needed to use the facilities during juvie school, I was escorted into the bathroom so I could crap. It was pathetic.

Just like back then, it doesn't seem like I have any choice in the matter. I follow Yates and the other ReSTART guys towards the male sector, but look back and watch Ms. Bushnell escort the girls to the other sector. Maggie is limping behind her. Very soon she's going to see the reality of how I lived for a year. I wish I could stop her from going in there.

When I was in the DOC, the girls and guys never saw each other. We had school a few hours a day, went to group therapy, were assigned chores, went outside for an hour, ate three meals, and had the rest of the day to chill in our cells. We were encouraged to read a lot or study to pass the time, but a lot of the guys hated reading or couldn't read worth shit.

In the intake center waiting room, my hands are shaking a little, so I shove them into my pockets as I stand and scan the security guards and security cameras and securely locked doors. I glance at the waiting cells, where you get locked up before they register you. Bad memories come flooding back.

After registering as an offender here, they confiscate every single piece of clothing and personal item and keep them locked up until you're released. The strip search is next, and let me tell you, the guard who does it makes sure you're not hiding any contraband in any crevice of your body.

Yates holds out a clear plastic bin. "Empty all your pockets. I mean everything, including pens, pencils, money, wallets, and paper."

We all do as instructed, then we're escorted through a bunch of locked doors and corridors. We come to a room where inmates meet their families and friends on visitors' day.

"We've decided to pair you off," Yates says. "You'll each be meeting with our residents one-on-one. That way, we can have shifts and you guys can share your stories in a small setting. No cussing or lewd comments are allowed. No touching the residents."

Damon, Matt, and I all look over at Lenny, who puts his hand on his chest. "You guys think I'm lewd?"

Is he kidding me? The kid urged me to pull his finger so he could fart, he fans his sweaty ball sacks in front of us, and doesn't clean his wayward pubes off the toilet seat. If he's not lewd, God help us all.

I roll my eyes.

"No comment," Matt says and laughs.

Damon gives Lenny a sharp stare. "Keep it appropriate, Lenny, or you'll find yourself on bathroom cleaning duty for the rest of the day."

Lenny mocks Damon by saluting him. "Yes, sir."

Damon shakes his head. He's probably counting down the days until this program is over and he can kick us to the curb.

Yates sits on the edge of one of the tables in the room and points to me. "Caleb will attest to the fact that some of our residents come from broken homes and/or gangs and don't have a grounded filter when it comes to making good choices. A lot of these kids will trust you if you've also gone through tough times like they have. They think hardships are a badge of honor."

My hardships are a pain in my ass, not a badge of honor. And make no mistake about it, the guys locked in the DOC are far from residents. Yates makes it sound like these guys are paying rent for their living quarters. What a fucking joke. In reality, they're locked up like animals.

We're each assigned a table. It's eerily quiet as the first round of inmates join us. They walk in the room with their hands behind their backs as required by the guards, their expressions blank. The familiar dark blue polyester jumpsuits take me back to the first day I was here. That suit was a constant reminder my life was not my own anymore ... while I was locked up, it was owned by the Illinois Juvenile Justice Department and the Department of Corrections.

Their heads are all buzz-cut or shaved, a requirement for all new inmates. When the final person walks in the room, it's like a ghost appears right in front of me.

It's Julio, my old cellmate. He's wearing an orange jump suit instead of the regular blue one, meaning he's under harsh restrictions for getting into trouble in the DOC.

I haven't heard from or talked to Julio since I left this place. He was a complete ass when we were first assigned as cellmates, but after he realized I wasn't afraid of him and saw me stand toe-to-toe with gang member Dino Alvarez in the exercise yard when he cornered me, we got along just fine.

Julio, tattoos on his neck peeking out of his suit, sits opposite me. "Long time no see, amigo."

"How you been?" I ask.

"Chillin' in the DOC. I get released in two weeks, if not sooner," he says with a grin. "Hoo-rah. Just got to stay out of trouble."

Not easy for a guy like Julio.

Julio was the one who hooked me up with his cousin Rio. I lived with Rio until... "Rio got busted."

Julio shakes his head. "I heard. Fuckin' shame. My cuz ain't gettin' out anytime soon 'cause he's a repeater. I'm screwed too, 'cause I was gonna live with him. My ma moved back to Mexico with her boyfriend."

"I got busted too," I tell him. "That's why I'm on this program. It was either this, or get locked up again."

I watch Julio lean back in his chair as the news sinks in. "What you gonna do after you're done?"

I shrug. "Don't know."

Damon walks over to us. "Sounds like a reunion, guys."

"Julio was my cellmate," I explain. "Julio, this is Damon. He was my transition counselor."

Julio nods to Damon and shuts up immediately. There's no way Julio is gonna be friendly or chat with anyone who works for the DOC in any way, shape, or form. Julio is a gang member with connections inside and outside this place, and he doesn't trust anyone outside of his circle. I'm surprised he still trusts me, but then again we spent almost a year as cellmates and slept, ate, and shit in close quarters.

Damon walks over to Matt's table. Matt is talking to a kid who looks like the typical newbie. He's scared as hell to be here but is putting on a tough front.

A guard stands right by the solid metal door, a stun gun on one side of his belt and a shoot-to-kill gun on the other. I notice that one of the guards has his eyes trained on Julio. This isn't the typical juvie. This place holds bigtime offenders who just happen to be underage. Yates is on the opposite side of the room, his arms folded on his chest as he narrows his eyes at us. They're watching us like hawks like they did when I was an inmate here.

Julio leans in and whispers, "Yates thinks this shithole is the Club Med, but it sucks. I can't wait to get out of here, man. Hell, maybe I'll come visit you in Paradise. I've always wanted to know how the hicks in the boondocks live. I hear the chicks in Paradise are easy."

"Some are," I say, thinking about my ex, Kendra, "and some aren't," I add, thinking about Maggie.

My thoughts turn to Maggie. She's probably freaking out meeting tough girls who eat innocent girls like her for breakfast.

Yates passes our table and gives us the evil eye.

What does the guy expect, that I'll slip Julio some drugs or a shovel so he can dig his way out of here?

I clear my throat and lean toward Julio. "So I'm supposed to share how reckless driving has changed my life and caused pain to others. It's part of the program."

Julio rolls his eyes and snorts. "All right, hit me with it.

"Reckless driving changed my life and caused pain to others," I say, as if I'm reading off a cue card.

Julio grins. I'm making a joke of this visit and Julio gets it. But the truth is, it's not a joke. It's reality. Suddenly, I get serious.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I guess I, um, never told you what really happened the night I was arrested."

"You never talked much about it."

"Yeah, 'cause I didn't do it." I shrug and look at my former cellmate. "I pled guilty even though I wasn't guilty."

Julio chuckles. "You're shittin' me, right?" He says it low so nobody can hear him cuss. Yates doesn't take cussing lightly, not in his jail. Luckily Warden Miller isn't here, or Julio would probably get some sort of punishment for cussing. Warden Miller takes his rules seriously and expects everyone else to. If not, you better be prepared for extra chores, early bedtime, or even solitary.

I shake my head. "Nope."

"Why'd you plead guilty? To protect someone?"

"Yeah," I whisper. "Something like that."

"Wow. Can't say I'd do the same thing." Julio looks at me sideways. "Unless it was family. I'd die for my family."

I nod slowly. "Me too."

Julio nods back in complete understanding, because even though we come from totally different backgrounds, we're cut from the same cloth. He knows just by my nod that I sacrificed myself and went to jail for a family member.

"You regret it?" he asks.

I pause to think about what my life would have been like if I hadn't been arrested. "Yeah, I do. Fucked-up thing is, I can't say I wouldn't do it again."

"Loyalty and honor and all that shit really screws with your head, doesn't it?"

"Yeah." I wince, because images of Maggie aren't far from my thoughts. I don't want to think about her now. "And girls really screw with your head, too."

Julio raises an excited eyebrow. "My boy Caleb's got a girl? Nice goin', dude. Who is she? Last I heard, you and your skanky ex broke up 'cause she was gettin' it on with your best friend."

"One more minute guys," Yates bellows. "Wrap it up!"

"I don't have a girl," I say, chuckling at the thought. "Besides, the only chick I might want hates me. I never say the right thing around her. Hell, I try and push her away so I don't have to deal with the drama. And she pisses me off most of the time."

"Sounds like a match made in Heaven to me." Julio leans across the table. "Take advice from a guy who hasn't seen a girl under twenty in over a year-the only female I've talked to lately is the cafeteria worker, and she's so fugly I'm not even sure she's female. You only live once, so take advantage of what you got when you have it."

"You too."

"I hear you loud and clear. No regrets anymore, okay? Live every day like it's your last. jComprende?"

Yates orders the inmates to line up at the door.

I crack a smile. Julio is right. I've been living every day with regret, when it should be the other way around. "Yeah, I understand."

"See you on the outside, Caleb." He holds up two fingers. "Peace." With those words, he shuffles out of the room.

I'm ready to live my life without regrets. I've just got to figure out a strategy to make that happen.