Resistance (21 page)

Chapter 27

I wake up violently to Pepper’s punch to my gut. Her voice is strained yet clear. “No. No. Not like this,” she yells like a broken record. I wrestle her, pinning her arms at her sides, calling her name until she wakes.

“
Shhh. You’re safe,” I whisper into her ear. Her breathing is ragged and she goes limp in my arms. “I’m right here. You’re safe.” I loosen my hold and she rolls into my front, burying her face in my chest. I run my fingers through her hair, over and over until she’s settled. Breathing steady. Soundly asleep.

When morning comes I pad into the kitchen to start coffee for us, completely forgetting there are two ATF agents in her house. I scream like a little bitch when I see them, cover my exposed junk, and hightail it back to the bedroom. Pepper’s awake and laughing. Loudly.

“You forgot.”
She laughs. I leap onto the bed, tackling her in all my naked glory.

“Yeah
,” I answer.

“You screamed like a little girl.”
She giggles more, squirming to break free of my hold.

“Did that too
,” I admit.

“I want to try
, Sawyer” she says, not giggling.

“Try what?”

“I want try us. Really try us. What do I do?” she asks timidly.

“Pepper. All you need to do is talk to me. Don’t pull away. Explain that shit. No more hot and cold. If you’re overwhelmed have the balls to just say that. All I need is a
heads-up. I can give space when you’re feeling quiet. I can smother you when you need affection, but you have to at least tell me.”

“Ok
ay. I’ll talk more,” she says. “I need smothering.” Her eyes well up with tears but before a single one can fall I lean down and kiss her senseless while holding her tightly to me.

“Clara is sitting down with Allie today,” I chatter nervously. Pepper already knows this. I’d relayed the entire conversation with Clara yesterday. We’ve closed the shop for today and tomorrow to be available to Allie. It’s the last weekend of summer before school starts back up. The timing seems off to me but I think that has more to do with everything I’ve been dealing with surrounding Pepper.

“Sawyer, I know it sounds like a huge deal, but Allie will be ok
ay. She’s a really smart, open kid,” Pepper soothes.

“She is
…yeah,” I mumble. Pepper rubs my back in slow, gentle circles. It only drives my anxiety home even more. I shoot up and start to pace the kitchen.

“Should I go?” she asks hesitantly
.

“No. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t want to annoy you
—but I’m a pacer when I’m anxious,” I ramble.

“Noted.”
She laughs.

The phone rings. I dive across the kitchen for it. Fumble with it. Drop it. Almost punch Pepper in the head when she tries to retrieve it for me and finally get it answered
.

“Hello!” I shout. Ugh. Someone shoot me now. I’m already messing this all up
.

“Sawyer?” Allie
hiccups into the phone. My heart breaks. Right there. Like never before.

“I’m here
, baby. What do you need?” I coo into the receiver, wanting to take away every bad feeling she could possibly have.

“Pepper
,” she cries.

“What?” I ask
, confused. I pull the phone from my head and stare at it like it bit me. Allie sobs into the phone some more before I hear Clara come on the line.

“She wants Pepper. She wants to talk to Pepper alone
,” Clara states, sounding as baffled as I feel.

“Okay.” I turn robotically, stare at the woman beside me
, and hope like hell this is the right move. I hand the phone to her.

“She wants you
,” I say drawing, my brows together.

I don’t understand this. I’m not prepared for Allie needing anything outside of me or Clara or Dom. Pepper smiles nervously and takes the phone from me
.

“Hello? Allie?” she speaks softly. “Uh huh.” She pauses, listening. “No, actually I think it’s wonderful.” Her face lights up at something Allie says. “Oh honey, because, it just goes to show how many people truly love and adore you
,” she says, smiling at me. “Absolutely. We’ll be right there.”

I watch in shock as Pepper ends the call, hands the phone back to me
, and slips on her shoes.

“Allie would like us to come over for a
sundae-making contest. She said, ‘I think it will make us all bond.’ Have I ever told you that that little girl has somehow managed to steal a piece of my dead heart?” Pepper rambles. Everything slows down. Blurs together. She loves my little girl. She handled that flawlessly. She’s going with me to “bond” with the rest of the family. I’m going to have a Goddamned heart attack right here. It’s happening. I don’t think I’m breathing.

“Sawyer!” Pepper shouts. “Did you hear me? We have to go.” Her head is cocked to the side and a hand rests on one hip
.

“Uh, yeah. Just, yup, we have to go.” I smile. Content. I feel full with contentment. Pepper grabs my hand and tugs me towards the door
.

“Let’s take the truck in case she wants to come back with you and spend the night.”

My heart explodes in my chest.

Chapter 28

We make it to the cabin in record time. Pepper chattered on the entire way about how amazing she thought Allie was. I couldn’t disagree, but I’d been quiet, Overthinking Allie’s reaction. I’m nervous for the questions and the aftermath that we might be stepping into.

The truck is barely in park when the front door flies open and Allie comes tumbling out
, running full speed at me. Her arms are splayed wide, ready to be held. Her small cheeks are red and tear stained. It takes everything I have not to cry. I scoop her up into my arms and crush her to my chest.

“You’re always my girl, you know that right?” I whisper in her ear. She nods into my neck and sniffles. Pepper smiles and follows my lead into the house
.

“Pepper, welcome
,” Dom says, looking worn out. Clara is splayed out on the couch with a glass of wine. She lifts a hand but utters no words. That’s a first. Clara, speechless. I set Allie down and sit in the chair to the left of Clara and Dom. Pepper stands awkwardly.

“Pepper
, can you help me get all the stuff lined up on the counter?” Allie asks shyly. Pepper nods happily and lets Allie lead her to the kitchen.

“So
,” I start.

“Well
, it was awful at first,” Dom starts.

“But then Allie...just...got it
,” Clara finishes.

“We explained that in no way does this option change anything between the three of us and how we all function now. That it’s still her choice to accept it or not. She was so worried for you
, Sawyer. It was heartbreaking. But,” Clara stops talking and breathes deeply. “She said as long as you’re still her dad then she’d like to take Dom’s last name. That being adopted would be okay. Then she wanted to talk to you. We should have had you here I think,” she whispers.

“She didn’t even speak when I picked up
,” I state.

“She said that Pepper seemed like
someone she could ask advice from, not a parent. Can you believe that? The kid is more emotionally stable than any of us.” Dom chuckles.

“I think you’re right.” I watch as Clara sits up and watches Pepper and Allie move about the kitchen
.

“She was really great
, Sawyer. Supportive and honest. I think Allie needed that right then. I think she needed to hear it from someone that
wasn’t
a parent to her,” Clara says, smiling. Dom pulls her close to his side and kisses her temple. I ache to be able to do the same thing right now. To have that partner for support in moments like these.

“Sundae contest is ready! And I’ll warn you, Pepper is the bomb at dessert
,” Allie chirps. We all push up from our seats to join them in the kitchen.

By ten p.m. Allie is tucked in and sleeping soundly upstairs. Clara, Dom, Pepper, and I are out on the deck having a drink and enjoying the view of the lake as the moonlight dances on the water. There’s a slight chill in the air as summer is winding down and fall is creeping in. I watch the moonlight reflect off Pepper’s long, black locks. Her skin is lit up and she looks stunning in the low light with her copper eyes sparkling.

“Can I comment on something?” Pepper asks
.

“Shoot
,” Clara answers.

“I think Allie is amazing,
and I think it’s because of you all. She’s open-minded, caring, and kind. I don’t think if you and Sawyer had had a traditional relationship that any of this—you marrying Dominic, Sawyer dating, adoption talk—would have turned out the same. I think you’ve shown her love comes in many forms and I just think it’s amazing how cool she is.”

Dom beams at Pepper and nods his head. For the first time I’m actually enjoying my time at Dom’s house with Dom present. The outdoor speakers are softly playing one of Clara’s mellow lists and the company is proving to be really pleasant. It feels nice. Right
.

“I’ve thought the same thing. Sawyer and I,” he
starts, pausing to look at me, “have had our...differences, but when it comes to Allie he’s never ever let anyone down and Clara has made sure that Allie gets what she needs no matter what her personal feelings might be. They’ve done great and it shows in Allie’s behavior and personality.” Clara kisses Dom’s cheek before pouring herself a refill. I pull Pepper onto my lap and squeeze her.

“Thank you
,” I whisper into her ear. She smirks at me before I kiss the spot just behind her ear. Her body tenses just slightly. It makes me wonder what I just did. She stands, declaring that she needs another bourbon, and moves to the outdoor bar Dominic has set up. I lean my head back in the Adirondack chair and soak up the easy moment of camaraderie surrounding me.

That awful country song comes on. The one Clara knows I hate. I make a face at her when I realize it’s playing. She laughs
.

“Suck it up. It’s
one
song,” she says and chuckles. A glass breaks on the deck. All eyes dart to Pepper’s direction. She’s frozen in place. Pale as a ghost. Her knees buckle, but before I have a chance to get to my feet, Clara is next to Pepper, catching her as she collapses. Tears are falling freely down her face. Her lips are moving. Counting. One. Two. Three. My gut hurts. The expression on her face shows shock and hurt as she clings to Clara through her violent shaking.

“
Shh,” Clara whispers to her. “It’s okay.” She holds up a hand to me and Dom, silently asking us to keep back. I don’t want to keep back. I want to scoop Pepper into my arms and take away whatever pain is haunting her.

“The song
,” Pepper gurgles. Dom moves instantly to the iPod and changes it.

“Come with me
,” Clara urges, helping Pepper to stand. They move past me silently and swiftly. Dom appears by my side and slaps a hand on my shoulder.

“She’ll be ok
ay. Come on, let’s clean this up.” I hear him but the words don't compute. I don't understand. I walk to the iPod and look at the playlist. “
Hey Pretty Girl
.” That’s the song. What happened?

Thirty minutes later Clara emerges from the bathroom. I rush to her
, desperate to understand why it looked like Pepper had a mental breakdown.

“Well?” I ask
, feeling detached.

“Jesus
, Sawyer. It’s bad. She’s calm now. I gave her a Klonopin to calm her down.” She pauses and stares out the window for a moment. “She talked. I get it. I get her.
You
need to get her. Get her help, Sawyer. A trauma counselor. I gave her my therapist’s card. Make sure she calls.”

What? A trauma counselor?

“Please explain what’s happening,” I say quietly. Clara pulls me aside, further from the bathroom.

“The song triggered a memory. Caused a panic attack. Do you remember my nightmares?” she asks
.

“Of course.”

“Okay, same idea. Just awake instead of dreaming. You said she had secrets. I didn’t realize they were similar to things I’ve been through, but worse.” She shakes her head at me. “She’s young, Sawyer, convince her to call the therapist. I’ll help you however I can with that.”

“Okay
,” I mumble.

“Take her home. She’s tired and embarrassed. She needs to just be with you. She trusts you
,” Clara says with a sad, knowing smile. I always protected Clara from her demons too.

Chapter 29