Resist (London) (18 page)

Chapter Thirteen

Harper

He was still talking, but I couldn’t take anymore, he didn’t have a clue. Strict! Ha! I wanted to hit him, like...I
really
wanted to hit him. If I’d have had any idea how to actually throw a proper punch then I’d have done it!

I didn’t though.

Nope.

I
told
him.

My secret, the secret that I buried deep inside me, never telling anyone.
Never speaking a single word about it. He won, I
fucking
told him. It was a whisper, a broken whisper, a voice so soft, so childlike, I didn’t even know I was capable of it. Though he was still talking...He heard.

“
He hit me.”

He froze.

Just stopped moving, talking,
breathing
. His mouth was hanging open, his eyes glazed, skin pale...looked even worse than I assumed I did. I swallowed,
hard.
I didn’t want him to know. I wanted to take it back, swallow my words. Couldn’t do that though. He knew.

“
Your dad?” He asked, and I nodded. “I...what...how...Harper?” He fumbled over his words, didn’t make any sense, I wanted to take pity on him, help him out. But fuck...him. It was
my
problem,
my
history,
my
demons...
he
didn’t get to feel pain over it. Though he kind of looked like he was in pain, I didn’t give a flying fuck.

“So now you know. You can kiss my fucking arse
Mase...so your past didn’t affect you, mine did. I didn’t want to tell you that. Never wanted to tell anyone that. You’re so perfect, so open, so honest...well I don’t want
perfect
Mase. I just want to enjoy every...single...
second
that I’m breathing. Why shouldn’t I?”

He seemed to snap out of his freeze and instantly looked full of regret, but it was just too late. The words had been spoken, the wounds opened. No going back.

He opened his mouth to speak, but his words came out as a jumbled mess.

“
Shit.
Ok, fuck, I think...can we...can
you
talk about it? Like, not that I deserve it yeah, but I want to know, did you ever report it? Did he go to prison? God, what the fuck is it with shit parents beating their kids? Mother fucker.”

“No. You’re damn right you don’t deserve it. After how you just spoke to me? I swear if I was a violent person, I’d have ripped your fucking head off.” I answered, meaning every last word.

“Ok yeah, I shouldn’t have said what I said, and you’ve gotta know I didn’t mean a word of it. You just pissed me off, and yeah, I wanted to hurt you. Harsh obviously, but honestly babe, what do you think the last few months have done to me?!...I hate,
hate
that you’ve been through that, and I’m still not sure I understand even slightly, but if you never said, how are we supposed to know? How am
I
supposed to know?”

“You shouldn’t need to know Mase. It’s that simple. It shouldn’t matter that it happened.” I declared.

“How can you say that? Of course I need to know these things. I’m there thinking I was all wrong, and you’re really just a raving bitch, when deep down, you’re still hurtin’...”

I tried to cut him off, but he talked over me.

“Don’t deny it. That shit’ll hurt forever. But let me help. I’m
already
in, so it isn’t about that. It’s about
compromise,
and Sunshine, you don’t know the meaning of the word.”

I clenched my teeth together and fought the growing urge to punch him. I wanted to hurt him, I really did.

Bastard.

“Why do you want to know?” I asked. Even though I knew, of course he wanted to know, everyone did,
I know it’s a big deal, but it’s also in the past and I didn’t want to go back there.

“Don’t ask stupid questions Harper. I don’t
get it. Why don’t Taylor and Jase know? If you were being beaten by your dad, you should have told someone! He didn’t do anything worse right? Not that it can get much worse than a parent beating their own child but I just...I just don’t get it.”

He genuinely sounded confused.

Poor soul.

Fuck him.

“You wouldn’t get it Mason, because I was
sixteen
and I never told anyone
.
”

“What?” His brow was furrowed with confusion.

“You heard me. I was sixteen.”

“I don’t understand Harper, you need to talk to me,
I thought you lived with Taylor when you were sixteen? I know damn well she knows nothing about any beating. You’re gonna need to expand on this a little.”

He was wrong. I didn’t need to ‘expand on it’ I could
have walked away, never spoken to him again, but the need was compelling, I wanted him to know. To get it all out and let go of the one thing left holding me back.

I suggested we sit down and he followed woodenly, still looking at me like he’d never really
seen
me before.

I took a deep breath, and began my story.

“So, you know I didn’t get on with my parents right?” He nodded, I went on... “I was wrong before, it wasn’t that they were bad people exactly, they were just, cold. I was expected to adhere to their every whim, no matter what it was about. Bedtime, curfew, what I ate, what I wore, how I spoke, who I associated with. Absolutely everything. It wasn’t just rules Mason, this was more than that. They controlled everything about my life. I never rebelled, not once, I just did what they said, it was easier that way ya know? They were all my dad’s rules, my mum was just a shadow of a person, he said jump, she said how high? It was literally like she hung off his every word, so she made sure I did the same. He had some sort of God complex I swear.”

He was watching me intently, nodding in all the right places, but I couldn’t help but feel like he still didn’t get it.
Then came the hard part.

“When I was sixteen, there was this guy, a nice guy that I went to school with. We spent time together, but only during school, he was just
there
for me
.
I know I’ve always had Taylor and Jase, but this was different, he just
liked
me liked me. I’d always sort of been centre of attention, because I’m loud! But it was the time I’d had attention from a guy. So fast forward a couple of months, for the first time ever, I lied to my parents, told them I was going to Taylor’s, and went to see Mitch. One thing lead to another, and we slept together. It was my first time, and his, so it was kind of awkward and...”

“Spare me the details on that please babe.” He cut in.

I gave him a sheepish grin, I kind of knew he wouldn’t want to know those details, but it was good to know it for certain.

“Okay, moving on, it happened. We just stopped talking after that, all together. Maybe that was all he wanted and he was done with me, or maybe we just realised it was weird, I don’t know, but I never spoke to him again.
We wouldn’t even look at each other afterwards either. I was gutted. I supposed it was partly my fault because I didn’t make the effort to speak to him either, but I was scared! I was scared that he’d say I was mistake or something. I spent most nights crying myself to sleep and it was the only time in my life that I’d really doubted myself. At a time life that, a girl needs her mum ya know? So I told her. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I was hoping, praying even, that she might finally step up and be a mum, tell me that no boy was worth my tears, that someone better would come along, that I was worth more than that and boys were stupid. I don’t know, tell me
anything
that would make me feel better.”

I took a deep breath, trying to prevent my tears from falling. I never knew how hard it would be to tell him all about it. His body had grown tight, so I knew he was bracing for the rest.

“So I take a moment when she’s on her own, she’s sitting in the lounge watching TV and I just blurt it out. Just told her all about Mitch and what had happened. I’d never really spoken to her about, well, about anything to do with my life before. She stared at me, looking blank, nothing, totally emotionless. Then she stood up, walked up the stairs and went to her room. I didn’t understand that reaction at all but it upset me even more. Less than ten minutes later, my dad stormed through the door, looking so angry, he actually scared me. I thought he was going to hit me, beat me, I don’t know, but I knew it would be bad. He was practically vibrating with rage. My mum came strolling down the stairs looking timid and docile as ever, pretending like she hadn’t phoned him and told him before discussing it with me. I hated her in that instant.”

Shit, don’t cry, don’t cry,
don’t cry!

“So he starts ranting at me, screaming about how I’m a whore, a slut, how he always knew I was a bad seed, how I was going to bring shame to the f
amily name. Like I’d done something really terrible because I’d lost my virginity? It was crazy, like he wasn’t even speaking directly to me, just ranting out loud. I was a sobbing mess, tears, snot, all of it. I wasn’t a whore, or a slut! I was a good girl, I just made one mistake, everyone makes mistakes, but it was my mistake and it was my life. I can remember looking at the door, wondering if I could just run, and never go back, wondering if I could actually do it. I wish I had. My dad grabbed me by my arm, hard enough to leave bruises and he dragged me up the stairs to my room. I screamed out that he was hurting me, but he either was too caught up in his own ranting to notice, or he just didn’t care, frankly, I assume the latter. He just threw me inside, and shut the door. There was no way I was going back out there, I’d never seen him like that before.”

I paused for a second, thinking about that time.

“So what happened next?” He prompted.

“I must have fallen asleep or passed out or something because next thing, my dad picked me up, and not gently either and told me that he had made an appointment with the
doctor for me to go and get myself checked out and make sure I wasn’t pregnant. It was ridiculous. I went crazy, I refused point blank, it wasn’t happening. I just wouldn’t do it. I didn’t want some strange doctor prodding me with tools, and I knew we had been safe so there was no chance of either. He slapped me. Straight across my face. He looked like he hated me, I think he actually did. Then he shoved me towards my bed but I bounced at a funny angle and hit the floor. I don’t think he meant to hurt me because he’d never been physical with me before he slapped me but he was just so out of control. He just sneered at me and stormed back out, slamming the door so hard that the fucking windows rattled. I couldn’t even breathe I was crying so hard. I crawled back into bed, not knowing what I could do. I woke up in the morning and I already knew I needed to leave. How could I stay in a house with those people? The whole thing was so utterly crazy...”

“Wait, so he wasn’t beating you all the time? He just hit you that once?
” He interrupted.

Mason

I automatically winced at my tone, I knew I sounded almost flippant about what she was saying, but I couldn’t help feeling a bit like she may have been overreacting...
slightly
.

I mean, yeah he shouldn’t have lost control but
I felt like I just needed to shrug and tell her it’s all in the past, but I knew, from how she was looking at me, that really wouldn’t have gone over well.

“
No Mase, he didn’t beat me all the time, but don’t you think once is enough? You let them get away with it once and they know they can do it again.”

Shit, I didn’t want to argue with her about it, it was her body, but I had a brain to mouth malfunction
again
, and fucked up everything I’d worked for.

“
You’re over thinking this, yes it was ridiculous and no I don’t really understand his reaction. But people have it a lot worse than you had Harper. Even I did.”

Oh shit!

Her demeanour changed before my eyes, she went from looking heartbroken, stricken even, to looking like she had no idea who the fuck I was. Her tears dried up instantly and the air surrounding up chilled.

Yep...oh shit! Way to go, dickhead.

“Are you fucking
kidding me?!
” She screeched. “I’m over thinking this? You had it worse than me? I
know
you had it worse than I did, but it was still bad. How could you dismiss that like it’s nothing?”

She didn’t look angry anymore, just bemused, and a little hurt.

“You know what Mase? I don’t even know who you are anymore. The Mason I know would never have said something like that. Do you realise how heartless and blasé you sound? Maybe it’s a good thing that I found out now, because you seem to think that just because you had a bad childhood, that no one else’s can compare. It might have been awful for you, and I’m sorry you went through that, but maybe you’re just a stronger person than I am. Well bravo Mason. Well done for that.”