Resilient Love (Navy Love Series Book 3) (9 page)

We really have no idea how much longer we have with my mom, all we know is that her team of doctors and her have decided they’ve come to the end of the road as far as treatments go. And with what little medical knowledge that I have, I do know that hospice is called in to help the patient stay comfortable and maintain the pain until the end.

I’m still struggling to accept her impending death. I want my mom; I need her around. How am I supposed to get through life without her there?

It’s crazy, in the four days I’ve been here, she’s been her normal self with the exception of her pain. Each day is a game of Russian Roulette with how she’ll handle it. Luckily, the hospice nurse is great about keeping her medication on schedule.

Hearing her laughter when I open the front door this afternoon, a sense of relief washes over me. I know without seeing or speaking to her that today is a good day. My mom has a distinctive laugh that is genuine and a polite laugh that she uses when she’s trying to please others. The laugh I hear as I head into the living room is her genuine, real laugh. And as cheesy as it sounds, I relish in the sound of it.

I know I won’t have too many more opportunities to hear that laugh.

I assumed it was Kandice who was sitting and chatting with her. She’s quickly carved out a soft spot in my mom’s heart. However, when the sound of a deeper voice echoes off the walls, I know my assumption was incorrect.

I never expected to turn the corner and see J.C. sitting on the couch in the same living room I grew up in.

What in God’s name is he doing here?

Our eyes immediately find each other’s, and both fill instantly with desire laced with something else. Is that hope I see in his? Mine, on the other hand, have guilt entwined with the desire.

Coming face to face with him, here in my mom’s house, can only mean one thing. It’s time to face the music. J.C. and I have to talk.

But I’m not ready for it. I’m terrified to hear what he’ll say to me after all of these months. The fact that he has refused to speak to me up to this point can only lead me to believe that he won’t have anything nice to say. And even though I know our relationship, as well as our friendship, is over, I don’t want to hear him say the words.

They will be what causes that final string to snap on my sanity.

“What are you doing here?” I finally find my voice, still unable to pull my eyes away from the man who’s haunted my dreams lately.

“Joey! Be nice, young lady! J.C. came all the way here to visit,” my mom says, breaking the trance.

“Sorry, mama.”

Of course my mom defends J.C.; I think she’s always harbored a sweet little crush on him. But ever since I told her months ago about our tainted past, she’s been the leader of the J.C. fan club. While I love that she loves him, I know it's all a moot point now because we aren't and won't ever be together.

Kandice chooses this awkward moment to step into the small, crowded room and although she questions how my mother is doing, her focus stays on J.C. This makes me question the friendly nature she and I have developed over the last few days.

Unfortunately for her, J.C. doesn’t seem to notice her constant looks of desire. His eyes are focused on me instead, as if I’m the only person in this room.

And that scares the shit out of me, because I know if anyone can see through the facade I’ve spent the past six months building up, it’s J.C. And the way he’s looking at me, I already know he’s doing just that; looking through the wall I've constructed inside to see the real me. The one who’s still suffering. The one who’s terrified of losing her mother. The one who’s heartbroken.

“Kandice, dear, I think I’d like to go lay down for a bit.”

Of course my mom is going to make her exit, leaving me alone with J.C. My first instinct is to run away, but that isn’t me. I don’t, or didn’t used to, run away from my problems. Running wouldn’t help anything anyway. If I want to keep my friendships within the group I’ve come to claim as family in Norfolk, I have to work something out with J.C. At least be able to be in the same room together without the animosity we had before the holidays.

Kandice assists my mom to her room and within a couple minutes she’s back and excusing herself for the day. I can’t help but feel that Mom may have said something to her, because she doesn’t even glance in J.C.’s direction. I somehow manage to keep my smile hidden; even in her sickness, she’s still looking out for me.

The front door clicks shut with her departure and the tension immediately climbs to a new level in the small living room. J.C. has yet to break eye contact with me.

“So,” I start aimlessly tidying up the already spotless living room just to avoid looking at him, “thanks for coming out here, it really wasn’t necessary.”

“Jo. Why didn’t you tell me what’s going on with your mom?” J.C. asks.

He knows more about my mom’s illness than anyone else in our group. During many of those late night, after sex cuddle sessions with J.C., I may have cried and leaned on him for support.

“You were deployed… and not speaking to me anyway.”

I keep my attention on mindlessly stacking the already showroom ready magazines, but it doesn’t work when a large hand settles on my shoulder blade. I freeze, lost in all of the feelings that his simple touch does to me.

“That's a bullshit excuse. You know damn good and well that I would have talked to you regarding this...it's your mom!” He throws his hands up, exasperated with my careless tone towards him. “Are you even gonna look at me? I came all the way out here to see you, it's the very least you can do,” J.C.’s voice is lined with hurt.

“No one asked you to come out here, J.C. I was handling everything on my own; I didn't need anyone to take care of me. So why are you here?”

I stand and cast a quick glance at him. His facial expression and posture now match the hurt sound in his voice.

He has every right to be; I've done nothing but cause him damage for the past year or so. First my refusal to admit we were anything more than a casual hook up, then the miscarriage, followed by six months of silent treatment. Although, I don't think the silent treatment can all be blamed on me, he had a part in that too. And now that he's here, effectively ending our stalemate silent war, I treat him as if I don't want him here.

“I know,” he sounds defeated. “But I wanted to be here. Hell, I needed to be here. I hate the way we left things and I'll do anything to get us back, darlin’.”

With a loud sigh, I turn to face him finally.

“J.C., what's done is done with us. Eventually I'll get past my hurt and we can go back to being friends, but it's gonna take time.”

My words cut deep, and judging by his expression, they bring out some anger. He runs both hands through the sides of his hair in frustration.

“You and I both know we can't go back to friends. And we both know that's not what either of us wants.”

The reality of his words shatter another piece of my heart, because I know he's right. We can't go back, and while I didn't know his feelings, I've known for a while I would never be happy with just friends. Part of me is excited to hear that he feels the same way, but ultimately he just told me what I feared, I've lost him for good.

J.C.

Fuck
.

That was the last thing I expected either of us to say. This entire talk has been a disaster from the get go.

“I uh, thank you. For coming out here, I appreciate it. You probably made Mom’s week by showing up.”

There's an awkwardness lingering between us, something we've never had in the four years we've known each other.

This is the exact opposite of the reunion I wanted for us. Not that I had expected everything to fall back into our old routine, we need to talk over some things before that’s possible, but I didn’t think our friendship was at this level of distress.

“Well, I'm glad, but I'm here for you, too. Your mom filled me in on her health…”

This conversation is already so screwed up and emotional, and my genius ass decides now is the perfect time to throw in the fact that her mom has been given a death sentence marked for two months from now.

That’d be the cherry right on the mother fucking top of this fucked up discussion.

“Yeah. Doesn't look good. I uh, I,” her voice trails off not finishing with the rehearsed, fake upbeat response. She sighs dejectedly while rolling her neck from side to side, “How am I gonna get through this? What am I supposed to do without my mom, J.C.?”

I’m actually impressed with her bravado; she’s trying her damnedest and, I’m sure, succeeding in making people believe she’s already come to accept her mom’s fate. However, I see through it. Jo is good at putting on a front, but not with me. I don’t know why or how, but we’ve always been able to call each other out on our bullshit from the moment we met each other. And right now, I know she’s lying through this; it’s killing her to know that her mom isn’t going to be around much longer.

Timidly, I place my hand on her shoulders. “Hey, your mom has an incredibly positive outlook on what's happening. She's ready to end this fight and you've gotta be supportive. I'll be here for you through it all, Jo.”

It's slight, but I do catch the stiffening of her shoulders.

She doesn't believe me
.

And it's my own fault; I caused her to lose faith in me.

“Jo, I fucked up before. I left when you needed me. I should have been here for you and instead I ran like a coward. But I promise you, that won't happen again. I'm always gonna be here for you, whether it's as a friend or something else, you’ll always have me.”

She gives a half-hearted shoulder shrug and slight nod before walking away.

We've got so much to discuss, and I've got a lot to prove to her now. She needs to understand that what happened was a one-time deal; that I refuse to allow myself to let her down again.

Jo takes my silence as the end of our conversation and leaves the room. I'll let it go for now, but the conversation is far from over.

Two days later, I’m surprised when I pull up to the house to be met outside by Jo’s oldest brother, Miguel. We haven’t spoken much since my arrival and our first meeting, but he’s been cordial enough. It seems as though he’s waiting on me today.

I walk up and he meets me halfway down the sidewalk.

“Hey man, you gotta minute to talk?”

I nod, unsure where this is going.

“I was thinkin’ about you and my sister last night. I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but I know there’s history.” I nod but keep all my comments to myself for now. “I just want to make sure you’re here for the right reasons. Joey doesn’t need a man comin’ around just to take advantage of her then run off, which like I said, I don’t know what happened with you two before, she’s been tightlipped about it, but I don’t want her hurt again. When she came to visit two months ago, she was so depressed and none of us knew how to pull her out of it; I felt helpless. And I can’t help but assume you had something to do with all of that?”

He looks at me expectantly.

I’m assuming Jo hasn’t filled her family in on anything with the two of us, and not to be rude, but it damn sure isn’t my place to tell her brother what happened; but I can give him some peace of mind.

“I fucked up a few months back, Miguel. Overreacted to something and blamed Jo. I ran out and shipped off on a deployment instead of giving her a chance to explain herself. I know that I screwed up big time, and I’m tryin’ now to fix it.”

He nods his head casually.

“I can respect that you’re owning your mistake, but I gotta be the big brother here—don’t fuck up again, she deserves better than that.” With a firm nod from me, he holds his hand out to shake mine. “I really hope you mean what you say, cause she’s gonna need someone strong enough to keep her from losing herself when Mom’s time comes.”

I nod; he’s right about everything. I have to prove myself to her first and foremost

“Good luck man, you’re gonna need it with that stubborn woman.”

I chuckle, “Who are you tellin’, man? Trust me, if I’ve learned anything about your sister in the past four years, it’s that she’s gotta be the most bullheaded woman I know.”

“You got that right, but she loves you.” I whip my head up to look at him from where my eyes were focused on the ground at my feet. “Yeah, you heard me; she loves you. My sister is stubborn and independent. And, I could be wrong here, but you just got home from a deployment and instead of going to see your family, you jumped on a plane and flew across the country to make sure my sister was handling this situation regarding our mom alright?” I nod again, unable to deny that that is in fact exactly what happened. “I’m guessing you love her, too.”

Once again, I simply nod my agreement. I do love her; more than I ever thought I would love a woman in my life. I would give anything up to please Jo, to see her smile every morning and to hold her in my arms each night.

“You’re right, man.”

“Then you two need to fix whatever is going on. Anyone can tell the two of you care about each other. Shit, the damn hospice nurse was asking about you yesterday and I thought Jo was going to jump across the damn table to choke the shit out of her for even suggesting someone putting a word in for her!”