Rescuing Rose (57 page)

'What do you
mean'
? Trevor would
never
make nuisance phone calls, ' she exclaimed indignantly.

'Yes, I
know
. But he must have been accidentally biting the memory button sometimes when he went to pick up the phone. '

'Oh… ' she said slowly. 'Oh… Well… '—I heard her voice fade slightly—'looking at it now I suppose he could be doing that, yes… But I wouldn't have known because I just click it straight off. '

'And that's why I've been hearing heavy breathing, ' I said. 'And that's why it was much worse the other day, because he had a cold. But just now I heard all
our
voices on it as well. But how the hell did Trevor manage to conceal the number every time?'

'Because I have 141 pre-programmed in. It makes me feel safer knowing that my number can't be traced. '

'Ah, ' I said, faintly. 'I see. Well, mystery solved, Bev. Thanks. ' As I put down the phone I thought again about the pattern of the calls, which I'd monitored closely, and now, suddenly, it all made sense. Trevor was very sensitive to weeping—I'd seen that myself, tonight—and he only brought Beverley the phone when he knew she was miserable. That's why the calls were so random. And that's why there had been fewer recently, because she'd clearly been happier, because Henry was back. And
that's
why there'd been that odd clicking sound lately. Because Bev used to have carpet in the hall, but she'd just had that parquet put down. Here was yet another amazing revelation to add to all the day's others. I'd discovered I'd been stalked by a dog.

I looked out of the window. The car was pulling up. I picked up my bag and went outside. My heart sank at the thought of having to do a phone-in. I wasn't up to it tonight. We passed a sign for Stockwell and my heart turned over. I imagined Theo in his new flat. The address was seared on my memory—5 (a) Artemis Road—I'd seen it on the estate agents blurb. I imagined him unpacking boxes, and filling cupboards, and sorting stuff out. And I had a sudden fantasy that he'd be listening to the radio while he was doing it, and that he'd have it tuned to London FM. And he'd be so moved by the sound of my voice that he'd feel compelled to call in. And he'd be put through to me and ask me if I'd forgive him for his quite inappropriate frankness, and was I free for dinner tomorrow night? And I'd say, 'Of course I'm free, Theo. I'm going to be free every night. Because I've finally worked out that you're the one. '

I sighed as I saw the illuminated sign for London FM on the corner of City Road. I remembered how the day had started with Jon's letter. I'd ring the hospital first thing. Tonight all I had to do was to concentrate on my phone-in, but I found it terribly hard. I heard my own, slightly bored voice with a kind of detached interest as I took the listeners' calls.

'Yes, I'm sure your mother-in-law is a "vicious old trout, " but calling her one is not exactly going to make relations more cordial is it?… Well, let's face it, the fact that he's taken out a restraining order on you is not a good sign, no… Just clapping your hands over both ears and shouting "I'm not listening, I'm not listening, " is not a good way to resolve conflict with your partner… Yes, I'm afraid that the lack of sex IS going to be an impediment to your getting pregnant… '

Their voices droned away in my headphones like bees; or rather they whined like mosquitoes, and were just as irritating. Why can't they sort out their own bloody problems I thought angrily. I felt like a gigantic ear.

'And on line five, ' said Minty, just back from maternity leave, 'we have Jean from Croydon, whose husband is making unreasonable demands on her. '

'What does he want you to do, Jean?' I asked wearily.

'He wants me to… ' She paused, then coughed with embarrassment. Oh God. It was obviously disgusting. I braced myself for something sick. 'He wants me to wear a wetsuit, ' she said delicately. 'And I kind of don't mind in one way, but I feel a bit silly in it. Do you think I should agree?'

'Well if you're going scuba diving or wind-surfing it's probably an excellent idea, ' I said. 'Otherwise, I don't recommend it. No. '

'And, er, now, ' said Minty, looking at me oddly, 'we have Derek from Luton, whose marriage has just collapsed. Go ahead, Derek. '

'It's awful, ' he said in a nasally voice. 'My wife's just gone off with her blooming tennis instructor. I ask you! He's only twenty-eight, and she's forty-five so I don't know what she sees in him. '

'I haven't the faintest idea either, ' I said. 'But maybe they have great sets. And who's our next caller, Minty?'

'Er, well, it's Margaret from Wimbledon who has a problem with her neighbours, ' Minty replied uncertainly.

'So what's the problem, Margaret?'

'Well, for a start they don't keep their front garden tidy, ' she said censoriously. God I hate women like this. 'But what is
really
annoying me, ' she went on, 'is that when they're in their back garden they keep throwing snails over the fence onto
my
side! What can I do to stop their anti-social behaviour?'

'What can you do? Well I suggest you strike back with a few of your own. The giant African Land Snail would be very good for this purpose, but do be careful, Margaret, as they weigh about ten pounds and you could be done for GBH. ' Minty gave me another odd look, then glanced at the computer screen again.

'Right, ' she said brightly, 'and, er, just time for
one
more question. '

'Hi my name's Natalie, I'm from North Fields. And I want to know whether or not I should tie the knot. My partner wants to, but I'm perfectly happy to continue cohabiting, so I'm wondering what to do. '

'So you want to know whether or not you should marry your partner?'

'Yes. '

'You want me to tell you. '

'Yes, I do. '

I looked down at the e-mail print-outs on the desk. 'Well, ' I said, 'I can't. '

'What do you mean?'

'I mean, I don't know. '

'What do you mean, you don't know?'

'I mean exactly that. I don't know. If
you
don't know how the hell should
I
know?'

'Because you're an agony aunt. I thought you'd be able to advise me. '

'I'm sorry, Natalie, but I
can't
. You marry him if you want to; and if you don't want to, don't. But it's
your
life.
You
decide. '

'But I need you to help me make that decision. That's why I'm asking you. '

'Well don't ask me. I haven't a clue. '

'Can't you help me then?'

'No, I can't. My life's a complete shambles at the moment, so why should I be able to help anyone else?'

'But that's why we ring in, ' said Natalie. 'To ask you. That's what it says on your column. "Ask Rose". '

'Well don't Ask Rose, ' I said. 'Don't Ask Rose anything any more, because quite frankly, Rose doesn't want to know. '

Minty's eyes were like satellite dishes. And now, all of a sudden, it came back to me in huge pink, flashing neon letters. What Katie Bridge had said.
We're only agony aunts because we're trying to heal some damaged part of ourselves
. It was true, I now saw. It was true.

'Today, I was accused of being an agony aunt for the wrong reason, ' I said quietly. 'Not out of altruism—but out of egotism. I was very indignant about this. But actually, as I sit here now, this evening, feeling not the slightest interest in any of your problems, and in fact wondering why you don't just take responsibility for your own lives, and make your own decisions, I realise that it's quite true. I'm an agony aunt because I've enjoyed feeling needed—that's probably why I'm not really that good. I thought I
was
good, ' I went on wearily. 'In fact I thought I was a brilliant agony aunt. I thought I had such intuition and insight—that I was so skilled at reading between the lines. But the truth is, I'm not that good at it, because today I've discovered just how many big things I've missed. In fact, if I'm really being honest, when it comes down to it, I'd say I'm pretty second-rate. '

'Er, I think you're being very hard on yourself, Rose, ' said Minty, her face flushing.

'No, I don't think I am. I wanted to help people—and I thought I could. I even fancied that I was rescuing them from their problems'—I suddenly thought of Theo—'but the one who really needed rescuing was me. ' I looked at the e-mail print outs in my hand, then slowly ripped them in half. 'I've had it with agony, ' I said. 'I've really had it. I don't want to be in agony any more. '

'Well, that, er, brings us to the end of the programme, ' said Minty brightly. 'So thanks to everyone who's called in. And do join us again next time for
Sound Advice
with Rose Costelloe of the
Daily Post
!

'No, ' I said. 'Don't join me, because I'm sorry everyone, I won't be here. ' I slowly turned and looked through the glass partition at Wesley who was gawping at me like a stunned cod.

'What the hell are you thinking of?' he demanded as I pushed on the heavy studio door.

'I'm really sorry, Wesley, ' I croaked. 'I know that was unprofessional of me. '

'Yes! It was!'

'But you see I'm under so much pressure at the moment. I've got so many problems—I just can't cope. ' I dropped the ripped-up e-mails into the bin. 'I've had it, Wesley. I just can't do it any more. '

'But you can't leave us in the lurch like this. I mean who the hell am I going to get instead of you at such short notice?' Who? Well, it was obvious.

'Beverley McDonald. She's a natural, ' I said.

I don't sleep well at the moment, but then I've got a lot on my mind. I lie there, staring into the dark, aware of the comfortless silence of the house and the slow tick-tock of my clock. If the World Service hasn't sent me off by two, I count stars—it's better than sheep. I picture the constellations—thanks to Theo's book I know lots of them now—then tick them off. Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, Cassiopaeia, Capricorn… Cygnus, Aries, Lynx… Aquarius, Perseus, Pisces, Pegasus… the Pleiades, Sagittarius, Grus—only another ninety-nine point nine, nine, nine billion or so to go I tell myself; then I list the brightest ones. Sirius, Canopus, Vega, Aldebaran… Capella, Polaris, Crux… Bagel, Betelguese, Alpha Centauri… then I go through the galaxies and their type. I start with the Milky Way (spiral), Andromeda 1 (elliptical), Small Magellanic Cloud (irregular), Large Magellanic Cloud (irregular spiral), NGC 6822 (irregular), M33 (spiral). And if I get stuck on those I list all the famous comets—Halley's, Hale-Bopp, Shoemaker-Levy, Temple-Tuttel, Ikeya-Seki, Comet Schwasmann-Wachmann—then I list Jupiter's moons. Io, Europa, Calypso, Ganymede…

Adrastea, Metis, Thebe… Himalia, Elara, Lysithea, Leda… Ananke and Pasiphae. If I'm still conscious, I run through Saturn's moons too, but I'm usually out by then.

Heavenly Bodies
has done very well. It's at number five in the non-fiction top ten and is apparently selling two thousand a week. I'd like to congratulate Theo, but I haven't heard from him and I can't bring myself to get in touch. And I know what you're thinking, but I just can't help it—I'm afraid it's the way I am. If I feel that someone's hurt me I retreat into my shell, like a snail drawing inward. Then I mentally lock the door.