Rescuing Rose (50 page)

'Well, okay, then, I'll think about it. ' He reached for my hand. 'I'm just so glad you're here, Rose. I think I had a lucky break, falling off that ladder, because it brought you back home. ' Home? 'Are you glad you're here, Rose?' He stroked my fingers. 'Are you?'

'Of course, ' I heard myself say.

The next day I left food in the fridge for Ed and went into the office as Beverley was off sick. She's got the flu poor girl. I wearily trawled through letters about difficult in-laws, bedwetting, gambling, jealousy, teenagers, head lice and drink. The monotony of it was broken only by several text messages from Ed— he's really into it. WCAMCS? I read just before lunch. What the hell was that? I looked it up in Serena's dictionary:
Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir
?. UDoIt4Me popped up half an hour later. No translation needed there. TDTU appeared at three-thirty—Totally Devoted To You: and at four, CW2CU.

'Can't wait to see you too, ' I said as the letters scrolled lazily across the screen.

Then at six I went back to Hope Street to feed Rudy and to pick up my post. As I opened the front door I saw the answerphone winking away: on it was thirty seconds of uninterrupted stertorous breathing, this time with an odd clicking sound. I rang the telephone company again to talk to them about barring the calls but as usual I couldn't get through; and I wasn't prepared to listen to
Fur Elise
for forty-five minutes so I hung up and read my post. There was a card from Henry, still in the Gulf, and a reminder about the new kick-boxing class. I looked at the flyer.
Come and kick ass with Stormin' Norman's Advanced Tae-Bo class
: I decided I couldn't be fagged. I went into the kitchen to feed Rudy and saw Theo's mail on the table in a small pile. On the top was a letter, open and unfolded, from an estate agent, Liddle and Co. It said that his offer on the flat had been accepted, 'subject to contract'. Oh
shit! As the vendors are moving abroad they would like to exchange as quickly as possible and have therefore requested a ten day exchange
. A ten day exchange? Ten days? It normally takes at least ten
weeks
.

'I don't want him to go, ' I muttered as I cradled my cup of tea. 'Theo's lovely. I want him to stay. ' I glanced at the notice-board—there was the invitation to his book launch at the Royal Astronomical Society the following Wednesday. I stared at his name. Theo Sheen… then suddenly I heard the trill of my mobile phone—it was Ed. He sounded excited and happy and wanted to know when I was coming back. So I cleaned Rudy's cage, fed and watered him, then drove back to Blenheim Road. As I dawdled at a red light I remembered how irritated I'd felt when Theo had moved in, and how I'd wanted to be with Ed. And now I was rather irritated at the idea of moving in with Ed, and wanted to be with Theo.

'I'm such a
mess'
, I muttered dismally as the lights changed to green. 'I should write to an agony aunt. ' How would I sign it—'Confused of Camberwell'?

I parked the car in my usual place, and was just rummaging in the detritus of my handbag for the keys when the door opened.

'Rose, ' said Ed. 'Come here. ' He folded me to him with his left arm, kicked the door shut, then kissed me. 'It's so nice to see you again, ' he murmured into my hair.

'You only saw me this morning, ' I laughed.

'I know, but I've really missed you. And there's something I want to say. I couldn't wait to tell you. '

'Tell me what?'

'Well, I've spent all today thinking about what you said and—' He smiled, one of his heartbreaking smiles. 'The answer is "yes". I think we should have a baby. ' I stared at him.

'You
do
?'

'I've been turning it over in my mind all day. And if that's the price for staying with you, then I'm more than happy to pay. '

'Do you really
want
a baby though, Ed?'

'Yes, I do. If you do. '

'But you must want it for yourself, not just for me. '

'I want it for
us
,' he said. 'Does that convince you?' I nodded, slowly. 'So come on, then. ' He grabbed my hand. 'We might as well make a start. '

'Ed, ' I said, as I followed him upstairs, 'I don't want you to get me pregnant just to keep me with you. '

'I'm not. I want to get you pregnant to make you happy, and to make me happy. ' He kissed me again. We went into his bedroom, and he drew the curtains with his left hand. I remembered how desolate I'd felt when I'd seen him draw them last November: it was as though he was shutting me out. But now here we were again, and I was inside, helping him to undress.

He winced as I removed his shirt, carefully pulling it off his right shoulder. Then I undid his trousers, and he pushed them down and stepped out of them and kicked off his shoes. And now I pulled my cotton jumper over my head and wriggled out of my skirt. He kissed me, then we lay down on the bed, and he guided my hand downwards, and his breathing began to increase. Then he kissed me again, and tried to slide on top of me, and I felt the fibreglass cast scrape my skin. Suddenly his face contracted with pleasure. No, not pleasure.

'Oh fuck! My
arm
,' he breathed. 'Ooohhh!' He winced, red-faced with discomfort as he redistributed his weight. 'Bloody hell!' he reiterated, closing his eyes and drawing his breath through his clenched teeth.

'Well, Ed, maybe we shouldn't, you know, do it, until you're better. '

'No, honestly. I'll be fine. Right, where were we? Let's try again. ' We shifted again, our legs tangled, and he gingerly turned onto his back, and tried to pull me on top, but suddenly his face creased again.

'Ed, what's the matter?' I put my hand on his chest.

'It's my ribs. Ow, don't touch them—it's agony—I can't breathe!'

'Look, let's not push it, ' I said. 'You've got three broken bones. Why don't we just cuddle instead. '

He nodded, defeated, and pulled me to him. 'Okay, but it's frustrating, isn't it?'

'Hmm. ' Although the truth was I felt strangely relieved. We lay there like that for half an hour, my hand on his chest, half-waking, half-sleeping; and for some strange reason I found myself wondering what it would be like to lie in bed with Theo like this, face to face, our limbs pleached and plaited, like rope. I remembered the pattern of pale freckles, like faint galaxies, which spangled Theo's back. I remembered his slim, muscled torso, and his broad shoulders, and his sinewy hands and feet; I remembered his strong, muscular calves and I— What was I
thinking
! This was mad. This is mad, Rose, I told myself angrily. This is just crazy. Get real. You're only fantasizing about Theo because he's leaving, but the fact is your life's changing too. You want to have a baby; Ed's happy for you to have one so you're going to come back to him and that's
that
!

And now I summoned up all kinds of cliches with which to justify my return to Ed. I felt like Serena as I mentally groped for some comforting maxim. 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush'. 'You don't look a gift horse in the mouth'. 'You have to take the rough with the smooth'. '
Carpe Diem
. Suddenly the phone on Ed's bedside rang.

'Yes? Oh hi, Ruth. ' It was his sister. 'Yes, getting better, slowly, thanks. ' I noticed the upward inflection of her voice; she was asking him something. 'Hmm, she did, ' he said. 'Look it's not very convenient right now, Ruth. Yes I know, I know. I know
all
that, ' he added, irritably. In the background I could hear Ruth's voice rising. 'But I just can't do it. No. Because I can't. Look, I've just come out of hospital and I'm not going—yes, yes, yes—I
know
. Well he should have thought of that six years ago, shouldn't he? Look, I can't talk any more. ' He put the phone down, then stared at the ceiling, his jaw flexing. I saw a small blue vein pulsing by his eye.

'Do you want to tell me about that?' I asked him quietly, as I studied his profile.

'No, 'he replied. 'I don't. '

'Is it Jon again?' I asked. He nodded. 'What's the problem?'

'The whole family are… getting at me. Putting me under terrible pressure. As though I haven't done enough for him in the past. '

'So he wants more money?'

'What? Hmm. Anyway, let's change the subject, ' he said, wrapping his left arm round me. 'What shall we talk about?'

'I don't know. '

'I do, ' he said turning to me and smiling. 'Let's discuss babies' names. '

'What a week, ' wrote Trevor in his column on Monday:

The brouhaha over Dogs of Distinction has finally died down but I've been dog-tired because a) we've had the hall carpet replaced with some rather tasty parquet so I had a lot of clearing up to do after that—and b) our Bev's not been well. She's had the flu. Yeah—in May. I ask you! But she was completely poleaxed, poor kid. So yours truly has been in assistance overdrive what with all the to-ing and fro-ing to the chemists, collecting prescriptions—and no time to see my mates. Then there's been all the running up and down stairs with paracetamol, boxes of tissues, Lemsips and the rest. Plus bringing her the letters—being careful not to slobber on them—and the phone—and the paper which she was too weak to read. Luckily her mum came for a bit which gave me a chance to catch up on the chores, do the laundry, a bit of gardening—that kind of thing. But Bev's desperate to get better in time for our friend Theo's book launch later this week. He's written this brilliant astronomy guide called
Heavenly Bodies
, fully illustrated, and priced at a very reasonable ten quid. And then—thank Dog!—Bev's Beloved rang to say he's back in town in for a month so that's cheered the poor girl up. As I say, she's been a bit up and down with that one, what with not quite knowing how keen he was, and then him being away so much. But he's been round to ours for dinner a couple of times, and I must say he seems to be a nice enough bloke: house-trained and everything, bright eyes, glossy coat, and she's dead keen, so I've got my paws crossed…

'It was very nice of you to plug Theo's book, Trevor, ' I said to him as Beverley and I made our way to Piccadilly for the book launch three days later. We'd been frantic at work— it was Bev's first day back—so there'd been no time to chat.

But now, as we sped up St James's in the back of the cab, we relaxed.

'Well Trevor adores Theo, 'Beverley remarked. 'He'd do anything to help him. Ooh, dog hairs, Rose. On your sleeve, sorry about that. '

'Really? I couldn't care less. ' As I looked at Trev I suddenly understood why, despite my former aversion to dogs, I liked this one so much. It was because I recognised that we had a great deal in common, Trevor and I.

'It's awful to think of Trevor being dumped on the motorway, like that, ' I said. 'Poor little thing. '

'I know, ' Beverley sighed. 'He was only a baby. He was very lucky to survive. '

'Hmm. '

'I think it's had a big psychological effect on him, ' she went on. 'I'm sure that that's why he chose a caring profession. He needs to feel needed. '

'Really?'

'Don't you think so?'

'I… don't know. All I know is that Ed could do with a dog like you to help him, Trevor, ' I remarked as I stroked his ears.

'How is Ed?' Beverley asked. 'I've been meaning to ask you, but we've had no time to chat today. Is his arm healing?'

'Yes it is, thanks. He's going back to work on Monday—he'll have been off for two weeks. It hasn't been easy, ' I sighed.

'Theo said you've been spending a lot of time over there. ' I shrugged, then nodded. 'So is it going well then?'

'No, not really. In fact he's moving out. I wish he wasn't, ' I added dismally. Beverley gave me one of her old fashioned looks.

'I meant Ed, Rose, not Theo. I was talking about
Ed'

'Oh. Oh… of course. '

'Is it going well?' she repeated as I looked out of the window.

'I suppose so, yes. In some ways. '

'I do hope I won't be losing you as a neighbour, ' she said quietly.

'I don't know, Bev. Maybe… '

'Are you going to move back in with him then?'

'Well, no. Or at least, not yet, I… ' Suddenly, as we turned right into Piccadilly I saw a woman pushing a buggy. She looked radiantly, unassailably happy. 'But then on the other hand, ' I said, 'yes. Yes it's quite possible that I'll go back to Ed. I'm just trying to… work it all out. To be honest, I'm rather confused, Bev, ' I went on after a few moments. 'You know I asked you about Mary-Claire Grey, and why she left Ed?' She nodded. 'Well, I've decided I don't want to know. '

'That's okay, ' she replied. 'I guessed you didn't, as you haven't mentioned it again. '

'I just feel it's all in the past. '

She looked at me and nodded. 'Sure. '

'And in any case she would probably have been rude about him, so I wouldn't really want to hear. '

'Of course. In any case, ' said Bev as she fiddled with Trevor's lead, 'I've… forgotten the reason, whatever it was. So everything's changing then?' she added brightly. This wasn't so much a question as an observation. Into my mind flashed Theo's room, which would soon be empty.

'Yes. Everything's changing, ' I said.

The cab pulled up in the entrance of the Royal Academy, the driver dropped the ramp, and I pushed Beverley through the cobbled courtyard of Burlington House. In front of us was the RA, and to our left we saw 'R. Astronomical Soc' emblazoned in chiselled gold lettering over a door.

'This is very venerable, ' Beverley observed. I pushed her wheelchair up the ramp, and we went in through the glass doors into a Wedgwood blue pilastered hallway, with a black and white marble tiled floor. We followed the crowd through into the Fellows' Room on our right. It was oak-panelled with gleaming oil paintings of eminent astronomers and was already quite full. On the right was a glass cabinet with some antique telescopes and, on the left, a table with copies of the book. It was the first time I'd seen it as it had been published so fast.

Beverley and I both bought one then we made our way through the mostly male throng.

'—my new Takahashi's got very nice adaptive optics. '