Remix (24 page)

The thought process is so alarmingly familiar that it knocks the breath out of me.

I don’t want Wexler to be Stu – that’s kind of the point
.

But it didn’t make me feel better, and looking at Lee, I’m not sure it worked out for him either.

“But in
Owen’s van
? What were you thinking?”

Lee shrugs. “I have spare keys. Thought it’d be better than bringing him back to Owen’s tent.”

I give him Ultimate Disapproval Face.

And then, as if it has only just occurred to him, his brows pull together and he tilts his face to look at me closely.

“What were
you
doing there?”

Camp is deserted but for a lone figure standing, hands in pockets, waiting for someone who isn’t me.

“What are you doing here?” I say.

Stu turns at the sound of my voice. He looks exhausted and he hasn’t shaved since Friday – although the way he smells I guess he’s washed. Stu always smells good. Pheromones from his sex overdrive, presumably.

“I’m looking for Ruby. Do you know where she is?”

“Why, so you can just keep hurting her?”

Stu looks confused. “What do you mean?”

“That I don’t want you anywhere near her.”

“Seriously, we’re still doing that? You telling me what Ruby wants when you’re the one who hurts her the most?”

“Me?”
I can’t even believe he’s saying it. “You
cheated
on her.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Stu snaps his head back and stares at the sky, before glaring at me. “Will you let it go?

“How can I? You CHEATED on her!” How loud do I have to say it for him to hear?

“I made a mistake. One that
you
” – he points not just with his finger, but his eyes, his voice, his whole being – “won’t let me forget.”

“Because you were going to carry on as if nothing happened!”

Like Tom is doing with Lauren
. But Stu is not Tom. Stu would have done it again…

“What if I
had
carried on as if nothing happened? What. Fucking. If? Did you ever, for a second, allow for the tiniest possibility that I made her happy? That for all you think I’m a toxic landfill of a human being, I didn’t love her?”

“You’d a funny way of showing it,” I say quietly.

“You think being in love is the same as being perfect, do you?” For the first time I see something more than a caricature of a slutty sex god, I see someone who feels pain and hope. And regret. “Do you really believe that love makes you a better person?”
God knows it has made me worse
. “Well, it doesn’t work like that. It makes me want to try, but that’s the best I can do – and you won’t even let me have that.”

But he hasn’t been here to see the mess he’s made of my friend this weekend, the shell of the Ruby
I
love who walked into camp this morning.

“The only way you know how to try is to hurt her, Stu.” My voice is quiet, but clear. He does not need to take a step closer to hear it, but he does anyway.

“You think I did so much damage when I slept with another girl, but even Ruby knows my heart wasn’t in it. You talk about cheating like it’s the worst thing that could happen. But you and Lauren? That’s betrayal on a level I couldn’t hope to achieve…”

“Don’t say that.” I don’t want to hear this. Not at all. “It’s not true.”

“You mean more to Ruby than I ever could. Where were you last night, Kaz, when Ruby needed you? With Lauren? And
why
? Just because you feel so guilty that you’ve been fucking Lauren’s boyfriend?”

Stu’s almost shouting, but my voice comes out as a horrified whisper. “What? I didn’t…”

“Come off it!” Stu laughs at me, a short sharp bark. “You can fool Ruby. You can fool Lauren. But you can’t fool the guy who saw you leave Tom’s tent, your bra in your hand and tears down your face.” Ice-cold dread floods through me as I picture bumping into Stella. I’d been so keen on running away I hadn’t taken the time to notice who she was with. “Because you found out that Saint Thomas of Selkirk’s as much of a dog as me. That he’d do you the same time he’s banging someone else.”

“I didn’t know about Lauren,” I whisper, not sure who I’m trying to convince.

“You didn’t want to.” Stu looks at me like he’s always had the truth of it. “Tell me, Kaz, are you going to do for your new BFF what you did for your old one? You going to give Tom the same ultimatum you gave me?” It’s as if he’s shining a light into the deepest darkest places where the guilt, the hypocrisy is cosseted in the bubble wrap of self-righteousness. But Stu isn’t finished unpacking me. “Guess it’s harder this time. Tom didn’t cheat with some stranger, a girl she’ll never have to meet, a girl who
meant nothing
– you’re going to have to tell Lauren that her boyfriend had sex with
you
.”

In that one, two, heartbeats, there is no sound, there is nothing outside of my world except those words.

And then…

A half-sob.

Life is happening in slow motion. I turn so slowly that she’s already turned to run from what she’s heard.

Not Ruby: Lauren.

Lee and I are nearly back at camp. He knows I lied when I said I went to Owen’s van because I needed some space away from Kaz and Lauren, but he didn’t push it.

“Speak of the devil.” Lee points at someone running through the tents, stumbling over the guy ropes. The sound of her sobs reaches us, and we glance at each other, confused. I’m about to tell him to go after her, when we see Kaz hurrying down the path towards us. “Sorry, excuse me please… Oh, just… OUT OF THE WAY!” she shouts at a group of boys who are having a piggy-back fight.

“Kaz!” I catch her arm. “What’s going on? Is everything OK?”

“I’m so sorry, Ruby. I’ve got to find Lauren.” She looks frantic and I let go of her arm. Lee points in the direction Lauren went and Kaz rushes on a few steps before spinning back. “Your phone, take it, take it…”

I take it.

“I’ll call you as soon as I’ve fixed things. I’ll meet you in the arena.” She closes the distance between us and gives me a hug. “I’m sorry. Stu’s looking for you. Don’t let him get to you.”

“OK…” I pat her back, wondering why I’m getting such a desperate hug.

“I love you, Ruby.”

“Um…”

“You know that, right?” She pulls back from the hug to look at me so intently it’s quite scary.

“Kaz, are you
dying
?”

“No. Just making a mess of absolutely everything.” And then she’s off again.

Where’s she gone? The crowd is so much larger today and I despair of finding her. I feel like such a bad human being on so many levels that I almost give up there and then. Until…

There
. And even though I’d rather be running in the other direction I plunge forward.

Lauren’s stalled by the crowds at the gate, but the queue is knotted too tightly for me to get through. I call Tom.

“Lauren knows!” I say by way of greeting.

“She—” There’s a beep on his phone and a pause as he checks the message. “Oh. I just got a text…” – which I assume he’s reading – “What the
hell
, Kaz? I thought we agreed—”

“
I
didn’t tell her!” I’m angry. “She heard Stu shout that you slept with me when you were supposed to be sleeping with her.”

There’s a (presumably) stunned silence on the other end of the phone, during which time I manage to process the meaning behind what I’ve just said, the question I hadn’t meant to ask – the answer Tom is not giving.

It’s the last, undeniable piece of the puzzle: the condoms in his bag; the girlfriend sharing his tent; the way Lauren talked… And yet I talked myself out of all of those things because I still wanted to believe in a Tom that didn’t exist.

I’m
so
stupid.

“… are you now?” Oh. Tom is talking.

And I’m angry.

“In the arena. I’m going to find Lauren,” I say.

No,
furious
.

“KAZ, DON’T—”

Make that apoplectic.

“Sod off, Tom. It’s not like you’re capable of making it better, either.” And I hang up for good.

I’m never answering one of his calls again.

Stu is at our camp. I honestly have no idea what has gone down, but he does not look happy.

God, I love him.

No, that’s not right.

Lee’s ahead of me, barging towards my ex-boyfriend. “What are you doing here?”

“What do you think I’m doing here? Looking for Ruby.” Stu tries to look round my brother, but Lee leans to block his view.

“Well, she’s not here.”

“She’s
right there
, you twat, I can see her with my eyes.”

“What are you doing, Lee?” I elbow him out of the way. “Hello, Stu.”

He reaches out to touch my arm, but Lee bats his hand away.

“Get off my sister!”

“What?!” I’m not sure who’s more outraged, me or Stu.

“I’m looking out for you, Ruby.”

“For fuck’s—” Stu makes a frustrated growling noise in his throat. “What’s with the ‘Must Protect Ruby’ mandate? First Kaz, now you.”

“What happened with Kaz?” I ask, trying to change the subject.

Stu actually looks a little guilty. “I don’t want to fuck it up any further than I already have. This is something you need to talk to Kaz about.”

Which is all very mysterious. And annoying. I don’t like people not telling me things.

Hypocrite Klaxon!

“Stop changing the subject.” Lee is talking. “You’ve been screwing with Ruby all weekend.”

“And you’re going to stop me.” Stu rolls his eyes. “Seriously, Lee. I mean,
seriously
.” He steps a little closer, crossing his arms to make his biceps look bigger. Next to my brother he doesn’t really need to. I’ve got bigger biceps than him and I look like a starved chicken. Well, a mutant chicken who has biceps.

“You dare lay another finger on her…” Lee is actually squaring up to him and I can’t help it.

Laughter explodes from me so hard that I feel like all the misery, all the regret, all the energy from the crowds, the music,
everything
is spilling out of me. I’m bending over double, my stomach killing me, and I’m aware that my brother and the boy I’m not supposed to love are staring at me like I’ve lost my mind.

Maybe I kinda have.

It seems as if the sun is sitting on top of the clouds as they bulge lower under the weight of it, pressing down on the air. Sweat prickles lightly on my top lip as I step out into the arena, despairing at the crowds in here, doubting that I’ll find her. I’ve tried ringing, but she’s turned her phone off.

Poor Lauren. I don’t know how I would react if I were in her position.

Tom didn’t cheat with some stranger, a girl she’ll never have to meet, a girl who
meant nothing
– you’re going to have to tell Lauren that her boyfriend had sex with
you.

I don’t want to apologize to Lauren (well, I do, but I know it will mean almost nothing). I don’t even know what I want to say to her. I just know I have to find her.

I’m wandering aimlessly through the crowds when I catch sight of a red vest in the crowd ahead. Slowly, I walk down from the brow of the hill to where Lauren is sitting, alone on the grass.

She’s been crying. Who wouldn’t have?

“Hello, Kaz.” She doesn’t sound angry. Nor does she look up.

I sit, knees pulled up to my chin, skirt over my legs so that I can just feel the hem brushing my bare toes. There’s a long, depressing silence, as if I can’t read the score I’m supposed to be playing from. Best improvise.

“I’m sorry you found out like that.”

“I’m sorry there was something for me to find out about,” she says, still not looking at me.

“I’m so sorry…”

But Lauren isn’t listening. “I knew this was coming. I just thought I could stop it. If you and I became friends… I didn’t know it was already too late.”

I close my eyes against the bright grey of the sky and think how
furious
I am with Tom. If I had met Lauren – if I’d even known she existed – all this could have been prevented. “I didn’t know he was seeing someone else.”

Lauren shakes her head and laughs without mirth. “Neither did his parents until Tom invited me round for one of their barbecues. You should have seen the look on their faces… And all the relatives asked where you were, not by your title, but by your name.
Where’s Kaz? Aren’t the two of you still friendly? Such a lovely girl
. I don’t think they were trying to be rude or anything. They just missed you. And then, I think, Tom did too. I’d catch him looking at photos on his phone or listening to Carpenters songs on repeat.”

This makes me incredibly sad. That’s exactly what I had been doing.

“But Tom’s the kind of boyfriend I’ve always wanted. Apart from the being in love with his ex-girlfriend thing. I thought I could change his mind. Show him what we had was something worth having.” She finally looks at me and my whole body becomes an echo chamber of guilt. “Guess I wasn’t worth that much to him after all.”

It’s so difficult to look at her when I say, “If I’d known…”

“Did you ask him?” And I move my head ever so slightly from side to side. “Perhaps you should have done.”

When Lauren looks away, I’m relieved. Eye contact is hard. A tear drips from her cheek onto her vest, blooming a deeper red as if she’s been cut.

“I feel like such a fool,” she says.

“You’re not. You haven’t been.” I’m on the verge of tears too, even though I don’t deserve to be sad. “I’m so sorry. God. I can’t say it enough.”

Lauren laughs, a tired, humourless “Huh!” then, “No. You really can’t.”

And when she looks at me, I force myself to face the consequences of what I’ve done. “I really like you, Lauren.” Because there is nothing else left to say.

“I really liked you too.”

We sit there for a moment, both looking anywhere but at each other, neither sure what comes next, when I feel Lauren tense beside me.

“Kaz…” One hand is rising up to her mouth in surprise, but the other is pointing at the Festblog screen. “Is that
Ruby
?”