Regine's Book (28 page)

—
Rebella

This is the best thing I've read in a long time—and I hope you'll continue to defy this horrible cancer!! I'm so proud of you—keep it up! ☺

—
Greetings and hugs from a grandmother in Nordmore

Good evening. I'm a woman with a son who's almost seven and a fifteen-month-old daughter. My partner is in school and (as a result) only home on the weekends. My days are often stressful and exhausting. I first heard about you and your blog in April, but as soon as I started following your story, I was deeply moved by all you had to say. I've only written one comment, but it was probably from around the time that I started following you. I'm also fighting a daily battle as a recovering drug addict. Following your blog gives me something. It's simple: Your words help me to value life and try to get something positive out of each day. It's not always easy to be happy about your lot in life, but if you look hard enough you'll always find something…Most importantly: Face your fear. Accept your war. It is what it is…

What you managed to do today—taking this walk—was a victory in and of itself!! I admire you so much—you're a very special person!

—
Warm greetings from Linda

GOD BLESS YOU, REGINE! Now I'm crying for you—with tears of joy. That you managed to dress up and take that kind of a walk says something about what you're made of. This mental strength of yours is what will get you through this. (And maybe some more short walks will help build up your appetite, too.) But be careful not to wear yourself out—you probably need a lot of rest now. I—along with thousands of other people out here—wish you the very best in the days ahead,
and I pray that you get the strength you need to get through the hard parts as well.

—
Little old lady

Regine, you should ALWAYS be proud of yourself. Do you know why? Because you're Regine—and you'll never be anything less. And that's a lot, isn't it! ☺

You're an inspiration!

—
Big hug from Linn Inger

You go, girl! If it's any consolation, you're probably in better shape than I am. I get worn out just from walking up the stairs. Haha. No kidding.

No, really—I'm proud of you! Besides, you're the prettiest girl in the world. ☺ I totally agree with Linn Inger above: You should be proud because you're Regine, and no one else.

You're the coolest person in all of Norway!

—
Sofsen

Read Linda's comment. You're a phenomenal inspiration for so many people. Running a marathon is peanuts compared to you just getting off the sofa and hiking around the neighborhood.

I hope that people understand what kind of strength and courage you actually have.

Good luck getting further up that hill.

—
GSC

Really great to read about this experience. You should definitely be proud of yourself! I'm proud of you! Truly a medal-worthy performance!

—
Espen

Hi! My heart aches for you, Regine. You're so young and you deserve the chance to enjoy your life. I really don't know how to express the way I feel about you and your situation. I'm a mother of three from Varmland in Sweden who's followed you for a long time, and although it's a thoroughly depressing situation that you're in, I don't feel sad after reading your blog; instead, I feel inspired. You should be proud of yourself, Regine. You're a real giant.

—
Hug from Maj-Liss

Yes! I also take walks in the neighborhood…I suffer from arthritis and have to move around every single day, no matter how painful it is. ☹ A short daily walk with my cat makes a big difference for me, but it's not easy. (I'm pretty lazy by nature, so it's doubly hard, haha.) Even a short little walk can make a world of difference …

My dad had the same disease as you, and he was frequently feverish. On the other hand, he also had periods when he was just fine. He lost his taste for food when he felt the worst though. Have you lost your appetite, too?

I have to add that my dad didn't wind up dying from leukemia. The treatment worked for him, but then he suddenly had a heart attack—and that was that.

I'm wondering if you have the latest Dan Brown book? I have it on tape and can put a copy in the mail for you, if you like ☺…so that you can listen to it when you want to. It's in English though, but that probably isn't an issue for an eighteen-year-old. (The original language version rocks.)

Feel better soon. You're really impressive. I'm crossing my fingers for you.

—
Knut, a neighbor (sort of)

Friday, September 25, 2009

I
took photos today. For the first time in forever. The fall weather isn't great, but I went outside anyway.

It felt good to feel the wind on my face. The air was refreshing, and it seemed like it gave new life to my thoughts.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I
t's raining outside and I'm all by myself, but feeling just fine. The house is empty, and that doesn't happen very often. I've always loved being by myself—always appreciated the chance to just sit down and watch a good, thought-provoking movie (or do something else like that). My privacy flew out the window when I got cancer. Suddenly everyone needed to know everything about everything. All the strangers in lab coats. When I was at the hospital, they never left me alone. They were in and out of my room all day. They dropped in even if they didn't need to. Being at home isn't the same as it used to be either. I used to be home alone more often. But that almost never happens anymore. Today I am though, at least for a few hours.

Later I'm going to watch
Roswell
. It's good entertainment. I'm thinking about starting the third Stieg Larsson book, too. Either way though, I'm going to see
The Girl Who Played with Fire
tomorrow, and I'm really looking forward to it.

Josefine attacked my foot in bed last night and I got a cut on my heel. Bad kitty.

Friday, October 2, 2009

T
he last few days have been super erratic, if that makes any sense. One day I feel fine, but the next day I wind up with terrible pains and a fever. The blood tests weren't very encouraging earlier this week, and that made me even more anxious. I've been thinking the worst, but my thoughts haven't been too negative today. Everything changes so fast from one day to the next. It would be much easier if things didn't always change so much. But every day there are different answers and new questions. Maybe it's just me who gets hung up on this stuff. I don't know. I'm still hoping the trip to Trondheim next week will be nice, in spite of all my pain and discomfort.

By the way,
The Girl Who Played with Fire
was amazing. The book was better of course, but it's always like that. Thanks for the tickets, Caroline Movie Theaters!

I'm having a hard time answering all your emails lately. I get so many! But you'll get answers eventually.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I
'm really looking forward to the Trondheim trip! I just hope I'll be in good enough shape to do everything I want to do. As I mentioned earlier, things are up and down these days. I still get fevers, and the pain is always there, but I'm hoping it'll get better next week. I'm wondering when I'll need to start the next cycle. The doctor's going to look at a blood smear tomorrow, and he'll make a decision after that. Hopefully I won't need to do it next week. That would be disappointing (not to mention boring). But if I have to, that's the way it is. My health comes first.

I don't know what to pack exactly. Painkillers and warm clothes, definitely. One of the concerts I'm going to will be outside. I'm a little worried about that performance, since it's insanely cold in Trondheim right now. On Thursday we're seeing the Eagles of Death Metal, and on Friday we get to see Franz Ferdinand. Really looking forward to it! When I get back, I'm also going to see Gåte.

It'll be good to get away for a while. I need this trip. I'm going to try to go shopping, go to cafes, and enjoy myself as much as possible.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

E
li and I are sitting in the Trondheim apartment, right in front of the TV. So far the trip has gone really well. It started out kind of rough yesterday, when I woke up with a fever of almost 104! I was worried that all of our plans would go down the drain, but luckily I'm in better shape today. I went to the hospital and it doesn't look like we'll be able to start the cycle this week. I'm trying not to think too much about the blood test results or anything else like that. I don't want to worry, so basically I decided that I didn't want to know the white blood cell count. The ultrasounds they took of my stomach were fine at least. I've been struggling with stomach pains for over a month now, but they gave me some antacids and I think they're helping. Finally.

After going to the hospital, Eli and I went shopping in town. I managed to spend way too much money at the first store. But I don't shop that often, so I guess I have an excuse. They had so much cute stuff. Eli bought a badass leather jacket that I was a little bit jealous of. ☺ Since I get tired so fast, we didn't shop for long, and after about an hour we went back to the apartment. By the way, the apartment is actually pretty nice! It's so great that the Cancer Society for Children has this kind of setup. I think it's important to have a place like this.

Later in the evening, it was time to eat. We went to Jonathan's Food & Wine Cellar, under the Britannia hotel. The food was incredible. It's expensive, but it's worth it! I really recommend it: awesome service, nice people, and such delicious food. What else can you ask for?

We're going to watch a movie now, and just relax and enjoy ourselves. I hope you all are doing well, too!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

T
hings haven't exactly turned out as planned. Today I got some really bad news. I went to the hospital for blood tests and the results were catastrophic. They confirmed that the Vidaza isn't working anymore. The aggressive cells have come back and I probably have one foot in the grave. They want to start me on a low-dose chemo cycle, but it's only helped one person get into remission before me. Most likely it will let me live on for a little longer than I otherwise would. I asked the doctor how long I could live while taking these pills. They told me anywhere from several weeks to several months. But they also said it was important to remember that there was still a tiny chance. I take that to mean there's no chance at all.

I've been crying nonstop since one o'clock today. My face is totally swollen. My eyes are sore. This wasn't supposed to happen. The last time I met with the doctors we discussed the future, and talked about when I could start taking classes again—and now all of a sudden, it looks like I'm going to die. Things changed so fast, and I don't understand anything. This is the worst thing I've ever experienced. Going through something like this is just absolutely brutal. No one deserves this.