Redemption (20 page)

“I didn’t think last night, Cass, not for a second. I was dancing with Miranda, completely pissed off at her for thinking she even had a
right
to be near me after what she did, and when she started talking to me about you, I didn’t think. All I wanted to do was get away from her, find you, and lose myself in you. I didn’t care about anything else, and I was determined to have you. How you might feel about it never even crossed my mind.” He still wouldn’t look at her. “It was wrong of me, and I’d never do anything to hurt you. I know I’m messed up, beyond redeeming.”

“No one is beyond redemption, Bry. And for the record,” she turned his head so he would be forced to face her, “I’m glad you found me. You’re my friend, and I care about you. You are important.”

Bryan leaned forward to kiss her but stopped himself short. He had no choice. She wasn’t really his; and after last night’s brief kiss, he knew his body would go into autopilot, overtake the slim semblance of control his mind was able to maintain, and he’d do something stupid. He wanted more. A kiss would never be enough, not with her.

“I’m not good at this,” Bryan said, wagging his finger back and forth to indicate the two of them. “Everything else I can do. You want to have a good time, I’m your guy. But friendship and all the emotional stuff?” He shook his head.

Cassidy leaned against him, placing her head on his shoulder and sliding her arm through his to grasp his hand. “I’m not Miranda,” she said quietly.

He nodded. “I know.”

“And I see you as worth a lot more than just a good time.”

He sighed.

“You can let go of it, Bryan. Whatever has you so twisted up inside, let it go.”

Bryan’s eyebrows pinched together. “I’m not this guy, Cass. I’m not weak. I don’t even know who this guy is or how I became him.”

“You were hurt, and you’re still grieving. I understand that, and I don’t want you to push yourself past what you can handle. But you can talk to me.” Cassidy rested her chin on his shoulder so her mouth was inches from his ear. “You’re going to be okay. I promise.”

Her breath on his skin made him shiver. She was driving him wild, and there was nothing he could do about it. Limitations were a new phenomenon.

Focus. You can do this. Keep talking.

“How can you be so sure? I lost six months of my life. I know I didn’t work. I can’t even remember leaving my apartment except for a handful of times with Mara and then on my own a few days before I left for Jersey. It’s all a blur.” Bryan’s voice was unsteady. “Or gone.”

“What do you mean, lost six months? What happened to you out there?” Cassidy asked.

“I didn’t want to think about any of it, didn’t want to feel it. She made it go away.”

“She, as in Mara.” Cassidy was beginning to get a complete picture of the brokenness inside Bryan. And Mara had only kept him in the darkest of places, feeding into it, possibly encouraging it. She clenched her jaw. What kind of person was this woman, exactly? She watched him self-destruct for half a year and did nothing to stop it?

Bryan nodded. “I was stupid, so desperate to be numb that I did - or took - whatever I could,” he said and shook his head. “You don’t want to hear this.”

“Yes,” she began, “I do. I told you, not running away.”

“I don’t want you to know this part of me.”

“I’m your friend. I’m not sure what that’s meant to you in the past, but to me it means unconditional acceptance. Listen, you can’t keep this inside, either, Bryan. It’s not healthy.”

He sighed and looked out the window. She wasn’t going to accept anything less than the whole story, that much was painfully clear. When he tried to remember what he’d done or think about how he’d ended up as this new, far-from-improved version of himself, there were huge gaps. Entire days, even weeks, were simply gone. It was like someone had erased, not only chunks of his memory, but pieces of who he used to be.

“I can’t get that time back,” he said. “Maybe I don’t want it back; I don’t know. I spent so much time not feeling, and now that I’m here, all I seem to do is
feel
. Sometimes it’s like it might split me in two.”

Cassidy smoothed his hair, brushing it away from where it had fallen to hide his face. She kissed his cheek, wishing with all her heart and soul that she could take this pain from him. “It doesn’t matter how long it takes. We’ll get you through this.”

“Cass, I’m tired of running away, but I’m afraid to stay,” he replied, weariness in every syllable.

“Is that why you left the church?” she asked.

Bryan rubbed a finger across his lips. “I have trouble with a God who allows things like those months I spent in oblivion. If He cared so much about me, why didn’t He send anyone to help me?”

“Who said He didn’t?” She thought of the angels. Surely Bastion had been there the whole time. It didn’t make sense that Bryan hadn’t felt him helping - or attempting to help. Cassidy wondered what might block him from intervening.

Bastion appeared in the corner of the room, arms crossed, leaning against the wall. His posture betrayed the alertness that Cassidy knew was fully alive in him. Since she’d grown up with the knowledge of angels, it never bothered her to see them around. Some might feel intruded upon, spied on, but she didn’t. She found their presence comforting. Even now, during this moment of intimacy with Bryan, she knew that Bastion and Luscid would respect their privacy.

“Not yet, Cassidy,”
Bastion said, speaking directly to her mind alone.

Cassidy’s eyes narrowed.
“If not now, when?”
she thought in response. Bastion merely gave her a don’t-question-me look.

Angels.
She rolled her eyes and blew out an impatient breath.

His voice was low as he continued, “I can’t believe I’m telling you all of this.”

“Listen, everyone is a mess in some way, Bry. We all have our own demons to battle. Let me help you with yours.”

It wasn’t hard for her to spot the way Bastion straightened when she mentioned the word demon. So, that was it. Cassidy knew they existed and walked the earth in very much the same way the angels did. Of course with a different purpose altogether - that being to cause as much destruction as possible. Looking at the tattered remains of Bryan’s spirit, it was easy now to see that whatever had kept him enslaved to his pain was truly demonic. Cassidy wondered if she’d recognize one if she saw it. With her luck, she’d get the opportunity to find out.

Just how human would a demon be able to make itself appear?
she asked herself.

Very.
Bastion sent his answer directly to her mind.

Cassidy shuddered.

Bryan sat staring at her, making her feel a bit self-conscious.

“So, are you ready for the next phase of this plan of ours?” He grinned wickedly.

And just like that, he was back.

“I don’t know, Bry. Am I?”

“Well, I think we should keep it going. They think we’re a pair, anyway, and after seeing us at church together,” he paused, “well, anyone would think you’ve got me completely wrapped around your finger.”

Cassidy laughed at that idea. “Right. Like that could happen.”

“Seriously, not even Carrie was able to succeed in getting either Miranda or me to church. Not once.” He grimaced. “Though Miranda goes now, I suppose.”

“Do you want to get out of here?” Cassidy asked, hoping to distract him.

The gleam in Bryan’s eye said, ‘
Not really. Staying in is
just fine with me’

Cassidy ignored the gleam.

“Sure,” he said. “What did you have in mind?”

“How good are you at ice-skating?” Crowded, public places were probably best. She could feel any ounce of self-control she once had slipping from her grasp.

Bryan puffed up his chest in mock bravado. “Good? Pros wish they could skate like me.”

“Okay, California Boy. Let’s put that to the test,” Cassidy challenged.

He stood and reached out his hand to her. “Show me the way.”

Cassidy put her hand in Bryan’s and smiled.

T
hey drove to the one lake in town in a matter of about ten minutes. Cassidy and Bryan laced up their rental skates and stepped onto the ice. The bitter wind whipped all around her, so Cassidy quickly braided her long, blonde hair and pulled on a hat. Bryan held out a hand for her, and she took it graciously.

“I suppose I should warn you. I grew up in a place where winter meant nothing but ice and snow, so I was skating before I could walk,” she said.

“And I suppose I should remind you that I was not always a California boy, and they do have indoor rinks these days,” Bryan replied, smirking. His cheeks and nose were already turning red from the cold.

“Well, then, show me what you’ve got.”

A challenge.

Bryan never shied away from a challenge. There were hardly any people skating today, so he had plenty of room. He released her hand and sped away, effortlessly gliding around the lake, making his way through the few awkward pairs skating around the edge. Spinning backwards, forwards, never taking his eyes from her. Returning to Cassidy, he continued to keep pace with her, still skating backwards so he could face her to talk. He spread his arms wide as if awaiting her applause.

“Not bad, surfer boy,” she commented.

“Not bad? Let’s see you keep up.”

Cassidy looked uncertain. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Is it because you suck?” he asked. “It’s okay, you can admit it.”

“I just don’t want you to feel bad, Bry. You did a really good job and should be proud of yourself.” Her smile widened.

Bryan took a deep breath and skated to a stop. “Big talk from someone so tiny. That’s it. Show me.” With a grand, sweeping gesture, he pointed toward the center of the ice. No one was skating there.

Perfect
, Cassidy thought.

“Well, if you’re sure it won’t bruise your fragile male ego,” she began. “Just remember that I warned you.”

She glided out to the center of the ice. The scraping sound of the blades was familiar and comforting. She recalled many years of going to the local rink with her parents. She felt the rush of adrenaline. With every push of her legs, Cassidy felt more at home. Her body was finding its way back to where it belonged. Her mind stilled. Her spirit soared. She was made for this.

Cassidy stopped and turned back to find Bryan. He leaned against a wooden rail on the edge of the lake watching her and waiting.

“Come on, Cass,” he taunted. “Let’s see what you’ve got!”

Here goes nothing,
she thought.
Don’t over think this. You know what you’re doing. Focus and let go.
She gave one final push and her body took over.

She widened her circle, preparing for the combination that beckoned to her. Her heart beat faster in anticipation. She began with a layback spin, gracefully arching her back, dropping her head back and extending her arms toward the sky. After that, she skated even faster, maneuvering herself for a flip. It had been years, yet her body remembered the motion and movements as if it had been only yesterday. She felt her foot spike the ice with the toe pick, and her body began the counterclockwise rotation: left leg crossed in front of the right at the ankles, feet together, her arms pulled into her chest and her head turned to look over her left shoulder. As she landed, her arms spread wide, matching her grin. Cassidy finished with a corkscrew sit-spin. Pain in her right leg signaled that it was time to end this. She came to a halt and took a bow. Bryan’s jaw was hanging open, disbelief written across his face. She skated back to him, grinning.

“Well, what did you think?” she asked.

“You cheated,” he answered. “What were you, an Olympic figure skater in a former life or something?”

Cassidy laughed. “Or something. I skated competitively until I was fifteen.”

“What made you stop? You were clearly very good at it.”

“I was in a car accident. It shattered my leg from ankle to knee. I had years of physical therapy, but I just never made it back.” Cassidy shrugged. “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.” She rubbed her right leg and winced. “I shouldn’t have been such a showoff.”

“You’re hurt?” Bryan put a hand to her shoulder and looked at her leg.

“It’s just sore. Before moving here, I used to go to one of the rinks near where I lived, skate around for a while, but I stayed away from the fancy stuff. Something about the sound of the blade on the ice always soothes me, so I went a lot after my parents died,” Cassidy paused, a little out of breath. “I just pushed it too hard today, I suppose.”

Bryan took her mittened hand. “You never mentioned anything about skating back then, when you came to visit Carrie and her parents.”

“You weren’t exactly interested in anything I said or did back then, Bry. There wasn’t any point to mentioning it.”

He frowned. She was right. He’d barely paid any attention to her then. “I do remember there was one summer you weren’t around. Was the accident the reason?”

Cassidy nodded. “Therapy.”

“See?” he said. “I did notice. Think you can handle a few times around with a novice such as myself?”

Her leg didn’t hurt too badly, and she wanted to stay on the ice for a while longer. She nodded, smiling. “I’ll take it easy on you, California.”

He smiled. “Thanks, Kid.”