Redemption (19 page)

“Last summer, when I was here,” he answered curtly.

Cassidy nodded but didn’t say anything else. This conversation had run into a dead end, and there was no point in trying to get out of it. She sighed quietly. What had he been up to in all those months? She wished she had the courage to come right out and ask him. In the end, though, she was too afraid. It might force him deeper into himself, and she had a feeling it wouldn’t take much to do that.

Bryan pulled into the lot by Panera and parked. He kept his hands on the steering wheel, staring straight ahead. He seemed reluctant to move.

The restaurant was busy. Bryan started to feel claustrophobic at the thought of being around so many people. He wanted Cassidy, quiet, some soup, and the ability to pretend that those things would make the gnawing in his gut go away. He frowned.

“Take out?” he asked, hopeful.

“That’s fine with me,” Cassidy answered. If they were alone, he might be more likely to talk to her about whatever kept causing him to make that face. The one that looked like something inside was clawing its way out, painfully and against his will.

Bryan ordered them each chicken noodle soup, Cassidy’s with a half sandwich, and paid for both. He raised his eyebrows when she opened her mouth to protest, quickly silencing her and earning the reward of her smile.

Alone with Cassidy would not mean her aunt and uncle’s house. Bryan took her to the only place he could: his hotel room. He felt a bit awkward as he reached behind the seats for the Panera bag. Somehow, being there with her felt wrong. As if all the implications of taking a girl back to his hotel would occur to her, and it wasn’t why he brought her there.

Not that he didn’t want her. He just knew he shouldn’t.

Bryan was caught between turning around and getting out or starting up the Jeep and taking her home. Being this version of himself was tough. And it really went against everything he’d been for too long.

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Let’s get inside before it’s too cold to eat,” she said. “And it’s okay. You’re not going to compromise my good morals by bringing me up to your room.”

How could she read his mind that way? Bryan smiled at her, unfrozen now, warmed in a way that he knew soup wouldn’t ever be able to achieve.

“It’s a bit uncanny the way you can tell what I’m thinking,” he said.

“Truly not that difficult.” Cassidy raised a brow at him. “You wear whatever you’re thinking or feeling for anyone to see, if they’re looking.”

They walked to his room, mostly silent. There was some small talk - the impending storm, Cassidy’s desire for more hot chocolate, Bryan’s endless list from Carrie - and by the time they reached the room, Cassidy hoped they’d run out of it and could move on to what she thought they should be talking about. He unlocked the door and stepped inside, but she paused. Something felt strange. She couldn’t quite articulate what it was, but there was a definite energy of some sort that filled the space outside his door. And it wasn’t happy that she was there.

“Do you smell that?” she asked, looking around.

Bryan shook his head. “Smell what?”

“I’m not sure. Some kind of flower,” Cassidy paused and waved one hand in the air to dismiss the whole thing. “Ignore me. It’s probably my imagination.”

But she knew it wasn’t. The odor was strong, and when she mentioned it, she felt a burst of the mysterious energy, then it dissipated. She knew that Bastion and Luscid were nearby, even though she couldn’t see them at the moment. Perhaps they’d gone after whatever she’d felt. Cassidy stepped inside the room, the hairs on the back of her neck still on end.

 

Mara was livid. There was no other way to describe what she was feeling. Unable to get near Bryan with those two irritating Protectors around, she was left to lurk and hide. So demeaning. She had to get to him. The human girl was entirely too persuasive with her pretty face and sweet smile and annoying honesty. She growled. How could
that
compete with her own vibrant appeal? All Bryan needed was to see her, feel her, and he’d forget Little Miss Innocent.

He had to. Mara could already sense the other demons, sent to monitor her, gathering in the hotel. So far, none of them had approached her. She smiled, cruel and beautiful at the same time. Perhaps the lesson she’d taught Insult had gotten back to the rest of them. Good. They should fear her.

She sat down, propped her feet on a table, and crossed her arms. How was she going to get him back? She bit her lower lip, she chewed her nails. It wasn’t just about an assignment. With Bryan, it had been much more for a long time. She knew that her survival depended on either turning him or destroying him.

But I still want him for myself.

Was there a way to hide him from Lucifer? Her mind spun as it tried to find a way out. Maybe she could whisk him away to someplace secret, just the two of them. Was it even possible to deceive the Deceiver?

Mara took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Probably not. After all, the guy had invented lies. She snarled and kicked the table in frustration. She knew that if it wasn’t her, someone else would take the job and finish it. The difference, though, was that his gray eyes, heart-melting smile, and warm body would be meaningless to her replacement. And she’d be nothing more than a pile of dust. Or a blackened stain on the rug. Sent back to Hell and at Lucifer’s mercy, of which he had none.

Not one of those options seemed appealing.

Bryan had to join or die. It was as simple as that. Mara closed her eyes. It wasn’t simple at all, and even she found it impossible to believe that lie.

 

The soup failed to fill the void in Bryan. Sure it tasted great, filled his stomach, and left him sated until the next meal; but the hunger he now felt went much deeper. He watched Cassidy finish hers, noticing that even the way she bit the sandwich was delicate.

What am I doing anywhere near someone like her?

“What?” she asked, giving him a look that screamed suddenly self-conscious.

“Just watching you eat,” he answered. “Isn’t there anything you do that’s even a bit sloppy?”

Cassidy smirked and shoved the remainder of the sandwich into her mouth, crumbs falling and dusting her sweater. “Better?” she asked, her mouth full of sandwich.

“Much,” Bryan said, laughing. “You know, I’m still trying to understand you. Just when I think I’ve made some progress, you do something like you just did and surprise me.”

She brushed herself off and grinned at him. Then, in one fluid motion, straddled his lap, facing him, and put one hand on either shoulder as if bracing herself. Cassidy lowered her face so their eyes met.

That was unexpected.

“I’m trying to understand you, too, Bryan Roemer,” she said and sat up straighter, still on his lap.

The slight wiggle as she did so drove him crazy. “Oh really?” he managed, swallowing.

“Yes. I want to know everything about you, and all sorts of questions keep running through my mind. Questions like, what is your life like in California? What sorts of things do you like to do?” She touched his cheek with one hand. “What made you leave the building so quickly today?” Cassidy paused, lowering her arm to her own lap, her mouth turning downward.

Bryan looked away from her. “Trust me, Cass, some questions shouldn’t be answered.”

“I wouldn’t have mentioned them if I didn’t want to know,” Cassidy gently insisted. “I’m not a little girl, Bry.”

He looked conflicted. “And I’m not a really good guy, Cass. I start answering some of these, you may realize this is a big mistake and not want to stick around.”

“You’re my friend, Bryan,” she began. “Just talk to me. It’s okay.”

Bryan took a deep breath. There was clearly a battle going on inside him. Cassidy slid off his lap and waited. She could see that he wanted to open up to her, but he resisted out of obvious fear of rejection.

Miranda sure did a number on you, didn’t she?

“I don’t even know where to start,” he said quietly.

“How about the beginning?” Cassidy suggested. She reached for his hand, and as their fingers touched he clasped his around hers so tightly that she could feel his desperation. Luscid was right; Bryan was broken.

He closed his eyes briefly, almost like a very long blink. “Last summer, I flew back here, but you already know that. Miranda and I had been dancing around some kind of a relationship for years. The stupid flirting on the phone, her always needing me, and me always running to her rescue.”

Bryan stopped talking, and Cassidy wondered if he’d be able to begin again. When he let out a very long, very slow breath, one that seemed to come from someplace deep inside of him, she found that she was holding hers.

“It was a mistake on my part, thinking I could show up, find her waiting for me the way I’d been waiting for her. Love makes a person stupid sometimes. She already had Gainnes, and even though I tried,” he shrugged, “there was nothing left for me. Anyway, on the flight home I met Mara. She was nothing like Miranda, and that was just fine with me. A little while after we got back to California she, uh, moved in and has been with me since.”

“Wait,” Cassidy began, “Mara
lives
with you?” This was not good. This was not
seeing someone
.

“Yes,” he said shrugging. “But it was never anything serious. Just sex and a lot of forgetting on my part.”

“Forgetting what?” Cassidy asked.

“Me,” he answered.

“Oh, Bry,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“This is who I am, Cass. I’m gonna do whatever it takes to forget how much effort is needed just to get through the day.” He wouldn’t look at her. “Except...”

“Except?”

“You make me want more. I don’t know what it is about you, maybe it’s the fact that you’re so
clean
everywhere. I feel like being around me -” Bryan’s voice caught.

“Go on,” she prompted.

He cleared his throat. “I feel like being near me will ruin you. I know I should stay away, tell you to go, but I don’t want to. That’s selfish, and I know that, too. Just even thinking about not having you near me,” he paused and closed his eyes again, clearly struggling. “It’s like I can’t breathe.”

B
ryan was quiet for a long time after his confession. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, head hanging between them. In that position, he looked very vulnerable. She had no idea what he might have meant; but if he felt better with her around, well, then around is what she’d be. Cassidy placed her hand on his back and rubbed gently.

He flinched.

Not a good sign.

“It’s okay,” she said. “I’m not going to run screaming from the room. You can trust me, Bryan.”

He made a fist and put it to his lips. Breathing deeply, he continued, “Maybe you should run.”

“Well, I’m not going to. I guess you’re stuck with me for now, Bryan Roemer,” Cassidy replied. “I don’t give up on the people I care about.”

She couldn’t read the expression on his face. Was he pleased? It seemed a mixture of both relief and anxiety not-so-neatly blended into one. His internal struggle was painful to watch. One minute he seemed like he might scream - the next, cry. Cassidy had never witnessed such distress. He’d been sad over the past few days but generally still the same Bryan. Joking, flirting, persistently unavoidable. The man sitting beside her now had been decimated, and the pieces weren’t fitting back together.

Bryan opened his mouth to speak, but words wouldn’t come. He scrubbed his face with his hand. There was no way she’d want to have anything to do with him if he revealed every ugly layer of his life - even he didn’t want himself, why would anyone else, especially her? In his eyes, Cassidy was the closest thing to an angel a human could possibly be. Reluctant to speak, too far along to remain silent, Bryan felt uneasy. How could he tell her everything and expect her to stay? How could he expect her to stay if he wouldn’t open up to her? He decided to risk it; it was the only way to know. He said a silent prayer to Whomever might be watching and listening, asking for the chance he knew he didn’t deserve.