Red Desert - Point of No Return (5 page)

Many times I wondered
what my mother had felt when my father left her. She told me
everything when I was just a little girl, but only now did I have a
vague understanding of what she meant. I wanted to disappear,
die.

“It’s not like you
think,” Jan continued, even though I didn’t intend to listen to him
anymore. “I’m separated.”

I stopped trying to
escape and looked him in the eye again. With one sentence he had
dragged me down into the abyss, and with another he had raised me
up again bringing me back to reality.

“Pardon …?” I
babbled.

“Legally separated,
since today,” he specified, giving a hint of a smile.

The pleasant feeling
of some instants earlier vanished again, as I realised the
implications of what he just told me.

“We’ve been dating,
since when? One month? And you’re telling me this only now?!” I was
angry and confused. In my mind clouded by romance and sex I had
idealised the man in front of me, and now that I confronted reality
I felt betrayed. I didn’t know whether to get annoyed with him or
myself.

“I know, you’re right.
I should have told you long ago, but I didn’t know how.”

“You should have told
me immediately!” I cried. Outraged, I freed my hands from his grip
and turned my head to avoid his eyes.

“Try to put yourself
in my shoes.” He placed a hand on my shoulder. “It isn’t exactly
the first thing to say if you want to impress a woman you
like.”

I remained still and
listened.

“Well, even if …” He
hesitated. “It would impress certain women.”

He was trying to be
ironic. On another occasion I would have laughed, but now it didn’t
seem funny at all. In the end I knew he wasn’t entirely wrong, but
I felt that this excuse just wasn’t enough. “An entire month
passed,” I repeated. “What were you waiting for? Or perhaps you
thought you’d get bored after a couple of days, so it wasn’t
important.”

“No,” he protested
with vehemence and this time he forced me to turn to him. “Of
course not! It just happened too quickly. I wanted to tell you a
hundred times, but it was never the right moment. Then a week
passed, ten days, twenty … and suddenly it had become too
late.”

I looked at him, still
perplexed about how I should have reacted to his confession.

“Finally, this
morning, I received a call from my lawyer, who confirmed the legal
separation was official, starting from today. So then I knew I
couldn’t postpone anymore.”

I continued to stare
at him, without saying a word.

“Can you understand
me? Hasn’t it ever happened to you, where you’ve postponed
something as long as possible to avoid hurting someone you
love?”

I recalled Dennis
Francis’s proposal, and the fact that when I told Jan I’d kept
things vague on the matter. I had talked about my possible
involvement in a manned mission to Mars, but had omitted the part
about establishing a colony on the planet, where people would live
for the rest of their days.

I don’t know what
expression crossed my face in those moments, but it somehow
persuaded Jan to keep on justifying his behaviour.

“You know the day we
bumped into each other, near the Grand Place.” He raised a smile.
“I was in a hurry, because I had a meeting with my wife at our
marriage counsellor. I was late again, for the umpteenth time. We
had already been separated for some months, but she insisted on us
making a last try. I’d agreed verbally, but maybe unconsciously I
didn’t believe it would be of any use. This is probably why I kept
on being late.”

“That day, after
seeing you, talking to you, at once I understood what had always
been right in front of me, but I hadn’t seen, until then. I didn’t
love her anymore, that’s all.”

“After calling you and
you agreeing to see me that evening, I went straight to the
counsellor’s office and told my wife I wanted a divorce.”

I sat with my mouth
open for a moment, while his inquisitive eyes inspected me, trying
to understand what was going through my mind. Little by little,
whilst listening to him I realised how his secret wasn’t serious at
all, and actually it was nothing compared to what I was hiding from
him. A compelling desire to catch the moment and be completely
sincere with him burned inside me. But I was a coward.

I moved closer and I
kissed him, taking him by surprise. He cuddled me and, when our
lips separated, I did nothing but whisper, “I love you, too.”

I knew it couldn’t
really be true. If I had loved him for real, I would have told him
the truth.

“The truth is that, in
spite of the terrible things I told you, in spite of the fact I
pushed you away and that I knew full well that you were going on a
journey from which you were unlikely to return … well, in my heart
I never stopped waiting for you. And I’m still waiting for you.” He
smiles, but he can’t hide his worry. “I don’t know what you are
thinking right now, but if you believe there’s no way out for you,
you’re wrong. They really are preparing a mission to bring you
home. And, when you are back, you’ll find me waiting for you, if
you want me. Perhaps I should have accepted your proposal. I hope
it’s not too late to do it when you return.” He stops again, but
continues staring at the camera. He sighs. “Go back to Station
Alpha, please.” His words are broken by emotion. “I love you.”

I can hardly see Jan’s
image on the screen. My eyes are full of tears. I blame myself for
not connecting to the satellite earlier, when I still had the
option to go back. Maybe I could have done it, abandoned my
resolutions and faced whatever was happening at the station, to do
what he was asking of me.

It’s also true that I
wouldn’t have been judging the situation with a clear mind.

But it’s too late now.
I left more than thirty hours ago and I only have twenty-six hours
left, including the air reserve in the suit. To have a chance to
make it, I should go back right now and never sleep during the
journey. But I didn’t rest enough last night. I would end up losing
control of the rover and damaging it irreparably. Then I would
spend my last hours kicking myself for giving up when I was so
close.

It’s the brightest
hour of the day. I look at the canyon stretching out in front of me
and try to breathe deeply. Little by little I calm down.

It had been years
since I last saw Jan. Our separation was the most painful
experience of my life. I succeeded in getting through it because
inside I knew I was about to do something extraordinary, which was
far more important than my personal feelings for another human
being. I did not want to choose between him and the mission, but
destiny put me to the test by letting me meet the two of them at
the same time. I’ve always thought that things happen for a reason,
but, as much as I tried to rationalise the situation, I couldn’t
find a way to reconcile both of them. Not one that Jan was ready to
accept.

He had considered me
an egoist and I had hated him because of that. Because I actually
felt that, if I had abandoned the mission for him, then I would
have been an egoist. Because I wanted him more than the mission.
But life has always taught me that the things we want most are
those which make us suffer, as it happened to my mother. You live
better if you stay away from them.

Then I left Earth and
everything began. For a while I felt fulfilled, almost happy. I
started thinking about him less and less. If a person lives
hundreds million kilometres away, it’s like they’re dead. What’s
the difference? I convinced myself that he felt the same. But I was
clearly wrong.

I feel guilty for
having made him suffer. But right now, after what I’ve found out, I
cannot blame myself for being here. With a little luck I will soon
face the reason why I came to Mars. I didn’t know it when I left,
but I can glimpse it now.

I turn again to the
virtual screen, where Jan’s frozen image stares back at me. I touch
the icon that reads ‘reply with text’. A window partly overlays his
handsome face. A blank sheet with a blinking cursor. My hands move
on the keyboard without hesitation. Words appear one after the
other. Then I press the send button. I wait for the confirmation of
the transmission and then I close the connection to the satellite.
I won’t open it again until I reach my target. I don’t want any
other distractions.

I check the time. It’s
past midday; I only have six hours of light. I must get moving. I
turn on the rover’s engine again and set off.

“I guess you knocked
on the wrong door.” Omar’s gaze was tired and he looked annoyed by
the intrusion.

“I don’t think so,” I
replied. “Omar Jibril?”

When he heard me
pronouncing his name, he seemed to take an interest in my
presence.

“Yes …” He studied me
from behind his glasses. “How do you know my name?”

“My name is Anna
Persson,” I said but, since it seemed not to elicit any particular
reaction, I specified: “Daughter of Birgit Persson.”

His face contracted.
He was trying to hide his turmoil, but it was evident that I had
caught him by surprise. He kept on watching me for a few seconds,
then without saying a word he hastened to close the door, but it
was blocked by something. Alarmed, he looked down and saw my foot
stuck between it and the jamb.

“Go away,” he shouted,
determined. “Or I’ll call security!” He slammed the door several
more times, trying to dismiss me, but I endured the pain and
started pushing with my arms from the opposite side.

“Even if you shut me
outside, I’m staying here. Maybe I’ll have a nice chat with your
wife,” I menaced him. “Have you told her that when you were engaged
and you attended university in Stockholm you got a girl pregnant? I
bet you didn’t.”

Omar stopped pushing
at once. I saw his shadow walking away. So I flung the door open.
He was beside the window staring at the darkness beyond the glass.
I entered and closed the door behind me.

“I just came to talk,”
I started.

“We have nothing to
say,” he said. His voice was controlled, but he avoided looking in
my direction. I couldn’t understand whether he felt shame for
having abandoned me or just disgust for being forced to stay in the
same room as me.

“I had left her some
money for an abortion. It was her decision to keep you. I didn’t
agree, but she refused to listen to me. I had no other choice but
to leave. It was the best thing for everybody.”

My mother always
described him to me as gentle but inflexible, sweet but
intransigent. Only now did I understand what she meant. He had
decided I shouldn’t be born, so I wasn’t part of his life. Even
though I was in front of him, I didn’t exist. My point of view had
no meaning.

I should have felt
hurt by his attitude, but he had never really been there and my
mother had done nothing to make me either miss or idealise him. So
why was I there? I’d been thinking about it for a long time, and I
knew I had a very important reason, but now I couldn’t remember
it.

“Mum died four years
ago.”

His body started for a
brief moment, and then he turned to me.

“I’m sorry.” He looked
sincere. He didn’t care about me, but that news had struck him.
Perhaps in his particular way he had felt something important for
her, which time hadn’t completely erased.

He was scrutinising
me, searching for a way to make me go away. I don’t think he knew
how to do that.

I sighed. “I don’t
know what I was looking for when I came here,” I said. “I just felt
I had to do it.”

‘
Before leaving
this planet.’

With extreme caution,
I moved closer to him. He remained still. Each step of mine seemed
to make him even more nervous, as if I were something horrible and
dangerous.

“If you have something
to say, then say it and go away!” He addressed me with a hatred I
couldn’t comprehend.

“Why don’t you want to
talk to me?” All at once I was begging him. I could hardly contain
my tears. “What have I done to you? I haven’t come to ruin your
life, but only to meet you, to talk to you for the first and last
time.”

It was like addressing
a wall. His coldness hurt more than I thought. Without realising it
I had started weeping quietly.

“I’m your daughter …”
I murmured with my voice broken by tears.

He looked at me. I
could discern anger in his eyes. “When I met your mother, she and
her friends were renowned for shagging half of the faculty. Who
says you are really my daughter?”

“Bastard!” I shouted,
pouncing on him and hitting his chest with my fists. He was taller
and stronger than me, and he could have hurled me away with no
effort. Instead, he did nothing. He ignored my aggression as well.
Then he seized my wrists.

“Look at me,” I
exclaimed. “Look at my body, my hair, my eyes, my face … how can
you say I’m not your daughter?”

“Anna,” he said with
extreme calmness. My heart skipped a beat when I heard him say my
name. “You have to go, now.” He said it with a tone that didn’t
allow a reply.

In that moment I
understood I had no chance with him. I had to leave everything
behind, including my father.

I lowered my arms and
he released my wrists. I stepped back, once more, and again. I took
a last grieved look at him, but he had already lowered his face and
was just waiting for me to go.

I turned and headed
towards the door. Then I saw his laptop on the table. It was
switched on and the wallpaper was a picture of him with his wife
and three other people. There were two boys and a girl. The girl’s
head was wrapped in a veil that left just her face uncovered, but
from what I could make out she was no older than fifteen. Omar was
just behind her and hugged her with tenderness. At the sight of
that smiling and happy family I felt a stab of jealousy. It was so
intense that it paralysed me. Then it became rage.