Reconcilable Differences: A 'Having It All' Novel (23 page)

Simon started. He was silent, and studied her for a
moment. “You mean—Eli?—
His
past behavior?”

“That’s what I said.” She glanced at him, feeling
restless and irritable, and shifted her weight. Isn’t it?

“Right.” He stood silently for a moment, considering her.
“I think Eli’s come a long way, actually. I believe he’s really committed to
the changes. But now it’s D’arcy’s turn to come clean. She has to be honest
with herself and with him. But there’s something more… ” he paused.

“Why are you picking on D'arcy?” Kate crossed her arms.

He shook his head, plainly perplexed. “I’m not picking on
her. It’s very subtle. I think because of the power imbalance, she’s accustomed
to…” He scowled in thought. “In order for him to take responsibility, she has
to give him some room. She has to trust him, and rely on him. She has to let go
of her control. Soften up a little.”

She stiffened. “Why are you so hard on independent women?
I get the impression you would like them all to be soft little maidens, all
innocence and dependence.”

Simon’s mouth fell open in astonishment, his eyes
widening. “Where is this coming from? I’m talking about D'arcy.”

“Are you?” Kate shook her head, looking at him. “It’s
almost like you’re afraid of strong women. You’ve transferred all your own
fears about powerful women to D'arcy. And maybe to me, too. Is that why you
have to undermine my efforts to mediate?”

He stared at her for a long moment, his lips pursed
thoughtfully. “It’s the opposite. I thought I married a strong woman. But I’ve
learned what real strength looks like, that’s all. And it’s not hard. It’s
about having the courage to be open and vulnerable.” Simon stepped closer and
dipped his head to peer deeply into her eyes, “And I’m not trying to interfere
with your role here. I’m truly trying to help you to help them. I care about
these two. But they won’t make a go of it with skeletons in their closets.”

“I don’t believe you,” she cried, turning away, her arms
akimbo.

“God, you can be stubborn, woman. You’re in denial. Maybe
Sharon’s right. You’ve missed some critical problems, here. I don’t think
you’re thinking clearly.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I know I’m not.” He
took another step toward her and reached out one hand, running his fingertips
lightly across her shoulder.

His touch seared her and unleashed all the emotions she’d
been holding in so tightly for three days. “Don’t touch me!” She whirled,
pulling away from his hand.

“You can’t go on pretending nothing is happening. That
you’re not affected by it.” He stood quietly beside her.

Why did he have to be so calm? So mature? She felt as
though she was being boxed into a corner. A sudden, desperate thought surfaced.

“Oh, I think I understand. You want this case to end so
you can pursue your own selfish interests. You don’t care about Eli and D'arcy
at all, do you? You just want to end this case to get it out of your way.
That’s it, isn’t it?”

He grunted cynically. “Look who’s talking.” He shook his
head, grimacing. “You know that’s not fair. I did it because it’s
right
. If I wanted the case to
hurry up and end, all I had to do was keep my mouth shut. As you said, we were
wrapping up. You could have sent them away happy and washed your hands of them.
But I do care what happens to them. I can’t pretend not to see what I plainly
see. That would have been dishonest and irresponsible.”

She knew he was right. Knowing that he did see it and she
had missed it is what upset her the most. She tucked her loose hair behind her
ears. Her emotional turmoil over her relationship with Simon had truly dulled
her insight. Sharon had every right to report her to the Mediators’ Society.
She had allowed private feelings to interfere with her objectivity and
effectiveness at work.

Suddenly, she was overwhelmed with the foreboding that
all her years of hard work making herself into a respected, competent mediator
had come undone. Her breath felt short and her chest too tight. Her throat
constricted as she felt burning behind her eyes.
Why is this happening? What have I done to deserve all this
chaos and disruption?
Simon’s face blurred behind a curtain of
tears, and a small whimper escaped.

Then his arms came around her and she could hold back no
longer, letting her tears and her fears and disappointments spill over
unchecked. She could feel his soft hands stroking her back and hair and hear
his muffled voice crooning soothing words against her ear. “Shhhh. It’s okay.
It’s going to be okay.”

Some minutes later, she raised her head, spent, and
sniffling, accepted the handkerchief he held out for her. She turned aside,
wiping her eyes and blowing her nose and then, pocketing the sodden hanky,
stood uncertainly, her eyes downcast.

“Better?” he asked. He bent his head and gently pressed
his lips against her forehead for a few exquisite moments, and gently stroked
her hair once more.

She nodded, and a hiccup escaped her throat. She was
surprised how much better she felt, for just having been held by him, despite
the fact that nothing had changed. It shouldn’t be that way. But it was. Oh,
how she longed to lose herself in his arms, and forget everything.

“You don’t really believe what you told D'arcy, do you?
That everything will be okay?” he asked.

She looked up at him. His expression was pensive, his
eyes searching. “No. I don’t. I don’t know.” Maybe it wouldn’t be as dire as
Sharon implied, but something would happen. Kate gripped her knot pendant,
gnawing her cheek. Maybe she deserved to be reprimanded.

His mouth twitched into a half-hearted, asymmetrical
smile, and fell again. “I do, actually.”

“How can you? You’ve just admitted that neither of us has
been thinking clearly lately. I plainly am not able to concentrate, and am not
in tune with my clients as I should be, however much I disagree with what you
did today.”

“Everyone has a private life. But people are expected to
deal with it and carry on doing their jobs. This is no different, Kate.” He
shrugged. “We may be involved with each other, but it poses no conflict with
our roles as agents for D'arcy and Eli.” He paused. “As long as we can be
honest about it.”

“You really believe that?” It was a comforting thought.
The problem was Kate wasn’t sure she bought it.

“I do. Can I make you some fresh tea?”

She nodded gratefully. That was the trouble with Simon,
she thought. Just when she ought to be tossing him out on his ear, she really
cherished having him around. She had come to rely on him as a trusted friend.
And right now, she really needed a friend.
How
the devil am I going to deal with this?

He carried two mugs of steaming tea back to the living
room, and they sat down on the sofa, facing the rain-streaked window. She
settled back, tucking her legs under her, and held her tea cupped between two
hands, letting the steam rise up to warm her face before braving a sip of the
soothing hot liquid. A comfortable silence stretched on, during which Kate was
viscerally aware of his presence.

Finally, he spoke. “I have to admit, I’ve underestimated
Sharon’s trouble-making capacity. I should have made an effort to short-circuit
this before now.”

“So. You finally see my point?” she asked, with a wan
smile.

He turned to face her. Too near, she could feel the heat
of his body, and it did wild, frenzied things to her blood. He drew a breath
and gazed at her. “I do. Yes. And I’m willing to… give it a rest until this
case is resolved. I don’t know how I’ll stand it. But let me be perfectly
clear. You’re not through with me. When this is over, I’ll be knocking on your
door, and wanting to pick up the pieces.” His clear blue eyes pierced hers
intently as he delivered these words. There was no misunderstanding them.

Her heart leapt into her throat, unbidden. Kate couldn’t
be sure if she was ecstatic or terrified by this admission. She needed time to
sort out her own feelings. It was just as well then, that Simon was willing to
give her some space.

It wasn’t easy to ignore his rangy body draped across her
sofa, the warm musky, masculine smell of him, the creases in his smooth blue
cotton shirt and the waving tendrils of golden hair against his collar and over
his elfin ears, casually sipping tea with her as though he belonged here. But
at least he wasn’t devouring her with his eyes. His presence was comforting,
but also disconcerting and distracting.
I
can get through this without falling apart. I can stay calm and in control.

She dared to look into his eyes. All she saw there was
naked honesty and kindness. Nothing threatening. But she was frightened all the
same. “I won’t promise anything, Simon. It might be for the best if we just
leave things where they are. I don’t know. We’ll see.”

He didn’t reply at once, but gazed at her, his sky blue
eyes shining with emotion, and at the same time shadowed with questions and
doubts. She could see the muscles in his jaw clenching, his nostrils flaring,
and his soft, sensual mouth twitching involuntarily as his thoughts swirled.
She could hear him breathing against the backdrop of steadily drumming rain on
the windowpanes. Finally, he dropped his eyes and nodded once, without a word.
When he looked up a moment later, he had put away his raw emotions and his
need, and pasted a determinedly cheerful expression on his face, though she
still sensed his tension in the flare of his nostrils and set of his jaw.

She offered him a conciliatory smile. No matter what
happened, she didn’t want to fight with him.

He polished off his tea. “I’d better get going. I have a
client coming in this afternoon.” He stood up and then hesitated, expectant. He
seemed to be as aware as she was that everything was left hanging, uncertain.
Was this good-bye, then, for the time being?

She stood and walked with him toward the door. “I’ll keep
you posted.”

Turning at the door, Simon nodded and lifted a hand,
reaching toward her cheek, but stopping short. Kate’s eyes widened, and she
pulled back slightly. If he touched her now, there was no telling what she
might do. He dropped his hand with a sigh of resignation.

When he was gone, she stood for a long while by the door,
thinking. One thing for certain, Simon’s return had turned her entire life
upside down, and he wasn’t going to let her bury her feelings anymore. Her
fingers traced the outline of her eternity knot pendant, as she did when she
was stressed, or had difficult questions to ponder. She wore it for a reason.
To remind her of the interconnectedness of all phenomena. In other words, to
remind her that none of these events were happening in isolation, and that
perhaps there was a reason for it all.

If she was serious about her job, her life’s work, and
truly wanted to help people with their relationships, and maybe help herself,
too, then she had two things she knew she had to do. Kate vowed to uncover both
Eli and D’arcee’s secrets, whatever they might be. And she promised herself
that she would have an honest visit with her past. It was time to clean the
skeletons out of her own closet.

The
November rains continued
unabated, painting an unbroken haze of grey days without boundaries. After a
few days had passed, and Kate had heard from no one on the case, she tried
reaching D'arcy. Even though Kate had no explicit strategy as yet, D'arcy undoubtedly
needed reassurance. Maybe she could make a lunch date and try to inspire her
confidence. If Simon was correct, and she was harbouring a secret, the timing
might be just right to bring it out. But there was no answer, and after
repeated tries, she decided to switch tacks and try Eli.

Eli remained elusive. She kept getting his voice mail,
and when he failed to return her messages, she wondered if there was a remote
chance they’d gone away together somewhere. When she finally got through to him
early Sunday morning, correctly assuming that she’d catch him in bed, he
informed her that he’d been working. That’s all. Working. He sounded distracted
and aloof. He hadn’t spoken to D'arcy and had no idea where she was or if she
was alright. It seemed he’d made no effort to contact her in almost a week. He
did a good job pretending that he didn’t care about his marriage and she had
the distinct impression he hung up and crawled right back into bed.

When Kate had caught up on her other work, done her
filing, shopping, and even cleaned her fridge, she could no longer avoid
calling Sharon. She sat drinking tea while she folded laundry and
absent-mindedly watched the Remembrance Day ceremonies on TV. To a backdrop of
plaintive bagpipes, she watched dignitaries place battered wreaths against the
steps of the war memorial, and her heart squeezed for those poor frail old men
huddled bravely against the cold wind and drizzle, their thinning numbers
tenaciously holding onto memories of the most horrific, traumatic experiences
from their lost youth. Was that really a good thing? It seemed an inevitable
part of the human condition, to hold on to pain, to make it a part of your
life. Contemplating the meaning of courage, she slowly pressed the mute button
and picked up the phone at last, dialing Sharon’s cell number, in the off
chance she was not at her office.

“Ah. There you are. I was wondering when I’d hear from
you,” Sharon said.

“I rather thought that I’d be hearing from you,” Kate
rebutted.

“What can I do for you?”

“I’ve tried unsuccessfully to reach D'arcy. And Eli
doesn’t seem to know where she is. Perhaps you’ve heard something?”

“She’s been in Montreal for the past week. Visiting her
parents. She’s due back on the twentieth.” Sharon sounded smug. Kate felt her
dander rising. Why wouldn’t Sharon know? D'arcy was her client. The rebuff felt
like a coded message. Had Kate’s confession about Simon alienated D'arcy? Or
had Sharon poisoned her against Kate?

“Oh. I see,” she replied. “I wanted to meet with her. I
guess it will have to wait.” What else could she say? She certainly wasn’t
going to bring up the conflict of interest issue.

“I’ll call you when I’ve spoken with her. If she’s
interested in meeting with you. I’ll let you know.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”
You
bitch!
Kate ground her teeth until a sharp pain shot through her
temples. If she’s interested? She didn’t need Sharon’s approval to meet with
D'arcy.
She’s
my
client too. Who do you think you are?
“I’d appreciate that.”

Sharon said nothing for a few uncomfortable moments. Her voice,
when she spoke, was a soft growl of contentment. She was really enjoying
torturing Kate, like a cat toying with a mouse. “I haven’t dropped the
professional conduct claim, in case you’re wondering. I’ve looked into the
process with the Mediator Roster Society. I’m actually getting the paperwork
organized as we speak. You can assume I’ll be filing it shortly.” Kate felt her
stomach drop to the ground. She was actually going to go through with it.

Kate donned a cool, indifferent voice like a cape of courage,
which barely hid her rage and trepidation. “Do what you have to do, Sharon.”

Sharon cleared her throat. “I guess you and Simon are
enjoying getting cozy while the case is on hold.”

A tense, relentless silence stretched between them.
“Simon and I have not seen each other; nor are we
seeing each other
, Sharon. Your threats don’t
intimidate me. There is no foundation to your claim.”

“Hmmm. We’ll see what your executive think about that,”
Sharon answered haughtily. “Obviously you’re willing to gamble your accolades
on a not-so-sure thing”

Kate was so agitated after hanging up the phone she found
herself standing with her fists clenched, staring into the muted television
screen and fuming about Sharon’s threats. Looking down at last, she saw she’d
crushed the clean handkerchief Simon had handed her last week during her bout
of tears. She’d have to iron it now.

With some sense of perspective, Kate called up Alexa to
confirm their spa appointment the next afternoon. Kate had not had a chance to
talk to her yet about recent events. Meanwhile, she needed a walk to clear her
head.

The bracing November air slapped her face and tossed her
hair as she made her way from Yaletown down to the boardwalk on the north side
of False Creek. She decided to walk toward Science World and admire the boats
in the marina en route. Though it was a holiday, the cold wind and gusts of
wetness that shuddered down from the sky kept the crowds thin. A blast of cold
air and a sudden shower of fat icy raindrops made her stop and tug the hood of
her anorak closer, hunching her shoulders. She turned to the white steel
railing for a moment, her back to the weather. Metal rigging and stays on the
sailboats tied up at the dock swayed and rattled loudly against their steel
masts, drowning the sound of the wind momentarily.

From the corner of her eye, she thought she saw a
familiar dark-clad figure approaching on the boardwalk behind her, but when she
turned to look, nothing was there but a retreating cyclist wobbling slightly
against the wind, and some people in bright jackets strolling in the far
distance. She continued her walk, pondering Sharon’s troublesome interference.
She could make Kate’s life incredibly difficult if she pursued this course of
action. But perhaps she was only bluffing. It was bad enough the case had gone
so badly off the rails, and now this. She was distressed to think how the
society executive would see what she had done, or failed to do. It was,
potentially, a huge embarrassment, especially because she was in the limelight
right now. A professional reprimand, because surely that’s the worst they would
do to her, would cast a pall over her award and presentation at the AGM.
Especially since notices of reprimands and disciplinary measures were
circulated to the membership. But could she wish her relationship with Simon
away, simply because it was inconvenient or difficult for her?
Do I really want to?

Relationship. She wasn’t even sure that’s what it was. So
much emotional baggage, and for what? No matter what eventually happened with
Simon, the feelings he had aroused in her made it clear, she needed more. She
could never be satisfied with less. Staying with Jay would have been a terrible
mistake. Both of them would live to regret it.

She had to resolve these questions once and for all. She
had to be strong, and fight both her fear of being alone, and her fear of
intimacy.

~*~

“
Mmm
.” Alexa’s eyes were closed behind
her severe angular frames. “This is just what I needed.”

Wrapped in fluffy white terrycloth robes, they were
perched side by side on high faux-leather reclining chairs overlooking a
tropical oasis with palm trees and a softly bubbling waterfall, their feet
immersed in identical tubs of hot soapy water. A ceramic dish of dried fruit
and nuts sat between them.

“Me too. Much better than squash,” Kate murmured,
wiggling her toes in the hot water, inhaling the soothing scent of essential
oils– something tropical and sweetly floral. She felt herself relaxing into the
sound of the burbling fountain. Sighing, she said, “We should go to Maui again
someday soon.”

“I’m sorry about the past two weeks. Work’s been so
intense. Two project deadlines, three proposals. And Krystof wanted my help
hiring a couple new interns, so there were interviews, etc.”

“Mmm.” Kate secretly fumed whenever Alexa mentioned her
boss. She tried to keep too much judgment out of her tone of voice, not wishing
to ruin the mood. “And how is Krystof?” She reached for a slice of mango and
nibbled it’s sweet chewy flesh.

Alexa sighed. “You know. He’s back with his wife… again.”

“I guess I don’t have to ask if you’re still sleeping
with him.”

“Not right now.” Alexa shifted in her chair and flexed
her wet feet in the tub. “Only when he’s separated from his wife.”

Kate ground her teeth together. They’d had this debate a
million times. “Has it occurred to you that you shouldn’t do it at all, as long
as he’s still married to her?” She suffered a twist of guilt, realizing that
she’d somehow fallen into a parallel situation with Simon.

Alexa exhaled and peered over her frames. “Not every
married couple is meant to be together. You’re somewhat biased in that
department. I know you’d like to but you can’t fix every failed marriage.”

Two young aestheticians entered the room and settled down
opposite each of their clients, pulling out towels and toolkits. Cheerful
greeting were exchanged, pink and claret red polish colours selected, and they
set to work. Alexa let out a long slow breath.

“How about you? What’s new?” Alexa grabbed a fistful of
nuts and fruit, popping them into her open mouth.

Tension swirled through Kate’s muscles, and she felt
light-headed. She didn’t reply, even though she knew Alexa eventually would
squeeze every detail out of her.

Alexa sat up, pulling down her dark glasses and glaring
at Kate over their tops. “You’re scaring me. Prolonged silence from you can
only mean one thing. C’mon. Spill the beans.”

“I don’t know where to begin,” Kate said, a hot tingling
pressing at her eyes.

“At the beginning of course.”

The two young women bent their heads over their clients’
toes, working diligently.

Kate filled Alexa in on her squash game with Simon and
its disturbing fallout. “He asked me out for dinner. Just to talk… you know…
about the past.”

“Uh-huh.” Alexa’s eyes sparkled.

Kate was feeling sheepish. She knew Alexa was way ahead
of her, and just needed the details, but it was uncomfortable to have to relate
the facts, now that so much had happened. It made it more real somehow. “We
went for Indian food. And there was a huge tapestry from the Kama Sutra right
over our table.” Kate gave her a pained expression. Alexa laughed heartily at
Kate’s description of the murals, and Simon’s obvious discomfort upon finding
them sitting under such sensual images. “It was all downhill from there.”

“Downhill? Don’t you mean smooth sailing?”

Kate squirmed and kept her gaze fixed on the trickling
waterfall across from them. The aesthetician poked and pruned and scrubbed at
her feet, distracting her.

“So then he took you home.”

“Not so fast,” Kate said. “First I had to have another
whopper of an anxiety attack. Then of course he had to take me home.” Kate
wished her story stopped there.

“Aaaand…?” Alexa prompted while the aestheticians held
their breath.

Kate glanced at them, lowering her voice. “Well, I don’t
know what I was thinking but…” Kate felt a shiver of remembered sensual
pleasure. “Oh, Alex. It’s so complicated. You can’t imagine how hard this is
for me.”

“I can imagine, yes.” She didn’t skip a beat. “But did you
sleep with him?”

“Shhhh.”

A small intake of breath emanated from one of the girls,
prompting a severe glance from her companion as she reached for her clippers.

“What’s going on exactly? What did he say? What did he
do? What did
you
do?”
Alexa leaned in expectantly. “How did it compare to Jay? He’s pretty hot.”

She groaned. Thinking of Jay just made her feel worse.
Despicable, discomposed.

 The aesthetician shifted Kate’s feet, wrapping them
in soft blue towels. Kate shared her fears about becoming intimate with Simon
again, and how she’d really wanted to avoid it, but something else had
happened, so much beyond her control.

“No comparison. It was an amazing evening —night— I guess
I should say. Like a reunion with a lost part of myself. I forgot everything.
We fit together so beautifully. And he seemed to feel the same way.”

“That sounds like a good thing.” Alexa caught the
aestheticians gaping open mouthed, but her narrowed eyes sent them quickly back
to work, painting perfect red crescents of polish in expert strokes.

“But in the morning— “ Kate winced, remembering the
painful collision of his tender feelings and her naked terror. “In the morning,
it was so— he started to say
something
…”

“No way.” Alexa stopped, a handful of dried apricots and
almonds half-way to her open mouth, smoky green eyes piercing Kate over her
dark-framed spectacles.

“Well, I may have jumped to conclusions, but in that
moment I was suddenly so afraid, I knew we couldn’t go on. I was feeling quite
overwhelmed. There’s just no knowing what I might have said. And I knew, I just
knew, that I couldn’t trust my feelings.”

“I suppose you’re falling in love with him again, aren’t
you?” Alexa’s face was twisted into the familiar wry smile she wore whenever
the subject of love came up, as though she were referring to fairies or alien
abductions.

“But how do I know that? How do I know it’s love, and not
just some sick dependency? Or a fear of being alone? Maybe my perfect mate
hasn’t even shown up yet. Why is this so hard for me?”