Recklessly (40 page)

“I didn’t. I swear. I had no idea they called you. I really didn’t. Obviously, I went out to not have to think about you…but you were still on my mind. Hence, the drinking. I didn’t orchestrate anything. I just missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too…but it just feels like we’re trapped in this really toxic cycle right now…especially me.” Wes sighed. “Hey, do you remember what I told you about Erin’s letter a while back?”

Lana frowned as she tried to remember. “No, but it seemed like you were forgiving her.”

“Except I wasn’t. It became an excuse for the pain she caused me. I pushed her cheating aside. I turned the relationship into something else in my mind. She supposedly loved me, so that made the pain okay; I just accepted it. Now I feel like we’re headed for something full of back and forth pain right now with each other, and for too long I’ve accepted that pain in relationships is the standard...like my goddamn parents. The thing I’ve been trying to avoid my entire life. All this time, I’ve been trying to convince them to end it and somehow I decided I was willing to let you destroy me if it meant I got to love you. That’s twisted. I can’t be like my parents.”

“I didn’t mean for things to turn out this way, Wes. I was serious when I told you that you scared me. I’ve never wanted something permanent in my life before. Like I told you, when things are temporary, you can just move on from them. And I’m okay with that. I like the change. I like the excitement. I like the control, and the lack of disappointment and rejection are collateral benefits. I wasn’t afraid of them, but it’s nice to not have to deal with them.

But it was so different with you. You made me think about things beyond the
now.
And I never quite got over the thought that you would want to go back to us being temporary, Wes. And for the first time ever, I had to consider what disappointment, rejection and dashed hopes might look like. Not because I thought I wasn’t good enough for you or unworthy of your love—I know you loved me and I know you
love
me—it was
just
fear of the loss of you, the fear of losing what I loved so much. Outside of maybe Sadie, I’ve never worried about losing
anything
before. I just knew we were going to end, anyway, so it didn’t matter that I didn’t tell you about Brody. I had convinced myself of the temporariness of us to the point that it was easier to self-sabotage, and I guess it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s like I was finding little ways to push us apart.

When we argued in San Diego, I just knew it was over. What I had been dreading had finally happened, so I found a ride back to L.A.” Lana brushed her face. “And I had already decided if you were really meant to be permanent, no matter how much I pushed you away, you would stay. It’s fucked up, isn’t it? I’m a train wreck, Wes.”

“Who isn’t, baby girl?” Wes dropped a kiss to her forehead. “I pressed the Brody thing too much, didn’t I? Did I make you feel like you were choosing between me and what you wanted to do for Sadie with Brody? I might have let my issue with him cloud me a little.”

“I still had a choice not to keep that stuff from you, and just so you know, I didn’t mean for you to see what happened outside of my apartment, but it wasn’t something I was keeping from you regarding Brody. I had planned to see the Olins one last time before they left when we got back from the Expo. Brody was at my apartment that very day bright and early. I had been serious about what I said to him at the awards, but he seemed genuine—but I’ve also been projecting my own feelings about Sadie on him, truthfully. If anyone has been clouded, it’s me—and my mind was so fucked up from our fight, I just said yes.”

“And your stuff in his car?”

“When I got back to Los Angeles, I booked a last-minute trip to fly to see my brother for that evening because I realized how much I screwed up, and I just wanted to get away. I was just so overwhelmed in the moment when you were standing there, and I just wanted it to not be happening, especially on top of everything else I was dealing with. And I just wanted you to not have to see any more of me with Brody. I knew I had messed up
again
and regardless of what I said and how you felt, you would never forgive me. I couldn’t expect you to overlook that after our fight. So, more sabotage. If I got in Brody’s car I could end it then, and I wouldn’t have to worry about losing you later.” She laughed weakly. “Just know that we didn’t get too far. We drove out of my complex and I made him let me out. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore, and we haven’t really spoken since. I regretted it, and I didn’t know how to fix it. My text was my weak attempt. It’s not a good explanation but it’s all I’ve got, Wes. I think I doomed us from the start. Maybe I’m not reckless in the way you hoped. I was scared, so I gave up on us…and in a really cowardly way, too.”

“I’m sorry about what happened here a few nights ago.” He squeezed her hand.

She squeezed his hand back. “We’re really over, aren’t we, though?”

“I think I need some
real
space.”

“I’m so sorry about everything. I know there’s nothing I can say or do to fix it now, but please know that I would do or say anything to make it right, Wes,” she said.

“I know you would, but…” If he let her in for just a moment, just a needle hole size of time, he’d give in to how much he wanted her. “…I’ve been fighting for this for so long, and I’m tired, Lan. And if I stay, which my heart wants me to, I’ll feel like I’m accepting
everything
and I’ll start resenting you and we’ll still be caught in this mess. I’m not doing this to punish you, but there’s just too much pain here right now. I’ve seen what it does long-term to people who stay together. I saw it for eighteen years.”

She wouldn’t look at him, seemingly unwilling to reveal just how bruised she was as a tear fell down her cheek. “I loved you, Wes. I
love
you. I’m sorry I let my fear and doubt ruin it, and I’m going to regret that for a long time...” Lana stroked his face, finally looking up, tears still streaming down her own. “One of these days I hope I can figure out how to draw how beautiful you are…”

“And you better send it to me. I drew your boobs, so I expect you’ll put a little somethin’ extra in mine. One of my
best
features. I love you too, Lan.” Well, he hadn’t been wrong about his summer, maybe except that he hadn’t conquered the world; a hot, little, motorcycle riding beauty had conquered him instead.

Lana laughed but she was trembling as she picked up
Memoirs of a Geisha
. She bit her lip as her eyes scanned the page but she was crying too hard to be reading.

“So, how far into it are you?”

“Not very…” She struggled to keep her voice from breaking.

“Okay,” Wes said as he slinked down next to her, “Can we start at the beginning?” he asked, and they read together until he fell asleep, having barely gotten a comfortable night’s rest the night before. He awoke to the sound of her shower running, and he rolled over to the clock on her nightstand, which had ticked its way well into the afternoon. With a lot of reluctance, he swung his legs to the floor, heavy dread settling over him. Was this really the right thing? Had his parents screwed him up so much that he couldn’t differentiate between accepting pain and actually making steps to forgive it?

Wes walked to the bathroom door and knocked on it. “I need to go. I need to squeeze in a couple hours of surfing today.”

“I still can’t wait to see you kick ass in Padang, Wes. I’m still going to root for you. Don’t let Christian beat you,” she yelled back.

“Mind if I take a leak?”

“Of course not.” And he stepped in, gaze immediately catching her nude body through the shower glass. After he flushed and washed his hands, Wes brushed his teeth with the toothbrush he had started keeping there, but he stuck it into his pocket instead of putting it back.

Wes walked up to the shower, and she slid the door open, a sad smile slowly spread on her face. Neither spoke, but he kissed her and soon he was peeling his clothes off and climbing in. She squealed as he lifted her into a kiss, her legs curling loosely below his butt. With his lips flush against hers, he set her back against the corner and she dropped one of her legs to the tile, while she planted the other against the wall behind him. Wes pressed his fingers into her as Lana held him at the back of his neck, still kissing each other with the same fervent lust they always did.

She gasped against his mouth when he rocked into her, her fingers sinking so deeply into his skin it sparked the increase in Wes’ movements. With their gazes locked, she panted to the rhythm of his strokes, arching off the wall and taking a firm grip on his butt until they both finished with quivering bodies. They had ended how they began. Yet, the urge to touch her didn’t stop, the craving to kiss her didn’t end, and his feelings didn’t dim. But he didn’t doubt for a second that this wasn’t for the best. Two thoughts struck him right away. What were they but every story he had ever read? It had been beautiful, bittersweet and tragic. And the other was that Lana Langston had discovered her weakness…a tattooed, blondie surfer.

“You’re crying…” A crack spiderwebbed deep in his chest when he looked at her damp face once more.

“I’m fine, Wes…” she said before she took his face and slammed it against hers in what was ultimately their last kiss. “I love you. Kick ass in Padang.”

“I will. I love you, too.”
Always.
“Have a great rest of your…”
Day? Life?
“…Everything...”

She sidestepped him and moved to stand under the showerhead’s cascading water, and he stepped out to get dressed. An intense choking sensation caught him once his shoes were on, and the dread only got thicker once he was out of her room.

“Wes Elliott,” Grayson said as he sat up from the couch, “Didn’t even know you were here.”

Wes walked into the kitchen and grabbed a can of his Lava Energy from the fridge; he had started keeping cases there. He was exhausted but he needed to hit the water, to deal, to train, he wasn’t sure. “Yeah, you probably won’t see me back here for a while…” he admitted as he went to join Grayson on the couch, and Grayson sighed, disappointment darkening his eyes.

“Hey, what did you mean when you said she was a tornado?”

“Mesmerizing
as hell
to look at, but dangerous
as fuck
when you are in its path.” He dropped his hand on Wes’ shoulder. “You can admit it now, Wes. She’s the worst thing to ever happen to you…but in a way, I think you were absolutely the same for her.”             

*

              But Grayson was wrong.

She wasn’t the worst thing to happen to him. The problem with mourning a breakup is that you spent so much time focused on the introduction of the bad things at the beginning that you forgot about the loss of the good ones. And this turned out to be even worse than when he was partying, knowing that they wouldn’t be reading together anymore, he wouldn’t watch her painting on his balcony in one of his shirts the few times he had or look deep into her eyes and stroke her face during moments of intimacy.

It fucking sucked.

There was no other way to describe it. It just fucking sucked. So he shut down and shut it out for the two weeks before the Ridley Pro. He busied himself by following the firing waves along the So Cal coast and in Mexico, anything where he could barreled.

“Dude, you’re still drinking that stuff? When did you last sleep or have a decent meal, Deuce?” Abel said when he walked into the kitchen, swinging his arm around in a rotation with a wince on his face.

“We’re going to Bali at the end of the week, remember? I’ve had to do a lot in a little bit of time.” Wes downed the rest of his Lava can as he scanned the surfing forecast for several beaches in the area with an app on his phone. “Shoulder still acting up?”

Abel grabbed a nutrition bar from the cabinet and a bottle of water from the fridge. “Yeah. I’ll go to the doctor when we get back. I don’t want to keep taking the Vicos. Where are we going today?”

“Sherman,” Wes muttered.

“Er, are you serious?” Abel asked. “You really want to take on eight-footers today?”

“Yes. Very serious. Best waves I can get, bro. Actual barrels.”

“Is this still about Lana?”

“Yes, but—”

“Do you really have the stamina to keep up with it today? Dude, you’ve barely been eating. I hear you leave every morning and you’re out there for hours. Then you come back and pass out for hours. ”

“You know what these are called, right?” Wes said, holding up his empty Lava. “And I ate. I swear to God, mother, I just inhaled like five thousand calories. Check the garbage can if you don’t believe me.”

“I’m coming with you.”

“No.”

“If you’re insisting on trying to kill yourself, I’m coming with you, bro. You’re not going out to Sherman as distracted as you are, by yourself. Plain and simple.”

“I’m not going alone; Christian’s coming, and Jase and Paul are coming ‘cause Jase wants to film me. Fine, I know you won’t shut up, so come, but the guys’ll be here in fifteen minutes.”

Abel was accurate in his summation that Wes wasn’t focused, and he was drained from exerting himself so hard all week, coupled with the damage he’d been doing to his body for several weeks before that.

Wedged in between Jase and Paul in shallow water, he watched Abel completely dominate swelling barrels, swiftly gliding through them before the waves collapsed behind him. Okay, so
maybe
Abel kicked ass. Sometimes. Barrels Wes easily should’ve maneuvered through, however, were swamping him one after the other. His brain was so muddled between thoughts of how Lana was doing and fear of embarrassing himself in Padang. He was frazzled, his muscles were trembling in their weakness and the pressure of exhaustion was building behind his eyes.

“Come on, push it, Deuce!” Abel said to him as he floated on his board to where he, Jase and Paul were.

“Push? He can barely paddle,” Jase said, and Wes gave him the finger as he propelled himself into the action. He cheered as he watched Christian flip off the lip of a wave and swing into an aerial to his left. Wes steered the surfboard through the forming tube, dragging his fingers along the side to slow the ride in the hollow before he slid out to move on to the next barrels.