Reckless Secrets (27 page)

"They blow shit up."

I stared at Dex. "What?"

"Yeah, you should try it. It's fun. Very cathartic." He jumped up and grabbed his laptop. "Much better than wallowing like girls do. When you came in, I was playing League of Legends, LoL as we like to call it. It's an international game. But we're having a campus tournament. All the players are students here.

"My team is playing this team we've played several times earlier in the semester. They're good—strategic and diabolical. Especially Falcon26. That's his screen name. He's their star." Dex grinned at me. "But we're going to beat the suckers. Want to play? It will take your mind off things."

"I don't know anything about playing video games. Won't I bring you down?"

Dex shrugged. "It's only a game. It will make you feel better. I promise. Besides, we're short one player since Cramer decided he's too far behind on his studies to play."

I sighed.

"Get your laptop. The game's a free download. I'll get you set up."

And he did. "What do you want for a screen name? It can be anything. Just make something up."

"FrontGirl." The name just popped into my head, but it was the truth—I was Jason Front's girl, the Front girl. Which was the source of all my problems right now.

The idea of the game was to blow people up and win gold to buy things like potions and spells so you could take over the other team's tower.
 

Dex helped me pick a champion, a character that you play. I chose the Lady of Luminosity. She looked happy, all radiance and light, the complete opposite of me.

I sat next to Dex and stumbled my way around the game as Dex became completely engrossed. "Oh, crap. Here comes Falcon26 playing Jayce, Defender of Tomorrow. He's cunning and dangerous."

"He's handsome," I said.

"You
would
think so. Keep your mind on the game. Aren't you off men?" Dex rolled his eyes. "Watch out! He's at your back, ready to attack with his hammer."

I spun around. Players could send each other messages during the game. As I faced Falcon26, he stopped right in front of me.

"What is he doing?" Dex said.

A message popped up on my screen.
Hey, are you really a chick?

I looked at Dex. "Duh. My screen name's Front
Girl
."

"We don't get many girls playing," Dex said. "He's probably just surprised. And wants to make sure you're not some dude with a bad sense of humor."

"You mean guys are usually behind these girl champions?"

Dex nodded.

I typed back a reply.
Yeah, what of it?

Don't attack head on. Go back and buy more health potion first.

I showed the response to Dex. "Is he right?"

Dex frowned. "He sure is. Shit, Ellie. You may be my secret weapon. The real guy who plays Jayce has never shown any mercy before. Back your character off and do what he says while I think of a way to exploit his weakness." Dex turned back to his game, fighting off an enemy champion from the other team.

I replied.
Thanks. I owe you one.

I went off to win gold and buy health potion at the market. I wished they had a love potion. Or maybe a make-things-right potion. When I returned to the heat of the battle with my potion, Falcon26 backed off and coached me again. For the entire game, he gave me almost more help than Dex did. When the game ended less than an hour later, we were victorious, largely thanks to Falcon26.

Falcon26 sent me a message.
Nice game
,
FrontGirl.
I demand a rematch. Be my friend?

"What does that mean?" I asked Dex.

"You have access to your friends' status and can see if they're online playing the game. It makes it easier to schedule matches or for impromptu games."

"What should I do?" I asked him.

"Friend him. I want to see how he coaches you if he ever makes good on his promise to play you again."

I shrugged and typed.
Sure.

Dex showed me how to accept the friend request. "We won! You upset Falcon26 with your feminine charms. I've never seen him falter or show mercy before." Dex gave me a high-five.

"Yeah, I'm really hot when I'm drawn like the Lady of Luminosity." I pointed to the outrageously stacked character on my screen. She would probably have been like a 34GG cup size if she'd been real. With a twenty-two-inch waist.

"Next time pick a character with less clothes on. That will really rattle him." Dex paused like he was thinking. "I should pretend to be a girl next time. I don't know why I didn't think of it before."

I shook my head. "It won't work. You'd have to change your screen name. And you play too well to be a girl. You'd never carry it off."
 

"Is that a compliment?"

I shook my head. "Did I say that? I meant to say, do you really want a guy hitting on you, even during a video game? I don't think you have the flirting chops for it. There's skill involved in seduction." I looked at the time. It was getting late. "I'd better go."

Dex nodded. "I was right—playing helped. You feel better."

Not really. The game had only temporarily distracted me. But I nodded for Dex's benefit.

"Hey, you want to be on our team for the rest of the tournament? It's double elimination. We're going to play these guys again."

"Okay. Anytime you play them," I said. "Dex?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask a favor?" I grabbed my coat.

"Sure."

"Call off the chem class game of Where's Ellie."

He wrinkled his nose and opened his mouth to speak.

"I'm not finished. That's not the favor," I said. "Come with me when I tell Byron to stop writing me love notes?" My voice trembled. Logan was supposed to be the one who went with me and played hero.

Dex looked touched. "Sure. But only if Logan doesn't step back in before then."

I'd seen the look on Logan's face. He wasn't coming back. "We'll do it Tuesday during my regular study time with him."

Dex nodded again. "Sure thing, Ellie. Can I bring my potato gun, in case it gets ugly?" He winked to let me know he was joking.

"Just bring your wit and your brawn." I slipped my coat on and stood to leave. "That will be enough."

He flexed his bicep. "You got it." Dex grabbed his coat. "I'll walk you home."

I stumbled into bed and had the longest night of my life. Bre was spending the night with Dan, which was just as well. I wanted to be alone while I cried my heart out. I was back in that black hole where I'd gone after catching Mom and Austin together. But this was worse. I had thought I was in love with Austin, but I had been wrong. I'd only had a crush on him. The horror I felt was mostly due to Mom. But I loved Logan, with all my being. Losing him left a hole in me.
 

After Mom betrayed me, I had a purpose—find my bio dad. And a hope—that my dad would be worth finding, that I could be part of a family with him. And Jason had turned out to be a great guy. But had we just blown any chance of being a family? Why was there always a downside to happiness?

I tossed and turned. Cried. Cried some more. Ached with longing for Logan. I even worried that I wouldn't have any friends left when I finally came clean with them.
 

I didn't remember falling asleep, but I must have. I woke with Bre peering anxiously over me, still dressed in her clothes from the night before. "What happened? You look terrible."

"Bre?" I squinted at her. The sunlight coming through a crack in the curtains hurt my eyes.

"Oh, crap, that's a big-ass fight look. This can only be about Logan," she said. "Hold on." She went to the sink and ran me a glass of water, then grabbed me an ibuprofen. She handed them to me when I sat up. "You're going to need these." She hesitated. "Have you been crying
all
night?"

"As much of it as I remember." I swallowed the pill she'd handed me, draining the water along with it. She took the glass from me and set it by the sink.

"What time is it?" I glanced at the clock. I'd missed chemistry.

Someone knocked on the door. Bre went to answer it.
 

Tay popped in. "Is everything okay? Ellie didn't stop by for her morning coffee." And then she spotted me and mumbled something choice beneath her breath. "Are you sick? Do you want us to take you to Student Death? I'm sure they'll be happy to finish you off."

Bre shot her a look and mouthed Logan's name.

"Oh." Tay nodded.

"Look, I have something I have to tell all of you," I said, brushing the hair out of my eyes. Even after a whole glass of water, my mouth felt dry and my tongue thick. "Is Nic around? It would be easier to tell you all at once."

Tay nodded and ran off to get her. Minutes later they were back sitting in a row on Bre's bed. I launched into my story.
 

"Oh my God, Ellie! That is…" Bre shook her head.
 

"Awesome," Nic finished for her, giving her a dirty look that told her to shut up. "About your dad. Quite a tale, but you have a dad!" Her eyes lit up. "A good one."

Tay nodded her agreement. "Yeah!"

"Maybe," I said. "He might hate me now."

Bre joined in, shaking her head. "Not if he's the kind of guy you say he is."

"You guys aren't mad that I didn't tell you?" I couldn't believe it.

Nic shook her head. "No. Should we be? It's your business. What if you had been wrong and Jason wasn't your dad?" She shrugged. "He's entitled to his privacy, and you yours. You got caught in a trap, that's all."

"I only wish we could have been here to help you," Tay said. "I'm sorry you had to suffer alone."

My eyes welled with tears again. I'd misjudged them. "Thank you," I whispered.

"Yeah, and Logan should feel the same way." Bre was adamant.

Nic shook her head, warning Bre off. "He's in a different position than we are. I'm not going to judge him. I just wish his reaction didn't hurt you, Ellie."

"What should I do about Logan?" I asked, sounding pitiful and needy. "I should be there for him."

"Give him time," Tay said.

My phone buzzed on the dresser where I'd left it. I dove for it way too eagerly. A text from Jason. My heart fell. My hands shook. I made myself read it.

I'm sorry for the way things happened yesterday. Lyssa and I have talked. I explained things. I think things are going to be okay. It may take time before we'll feel like a real family, but I think we'll get there. Lyssa will come around. See you at work.

I started crying again. I handed the phone to Tay. She read the message to the group.

"Things are looking up already," she said in a voice too chipper to sound completely convincing.

I had to resist texting Logan again. It was clear he didn't want to hear from me. Everyone agreed he needed time. After Austin cheated on me, he texted me repeatedly. And I really hadn't wanted to talk to him. I knew how he felt now, at least to a degree. I craved forgiveness. I wanted Logan back so desperately I could almost taste it. I hadn't done anything as hideous as Austin had, but I knew Logan felt betrayed all the same. And remembering how I'd felt, I also realized that texting would only upset him.

When I opened my backpack to get ready for class, it smelled like roses. The battered red rose from Logan peeked out at me. I cried again. I should have thrown that rose out, taken it to the garbage downstairs, out of my sight. But I didn't. I couldn't. I handled it gently, cupping it back together with my hand. I found a thumbtack and hung it by a string upside down in the corner of the room to dry. To haunt me.

I went to work that afternoon full of nerves, dreading it and wanting to see Logan in the worst way possible. Karen was quiet and sympathetic, kind and gentle with me as she handed me the list of repairs for the RTAs to handle. When I pulled up their schedules to make assignments, Logan's name was missing from the list of available techs. Before I could ask Karen why, Jason came in from a meeting in another building.