Rebirth (8 page)

The bumpy ride over the hardened dirt wasn’t exactly a good idea, but Sid took it slow. The sun would set in a couple of hours so we’d try to get in and out within a reasonable time, so not to have to navigate the dark.

Once inside we pushed on with our chores but all the while I was feeling guilty for having left Seth on his own, in that house, with Earl, Kevin and Fred there to bully him. Suddenly, and for whatever reason that passage from Earl’s notebook popped into my head, and reminded me why I might be feeling uneasy over leaving him on his own.

Chapter Seventeen

The trip back through the field on the ATV left me terribly anxious. I was convinced something awful was unfolding back at the house. At my insistence we pulled up to the front door and rushed inside.

“Seth!” I called as we poured into the front hall. “Seth, are you in here?” No answer. Then an ache struck my abdomen, travelling from one side to the other and back again. I fell to my knees from the pain, Sid and Caroline on either side of me.

“Is it the baby, Sara?” asked Sid as he helped me up.

“Of course it’s the baby,” Caroline said as she held my other arm. “It could come any time now.”

“Do you want to lay down, Sara?” Sid was practically dragging me to the living room.

“Sure.” I felt too weak to argue. “Can you please look for Seth?”

“Sure, Sara, Sid will look for him and I’ll stay with you,” Caroline soothed while Sid left the room.

“If they’ve done anything to Seth….” I screeched through the pain.

“I’m sure he’s fine.” Caroline helped me recline on the couch. “Is this a contraction, do you think?”

“Maybe.” I doubled over again and grasped my belly. “Oh, shit, Caroline it hurts like hell.”

“I think you might be having that baby.”

“Get me upstairs.”

Caroline slowly assisted me up the stairs to Joel’s room.

“I want Seth! Where is Seth!” It sounded pathetic, but I couldn’t help myself. Pain and anxiety were tearing me apart.

“Don’t panic, Sara.”

“Get me boiled water and towels, Caroline, and scissors and something to clamp off the umbilical.” These were some of the things I’d trained myself to ask for when the big moment arrived.

Sidney appeared a second later. “The entire house is empty, I-” he stopped himself. “Shit, are you having that baby?” He looked scared to death. Was it the current situation or something else? Again the pain struck. Such pressure. All other thoughts and concerns flew from my mind. I concentrated on the pressure and my breathing. I couldn’t believe it was going to happen. I knew from experience these things usually took much longer to progress, especially with a first child, and I was worried at the close proximity of the contractions to one another. Maybe something was wrong. But this baby wanted out, immediately.

“She’s having her baby,” Caroline hissed excitedly as she rushed past him with the pot of water and towels in hand. We had decided earlier that we wouldn’t tell the others when the birth was taking place. I didn’t want any of them involved, so we’d made this pact to do it alone. I looked again for Seth, the only other person I wanted to see right now, but there was no sign of him. Just Sidney standing awkwardly in the hall, the blood draining from his face.

“Jesus, really, Sara? Isn’t this early?” he wondered aloud.

“I think so, but then, what do I know?” I moaned. The pain was just bearable. I knew it would become increasingly worse as the night went on, and from the way the first contractions felt, I wasn’t looking forward to the big ones!

“Wow, Sara…” Caroline was so happy for me, for us, it made me weepy. My hormones had been all over the place the last week as well. Perhaps I should have known this would happen sooner rather than later. Where was Seth? He’d been my rock through so much of my pregnancy. I summoned the memory of his kind smile and voice repeating, “It’ll be okay. Everything will be fine”.

The labor went on for most of the night. Caroline read anxiously through the same pages of a medical textbook I’d perused countless times the past few months. Sid was in and out of the bedroom repeatedly throughout the night to check on whether anyone had resurfaced. Each time he reported the same news. No one. The rest of the house was empty.

“Check my dilation again, Caroline” I begged as the pain worsened. She lifted the blankets and placed her gloved finger inside me. I knew this was hard for her, but I think she appreciated just how much harder it was for me.

“I don’t know, Sara, it feels somewhere between a cheerio and the hole of a bagel, maybe seven centimeters? Three more and you’re good to go.” Her head shot back to the closed door where Sid stood guard. “What was that?” she whispered to him.

“I’ll check it out. Try to be quiet.”

We’d all heard it. A door had slammed; maybe the front door. Sidney closed the bedroom door behind him. We listened as he descended the stairs to the front hall. Caroline looked back at me.

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” she said. “You’re doing great, Sara. I bet you’ll have this baby out in a couple of hours.”

It had been six hours already, and honestly, I didn’t know how much longer I could keep this up without screaming. The pain of the contractions had increased enormously, and I dreaded the actual pushing. I had almost asked Caroline to light me the pipe, Joel’s pot pipe, to take the edge off, but never did. Women had been delivering babies for ages before pain relievers became the delivery room standard. I could do it, but I would have to be strong, stronger than I’d ever been before.

Another violent burning sensation forced my back to arch as I let out a pained cry. Jesus, would it ever let up? Caroline tried to sooth me.

“Is there anything more I can do to help? Do you want a couple of aspirin?”

“Thins the blood,” I said automatically. I’d already reviewed all of my options in pain management and none that we had on hand offered any relief for childbirth. The pot would be my best choice, but I didn’t want to bring my baby into the world high. Since Joel’s descent into madness or depression or both, I’d been very careful to stay away from the stuff too.

Sid reappeared a moment later. “I don’t see anyone, anywhere.” He looked alarmed as well as confused.

“Let’s not worry about them. We’ve got a long night ahead of us,” Caroline urged.

“I don’t think I can do this,” I cried through heavy breaths. “It’s too painful.”

“You can do this, Sara, you are doing it, and we’ll be right here every step of the way.” I caught a look of passing panic in her eyes, but that was quickly replaced with a steely stare that evoked a quiet confidence. I was in good hands, but wished I could be on both sides of the action.

“Sid, take Sara’s hand,” she ordered in a whisper. Sid rounded the bed and sat next to me. I grabbed at his right hand and squeezed down hard as another contraction overtook me.

The evening turned into night and still, no baby. At roughly midnight the pushing began. “I have to push!” I pleaded. “I have to!”

“You’re fully dilated, Sara.” Caroline smiled triumphantly and removed her finger once more. “PUSH!” she urged. “PUSH!”

I brought my legs up to my chest, pulling them against my sides with both arms, my muscles straining as I pushed with all my might. Sid was standing next to me, silently patting my forehead with the same wet towel I’d been sucking on to stay hydrated while Caroline coached me. I forgot my earlier resolve to keep the procedure secret, and openly cursed, shouted, ranted and hated the whole experience. My sheets were absolutely soaked in sweat, I was dehydrated and beginning to worry after the first hour whether this baby was going to require a C-section. I put that thought out of my mind, as no one here could perform that with any level of success. Any attempt would definitely kill me, and likely the baby. Not that either of my friends could have brought themselves to cut me open. This was going to happen the old fashioned way, no ifs, ands or buts about it.

Suddenly Caroline declared that she could see the head. A wave of relief overtook me, offering a reprieve from the painful work. That my baby wasn’t facing the other way gave me cause for thanks.

“Lots of hair,” she noted, sweat glistening on her face as she looked up at me from her position between my legs. “Could be a girl!” But I knew it was a boy.

From the moment she announced the appearance of his head, it was just a few more minutes of pushing before my baby was born.

It was two hours to the minute, five months to the day that Joel had left me. A bittersweet birthday, that his son should be born on the day his father passed away into the dark, forever.

The baby cried as Caroline struggled to cut the cord and clean him off. Thank God he was healthy. If he’d required any medical assistance he might not have made it past his first day.

“Seven months.” Sid recalled the brief length of my pregnancy, looking incredulously at the new life in my arms. “Lucky number.” We all smiled. In fact, I couldn’t will the smile off my face. I stared at the tiny baby in my arms with a love that could not be spoken. A little me. A little Joel.

The placenta came out moments after. It was a bizarre thing to behold, resembling a giant organ, with delicate, dark veins running through it. Caroline pulled it gently with the umbilical cord. This part too was painful, but after the relief of finally having the baby out of me, I pushed bravely through my tears of happiness.

I was lucky: no tearing. He was small enough at just seven months not to have done any collateral damage to his mother.

I spent the rest of the day in bed, recuperating, drinking fluids, tended to by Caroline. The baby, Leif, as I’d named him, after my father, rested comfortably beside me. Lucky again to have a healthy baby boy that even at one or two months premature had no trouble breathing. I wondered that something so small and helpless could be alive. But there he was. His eyes opened briefly and although I knew he could only make out shapes at this age, it was as though we made eye contact. He knew, and I knew, we were both in this together. I had brought a new life into this crazy world, one that depended on me for its very survival. And survival was top-of-mind for all of us. With that in mind, I set my sights on feeding him. With no formula for him, I knew it was breast milk or bust. I brought his tiny head to my left breast, expecting him to latch on immediately. Instead, he turned his face away and began to cry.

Each time I put him to my breast, his tiny mouth was unable to navigate my nipple.

“This isn’t working,” I said to Caroline, frustrated. “He’s not getting anything to eat.” I was becoming frantic.

“We’ll get there, Sara. He’s going to have to take it eventually.”

My mind suddenly wandered to thoughts of Seth. “Has Sid located anyone yet? Seth?”

“No. It’s really weird, right? None of them.”

“Why would Seth go off with those animals?”

“I don’t know.” A shared fear mounted between us as we came to the same conclusion. I shook my head and pulled my baby a little closer to my face.

“Sid will find him, Sara. Just concentrate on Leif.” She got up from her seated position on the bed beside me and left the room, closing the door softly. With Leif nestled firmly in my arms, I fell asleep, exhausted, but deeply in love.

*****

Sid was out of breath and soaked to the bone. Caroline was trailing as they entered my bedroom. He had found Seth and confirmed the return of the others to Skylab.

“I’m so sorry, Sara.” He pushed the hair out of my face, kneeling at my bedside. His hands were hot, but wet. Instantly I knew what had happened. Seth was dead. I would never see him again. Another bloody senseless tragedy. Just as one little life was beginning another had ended. What had I done? Why had I brought a child into this madness? I closed my eyes and wept openly. Caroline lifted the baby out of my arms and handed him to Sid. She crawled in next to me and hugged me until my convulsive, breathless weeping exhausted us both and sleep overcame us. But just as I was about to drift off, I tried Leif once again at my breast. He took it in his tiny mouth, and sucked for dear life. It was do or die for all of us now. Perhaps he sensed this too.

Chapter Eighteen

The next morning Sidney shakily related the gruesome discovery of Seth. After searching fruitlessly within the house he had decided to try the forest behind the backyard, toward the shed. Grave markers of friends long since dead gave him an eerie feeling of dread as he continued past them. It was dark, but the moon was occasionally granted an audience as the dense groupings of clouds moved swiftly by. As Sidney approached the outer reaches of our property, he heard a strange sound. Though the wind had picked up considerably, he hadn’t noticed the trees bending in any noticeable fashion. The sound became louder the closer he moved toward the shed. It resembled the sound you might experience if you were sitting on a tire swing, gently moving yourself back and forth on your heels as the rope stretched and pulled against a large branch of a tree. At least, that’s how Sidney described it. For a long moment Sid stood listening, his semi-automatic poised, but the sound just kept on, lethargic in its repetition. He continued, slowly, cautiously on the path he had started.