Rebirth (7 page)

Finally, after facing the leader of the flag army once more, Earl pulled his sidearm and shot Gareth in the head, just as Connor had been executed. Freddy then untied Gareth and Earl went to work on the corpse.

“Jesus, Sonny,” I choked. “That’s horrifying.”

“Yeah, pretty fucking sick.”

“What are we going to do about him?” He knew who I meant: Earl.

“I don’t know anymore.” He was distraught. “I’m not taking sides. I’m leaving.”

He said he wanted to resume his long-abandoned search for Tom, a friend who we’d lost during those first crucial hours after the bombs had dropped. Tom was a gawky looking kid, his eyes too big for his face, his teeth misshapen and his self-esteem non-existent. Sonny was looking for purpose again, some semblance of reason to go on. I pleaded with him to stay, to watch over me and the baby.

“Sonny, I - I’m so sorry things between us got so messed up. But you see now, you see what Earl is. He’s sick!”

“I see that. I guess I always knew that, Sara. But after Connor, and Joel….” He trailed off. “After the flags and everything went to shit, after all we’d accomplished here. I just needed someone to tell me it was alright to take revenge.”

I placed a hand on his shoulder. “Sonny, I’m scared for us. I need you to stay.” I wiped away a tear with my other hand.

Sonny gently removed my hand. “Sara, I’m not staying. I can’t.”

“I’m begging you, Sonny.” I began to cry. “He’ll kill us all, eventually. He’ll write a reason in his journal and then he’ll carry it out.” Sonny’s heavy hand touched my head gently.

“There’s nothing for me here, Sara.”

I couldn’t argue that there was nothing here, but what was there beyond here? Part of him had died when Connor and Joel died, the other part perished during that trip he had taken with Earl to exact revenge. We were all dying inside. How much more could any of us take? I resigned myself to his departure.

“Come with me.” He suggested.

“Where would we go?” I asked.

“East. Tom had family on the east coast. And then we could find a boat. And then…”

“And then?”

“Then we’ll sail it.” He turned to look at the house and breathed deeply. Looking back at me his gaze lingered. “You’re not coming, are you, Sara?” He smiled sadly then.

A journey like that was not something I could manage while pregnant. Open to the elements, food and shelter uncertain from day to day. “I’ll miss you, Sonny.”

“Don’t,” he said, before he turned and entered the house for the last time. I would never see Sonny again.

Chapter Fourteen

Caroline had not recovered from the attack, and her deep depression left Sid with little to work with.

“I don’t know what’s going on, Sara. Caroline won’t so much as let me touch her. Has she said anything to you?” Sid sat with me on the edge of my bed, where I huddled and fought back pregnancy-related nausea.

“The episode.” I kept up the lie. “She’s still shaken from her episode last week. She’d never experienced anything like that before and she’s afraid it could happen again.” I was becoming an excellent liar. Not something I was particularly proud of, but necessary to keep a promise to a friend.

“I can’t seem to reason with her and it’s scaring me you know? I feel like Connor must have felt when Julia was so depressed.” Our friend Julia, a former resident of this home and my very best friend, had cut her own wrists months ago to avoid bringing a child into this world. This memory haunted me more than ever, having now become pregnant myself and experiencing the same sad thoughts.

“Sidney, give her some time. I’ll continue to talk with her, you just be her rock until she can open up to you again.”

“I guess. I miss her though.”

“I know you do. I miss the old Caroline too. Be patient, okay?”

“I will. Thanks, Sara.” Sid left me to my thoughts. I was sitting up in bed, caressing my ever expanding stomach. What would my baby look like, I wondered. God I hoped it would be healthy. Who knew what the last few months could do to a fetus. I put those thoughts out of my mind and decided he would be a he, and that he would look like Joel. Ten fingers, ten toes, bald, and terribly handsome. I smiled and realized I was looking forward to meeting him. But what would I call him? I had no names picked. Should I call him Joel after his father? No, I decided that would be too painful. Maybe I’d name him after my own father, Leif. That was a strong name, and he would need all the strength he could get.

Just then Kevin appeared at my door. “Sara,” he said flatly, “Earl would like your ear.”

“Then tell Earl to come see me. I’m not jumping every time he calls.”

“I’ll let him know.”

I wasn’t looking forward to facing Earl one on one. We were used to arguing with each other now over just about everything, but in front of everyone, never just the two of us. I felt an urge to get up and call Sid back into the room when Earl’s frame blocked the doorway.

Chapter Fifteen

“Earl.” I greeted him uncomfortably. His hands were hanging from the top of the door frame and his feet jammed up against either side of the opening as if to fill the space completely.

“Sara. Can we talk about this baby of yours?”

“I see no reason to discuss that with you,” I shot back.

“No reason? I’m the one protecting this house; you have every reason to discuss this with me.”

“We’re all, all of us protecting this house, Earl. Not just you!”

“Sara. Who’s in charge here? Who in your mind is leading this group now?”

“Not you.”

“Oh, no? Then who? Who lives in Skylab, keeping watch day and night?”

“That’s your choice to live there. The rest of us are doing our part too.”

“Let’s not just agree to disagree this time, Sara. I need you to acknowledge my leadership so we can move forward.” He motioned toward me, trying to intimidate me. I wasn’t scared of Earl, though maybe I should have been after what he did to Caroline and Gareth. But, for some reason, Earl was still just Earl to me, my boyfriend’s sycophant.

“You won’t get that out of me, Earl.”

“Why do you hate me so much, Sara? Why, after all I’ve managed to accomplish here, why do you hate me so much?” His voice lowered to a menacing hiss.

“Are you kidding, Earl? You know exactly why I hate you. You, Kevin and Fred.” His eyes narrowed as he understood.

“So, you know.” He stood upright and his hands shot down to his sides. “Get over yourself, you little bitch! She wanted it! And that’s between her and me.”

My eyes widened and he knew he’d said the wrong thing to the wrong person. He took a step back as I got to my feet. I slammed my open palms against his chest and shoved him out the door. “You just pray I don’t tell Sid and Seth. Caroline asked me to promise. But I’m rethinking the whole thing now.”

“Careful, Sara. You be careful what you say to who.” His finger was in my face. I slapped it away. “I’m the leader of this group now,” he hissed through clenched teeth. “You get comfortable with it. Disrespect me again and I’ll show you what it is to go against me.”

I slammed the door and paced. I could hear the addition door slam also. I fanned my face and sat on the bed, breathing deeply and exhaling slowly. We had to remove Earl altogether. But how?

Chapter Sixteen

We spent the ensuing months tending the barn garden, collecting seeds from the plants and replanting them. This garden had been nothing less than a miraculous discovery during the early days after the Reaper had struck. In the midst of all of the chaos, we discovered a barn facility, untouched by the fall out, complete with hydroponics equipment and a lifetime of marijuana. What had been someone’s (perhaps the government’s, based on the size and level of operation) enterprise had become our lifesaver. We had replaced the marijuana with vegetable seeds we’d scavenged from hardware and department stores, and began using the barn garden as a source for fresh vegetables and fruit. The barn had a similar setup to Joel’s house, boasting a private well to feed the crop and a generator that ran on the same fuel we used at the house. Without the hydroponic garden we would surely have suffered a bout of scurvy or worse, seeing how the last of our canned fruits and veggies had been consumed within the first year. At just a few minutes’ drive from the house on the ATV, the barn was a welcome change of pace from the stresses at home.

When I wasn’t in the barn garden, helping out, sorting seeds or checking hoses I’d spend time alone, usually in the bathroom adjacent to Joel’s room, staring into the shattered mirror as my hand gently caressed my baby bump.

More often than not I would cry. Not because my pregnancy upset me, or that my hormones were getting the better of me, but because I missed Joel, my baby’s father. That the baby would grow up without a dad made me anxious. Then again, if he had survived, what irreparable damage would he have suffered and how would his pain translate to his child? Jesus, I was studying myself in the very mirror he’d smashed the night he chose to take his own life.

The bump had grown slowly in the last couple of months. With these limited resources, I didn’t have the privilege of eating whatever I craved. Had that been the case, I was sure I would have been bigger by now. Still, I tried to eat as well and as often as I could and the size of my belly had proven that my attempts at proper nutrition were at least growing something in there.

Nothing made me happier than feeling my baby move. It was a constant source of relief for me. In our present circumstances, with no vitamins and barely any meat products save the recent stash of jerky Earl had found in an abandoned trailer, my diet consisted of berries, lettuce, and canned beans for the most part. Feeling the baby move inside me was an experience I often enjoyed alone. I would think of Joel then as well. Imagining his hand on my belly, with mine guiding his to the kicks and punches.

Six months into my pregnancy (or so was my best guess), I was really showing. My lower back ached even when I sat down. Caroline remembered her stepsister lying on her side with a pillow between her legs when she was pregnant years before. I gave it a shot, and it did help some in relieving the constant pressure.

“Thanks, Caroline.”

“Anything I can do to help!” Mercifully, Caroline had come around a couple of months ago. We had a real breakthrough session that put a smile back on her face and love back into her heart. Sid was thankful. He had endured a lot those past months and with little to no explanation as to why. He was an excellent boyfriend.

Seth, to his great shame, had slipped on something in the kitchen and bruised his tailbone on the tile. He was mostly couch-ridden, seated on a collection of pillows to keep him from resting directly on his bruise. We watched movie after movie on DVD together, me pregnant and him an invalid. I loved Seth, and he loved spending time with me. I would say that our time together those days meant more to me than he could ever imagine.

Unfortunately, despite the good times spent with Caroline, Sid and Seth, things had remained as tense as ever with Earl. I was wondering how much more of him I could bear, and carefully weighing my options.

He and his group remained in Skylab, caressing their guns and counting their bullets. They’d moved a TV and DVD player up to the addition as well. We’d split the movies, seeing each other only in passing or to swap one film for another.

I knew eventually I’d need to make a move. But for now, I let my body do its work. The life growing inside me was all that mattered. I almost couldn’t believe it was a real human being alive inside me. I longed for an ultrasound, if only to prove to myself that it was really happening, although the occasional kick to my ribs or organs assured me it was. Still, without an image or face, I already felt the inherent need to protect my child, this little person was a part of me. So I waited. And I grew.

*****

I was getting a little stir-crazy at what I’d decided was nearing the seventh month of my pregnancy. My belly seemed to have dropped dramatically in the past week and I’d felt a greater stress on my hips. I was honestly waddling around the house, legs bowing as though to clear a path should the baby decide at any moment to drop out of me.

“We’re heading to the garden, Sara. You good here with Seth?” Sidney and Caroline were dressing for the strangely cool weather in the front hall.

“Actually, mind if I come along?”

“Not at all. Is Seth good here on his own?”

“I can’t see why not.” I stepped into the family room. “Seth, mind if I go to the barn with these two? I need an escape for a couple of hours.”

“You’re going to miss the movie!” he shouted from his plush throne. I smiled at him. “Go on.” He waved me away. “We’ve both seen it like, 10 times in the past year. I’m good.”

“Thanks, Seth. We won’t be long, honest, and then we’ll watch it again, okay?” I laid a hand on his shoulder and he reached up with his, before I followed the other two out of the house. I hopped on the ATV and we pushed out across the field towards the barn.