Rebel Without a Cause (14 page)

There was a fellow named Mick who had an old Chevvy that we’d ride around in and go up and down the big hills fast. There used to be a lot of girls around there too and we had a lot of fun taking them for rides in the old Chevvy.

Toby’s father liked hunting. He used to raise rabbits simply for
the pleasure of letting them loose and then hunting them down. After he killed some we’d all have a big feast. One time we went to a carnival, me and my sister and this Toby’s uncle. He took us into town and all he did was drink. I saved him from some of those sucker games. I told him how they work. It seems to me that anybody grabbing them is just a sucker. When I got home that night I remember I slept out in the grass.

I recall that me and Mick’s brother went to see a fellow and we were in there talking about nothing at all. This fellow insulted Mick and I said something back to him and he got sore, so he started chasing us with a shotgun and we ran right through a big field of corn.

I like the country out there and I always thought I could maneuver around to fix myself with a small income, not very much, since I’d rather be up there than down in the city. There are too many people in the city, too crowded and too noisy; they run back and forth and you don’t know your next door neighbors. Out there in the country you get acquainted easily, you know everyone and everyone knows you.

I only had a couple of fights up there. One was with a big fellow about my age who weighed more than I did. He came from the city to see someone for a week or so. He made a nasty crack about my sister and when I heard about it I started to pick an argument with him. I was afraid of him but I had to do something when I found out that he said something about my sister. So we started to argue back and forth and we started wrestling and I fell down and hit my head on a stone. Then we started arguing again and talking back and forth and he denied he said anything. Then another fellow verified it right in front of me. I stood on a step a few inches higher than him and I was scared and didn’t know what do do. So I hit out and hit him right on the chin and he staggered back about ten feet and went down on one knee and I got more scared and I tried sic-cing the dog on him but the dog wouldn’t do anything and I didn’t know what else to do. So I knocked him down and I managed to get on top of him and I started beating him with my fists. I felt awful weak and tired but I kept hitting at him. I don’t know what happened then. I think some other fellows came along and pulled me off him.

Another time I had a fight with Steve. He said something about my eyes and I hit him twice. He laid down and after that we were
good friends. We never said anything about it, never even mentioned it after that.

I got along with most of the fellows after that out there. I remember I used to wear different kind of clothes than these fellows had. My clothes were clean after I finished working even. I had a big wide belt with a lot of glass jewelry on it. When I couldn’t get out of going to church I dressed neatly to look my best and when I went there I would make eyes at the girls, looking at their hats or their hair. They’d feel self-conscious or something and I would laugh up my sleeve. They’d look like they were trying to shrink away.

There was a fellow there who owned a garage. He was making a racing car, a sporty racer with curves. The wheels were small and it had mudguards and fenders and everything. Every time I saw it I would want one like it. There was a race-track nearby where they ran trotters and even cars and they would broadcast the races. I used to listen to the broadcasts but when I was working my aunt wouldn’t let me talk about it or even see it.

My aunt is a fine woman only she’s quick-tempered and hard as steel. I guess she works too much. Most of those people there seem to me to be wasting their lives working, working, working all the time. It finally ends up where they haven’t got anything. That’s why when the opportunity afforded for me to come to you and get straightened around and study and accomplish something I was willing to do it. I don’t mind work, but when you waddle around in dirt all your life that’s a different matter. I’ve seen my uncle doing it year after year and he still hasn’t got anything. If he worked as hard with his mind he’d probably be a rich man. Some people just go along and live their life, just following it, and they never try to get anything out of it. One fellow was telling me that it was just a question of luck, that if my luck changes I’d be able to get out of here and steal money and get away with it, and if not I’d be just the kind to stay in jail the rest of my life. He seems to think it all depends on the type of breaks you get: if the breaks are for you, alright; if they’re against you it’s just too bad. But I know that it’s possible to make the chance, to make it so, or any way you want to. It don’t come just in one day or one year; it may take five or ten or twenty years, and it sure is hard work building it they tell me.

There are some books in the library I would like to read but I
haven’t the time to read them. Time does seem so short, We spend a lot of time in bed, from 9:30 at night to six in the morning. Half of that would be enough for sleeping.

The grass outside my window is so nice and fresh when it rains. It smells so sweetly. The flowers bloom and everything is so cheerful. When it rains all the birds run along underneath the shower. I guess the birds just can’t resist the water …

I want to tell you about a dream I had last night. I remember it yet: I forced myself to remember. I dreamed about this place. We were in the mess hall eating; I don’t remember what we were eating; and I saw Lieutenant K—— standing at a post directly opposite from where I was sitting. The tables were not the way they are in the mess hall: they were lengthwise to the pillars, and my table was in between the pillars and the arch, and I was dreaming that I was directly in front of him and I was hollering for something to eat and he looked at me and smiled. Then I was dreaming that I went up and tried to get in school for the second period and I had to talk the officer into letting me go upstairs through the grille, and finally I went upstairs. It was only a few minutes to six and I looked into the typing room off the corridor and there was a friend of mine coming out of the class. There was a crowd of fellows and one of them was named Decker and there was another fellow (I can’t place him) who was speaking Polish to me, and Dobriski. This fellow Decker used to be here about a year ago. And that’s all I remember.

L: ‘Can you report your associations to the first part of the dream, Harold?’

All I remember is that I was sitting at the table. It seemed that the table was in between the pillars, and directly in front of me there was Lt. K——. He had on a white shirt and a hat and he was standing at one of the pillars. It seemed funny because only plain officers stand at the pillars usually, and the lieutenants stand either at one end of the mess hall or the other. I don’t know who was sitting next to me or who was sitting at the other tables. I think we were eating beans or something like that. I can’t place it very well. I know it was Lt. K—— because when he smiles his face bulges out. There wasn’t any noise or violence, just somebody hollering for something
to eat. I think it was supper time, and that was funny because Lt. K—— isn’t usually there for supper time.

L: ‘Does this dream mean anything to you?’

I’m not sure. I see him in the mess hall occasionally but I see Lt. R—— more often. I forget whether I have ever spoken to him but I have seen him without his coat; yet I’ve never seen him leaning against a pillar. And the funny part about it was that the table was lengthwise, not the way the tables are arranged, but in between the pillars. The table was right underneath the arch and he was standing directly in front of me, right against the pillar. The tables aren’t set that way.

L: ‘Now, Harold, you know that often the objects seen in a dream may symbolize something else, stand for something else. We have got to try and discover what they symbolize. One way to do this is to fix on one thing and speak of everything it brings to mind. For instance, the table might suggest eating, eating might suggest a special type of food, and this might recall a pleasant experience you have had with someone while dining. Now can you follow it through yourself?’

Well, I worked for Lt. K—— for about two years and I have grown to like him a lot. I don’t remember hitting the table or anything, just hollering to him I wanted something to eat.

L: ‘Does it suggest that you were starved?’

I don’t know. I don’t eat very much. O, I eat all of the pork chops and steaks I can get hold of.

L: ‘Was there any reason for you to be so hungry?’

I haven’t had a … I have been in this place for about two years now and I sort of forget everything on the outside. I don’t know. I can’t place anything, can’t see any meaning in it. I think that’s why the table was between the pillars underneath the arch. That might suggest intercourse with a woman. The table may be the penis and the two pillars and the arch a uterus or something. This is the first time I thought about it. I don’t know what made me think of it. If I was dreaming that, why would it be Lt. K—— who was in it?

L: ‘Are you implying that the business of eating was disguising a sexual significance?’

I guess that’s what I mean. The sexual act resembles eating a lot. It’s the satisfaction of a certain desire. It’s perfectly possible that in my dream this desire was disguised.

L: ‘Well, let’s start from the fact that this dream may have a sexual significance, the two pillars representing what you called the uterus, and the table the penis.’

Well, I know that there are different symbols representing different sexual organs. I read a book that said something like that.
The Outline of Mentality.
It deals with history, religion, sex, geography, everything. I remember it stated some of the sexual symbols like the number three, or a cave, or a window. I never realized that a dream would have a bearing on some thought like that. I never thought about it very much. I just tried to remember what I dreamed. It never occurred to me that …

I haven’t had any sexual affairs with anybody in this institution. I don’t think it’s right for two men to do things like that.

Wait! Maybe that’s why the Lieutenant was there. To stop me from …

About the other part of my dream, about going up to the classroom through the grille. I had to talk the officer into letting me go up; I had to show him passes and papers. I looked into the typing class and they were getting through with their class. My best friend attends that class. There also was one fellow I used to associate with, a fellow named Decker and there was another fellow who talked Polish to me. This other fellow started talking to me about my trial, about too much time I got, and about a fellow named Felix. I don’t remember the last name of the person. He said, “Why don’t you see Felix?” I can’t place it anywhere. I don’t remember if I ever knew anyone named Felix. It couldn’t be Felix the Cat but that’s one of the things I always read in the newspaper in the comic sheet. I’m not much interested in the news. I look at the headlines and once in a while glance at the editorials. If they are interesting I read them, but they usually seem one-sided to me. I look at the pictures and the maps and the funny sheets and the financial sheet. There is a column every day on finances by a fellow called B. C. that I read. I look at it and the business graphs. Pictures are alright. I like to look at them but I don’t like strung-out articles. They can be condensed down to a few short lines if you ask me.
Life
magazine condenses everything down to just a few pictures and a little bit of understanding explanation. I like to read a little bit and have a clear understanding. I don’t read everything in
Life.
Some people tell me it’s the best magazine in the market. Maybe. I like to read
Fortune
and the
Reader’s Digest.
I don’t read everything in these magazines, just the things that interest me. I don’t read the
Saturday Evening Post
or other magazines like that. I have a magazine now where they analyze the industries in Mexico. I like to read something like that because I learn something.
Fortune
carries a lot of advertisements. You can learn a lot from advertisements too. I remember one. On a white sheet of paper they had a black spot in the middle, a black spot to attract one’s attention, like making a black dot in the center of a circle …

L: ‘Let’s get back to the matter of your first dream, Harold.’

What I think about mostly in this institution is eating and studying. I don’t think very much about sexual relations with anybody or with any woman. I like to get my hands on a good meal once or twice a week. I buy some pork chops and steaks from a fellow once in a while. It doesn’t seem enough to me. I can’t even steal anything, not that I look for anything to steal, I just do my work and leave. That’s why I tried to get into the officers’ mess a month or so ago, because there you’d get a decent meal, decently cooked food once in a while, fried or something, not always steamed like they do on the main line.

When my sexual desires get bad I satisfy them by masturbation. I don’t get very many urges. I guess you might call me a habitual masturbator for the past few years. When I go to bed at night and my eyes are hurting from reading too much and I can’t sleep, I get up and go to the window and look outside and smoke a few cigarettes. Then when I’m tired I lay down again and sleep and in the morning when I wake up I find my penis hard and, well, occasionally I get up early in the morning and try to hold myself back. But when I feel the urge I don’t care what’s what, and I release the excess.

I’ve had a lot of wet dreams. I remember one like that. I was dressed up like a Marine, with a white hat and a white belt—one time I tried to enlist in the Marines—and I was in bed with four girls at the same time. I don’t remember much about this dream but it stood out in my memory because I was dressed like a Marine.