Real World (17 page)

Kirarin was dead. I was totally shocked, and was sure that Worm must have killed her.
“Was Kirarin murdered?”
“By Kirarin you mean Miss Higashiyama?” the female detective asked calmly. “I don’t have all the details, but we do know that your neighbor robbed a taxi late last night. The taxi was weaving back and forth and crashed into an oncoming car and was destroyed. Miss Higashiyama went through the windshield and was thrown onto the road. They said she was unconscious. She suffered trauma to her entire body and passed away. It’s unclear why she was with the young man, but eyewitnesses state they seemed to be close. Please tell me what was going on.”
The detective, it surprised me, was close to tears. A random thought sprang into my mind—the image of the heavy brooch pinned to her blouse. The fact that Kirarin was dead just wouldn’t sink in.
“I have no idea,” I said.
Which was true, I didn’t have a clue. I might have known that Kirarin was with Worm, but why did she have to die? It made no sense. It was like some totally astonishing thing had just fallen from the sky and my world was suddenly in chaos.
“Is that so? Well, I guess we can talk about it more some other time.”
She sounded resigned.
“How do you know they attacked a taxi?” I asked.
“The driver was cut with a knife and died from loss of blood. His throat was apparently cut. They must have cut him from behind. Your neighbor testified to this as well at the hospital.”
Damn. This was awful. How could Worm take Kirarin with him and do something like that? I couldn’t believe it. My knees started to shake and I couldn’t stand. I collapsed onto the bed. Somebody tapped me on the shoulder. I looked up and Dad was there, holding out an opened newspaper to me. The headline read, “Runaway Assaults Taxi and Causes Accident.” The news managed to make it into the morning paper. Neither Worm’s nor Kirarin’s name was given, but she was described as “the high school girl accompanying him,” hinting at her being an accomplice.
“What happened to Worm—I mean the boy next door?” I asked the detective.
“He’s got injuries on his right arm and head and broke some ribs, and was taken to the hospital.” Maybe I was just imagining it, but her voice sounded cold. “They suspected some internal damage, as well, but I haven’t heard anything after that. We’re going there now to check on the situation.”
As soon as she hung up, I dialed Kirarin’s cell phone but only got her voice mail. What happened to her phone? When I pictured her little pink cell phone lying along the side of some road, it hurt. I dialed her home next, but it was the same thing—voice mail.
I looked at the curtain. I could sense, outside, the blue sky of morning. It looked like another hot summer day. Was this really happening? I couldn’t believe it, and my mind was total confusion.
My father seemed to be saying something but I couldn’t absorb it. Suddenly I realized I had to phone Terauchi. I jumped up to get my cell again, and when he saw this, Dad left my room.
If I hadn’t phoned her, Terauchi might not have died that day.
“Terauchi, Kirarin’s dead.”
She didn’t say anything.
“Did you hear me? Kirarin’s dead.”
“I heard you.”
Her voice was so small and low it sounded like it was filtering up through the earth’s core. How can she possibly be so calm? I wondered.
“I’m not kidding. The police just phoned me. Worm attacked a taxi driver and there was an accident. Kirarin was unconscious and died. Worm just broke some bones and survived. The driver died, too. They said his throat was cut. The two of them attacked the driver. What happened, do you think? Maybe they were trying to rob him? What should I do? What are you supposed to do in a situation like this?”
I got all this out in a rush of words and finally noticed Terauchi’s silence.
“What’s the matter, Terauchi? Did you hear what I said?”
She answered in this slow, casual way, “That’s awful. That things ended up like that.”
“Of course it’s awful,” I said. “But they’re dead, and there’s nothing we can do about that. I was so shocked when I heard. It’s all my fault. What do you think?”
I was shaken, convinced I was to blame for the whole thing. I never told the police about my bike and cell phone being stolen. I’d gotten in touch with Worm a number of times after that, and even rooted for him to escape. All of us had been idiots. Criminals, even. Terauchi tried to cheer me up.
“There’s no need for you to get all upset, Toshi. You didn’t do anything so bad. I’m the one who did something bad.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m the one who changed fate, I guess.”
Terauchi mumbled this puzzling thing. Then I heard this popping noise, like she was getting the kinks out of her neck.
“What’s that sound?”
“I’m setting my alarm clock.”
“You’re going back to sleep?”
I couldn’t believe how nervy she was. What she thought of all this, what she was thinking about, I didn’t even try to imagine. Or even give it a thought. All I could think about was myself. About me and how the adults were going to blame me. Looking back on it now, I can see that when she set her clock she was setting a time limit for herself, for how much longer she had to live.
“That’s right. I’m going back to sleep. See you, Toshi. Hang in there.”
What do you mean, hang in there? Am I the only one who has to
hang in there
? Terauchi’s coolness bothered me, and I couldn’t help but get angry at her. Like she felt she was okay because she’d just been an observer all along. So I pushed down hard on the End button on my phone. This was the last contact I ever had with her, pressing down hard on the button to end the call. The sensation stayed in the pad of my thumb for a while. In contrast, when I called Yuzan next she made me feel encouraged, but at the same time, got me even angrier.
“Kirarin’s dead?” Yuzan shouted, and burst out in tears. “How could this happen? I-I won’t stand for it. I’m gonna kill that Worm myself!”
“Well, okay, but Yuzan…” I said. “I feel responsible for Kirarin’s death. I made a huge mistake.”
“But
I’m
the one who’s most guilty. I took the bike to Worm, gave him the cell phone, so it’s
my
fault. Don’t blame yourself, Toshi. You have to remember that Kirarin went on her own to meet up with him, so in a sense she brought it on herself. All of us were kind of enjoying his escape. It’s a shock that Kirarin died, but don’t let it get to you that much. All of us will take responsibility. You don’t need to suffer over it alone.”
As I listened to Yuzan, I suddenly realized that the shattering of the glass I’d heard next door was the beginning of the end of the world. Ever since that day things had gradually been changing, and today was the final blow. Things couldn’t possibly go any lower. I recalled how Terauchi’s voice sounded like it was filtering up from underground. But Kirarin’s death was too much of a shock for me to dwell on anything. I fell back on my bed. Kirarin—are you really dead? It came back to me—her overlapping teeth showing when she smiled, that lively look she always had when she was startled. I started to cry. She really was dead, after all. I couldn’t believe I’d never see her again.
“Toshi, are you okay?”
Yuzan’s worried voice called out from the cell phone that I was still clutching. I nodded again and again but couldn’t stop the tears. I suddenly noticed that my door was open and that my mother was standing there, looking pale.
“Don’t you think you should go to Miss Higashiyama’s house?”
“I’ll call you back,” I told Yuzan, and hung up. She was in tears, too, and couldn’t reply.
I called Kirarin’s house but all I got was some woman who just kept gloomily repeating that she didn’t know anything, that the day for the funeral hadn’t been set. I didn’t know what to do and paced back and forth in my room.
Reporters started calling us around ten a.m., and I shut my curtain tight. Next, Worm’s father stopped by. He said that before he went to see his son in the hospital in Nagano, he wanted to find out from me what had been going on between Worm and Kirarin. He was gaunt, like a sad old man—so much for the former dandy with his ascot. The arrogant face he used to make as he walked past our house was nowhere to be seen.
“What sort of relationship did my son and Miss Higashiyama have?” he asked.
“I really don’t know,” I lied.
“Is that so,” he muttered back, then suddenly fell to his knees on the floor of our dirty entrance.
“I am truly, truly sorry for all the trouble we’ve caused you. I don’t know where to begin to apologize for the death of your friend. Please forgive us. I know my son will spend the rest of his life trying to redeem himself for what he’s done to all of you. I should have supervised him more carefully, and since I didn’t, this horrible tragedy has taken place, and now I can only hand my son over to the courts. I feel so sorry I don’t want to go on living.”
This middle-aged man was apologizing to me, a high school girl, for his son. You got it wrong, I wanted to tell him. It was like a game we were playing with Worm. And your wife’s murder was part of the game we were enjoying. I stood there, silent, with no idea how I should act. None of this, though, meant very much after I learned that Terauchi had died.
“Why don’t you have a bite to eat? You haven’t touched anything since this morning.” It was almost evening when my mother came up to see me as I lay on my bed, weeping. Just when I started downstairs the phone rang. I motioned to my mother that I’d take it. I had a hunch it was for me. The phone rang on, like it was specifically waiting until I got downstairs.
“Toshiko? I’m afraid I have some terrible news. Kazuko just killed herself. She left a letter addressed to you. Can you come over right away and open it?”
My brain just went totally blank. I’d heard people say this before, and that’s exactly what happened. A total whiteout. I was so shocked it was like I forgot how to move my arms and legs.

* * *

The undertaker, with this pained expression, set down the tray used to offer incense. After a quick autopsy, Terauchi’s body was back home. And there she was, lying in a coffin. Her face was covered with a white cloth. I just kept staring at her fingers, the blackish fingertips clasped at her chest. When she fell she must have hemorrhaged inside. Maybe they weren’t showing her face because it’d been injured. Her beautiful face—what had happened to it now? You dummy, jumping off a building like that! Now we can’t see you. How am I supposed to say good-bye if I can’t see your face?

* * *

“What did she say in her letter?” Terauchi’s mother asked me again.
“She said not to show it to anybody else, so I don’t think I should,” I was finally able to reply. Next to me, my mother stirred, like she was bothered by this. I knew exactly what she wanted to say to me: You know that’s not right, Toshiko. This is Terauchi’s mother we’re talking about. Show it to her. Tell her what she wants to know.
“I understand. It’s just that I’m her parent and would like to know what she wrote.”
Terauchi’s mother’s shoulders slumped as she muttered this. I thought maybe it would be okay to tell her the main points of the letter, so I scanned it again, but I’m lousy at summarizing things and nothing of the contents stayed with me. If it were Terauchi doing the summarizing, she’d do a great job, explaining things by emphasizing exactly what mattered. Still, you know something, Terauchi, I wanted to tell her—this is really poorly written. You always were a lousy writer. To really understand this, a person would have to read it a hundred times. Despite all this, I went ahead and tried to explain what was in the letter.
“Mainly what she says is that she’s a very philosophical type of person and living exhausted her. There were things that make her and the world incompatible. And she said that as her friend I’m the only one who can understand this, so I shouldn’t show it to anybody else.”
“Was it studying for entrance exams that did it?” Terauchi’s mother asked.
“Maybe. I’m not really sure.”
“I understand. This must come as such a shock to you, too, Toshiko. Asking you this must upset you.”
Terauchi’s mother gave a quick smile. I couldn’t imagine what the problems between her and Terauchi had been, but the smile told me that she understood her daughter’s feelings.
“Kazuko said this to me,” her mother said. “When she heard about Miss Higashiyama’s accident she said, ‘It’s all your fault.’ I don’t know what she meant by that.”
I found that part of Terauchi’s letter.
It’s too embarrassing to write down.
So you were too embarrassed to even tell me. My mother shook my shoulder.
“Please show her the letter, Toshiko. Kazuko asked you not to, but her parents have the right to see it. It might be addressed to you, but I don’t see how you can keep it to yourself.”
The right.
I wonder about that. It’s addressed to me, so doesn’t that mean it’s just mine? My brain wouldn’t function and I just stood there, my mother shaking me. No matter how much she shook me, I still clung tightly to Terauchi’s letter. She’d said things about her mother and how turning in Worm and Kirarin to the police made her want to die. The last thing I wanted was for anybody to learn about that. Especially her mother.
“It’s okay,” Terauchi’s father said, interrupting. “No need to force yourself to show it to us. If those were Kazuko’s final wishes then we should respect them. Because I think she’s still out there, watching us.”
At this we all turned to look at the white wood coffin. She’s definitely smiling inside there, I thought, her shattered face grinning. I thought of her pleasant features. When I thought that I’d never see that face again, talking to her just this morning seemed like an illusion. Reality started to fade away.
“Terauchi!! You idiot!!”
A voice shouted from behind us. It was Yuzan, shoulders squared, dressed in her usual T-shirt and work pants. The instant she saw the coffin, she collapsed on the floor in tears.
“How could this happen? Tell me! They said Kirarin’s dead, too. What am I going to do?”
You got that right, I thought. What am
I
going to do, too? I’d never been so confused in my life. I noticed that Yuzan, who usually referred to herself by the rough masculine word
ore,
had switched now to the feminine
atashi.
It was weird, but a strangely calm part of me could notice something like that. Next I had to go over to Kirarin’s house in Chofu. I was sure I couldn’t see her face either. The two of them had both been crushed. Completely disintegrated, the two of them. Why? I still couldn’t comprehend that all these things had happened. Am I to blame for all this? Did it all happen because I didn’t report Worm to the police? Thoughts kept swirling round and round in my head. Worm used my cell phone to call the three of us, Yuzan lent him a bike, Kirarin thought it’d be fun, so she went to see him, and Terauchi reported them to the police. This is crazy. Wasn’t there an anime movie like this?
Rinbu/Rondo
or something? Kind of out-of-date, I guess. I started to feel faint, but unlike in a movie, I didn’t lose consciousness. My head was, in a strange way, totally clear.