Real World (10 page)

“I don’t think any of these people would believe me if I told them I killed my mother. It’s amazing they kept my photo out of the media. It’s all over the Internet, though. Do you use the Internet?”
“On my phone, yeah,” I said, flashing him my clamshell phone. “That’s about it. I don’t own a computer.”
The couple next to us stopped kissing and, hand in hand, walked off, so I used this chance to ask him what I’d been wanting to know. “Why did you kill your mother?”
“I forget why. Reasons don’t matter, anyway. I just got pissed off. What’s more important is how an experience makes you go off to another world, how you live your life there. In that other world. And what you think about the world you left behind. Know what I mean?”
“‘Know what I mean?’ Stop acting so stuck-up.”
Worm stared at me in surprise.
“It’s strange that girls like guys who act all big and then get angry about it. Kind of inconsistent, if you ask me.”
“I’d think it’s strange if it wasn’t.”
To tell the truth, I liked talking like this. It got me excited. Sure, Worm wasn’t that appealing on the outside, but he did think about all sorts of things. And more than that, he was a guy who’d killed his mother, who’d seen this “other world,” so talking with him kept me on my toes. I was wondering how far my experiences would take me in a sparring match with him. This was another kind of game.
“So you’re never going back home?” I asked him.
“I was thinking about going back. How I’d need money to get back. But I won’t do that until after I’ve run away some more. It’d be a waste if I don’t experience being on the run some more.”
Worm stretched out his skinny legs and gazed up at the ceiling. The domed ceiling had a stained-glass picture on it depicting most of the city, and the midsummer sun tinted the white floor in darkish, dirty colors.
“Why would you go home?”
“I want to kill my old man,” he said, shooting me a glance. “How about you? Anybody you feel like killing?”
I thought it over for a while. I wouldn’t mind killing
that
jerk, the guy who destroyed my trust in men. I wonder what he’s doing now. The sadness and frustration I felt when he betrayed me changed me forever. He just split, leaving me behind, never the same again.
“Well, I guess there is.”
“Why do you want to kill him? ’Cause his existence makes you suffer, right? ’Cause you’d be better off if he wasn’t alive?”
“I don’t know….” I said, tilting my head. “I’d like it if he died, but what I’d really like is to get revenge on him, make him suffer, make him regret he did a stupid thing like betraying a great girl like me.”
“Nah, that’s too wishy-washy. You have to make him totally vanish from the face of the earth. Otherwise, if he’s still alive, you won’t ever get rid of the darkness that’s in your heart.”
“But killing him will make that even worse, won’t it?”
“No. You’re saying that ’cause the darkness in your heart isn’t that deep. The deeper that darkness gets, the more you have to get rid of it. No matter what.”
Worm was so weird. He was starting to scare me.
“Aren’t you sad that your mother died? And you’re the one who killed her? Don’t you feel sorry for her?”
Just then my cell phone rang. It was Teru.
“Kirarin? Where are you? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I’m in a mall in front of the station.”
“I’m going to get on the Takasaki Line pretty soon. I’ll call you when I get there.”
So Teru was coming to be with me. Relieved, I opened my bag to put away my cell phone. Worm reached out and grabbed the phone away.
“The army’s requisitioning this.”
“Stop it. What do you think you’re doing?”
I tried to grab it back, but he stuffed it in his pocket. Desperately, I looked around. There were two young mothers nearby with small children. They were smiling at us, probably thinking we were a couple having a little spat. No! I wanted to scream. This guy’s nuts! He’s the guy who beat his mother to death. He’s running away on a bike. How could I make them understand the situation? I stood up, thinking I’d find a security guard, but Worm grabbed my arm and pulled me back. He held both my arms tight and looked into my eyes.
“Kirarin, you really like me, don’t you?”
“You’ve gotta be kidding. No way.”
“I’ll make you like me. Come on.”
What the hell did he mean? I didn’t know how to react. Pulling me by the arm, Worm headed for the exit.
“You told somebody you were going to meet me, didn’t you? You came to see me ’cause you wanted to see something scary, so why don’t we get changed together? I can make you into a new person. And we’ll wipe the smug smile off your old boyfriend’s face.”
“How’re we going to do that?”
As I said this, I was thinking there was nothing in the world I’d rather do.
“We’ll do some bad things together. Then we’ll go back to Tokyo and kill my old man. And I’ll take you to a whole different world.”
A whole different world. The world that lay just beyond that door I never could open. It was appealing and frightening, all at the same time. Worm stamped hard on the welcome mat at the entrance of the mall and the cheap automatic doors slid open. My skin was hit by the blazing heat outside.
“Okay—first we gotta grab a cab.”
“Where are we going?”
“We’re near the Nakasendo Highway and that goes to Karuizawa. It’s nice and cool there.”
“I thought you said you don’t have any money.”
“It won’t cost anything. I’m tired of riding around on a bike.”
“But it won’t work.”
“Well, check this out. I bought a knife.” Worm shook his backpack proudly. “Paid ten thousand yen for it. Totally sharp.”
So he was planning on hijacking a cab.
“I don’t think you should do that.”
“How come?’
Worm stood still and looked at me. He had that metallic, rusty sort of smell that young guys have. Sometimes there’s a guy like that among the ones who try to pick me up in Shibuya. They’re always the ones who are dying to have sex. With Worm, though, it isn’t sex so much as some other desire that’s driving him. Something I can’t figure out. Still, I remembered that guys with a smell like that didn’t particularly turn me off.
CHAPTER FIVE

WORM, PART 2

T
he first thing I heard was a woman’s whispered laugh. And then I opened my eyes and saw some heavy, dingy green curtains. The same crummy curtains my old lady had bought at Peacock for my room, so at first I was sure I was back in my house. It was the first time I’d slept in a bed in days and I’d slept so soundly my memory had flown away. I totally forgot that I’d beaten my mother to death; to me, at that moment, the old lady was just an annoying woman I had to put up with. I was positive she’d slipped into my room while I was asleep and was whispering something. Shut the hell up! Get
outta
here! The old lady, after all, was the only woman I was close to, so I figured it had to be her.
“No, I’m fine. Believe me.”
But it wasn’t my mother talking. It was the girl I’d just met, this high school girl who went by this kind of embarrassing nickname. Finally the memory came back to me—my mother was dead. Thank God, I thought, she’s no longer in this world. She’s vanished forever. I was so relieved I started to laugh, silently. The skin from my cheek to my chin was wet. I was flustered at first, thinking I must have been crying in my sleep, but it turned out to be drool. I quietly wiped it all away with the back of my hand, pretending to remain asleep while I listened in on Kirarin’s conversation. I had no idea what this girl was thinking, why she would want to be with me. As head of military affairs, I should have done a better job of investigating my opponent’s mind-set beforehand. Why I should know a term like “head of military affairs,” I had no idea, but I knew everything now. Ever since I was riding my bike, trying to stay awake, the spirit of that tortured Japanese soldier was with me.
“I understand that you’re worried, Teru, but I’m fine. I’m okay. I appreciate your worrying about me, I really do. He’s kind of weird, but interesting. I mean, when we met at the station we were arguing about what we were wearing. And he insisted he was dressed like an army private. Kind of crazy, right? A weird guy. But I don’t think he’s going to hurt me. I don’t know why, but I feel sure of that. So you can go home. I won’t tell you where we are. It’s a love hotel. What? No, we’re not doing it. No way! I wouldn’t do it with a guy like that. Yeah, okay. I’ll call you if that happens. Just don’t worry. I’ve hung out with guys in Shibuya, so I’ll be okay. And you know what? He’s made me want to get revenge. No, not on my mother. On Wataru. The guy who did those horrible things to me. I loved Wataru, that’s why I let him come inside me. And then he went and slept with another girl, the bastard. And a complete idiot, no less. When I realized he did it ’cause he looked down on me, I couldn’t forgive him. This was more than a year ago, but it still makes me totally depressed. I’m thinking of meeting him, and killing him. I feel
dark. Dark
Kirarin. Not the cute, cheerful Kirarin everybody’s used to. But it feels good, somehow. You know what I mean? You really do? This is the first time I ever felt like taking revenge on someone. It makes me feel great, happy like never before. So anyway, wait, huh? Yeah, you’re right. Even the way I speak’s gotten a little tougher….”
Kirarin gave a small sigh and hung up, ending her call with this Teru guy. She immediately started calling someone else. No doubt Yuzan or Toshi or Terauchi, one of her dumb group of friends. She was leaving a message. While I was asleep she must have stolen back the phone I requisitioned. The girl was more formidable than I imagined.
“Hi, it’s me, Kirarin. Call me, don’t send a text message. Something really big’s happening and I want to tell you about it. See ya.”
I got out of bed and yanked open the curtains. Beyond the rice field outside there was another love hotel much like this one. It was supposed to be like some European castle, though with a huge dome on top. And on top of that, there was a large orange crescent moon. Kind of surreal. Like a sickle stuck in the head of Atsushi ¯
Onita, the pro wrestler. I felt excited, like when ¯
Onita and Mr. Pogo are getting it on in the ring. I got all worked up looking at it.
“You slept really well. You were snoring.”
Kirarin hurriedly ended her call and said this in a sweet nasal voice. All of a sudden, I had this stupid memory of how I used to dream of a younger sister. There was a guy in our school who wrote his own porno manga and used to bring them to school, and he’d always have a young girl character in the story who calls the hero “Brother!” And of course this “older brother” commands his “little sister” to take off her school uniform and then takes his time while he enjoys violating her. The girl protests but removes her own panties. How stupid. The guy who wrote this is a superbrain, the kind you know could get into Tokyo University Law Department, so it’s kind of amazing how predictable his manga always were. What really makes me laugh is how when he used to read his manga aloud to everybody he always used this sweet voice for the young girl character. “Brother—please don’t punish me! I’m scared!” My point is that Kirarin’s voice was just like the voice that guy used when he acted out the young girl character from his manga. And it made me really pissed.
I don’t need a younger sister. I don’t need any women at all. I’ve been
transformed.
Maybe because I took a bath after we checked into this love hotel. As soon as my salt suit was washed away I completed my new personality. The soul of the former Japanese soldier.
I used to be way hornier than most guys. When we lived in that condo, I liked the young wife next door; I listened in on their lovemaking and even stole her panties. And after we moved, I enjoyed peeping in on Toshi. But not anymore. I was really happy at my transformation—or evolution, you might say. I had to change, or else I couldn’t steel myself for battle. So I cautioned Kirarin in no uncertain terms.
“Knock it off with that anime voice.”
“Well, excuse
me,
” she said, her face all gloomy. “But that’s my normal voice.”
“No, it isn’t. When you’re flirting with guys, your voice changes. That’s a part of you I’ll take care of, you can count on it. And who said you could use the phone, anyway?” I grabbed the phone back from her and shoved it in my pants pocket. “It’s been requisitioned by the military. And you stole it. You looking to go into the brig?”
“
Brig?
What are you talking about, you idiot?”
Kirarin turned away, angry. Her expression was still flirty, though—I could tell. She was getting a thrill being with me, the murderer. What a flirt.
“Nothing stupid about it. Are you going to follow orders or what?”
“No way. Who the heck do you think you are, anyway?” she complained. I didn’t like the way her lips stuck out when she spoke. It was pornographic. Now that I’d done my mother in, I had to mow down all the rest of the pornographic women in the world. Somebody’s got to give the order. I glanced around the room, looking for an officer. But no one was there.
“Stop talking like that.”
“How can you say that?” she said. “You make me so angry. Who paid for this hotel, anyway? You said you wanted to go to Karuizawa, but you were getting so sleepy you almost passed out on the street. I should have just left you. Without me, they wouldn’t have let you stay here. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so nice to you.”
“I collapsed because it was a long, hard march.”
“You’re schizo, you know that?”
Kirarin laughed shrilly. Her laughter hurt my ears, and I wanted to rip my head off. The reality came to me—I’m alone on the front line, the only one still fighting the war. Before that old Filipino man and woman can torture me, I’ve got to escape into the jungle. And regroup for the next battle. My war has just begun. That’s the world I’m in—
my
world. And I have to train this woman to be a combatant, as soon as possible. ’Cause I’m the veteran soldier.
“Hey there, recruit! Suck me.”
I said it just to harass her, but my penis started to visibly harden.
“Are you crazy? No way.” Kirarin brushed my hand aside with unexpected force and escaped to a corner of the room. “You’re the worst. Something’s wrong with you, you know that?”
“Of course it is. I wasted my old lady. I ran after her like this and smacked her a good one right in the head with my bat. Could you have done that?”
I snatched up a pillow and swung it around hard, like it was a bat. Fuzz and strands of hair and pubic hairs flew all over the place. Kirarin stared at the pillow, then at me, like she’d never seen such a gross sight in her life.
“No way I could do that,” she said. “I like my mom.”
“What about your dad, then?”
“My dad? That I might consider,” Kirarin said, her gaze suddenly flitting about the room. “My dad’s a totally cold person. When I was in junior high, we got this call late at night. When I picked up, a woman was on the other end and said, ‘Are you there, Daddy? If you are, give it to me. I’m gonna die.’ Is that the kind of thing you should say to a child? I don’t think so. I was so pissed. Go ahead and die, why don’t you, I thought. But I was still little, so I went and woke up my father. I was careful to make sure Mom didn’t find out. And Dad just pretended to be asleep and ignored me. So this is the kind of man he is, I thought—pitiful. I felt sorry for the woman, but one of them was as bad as the other. And I started to hate my mother, too, since she’d chosen this kind of guy to marry. I went through a stage where I was angry and distrusted all adults. I hate all you jerks, I thought. Especially my father. Many times I felt like killing him. But I don’t care anymore. I don’t feel like murdering him. ’Cause I’m old enough to do whatever I like on my own now. That’s why I think you were wrong. You went too far. I really feel sorry for your mother, you know. You’re going to suffer the rest of your life.”
This declaration of hers really pissed me off. My life proceeds at a different speed from other people’s. This is kind of an out-of-date way of putting it, but ever since the murder I’ve been
turbocharged.
I’m free to change my world any way I want to. No more being told what to do, having people lay a guilt trip on me. I’m in control. I’m the commander in charge of the battle to create my world. Still, Kirarin’s attitude made me uneasy.
“Pretty sure of yourself, aren’t you?” I said. “You didn’t grab my weapon by any chance, did you?”
I rummaged around in my backpack, which I’d put next to my bed. The butcher knife I’d just bought had to be inside. My tool to kill them all before they get to me—before that scrawny old coot hauls me out to the main square and drop-kicks me, before the old hag spits all over me, before they bash me over the head with a hammer. The knife was still flat inside its box. Kirarin was covering her mouth with her hand, but she was clearly sneering at how upset I’d got.
She doesn’t get it. I suddenly realized this. This girl
just doesn’t get it.
I’m in the middle of a war and she doesn’t give a damn. Which is why she’s laughing. She just came to see me in the midst of battle. She, and all her little friends, are just having a ball observing me. You’re right. I killed my old lady. And I’ll probably cry about it the rest of my life. But enough with your cheap sympathy—I don’t need it. I got even angrier.
“If you think I’m weird, then get out of here! I’m not some public show for you.”
“Hmm—so you
can
be serious if you want to.”
“I
am
serious.”
I wanted to threaten her a bit, so I pulled the knife out of the box. I held on to the black handle and swooshed the knife around a couple of times. The butcher knife was long and sharp and scary-looking. I looked around for something to use so I could hang it around my waist, but all I could see was the belt to the bathrobe. That would look stupid, so I gave up the idea. Kirarin remained in a corner, frozen. But her eyes showed a lot of respect. Or maybe fear? Doesn’t matter. Anyway, this was the second time I saw a woman look this confused. I remembered how Mom looked when she saw me swing a bat at her, an awful feeling to remember. The instant she realized her whole world was crumbling around her. Or maybe she was repenting for how badly she’d treated me. At any rate, her face reflected the chaos that had overtaken her.
My mom was definitely at fault. She was guilty of creating a history between us, a past that justified me putting her in her place. Guilty of leading me around by the nose, messing up my life, revealing my secrets to the world. I was a colony and she was the occupying force. She created the rubber plantation, made me work from dawn to night, then took away the whole harvest for herself. A colony where everything was plundered. I don’t know what exactly was stolen from me. But most definitely the old lady continued to steal
something.
In Kirarin’s case, there was no reason yet to get rid of her. Being slutty wasn’t enough of a reason. I lowered the butcher knife. I’m still sane. Not crazy yet.
“I’m trying to help,” she said. “So stop threatening me.”
Even from a distance I could see that tears were welling up in her eyes. Hey, I thought you respected me. Finding it all kinds of strange, I put the butcher knife back in its box.
“You’re an enlistee,” I told her. “A comrade in arms. So I’d better treat you well. But listen, now that you’re in my unit you’d better obey orders. In the army you have ranks and orders and that’s it. I’m a veteran and you’re just a new recruit, so you have to take care of me.”
“You mean you want me to suck you, right?” Kirarin shouted disgustedly.
“That’s right. So get to it—on the double.”
I stomped over to her and grabbed her hair. “Knock it off!” she shouted, and easily brushed away my hand. Gooseflesh rippled up on my skin and I stood stock-still. I was remembering how it felt when I grabbed hold of my mom’s hair and thought, She’s a woman, but also how creepy my slutty old lady felt to me. What I mean is, I didn’t just wipe out my mom’s sins, but her sluttiness, too. So maybe her being slutty was part of what she was guilty of? The more I thought about it, the more I couldn’t figure it out, and I gave the pillow that lay on the gray carpet a good kick.
“Why are you so obsessed with the army? Are you like one of those military nerds?”
Kirarin took a can of Pocari Sweat out of the fridge. I didn’t tell her how I figured out that the soldier tortured by the Filipinos and I were one and the same. No sense in telling a slut such things. Kirarin sipped at her drink like it tasted really bad and said, “Why’d you kill your mom? And how’d you do it?”
I shrugged.