Razing Kayne (18 page)

Kayne watched as Jess picked out several sturdy, practical outfits and one frilly
little girl's outfit, complete with ruffled socks. He looked at his watch. “Short
stuff, you've got about fifteen minutes.”

“I'm
sorry,
did you want to look at something?”

He shook his head.
“Nope, just wanted to come along.
I figured after we picked up the kids, we could stop by and I'd get the truck.” He'd
left his truck at the courthouse this morning
.
He’d parked within sight of the media mob, but Jess had had the foresight to park
around by a seldom used side exit, so they’d sneaked out while Judge Johnson kept
the media occupied.

“Kayne, why didn't you say so?
I would have dropped you off first, and you wouldn't have had to waste your time
being dragged all over Wal-Mart.”

Kayne bent and picked up the lion again, he gave Gracie a mock scowl as he handed
it back. She laughed. “I wanted to be here picking out tea sets and princess dresses.”

She cocked an eyebrow, clearly not believing him, but she let it go. Oh, how wrong
she was. He'd thoroughly enjoyed himself.

“Do you want to go pick out something for dinner while I get gift bags?”

“Nope, I'm taking us out to dinner. Someone once told me your favorite food is anything
you didn't have to cook.” It had been the night they went to the hockey game. Kayne
gave a heavy sigh when Jess merely stared at him. “Look, regardless of the circumstances,
we got married today and neither of us lost.” Kayne looked pointedly at Gracie. “That’s
something to celebrate, don't you think?”

Jess nodded then began digging around in her purse. “I'll call Polly and see if she
can babysit.”

Kayne reached out and gently stopped her hand. “I meant
all
of us, Jess.”

“Sorry.
Of course.”
She ducked her head, but not before he saw her blush. Kayne bit back a sigh. He hadn’t
meant to embarrass her. He just wanted to make this as easy as possible on all of
them.

***

“Dinner was great, thank you.” Jess led the way down the hidden staircase from the
nursery to the hallway just outside the master bedroom later that night. They'd gone
to one of the kids’ favorite restaurants, and the evening had felt comfortable. Like
the night they’d gone to the hockey game. That seemed like lifetime ago.

Kayne caught her arm, pulling her to a stop. “It was very nice, especially since you
ate something for once.”

She didn't like that he noticed what she did or didn’t eat. She was already self-conscious
about her weight and eating habits.

He released her arm and took a step back. “Anyway, I guess I should go get unpacked.
I have to work at oh-dark-hundred.” 

“I already unpacked everything. Let me show you.” Jess motioned him toward
the his
-and-hers closets off the master bath, happy to focus on anything but the bed that
awaited them in the next room. “I moved all of the boxes out, so it's all yours. Your
uniforms got wrinkled, but there's a steamer in the laundry room. I can iron them
for you or show you how to use it, whichever you prefer.” If he didn't want her doing
his laundry she doubted he'd want her doing his ironing, but she at least could offer.

Kayne frowned, looking around the closet then back to her. “I don't understand.”

“I put anything that didn't belong on a hanger in a drawer, but if you want them someplace
else, just let me know, so I know where to put clean clothes in the future.”

“Why are they in here?” Kayne furrowed his brow.

Jess shrugged. “Where else would they be?” Now Jess was confused.

“I thought I was taking one of the other bedrooms.”

Jess crossed her arms defensively. “I told you to decide where you wanted to be, and
the next thing I knew people were bringing boxes in here.” Jess felt her cheeks heat
with embarrassment.

“You want me to sleep here?”

Want
wasn't the word she'd use. Physically, she was attracted to him. She couldn't imagine
there was a woman out there who wouldn't love the chance to sleep with him, but she
knew it wouldn't be enough for her to desire him. She'd never been enough for Jarred,
and Kayne was so much more...well, everything. She didn't want to see the look of
disappointment in his eyes when he realized she lacked, but she'd made a promise,
and she'd figure out how to live with the consequences.

Jess squared her shoulders and forced herself to meet his gaze. “I meant what I said,
Kayne, and I won't go back on that promise. I'll do whatever you ask of me.”

***

She had to be kidding, right? Kayne stepped forward, backing Jessica against the wall.
He braced his hands on either side of her, leaned in close, and whispered in her ear.
“You want me to
fuck
you baby, is that it?” He drawled the words out seductively. He knew he was going
out of his way to be an asshole. Hell, he halfway expected a slap in the face, in
fact, would have preferred it over the look that crossed her face.

Jess gasped, then swallowed hard, and though she tried to mask it, he could see the
fear blazing in her eyes. But with it was something else he couldn't quite name.
Determination maybe.

He scoffed in disbelief. “You're actually thinking about whether or not you can do
it, aren't you?”  Damn, that pissed him off! Kayne shoved away from the wall. “I don't
want a goddamned martyr in my bed, Jessica. My hand works fine, and at least it's
a willing participant!”

He stormed off without a backwards glance before he said or did something else he
couldn't take back.
Goddamn it!

NINETEEN

Kayne groaned as he fumbled shutting off the alarm on his phone. He'd been awake most
of the night. But instead of being bombarded by nightmares of the past, it had been
thoughts of the here and now keeping him awake.

He was pretty sure someone had hurt Jess, he just didn't know if it had been limited
to emotional or extended into physical as well. She’d told him once that Jarred had
been her one and only, and the idea that any man, especially the one who'd vowed to
protect and cherish her, might have abused her made Kayne see red.

Somehow, he was going to have to uncover what Jarred had done to hurt her and work
his way past it. Knowing that she was willing to give herself to him out of fear of
losing Gracie ate at what little soul he had left. He needed her to want him as much
emotionally as he wanted her physically if they were to have any type of future. He
wasn't about to let love play a role in this relationship, at least for his part.
But women were different
.
Jess was different. She would need to be in love to be happy. As for him, he wasn't
sure what he needed. Perhaps trust was the simplest answer. He needed to be able to
trust Jess.

After last night though, how could he trust her to tell him how she truly felt? The
thought of emotionally raping her made him physically ill. And in his mind, that was
exactly what it would be if she felt her only way to keep Gracie was to give him her
body under duress. They might have an eighteenth century marriage, but he sure as
hell didn’t own her.

Kayne stretched, feeling his muscles protest. He was pretty sure the fact that he'd
slept on an all-too-small couch in the family room hadn't helped his quality of sleep,
but by the time he'd cooled off he was too tired to hunt down an empty bedroom.

Kayne reluctantly dragged himself off the couch. He needed to take a shower and get
ready for work. Belatedly, he realized all his personal belongings were in Jess's
room. He was going to have to go in there to get ready for work. While he hated invading
her privacy, circumstances were forcing the situation. At least he could access the
bathroom and closet through the sitting room, therefore bypassing the bedroom itself.

Kayne closed the bathroom door before flipping on the light, and froze in his tracks.
Off to the right, hanging on a hook, was a crisply ironed uniform, his badge pinned
in place. A large basket sat by his boots—which had been polished to a perfect shine—that
held all his toiletries and some white fluffy towels. A sheet of yellow paper was
folded and resting on top. He glanced back up at the uniform to realize his badge
had been cleaned too. He reluctantly picked up the paper, knowing whatever it contained
was going to piss him off.

Kayne,

I'm so sorry, for everything.

Your portable radio is on top of the safe in the panic room, I plugged it in for you.
I reset the code to the safe—you know what it is—so you don't have to leave your duty
belt and firearm in the trunk of your patrol car.

Your lunch is in a cooler in the refrigerator.

Be safe,

Jess.

He'd never had anyone iron a uniform for him, much less polish his boots or shine
his badge. And she'd gathered up all the things she thought he'd need to get ready
for work: his razor, shaving gel, soap, shampoo, towels. She'd even made him lunch.
While a part of him knew he should be happy, the reality was he hated it. He didn’t
want her to be some mousy Stepford wife.

Kayne had always taken care of himself, even when he was a small child.
Especially when he was a small child, because Nina had been a horrid mother.
It had gotten better when he went to live with the Dobrescus. Once he was married,
he'd taken on the responsibility of caring for Oksana, because she'd been raised in
a world that had sheltered her and, truthfully, she had no life skills. She'd never
needed them because there was always a servant there to take care of her needs back
home. He’d always been the caregiver, not the one taken care of.

Once Nikolai was born, Kayne had quickly discovered motherhood did not come naturally
to Oksana. She needed constant prompting to care for him. But Jess was nothing like
Oksana. Sure she'd had a few bad days, but look at the wheel of insanity the fates
had staked them on.

He should have talked to her last night instead of storming off. He'd been an absolute
ass, and on their wedding night, no less. Even though he'd had no intention of consummating
it—at least not last night—he should have stayed with her, held her, let her get used
to him being with her. Instead, he'd let his emotions control him, and he'd walked
away.

Once Kayne was dressed for work and had peeked in on Maddy and Ash, who were both
sleeping soundly, he headed for the nursery. He prayed he wouldn't wake Gracie, but
he needed to see her before he left.

The nursery was dark, but he didn't dare turn on a light. He paused and brushed a
kiss across Isabelle's forehead, tucked her bear in beside her, and pulled the covers
back into place before moving on to Grace.

Kayne didn't realize until he was hovering over the bed that Jessica was laying there
with Gracie curled up in her arms. She stirred slightly then suddenly gasped and pressed
back against the wall.

“Hey, hey, baby, it's me.” His voice was a mere whisper. He dropped to a nonthreatening
crouch. “Shh, it's okay.” He reached out and laid his hand on her shoulder. “It's
just me.”

Propped up on one elbow, she brushed the hair out of her sleepy face. “Is something
wrong? Did something happen?” Her voice was husky.
Sexy.

“Everything's fine.” Kayne kept his voice low too. It was barely five-thirty in the
morning, and he didn't want Jess having to get up with the kids this early. “I'm so
sorry I scared you. I didn't realize you were in here. I just stopped to kiss Gracie
before I left.”

“I just needed to hold her.” Jess looked down at the sleeping toddler. She reached
out and brushed a fat curl off Gracie's face.

Kayne hesitantly sat down on the edge of the bed and reached out to lay his hand on
Gracie's chest, over her heart. When Jess laid her hand on top of his, he closed his
eyes, trying to push away the myriad of feelings, all of them at odds with each other.

When it came to Jess, he wanted to be angry that she'd tried to keep him away from
Gracie. At the same time, he wanted to take care of her, because he was pretty damned
sure no one ever
had. He wanted to protect her from her ghosts, but, above all else, he wanted her—in
his bed, under him, surrounding him, wanting him.

“I don't know how to do this,” Jess whispered. “I don't know what you expect of me.”

What did he want? Hell if he knew.

“I'm not good at expressing feelings. Guys aren't hardwired to be all emotionally
touchy-feely, and sometimes we handle situations badly. We're much more physically
expressive by nature.” Was he really going to let that be his apology?
Some bullshit I'm-a-man-so-I-don't-have-to-talk-about-it excuse?

Before he could figure it out, Jess scoffed. “Tell me about it. Jarred went through
an early midlife crisis after the doctor told us I couldn't give him any more children.”
She looked guiltily at him, then away. “Anyway, it’s how we ended up with the sports
car in the garage and Isabelle.”

“'Sabella was a midlife crisis?” Kayne asked. How could a child be a midlife crisis?
They'd adopted for christsake. It wasn’t like going to the pound and picking out a
puppy. There was a long drawn-out process.

“Contrary to what everyone would have you believe—probably myself included—
Jarred
was far from perfect.”

Kayne couldn't help but cock a skeptical eyebrow. From what he’d heard,
Jarred
had been a saint. Yet he knew it wasn't the truth; her reaction last night had proved
that.

“Nobody knows I'm aware, but Jarred cheated on me.
More than once.”

There it was—he'd been right.
The selfish bastard.
Now the question was, had the abuse been limited to emotional or extended to physical?

***

Somehow whispering in the dark had lulled Jess into a false sense of security and
before she even realized she'd decided to confide in Kayne, the words were flowing
from her. “I didn't know about the affair until long after the fact. Her name was
Megan. When she found out she was pregnant, she planned to have an abortion, but Jarred
talked her out of it.
Offered her money to pay her “expenses”.
In short, he'd bought his child and her silence.

“Megan moved to Phoenix before she started showing and had Isabelle in some hotel
room with Jarred and Cody's help, so there would be no record of Isabelle’s birth.
She used the state's Safe Haven law to “abandon” the baby at the fire station on a
night when Jarred and Cody were working.”

Jess smiled sadly. “The first time I saw her, she was in Jarred’s arms, and I just
knew
he was never going to let her go. Sure enough, he all but begged CPS to let us keep
her since we were certified. She was so beautiful and tiny, only a couple days old,
and I fell instantly in love with her.”

Kayne brushed a curl off Jess’s face, tucking it behind her ear. “How did you find
out?”

“Other than that she looked like Jarred?” Jess had been so naïve. No matter how many
times she'd heard people claim Isabelle looked like Jarred, the possibility of what
he'd done had never crossed her mind until the day she'd accidentally overheard Jarred
and Cody talking about it.

“Megan wanted to see Isabelle. I heard Jarred tell Cody she was blackmailing him.
She wanted time with him and Isabelle or she’d tell me everything
.
Megan hadn’t been his first, and she planned on letting me know it.” Megan hadn't
been the last either.

“I sent her a text from Jarred's phone, pretending to be him, and she happily agreed
to meet me. I figured she’d back off once she couldn’t use Jarred’s secrets against
him, but what she really wanted was Jarred and her baby back.”

Jess brushed the bangs out of her face. “I told her that if she didn't walk away,
I’d make sure God and everybody knew what she'd done. I reminded her that her congressman
father’s very conservative constituents wouldn't look favorably on a home wrecker
who'd been enticed to sell her baby instead of aborting it like she’d originally planned.
In the end, Megan quietly walked away.”

***

Kayne leaned back, reeling from what he’d just heard.
What a dick!
Not only was it immoral, it was flat out illegal. It momentarily made Kayne wonder
if Jarred had known Gracie’s true identity. If so, the truth had died with him
.
Kayne mentally shook his head. He needed to focus on the here and now and what Jessica
was telling him. “Did you confront him?”

Jess quickly looked away
.
“No.”

Kayne shot to his feet.
“Why the hell not?”
 
Jesus!
Admittedly, he didn't know Jess well, but he'd never imagined this side of her. The
mousy side royally pissed him off. Albeit it was on her behalf, but still—he was pissed.

Jess threw off the covers, flipped them back over Gracie, and stormed into the hidden
stairway. Kayne was right behind her when they reached the first floor. “Why in God’s
name would you let him treat you that way?” Kayne demanded.

Jess threw her hands in the air, the action stretching her all too thin tank-top across
her braless breasts. “God, are you really going to make me spell it out for you?”

Kayne guiltily ripped his gaze away from those beautiful full breasts. “I guess you're
going to have to, because I don't understand.”

“Of course you don't. How could you?” She crossed her arms, covering her nipples.
“You've never had to sleep with me. So I'll spare us both the disappointment. I wasn't
enough for Jarred, and I sure as hell won't be enough for someone like you. So please,
just be discreet, I'd rather not have your girlfriends flaunted in my face or the
children to find out.”

***

Jess turned on her heel, fully intending to bolt. Could she be any more pathetic?

She hadn't taken half a step before steel bands of muscle lifted her off the ground
and pulled her back into a warm wall of granite. “You do not get to drop a bomb like
that and walk away,” he said softly.

Jess struggled to free herself, but he was an immovable object. “Please, let me go,”
she pleaded. She couldn't face him. Not after what she'd just said.

“Not until you listen to me.” He sat her feet on the ground, but continued to hold
her tight. “I'm so sorry he hurt you, but I'm not him. For as long as we are married—be
that the next ninety days or sixty-years—I will be faithful to you and
only
you.”

Jess nodded, hoping he'd just let her go. She knew he really didn't mean it, but she
wasn't going to fight about it.

Kayne’s heavy sigh fluttered across her neck
.
Her nipples tightened in response. “I can tell you don't believe me.” It was as if
he’d read her mind. “That's okay.
For now.
But you will learn to trust me, Jessica. Just like you'll learn that you could never
be a disappointment.” He pulled her closer, his hot breath on her neck. “I've held
you,” he said.
“Tasted your sweet lips.
I've seen the desire burning in your eyes, felt the flames lick my skin.” Kayne splayed
his palm low over Jess's belly, pulled her tight, and she shivered when she felt his
arousal against the upper swell of her butt. She wasn't sure what the emotion was,
but she knew it wasn't fear, not of him.