Rashi's Daughters, Book II: Miriam (50 page)

The youth stopped in his tracks and then a smile of recognition lit his face. “
Bonjour
, Judah. I know it’s late, but Giuseppe and I still have things to arrange before the fair ends.”

Judah was filled with disgust at the obvious lie. “Don’t say any more, Elisha. I just saw you and Giuseppe together, between my house and Eliezer’s.”

Elisha looked stricken. He opened his mouth, closed it again, and finally choked out, “But—” before Judah interrupted.

“The spot you chose would have served you well had I been indoors or at the gate, but I was in the privy.”

Elisha closed his eyes and let out a groan. “Please, Judah. I beg you, don’t tell anyone.” He tried to grab Judah’s arm, but Judah shrugged him off. “Don’t expel me. The fair’s almost over but I’ll leave the yeshiva today. I’ll do anything you ask, only don’t tell my father.”

Elisha was sinking to his knees when Judah stopped him. “I have no intention of telling anyone what I saw, and certainly not your father.”

“You’re not?” Hope filled his eyes.

“
Non
. First of all, accusations of this nature need two witnesses. Secondly, you’re not my student anymore.” Upon hearing this, Elisha’s chin began to quiver and Judah sighed. “I mean you’re a merchant now, not a young yeshiva student. You’re responsible for your own behavior. But you’re still my friend, and so I must tell you to be careful. Someone else may see you who isn’t so discreet as I am.”

“
Merci
, Judah,
merci
.” Elisha grabbed Judah’s hands and began to kiss them. “I don’t deserve a friend as true as you.”

Judah pulled his hands away. “And is Giuseppe a true friend as well?”
What demon made me ask that?

Elisha’s expression became wistful. “How can I explain about Giuseppe?”

Judah led Elisha into the courtyard. “We shouldn’t discuss Giuseppe here. Come take a walk with me.”

The sky was beginning to lighten when they reached the towpath that Judah and Miriam had walked years before. A good place for confessions, Judah thought, as Elisha explained how he and Giuseppe had become more than friends.

“I know it’s an
averah
, but I can’t help it. My
yetzer hara
desires men more than women.” Elisha drew a deep breath. “Forgive me, Judah, but I can’t keep any more secrets from you. The first few times I laid with my wife, I could only get aroused by imagining that I was in bed with you.”

Judah knew he ought to feel insulted, but he didn’t. “You certainly intend to test the limits of my friendship this morning.” He shook his head. “To think that Miriam and I were convinced that you didn’t do
mishkav zachur
, even after you told me about your old study partner.”

“Giuseppe and I don’t do
mishkav zachur
.” Elisha hesitated at Judah’s skeptical expression. “We do . . . other things.”

Judah’s
yetzer hara
wanted to ask, “what other things,” but instead he said, “Whether you do these other things or you do
mishkav zachur
, it is still a sin. You know what it says in Tractate Sukkot:

“I’m not going to go and worship idols,” Elisha said. “Besides, no man is without sin, and I assure you that Giuseppe and I will be honest merchants, that no one will have to ask us twice to give charity, and that we will scrupulously observe the Sabbath.” Elisha added with a grin, “And I can guarantee you that I will never commit adultery. I can barely find the desire for my own wife, never mind another man’s.”

“The sins that you don’t commit do not justify the sins you do,” Judah replied. “You may think your sin isn’t that serious but remember what Rav Assi says:

“I know,” said Elisha sadly and quoted a word play from Tractate Berachot.

Poor Elisha, Judah thought. The Holy One would punish him for giving in to temptation, yet his
yetzer hara
would make him suffer when he tried to defy its demands. “Yom Kippur is less than a month away. How will you repent?”

“I will pray that the Holy One forgives me, that He will understand that my
yetzer hara
is too powerful to fight.

Elisha quoted Pirke Avot and sighed. “I am not strong enough to give up Giuseppe.”

“You’re still young,” Judah said, remembering Reuben. “Think about what Rav Avin says:

You don’t have to give up your friendship with Giuseppe, just stop the carnal acts.”

“I cannot.” At least Elisha had the decency to look ashamed. “I love him more than any friend, even more than a brother.”

“I see how little my friendship means to you.”

“Don’t be bitter, Judah. At least I was able to fight my
yetzer hara
where you were concerned. You have no idea how difficult it was for me during our travels for my wedding, sleeping in the same bed as you every night. You can’t imagine how much I wanted you.”

“Enough!” Judah held up his hands to stop Elisha’s words. The sun had risen and the bells pealing Prime began echoing around them. “I need to go back to my studies, and I imagine that you need to get some sleep.”

The two of them walked silently through the increasingly busy streets. The wheat harvest was not yet finished and day laborers headed toward the city gates, their threshing tools over their shoulders. Farmers on their way to market passed them in the other direction, carts laden with fruits, vegetables, and crates of squawking chickens. Servants carrying buckets gathered at the city wells, and a line was forming at the bakery.

“There’s one more thing I must say,” Elisha added as they approached Salomon’s gate.

Judah waited.

“When Yom Kippur comes I’ll be in Lucca, so I have to ask you now. However I may have injured or offended you, will you forgive me?”

“Of course I’ll forgive you.” Judah fought back tears. How could he not? At Yom Kippur it was a mitzvah to forgive all who asked for forgiveness. “You’re my friend. And how many friends would any of us have if we insisted that they be free from sin?”

“I still intend to call my first son Judah, but I release you from your pledge to name Miriam’s child after me.”

Judah didn’t know what to say. It might be bad luck to name a child after such a sinner, but how could he choose a different name without explaining the change to Miriam? Well, he didn’t have to decide now—and maybe the baby would be a girl.

The next few days were torture for Judah. As much as he tried to avoid them, his attention continually strayed to the pair. Did they have to be so obvious in their affection, always standing too close together and sharing private conversations? What was Giuseppe saying that just made Elisha smile? Naturally the Lombard found Elisha attractive, but whatever did Elisha see in such an uneducated man?

The lump in Judah’s throat and the tightness in his belly worsened until it was nearly impossible to eat at the same table with them. He couldn’t wait for the day when he would no longer be confronted by their presence. But once Elisha was gone and Judah tried to focus his attention on the impending Days of Awe, he was overcome with sadness.

The ache in Judah’s heart was one he hadn’t felt since Daniel left. And there was another feeling, one that mortified him. He knew it was Satan’s voice he heard, but he couldn’t shut it out, especially at night. That’s when Satan would remind him of all those nights when Elisha had wanted him on their journey between Troyes and Worms, and against his will, Judah would become aroused.

When he turned to Miriam for relief, consoling himself that the holy deed was good for both mother and child in the last three months of pregnancy, Satan would send the image of Elisha and Giuseppe kissing in the courtyard. But if he tried to restrain his urges, his frustrated
yetzer hara
made him more miserable.

He empathized with poor Rav Simeon ben Passi’s suffering, and he prayed again and again Psalm 130, long associated with the Days of Awe.

When Rosh Hashanah arrived, one after another, the
vidui
prayers for repentance assailed him.

In previous years Judah had prayed the Al Chet, the great confession, with confidence, knowing that he personally had committed few, if any, of the long list of communal sins. He’d recited them all, smugly aware that congregants around him were being stung by the lash of recognizing their own sins on their lips. But this year the lash’s pain was his.

All week Satan taunted him at night, and when Judah prayed the
vidui
on Erev Yom Kippur, he knew exactly how the Accuser would prosecute him before the Heavenly Court. But how could anyone defend him before the One who knew his hidden thoughts? Would he wake up to discover that he’d had an emission of semen during the night, a sure sign that he’d been written down for death in the New Year?

Judah nearly wept with relief when he woke up in a clean bed, and when they reached the afternoon service, with its Torah portion from Leviticus about sexual sins, Judah knew what he would have to do to repent. If he only studied individually with Miriam or Eliezer, if he never made another yeshiva student his study partner, then he wouldn’t have the opportunity to become overly fond of one of them.

But that meant he would never share that special study-partner relationship again. So while the rest of the Jewish community celebrated Sukkot, the season of gladness, Judah mourned his loss.

 

The Jews of Troyes were not only celebrating Sukkot, but had joined the rest of the city in excitement about the tournament that Count Thibault was hosting in honor of his son Eudes’ knighthood. Although some gossiped that he was really celebrating the death of Guillaume the Bastard, which elevated his eldest son, Étienne, who was married to the king’s daughter Adèle, one step closer to the English throne.

“Mama, can I go to the tournament tomorrow?” The cellar echoed with boys’ voices. “Can he go with us, Aunt Miriam?”

Miriam finished opening the clerestory windows, letting in cold air to slow down the fermentation process. Turning to confront her questioners, she was not surprised to see Shmuel and Samson in addition to her own two sons, but Isaac was there too.

“Please let me go, Mama,” Yom Tov asked. “Shmuel and Samson are going.”

“Papa arranged a safe place for us to watch,” Isaac said.

Miriam shook her head. “I doubt there’s any safe place to watch a tournament that’s still close enough to see the melee.”

“We will be safe.” Joheved cautiously made her way down the cellar stairs. “Count André has arranged for ladies and children to watch from a raised platform in back of the
lices
.”

Miriam looked at her sister with astonishment. “You’re going to the tournament in your condition?”

“I am perfectly well. In fact, Meir and I are both attending. The tournament field is located between Troyes and Ramerupt, and André expects his vassals to honor Thibault and young Eudes. Besides, Alain will be fighting and we want to cheer for him.”

“Alain?” Miriam asked.
Wasn’t he one of the squires who had rescued Benjamin in the forest?

“
Oui
. Alain squired for us for several years, and now he’s one of the knights we provide for Count André. Shouting encouragement for a few hours is the least we can do for him.”

“How do you know you’ll be safe behind the
lices
?” Miriam asked. She wasn’t going to show her lack of sophistication by asking what the
lices
were, but Samson had no such reticence.

“What are the
lices
?” he said.

“
Lices
are neutral ground, where the captured knights, horses, and booty are kept,” Joheved explained. “We’ll certainly be safe. In addition to Thibault’s men, Count Robert of Flanders and his knights will observe and guard the
lices
.”

She walked to the nearest window and began to close it. “It’s so chilly in the cellar, Miriam. Are you trying to make
vin diable
?”

“Joheved.” Miriam grabbed her sister’s arm. “I just now finished opening the windows because it was too warm.”

Joheved stopped, and Miriam wondered if she was going to call for Papa or Rachel to verify her claim that the cellar was too cold.

But Joheved continued talking about the tournament. “I assure you that Papa and Meir will not let the boys leave the platform area until the melee is over.”

“Papa is going?” Miriam began to reconsider. Perhaps watching the tournament wasn’t as dangerous as she’d been led to believe. Still, many in town worried about the havoc that all these armed men on horseback could create if allowed to roam at will. Fields trampled, women assaulted, brawls in every tavern, horses racing through the streets. “Is Mama going?”