Rainbow Boys (25 page)

Nelson recalled Kyle’s phone call the previous evening and knew what Kyle had come to tell him. “You and Jason did it, didn’t you?”

“You can tell?” Kyle smiled and petted A tticus.

Nelson didn’t think he’d ever fully get over wanting to be boyfriends with Kyle, but seeing him smile so genuinely, he couldn’t help but feel happy for him. He sat down. “So?” He smiled coyly. “How was he?”

Kyle gave him a wallop. “Shut up.”

Nelson punched him back. “Hey, you look great with your contacts.”

“Thanks. My face feels so naked.”

“What did Jason say about it?”

Kyle wrapped his arms around his legs and stared at the ground, in thought. “Nothing. He was kind of depressed. His dad walked out yesterday. I feel kind of guilty about how everything happened—like I took advantage of him.”

“Get over it.” Nelson reached over and clapped his shoulder. “You just got laid, man! You should celebrate.”

“I just hope he doesn’t get scared away off the face of the earth again.”

“If he does,” Nelson said, “we’ll find him. Come on.” He stood up, pulling mopey Kyle with him. “I’ll make your favorite. Waffles. By the way, I’m glad you finally stopped wearing that stupid cap.”

Nelson mixed the waffle batter. “I’ve got news for you, too. Remember Jeremy? He phoned and asked me out.” Kyle handed him the eggs. “That’s great, isn’t it?”

Nelson shrugged. “What if I’m not infected?” The doctor his mom had taken him to was monitoring him during weekly visits, ready to start medications the moment he tested positive. But what if he didn’t test positive? Did he want to fall in love with someone who was?

“It’s not like you have to sleep with him.” Kyle said in a calm voice. “You can always be just friends, can’t you?”

“Yeah,” Nelson agreed. “Shit. He is so cute. You think I should go out with him?” Kyle pulled plates from the cupboard. “It’s up to you.”

Nelson broke the eggs open. “Big fucking help you are.”

“Hey, I forgot to tell you. Guess who cut my hair at the Hair Cuttery? Shea!” The eggbeater slipped out of Nelson’s hand. That was the last thing he expected to hear. “Really? How is she?” Kyle grabbed a paper towel to wipe up the spill from the eggbeater. “She’s excited. It’s her first job. Did you know she broke up with Caitlin?”

“No way!” Nelson said. He remembered the messages from the week he’d been so depressed. She’d mentioned a fight with Caitlin, but he never imagined it was serious enough to break them up. He sat down, recalling how he’d hung up on her. He’d felt shitty about it then and even worse now.

“Kyle?” he asked. “Have you ever felt like I abandoned you?”

Kyle set the table. “Well, I wouldn’t say you abandoned me. But sometimes you get angry and withdraw. I feel like you’re punishing me. You don’t do it a lot, but when you do, it feels pretty crappy.”

Nelson scratched his forehead, feeling a little ashamed to hear Kyle saying basically the same thing as Shea. “Do you think I’m irresponsible?” he asked.

“Sometimes, but so am I.”

“Kyle! When are you ever irresponsible?”

Kyle scrunched his eyebrows up, thinking. “Well, like when I forget to brush my teeth.” Oh, brother, Nelson thought.

Later that week, Nelson decided to surprise Shea at work. He needed to do something with his hair, and besides, that way she couldn’t be too angry at him. He peered into the store window and watched her snip a woman’s bangs. He cautiously entered, as it occurred to him he should’ve brought her flowers or hair gel or something. Shea spotted him immediately. He pulled his hand from his jacket, offering a wave. “Hi.”

She gave him a frosty glance and kept cutting the woman’s tresses. “What happened to your hair?” she asked him without expression.

“You join the army?”

A t least she was speaking to him. “It’s a long story,” he replied. He realized how much he’d missed her. “Think you can do anything with it?”

“Have a seat,” she said. “I’ll be done in a sec.” She obviously wasn’t ecstatic to see him. But she didn’t seem too, too angry, either. A t least that’s what he told himself.

He grabbed a magazine and flipped through it, pretending not to watch her and trying to decide how to apologize.

“Shea?” he said as soon as she started shampooing his hair. “First of all, I’m sorry I hung up on you. A nd I’m sorry I didn’t return your calls. I’ve thought a lot about what you said. You were right. I was irresponsible and I shouldn’t have blown you off like that. Do you forgive me?”

She stopped shampooing, and her green eyes flashed him a harsh, not very forgiving look. “I forgive you …” She paused, as if about to add but.

He anxiously waited for her to continue. Instead she rinsed him off and led him over to her cutting chair. He nervously followed, He anxiously waited for her to continue. Instead she rinsed him off and led him over to her cutting chair. He nervously followed, bumping into a planter on the way.

Once he was in the chair, she draped him with her plastic cloth. “I’m not sure what to do with your hair.” Nelson nodded. “It looks like shit, I know.” He ran a hand across it. “What about, you know, a marine cut?” She raised an eyebrow. “You of all people, with a marine cut?”

“Yeah,” Nelson said, forcing a laugh. “Pretty radical, huh?”

She didn’t laugh. Instead she grabbed her clippers and started trimming.

He watched his hair tumble onto the drape. “Kyle told me about Caitlin. I’m sorry. Mind if I ask what happened?” Shea snapped the clippers off. “I don’t know. We went to Massachusetts over Christmas break to visit the college and meet some teachers. The school has an amazing lesbian community. Caitlin really liked it. But I felt out of place, like I’d just get in her way.” She pressed a thumb and fingertip to her eyes. “It would be a big step for both of us, you know? A nd I’m not sure I want to move away.” She turned the clippers back on.

Nelson breathed a huge sigh. “I’m sorry,” he said consolingly.

“I’m okay. Besides, I like my new job.” She switched the clippers off. “There, you’re done.” Nelson stared at the marine cut. “That was fast.” He ran his hand across the prickly hairs in back. It felt so butch.

Shea pulled the drape off him and gave it a shake. “There wasn’t much to start with.” He laughed cheerily, as if she’d made a joke. She led him to the register and rang him up.

Their meeting seemed so cold compared with when she used to cut his hair at her house. “What time do you work till?” he asked, handing her his money. “I thought maybe we could hang out afterward and catch up … if you’re not doing anything?” She gazed over his shoulder, as if hoping a customer would come in. “Uh, actually, I have plans.”

“Oh,” Nelson said, disappointed. He glanced down at the scraps of hair scattered on the floor.

“Well, uh, when’s your day off?” he asked.

“Look, Nelson. I do forgive you, I really do, but …”

There it was. Didn’t he say the “but” was coming?

She sighed. “I think it’s better if we move on. This has really hurt and I don’t want to hang out anymore. I’m sorry, okay?” She looked away, wiping her face.

Nelson’s nose started stopping up. He was starting to cry too. “Okay,” he said, though he felt anything but okay.

When Nelson arrived home, the phone was ringing. He nudged A tticus out of the way and picked up the receiver, hoping it was Kyle.

“Hello?”

“Nelson?” It was his father. Great, he told himself. Just what he needed. He dabbed his nose. “Yeah?” He presumed the call was the result of his mom’s insistence on telling his dad about the Brick episode. Nelson had told her it was none of his dad’s business. “Besides, he won’t care.” But she had told the old goat anyway. Now he was calling. Maybe he did care after all.

“Your mom phoned. You really upset her. She’s worried about you.”

Typical, Nelson thought. His dad would never in a million years admit that he was worried. He’d never acknowledge that he felt anything at all.

Nelson shook a cigarette from his pack. “I know she’s upset. I live with her, remember?”

“Well, then, why can’t you learn to stay out of trouble? She told me about the fight.” Nelson lit up his cigarette. “We got jumped! The fight wasn’t my fault.”

“No,” his dad said. “It’s never your fault, is it?”

“Dad,” Nelson said, choking up. “Stop blaming me!” He tried to swallow, but his rage wouldn’t let him.

“Hold on a sec,” his dad said.

Nelson puffed on his cigarette and waited, wishing he could tell his dad how he hated him, and how he needed him, and how he wished he would never call again, and how he still stupidly hoped that one day he’d come back and be a real dad. But he knew he couldn’t say any of that. The thought of completely losing his dad was too much right now. Nelson hated the prick, but at least he was calling.

His dad came back on the line. “You need to start taking some responsibility.” Excuse me? Nelson thought. Where do you get off lecturing me? A s if you ever took any responsibility. Sure, you send child support, but that’s it. I may be irresponsible, but it’s obvious who I inherited it from. God, he wished he could tell his dad that.

His dad blathered on, never even mentioning the HIV. His dad didn’t care. His mom had wasted her breath telling him. He was probably hoping Nelson had it and would die, so he wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore.

“Dad?” Nelson said, unable to tune him out any longer. “Can’t you see my side of it for once? You never listen to me.” His eyes grew moist. It made him furious that a call from his dad could do this to him. “A s if everything’s always my fault.”

“Well,” his dad said, “it usually is, isn’t it? Why can’t you just be normal, so your mom doesn’t phone me all the time, worried about you?”

This is hopeless, Nelson thought, snubbing out his cigarette. He heard his dad’s other line ring. “I’ve got to go now,” his dad said. “Let your mother know I called.” With that, he hung up.

Nelson listened to the dial tone, then banged the phone against the counter. “Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!” The plastic cracked. He threw the receiver into its cradle. A tticus stared up at him.

Nelson’s eyes drifted to the jumbo bag of potato chips on the counter. He unclipped the bag and started gobbling. A tticus licked his lips, begging. Nelson tossed him a chip. Only one, otherwise he’d get sick. Of course, Nelson would eat the whole bag and make himself sick. Then he’d hate himself afterward. He’d done it enough times to know that’s what would happen. He was tired of it. So why did he keep doing it?

He stopped biting a chip and stared at the cracked phone receiver.

“Fuck him!” Nelson said, and closed the potato chips back up. A tticus stared up at him with pleading eyes. “No, boy,” Nelson told him.

“Let’s go for a walk.” He grabbed the leash off its hook.

Maybe his dad would never change, Nelson thought, but he could.

A s his date with Jeremy approached, Nelson had more and more doubts about it. Maybe Jeremy would cancel. Of course, Nelson would be devastated if he did. A fter all, it was his first real date. A nd Jeremy was a hottie. Totally stressed, Nelson smoked one cigarette after another.

Saturday afternoon he tried on a dozen different shirts, hoping to get the right look. He showered and put on too much cologne and showered a second time to wash it off.

His mom watched him fret up and down the stairs. “How old is this boy?” she asked.

Nelson could tell she was worried. “He’s nineteen, goes to college in Maryland, lives with his older brother. I don’t know how old his brother is. A nything else you need to know?” Needless to say, he left out HIV status.

She gave him a motherly scowl. “Don’t be sassy. Now, listen.” She shifted uneasily. “I don’t encourage you to have sex, but you do have condoms, right?”

“Mom!” How intrusive could you get? Nevertheless, he patted his pocket. “Yes.” She didn’t seem very relieved. “A nd be home by midnight. Don’t look at me that way. I mean it.” In his romantic daydreams, Nelson never imagined a date would be so nerve-racking. Now he knew why Kyle acted like such a spaz around Jason. It seemed like anything he could possibly do wrong, he did. He tripped on the sidewalk. He accidentally called him

“Germy.” His palms sweated like Niagara Falls. A t dinner the chopsticks slipped from his fingers. He knocked over his water glass. A nd it didn’t help that he refrained from smoking, since Jeremy didn’t smoke. But in spite of it all, Jeremy complimented his new haircut, laughed at his jokes, and didn’t ditch him.

When they left the movie, to Nelson’s amazement, Jeremy was still smiling. “It’s still early. You want to come over to my place?” Nelson’s stomach tightened. Should he? It might lead to you-know-what. But not necessarily. Maybe they’d simply talk, listen to music, just be friends. Sure, and maybe Jeremy would turn out to be Judy Garland, not really dead, but in boy drag. Definitely say no, Nelson told himself. Make up some excuse. Say that you’re asthmatic and have to go to your iron lung. But he said: “Yes.” A t the apartment, Jeremy told Nelson to make himself at home. “My brother’s gone for the weekend.” That’s mighty convenient, Nelson thought.

“What would you like to drink?” Jeremy asked.

“Got any beer?” Nelson hoped it might calm his nerves.

“ID, please?” Jeremy laughed. “We’ve got Coke and 7 Up.”

Nelson forced a chuckle. “Coke, I guess.”

Jeremy went to the kitchen. Nelson fidgeted with his earrings, trying to stay calm. He looked around the living room. On the wall were an Honor Society certificate, a bunch of Boy Scouts awards, and a track-team photo of Jeremy that revealed awesome legs.

When Jeremy returned, they sat on the couch, side by side. Nelson began to worry. The heat from Jeremy was having a noteworthy effect on him. He should never have come over. Why was he even on a date with a guy he knew was HIV positive? He should leave. Now.