Radio Gaga (6 page)

They killed the feed from the studio leaving me to stare helplessly at Fred.

“Fred, I really don’t think this is going to work. I’m hopeless with plants. I kill anything green without even trying; it’s almost as if they sense me coming.” There was no way I intended spending my evenings and weekends in Fred’s company being tutored on the way of the giant marrow or whatever it was he had planned for me.

“You’ll be grand. By August you’ll have some champion veg ready for the show.” He waved his arm expansively in the direction of his plot. “You can have that corner over there and Mervyn from the radio station said you’d come and report from here every week so listeners can hear how you’re doing.”

“Oh he did, did he?” So I’d been right about this being a set up. God alone knew what else he had planned for me but I’d be willing to bet that it wasn’t any of the lovely and fun things I’d put on my list.

“He
were
very obliging. He reckons as this will be a popular feature with me giving regular gardening tips and you telling everybody how you’re getting on.” He picked up his fork ready to recommence his digging. “You’ll need to come down about twice a week to start with and more often if the weather turns dry. I’ll sort out some plants and seeds to start you off.”

I stared glumly at the patch of mud and unknown green stuff that Fred had blithely assured me was all
mine
.

“Fred, I am not a gardener.”

“Aye, mebbe not, but neither is that Stanley Frobisher with his regular gardening column in the Chronicle. I’m twice as good as him. He’s a cheat. I know he bought some of his veg from Tesco when he won straightest carrot last year.” Fred’s face flushed with righteous indignation.

This was clearly going to be a battle I wasn’t going to win. This was more to do with Fred’s rivalry with Stan than it was to do with making me grow green fingers. I could only hope that once Fred and Merv had witnessed my horrific mass slaughter of innocent veg they would change their minds. I arranged to come back later in the week armed with a trowel and wellies and said goodbye to Fred.

I reckoned there was time for me to grab a coffee and
a bacon
butty to go from the corner café before I reported in to the radio station for the next stop on the ‘Let's Torture Chloe Campaign’.

The café was packed when I arrived. It seemed to be the favourite haunt of every construction worker within a ten mile radius. I hunkered into my fleece and tacked on to the end of the queue.

“Hello Chloe, I didn’t expect to see you here.” I turned to find Ben standing behind me looking far too good for a cold, damp spring morning.

“I could say the same for you.”

He dug into the pocket of his jeans to find some change as the line inched forward towards the counter. “Mervyn called my boss this morning wanting me to take some shots of you for the Challenge Chloe spot.”

Great, I had on my oldest pair of jeans and somehow whilst I’d been at the allotments mud had transferred itself from Fred’s fork to my clean white tee shirt.
Maybe I should have listened to my mother for once and worn something pretty.
Now I would be splashed all over the paper looking like a scarecrow.

“He didn’t tell me what he had planned.” I noticed the expensive-looking camera hanging around Ben’s neck.

Ben’s eyes darkened with concern. “Are you well enough to be taking on this new slot, Chloe? It could be quite pressurised.”

“I’m perfectly fine.” The man in front of me moved and I drew in a deep breath before giving my breakfast order to the lady at the counter.
 
My traitorous body heated as Ben moved in closer behind me.

“I hope you weren’t offended by the literature I put through your door. It’s just that I know how difficult it can be for someone to admit they need help.” The low tones of his voice tickled my ear.

I paid for my take out and turned to face him. “For the record, I do not have a problem.” I swiftly lowered my voice when I realised I’d attracted the unwanted attention of the queue. “I was the victim of an unfortunate reaction to prescribed medication.” Leaving Ben to place his order I marched back outside into the cool morning air. A couple of bites from my bacon sandwich with extra tomato sauce and mushrooms and I began to feel marginally better.

“Chloe, wait up!” Ben called as I crossed the street ready to head for the studio.

Reluctantly I waited at the corner while he caught me up.

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Yeah, well. Let’s forget about it, shall we?”

He fell into step next to me, adjusting his long-legged stride to my much shorter one. “Your Mum leads an interesting life. She was telling me all about her charity work.” He eased the lid from his polystyrene coffee cup to take a tentative sip.

Mum loved talking about the work she did with the deprived and underprivileged. In fairness to her she did an awful lot of good, haranguing authority, organising committees and drawing attention to sections of society which otherwise would simply be ignored. It didn’t however; make her very easy to live with.

“Yes, she does a lot of good work.”

“She um, told me about your partner leaving you.” He shot a glance at me as I picked mushroom slices out of a ketchup sea and popped them into my mouth. A tricky feat whilst moving, I narrowly missed blobbing sauce down my cleavage.

Cheers Mother. I wondered what else she’d told him about me. Thank God I didn’t have any of my baby photos in the flat or she would probably have shown him those too.

“Neil and I had been over for a long time. I caught him cheating with his dry cleaner.” I tried to sound nonchalant. I wasn’t upset over my break up, not really. I’d been angry at being made to feel a fool but my heart had been surprisingly undamaged by Neil’s defection.

A faint crease appeared on Ben’s brow. “Oh, only your mother seemed to think you’d been quite upset by it all. She er thought that might be why you reacted to the tablets.”

I licked the traces of ketchup from the corners of my lips before dumping my sandwich wrapper in the bin outside the entrance of the radio station. “My mother would have liked me to be upset. I reacted to the tablets because I have a low tolerance for medication. Mum was the one who was upset. She had high hopes for Neil as a future son-in-law.”

His frown deepened as he held open the door to the studios, allowing me to enter ahead of him.

“You’d better sign in and get a visitor pass,” I suggested, appalled that Ben had obviously succumbed to my mother’s charm. She had the ability to sucker people in by appealing to their better nature and charitable instincts. Then, when she’d got them where she wanted them she’d turn on the screws. If Ben wasn’t careful she’d have him trotting down the aisle with me before he had time to blink.

I allowed myself a delicious momentary daydream involving me, a white Vera Wang wedding Dress and a steamy honeymoon night with Ben before being summoned back to reality by Merv’s nasal tones.

“Lark, get your arse into the studio before you’re late again.”

Tracey raised her heavily pencilled eyebrows and gave me a small shrug of sympathy as I scurried past her. The sound of Ben’s deeper voice mingled together with Mervyn’s slightly higher pitch followed me as I hurtled down the corridor to the studio.

Steph’s producer spotted me through the glass window and opened the door leading into the anteroom. Steph was in full flow, extolling the virtues of dietary fibre over the airwaves, as I scooted inside. Anyone listening to her probably developed watery bowels anyway thanks to the diet of auditory crud she fed her listeners.

“In a few minutes I’ll be joined live by our roving reporter Chloe Lark as we reveal our first, voted for by you, Challenge Chloe adventure.” She cut to the advertisements and scowled at me through the glass.

I opened the door to the inner booth and took my place opposite Steph as a particularly annoying double glazing advert finished and was replaced by the Live it Up jingle.

Her producer placed a sealed white envelope in front of Steph labelled ‘results’ and made a sharp exit as the final strains of the jingle died away.

“And we’re back with Chloe to reveal the results of the vote. Ooh, it’s like X Factor isn’t it?” She warbled into her mike and hit a drum roll clip. I didn’t think it was anything like X Factor but Steph was intent on making the most of the moment.

“You’ve all been voting in your um hundreds for Chloe’s first challenge and I have the envelope right here with the results. So, Chloe, gosh you look a little windswept this morning, which challenge do you think our lovely Live it
Up
listeners have picked for you this week?”

I stared blankly at her and wondered, not for the first time, if Steph was on drugs. Since Merv hadn’t told me what the challenge options were and I’d been too busy, and too chicken, to listen in and find out, I couldn’t answer her question.

She gave her irritating laugh. “Oops silly me, of course Chloe has been kept quite in the dark about today’s surprise, haven’t you Chloe?”

“Absolutely, Steph.”
I managed to squeeze in a quick answer before she prattled on.

“Well, have we got a treat in store for you!
Back in two ticks to reveal Chloe’s Challenge.”
She hit the jingle button again, killing my mike.

“Well, what were the choices?” I eyed the sealed envelope on the desk dying to grab it and tear it open.

She eyed me frostily. “If you bothered to listen to my show then you’d know what they were. I could have made a real fool of myself a minute ago thanks to you sitting there like a big fat dummy.”

I ignored her insult. “I was kind of busy this morning interviewing Fred.”

“Oh yes, the great vegetable challenge.
You’ll be right at home there.”

Fortunately for Steph the ad finished and my mike came back live before I could respond.

“Here we go.” She played the drum roll again. “Did you vote for joining the circus and learning circus skills like tight rope walking, the art of clowning and juggling, or did you opt to send Chloe to the zoo for a day working in the reptile house handling snakes, spiders and lizards?”

Funnily enough I didn’t remember putting either of those options on my list. Juggling didn’t sound too bad but the high wire was a no-no. The zoo option sounded far worse. My fear of heights probably ranked equally with my fear of snakes. I’ve always really sympathised with Harrison Ford in the Indiana Jones films over his snake-o-phobia.

She waved the envelope under my nose before hitting that damned drum roll again. I sincerely hope that one day technology will exist whereby listeners can reach through the airwaves to give annoying presenters a good slap.

“Can’t wait, Steph.”
I chirped through a dry mouth. Please Lord
don’t
let it be the snakes.

She held the envelope next to a mike as she ripped it open taking care to make maximum paper tearing sounds. “And the winner is… ooh I feel like Holly Willoughby.”

She looked more like Denise Welch.

“The first Challenge Chloe, as voted for by you is…
The reptile house at the zoo.”

I knew it.

“How exciting.”
I hoped I sounded convincingly chirpy and thrilled. I felt more like throwing up.

“Join us on Friday to find out how Chloe gets on with her scaly and eight legged friends, plus there’s the giant veg growing challenge. You can see pictures of all of these in your local paper, the Gazette, proud sponsors of Challenge Chloe. And of course you can follow her adventures on our website.” Her smile was pure evil as she switched to the ad break.

“How lovely for you, Chloe, a day at the zoo.
At least they didn’t ask you to muck out the elephants.” She leaned back in her chair, a smirk playing at the edge of her lips.

“I know. I’m so lucky that Merv gave me this big break. My profile is going to soar.” I faked a huge beaming grin and headed for the door. “Just think
,
if this goes well I’ll be really famous.”

I made a quick getaway into the outer studio before she could reply.

Ben and Merv were huddled together with Steph’s producer.

Merv turned round to face me.
“The zoo, marvellous!
Ben here should get some cracking shots of you on Friday.
Tarantula on your hand or a python round your neck.”
He rubbed his hands together with glee while my bacon and mushroom bap from earlier threatened to make
a reappearance
.

“We’d better go and take some shots.” Ben didn’t look as if he was convinced by my fake over-bright grin.

I was determined not to let either Merv or Steph know that they had me rattled otherwise God knew what I’d end up doing next week. Merv led the way to his office, still looking suspiciously pleased with
himself
.

Once inside his office I soon discovered the reason for his glee. He’d been very busy assembling props to match the challenges. He thrust the cardboard box containing a neon orange nylon wig, face paints and a red nose back into the corner.

“Here we go.” He delved into the contents of another identical brown box and fished out some grotesque plastic spiders and a huge bright blue stuffed snake with evil beady eyes and red felt forked tongue.

Ben exchanged glances with me. I didn’t think he rated Merv’s choice of props anymore than I did.

"I think we can get a great picture using these.” He tossed the snake at me as he crossed the room opening the door to stick his head into the corridor.

“Singh!
Get in here.”

The snake and I eyeballed one another while we waited for Bhangra Bob to arrive.

“Now, if we get Singh to hold the snake and Lark, you can pretend to look terrified.” Merv snatched the snake from me and thrust it at Bob.

Bob cuddled the snake as Merv manoeuvred us into position against the plain cream background of his office wall.

“Needs something else.”
He frowned, surveying our pose before dragging the big yucca plant that normally lived behind his desk into the shot.

With Merv satisfied with his handiwork Ben set to work getting some pictures. Bhangra Bob dutifully shoved the snake at me and attempted to look evil while I held my hands to my face and tried to appear terrified like a heroine in a black and white film.

“Okay, I think these will be fine.” Ben squinted down at the back of his camera as he checked back on the pictures.

“Lark, Tracey will give you the details for your contact at the zoo. Friday is the big day. I want lots of big snakes, huge lizards and hairy spiders. The veg thing will be weekly. I want updates, involve the other allotment holders and get pictures. The Gazette is investing in this to drive up their advertising revenue and I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of what’s at stake here, do I Lark?” He raised an eyebrow.

He accepted my brief nod as an answer and shooed me and Ben out into the corridor.

“Ugh, whenever I spend anytime with Merv I always come away feeling as if I’d like a hot shower with carbolic soap.” I gave a little shudder as I marched past Steph’s studio.

“Hmm, he’s quite a character. He’s very pally with my boss. It was Merv who persuaded the Gazette to sponsor your Challenge Chloe events. The paper sold a lot of extra copies and got a lot more hits on their website after your stunt at the castle.” Ben halted at the door leading back into the reception area to fiddle with his camera.

“I suppose I’ll see you on Friday at the zoo?” I didn’t mind having an excuse to see Ben again. It would have been much better if our next meeting didn’t have to involve snakes or creepy-crawlies though.

“Yep, let me know when you have the time fixed up. I need some pictures of you with Fred too. The Gazette is planning a monthly update on your progress in the Saturday gardening column.” He lifted his head to gaze directly into my eyes sending a delicious shiver along my spine.

“Okay, I um could just run upstairs or put a note through your door or something.” I knew my face had turned red. Gah, why did being around Ben always make me feel like a gawky schoolgirl with a crush?

His lips curved. “Sure. I’d better get going; I’ve several more jobs to get through today.”

He opened the door and waited for me to walk into reception before following.

“I’ll talk to you later then.”

He handed his pass back to Tracey and signed out. “Okay, see you soon Chloe, give my regards to your mum.”

He lifted his hand in farewell to Tracey and I watched him stroll away across the car park.

“Oh yes? Is there something going on between you and…” Tracey looked at his name in the visitors book, “…Ben?” She joined me at the counter to stare wistfully out at Ben’s retreating back view. It was a very nice back view.

“He’s the new photographer-cum-journo for the Gazette. He’s also my new upstairs neighbour.”

“Nice.” She sighed appreciatively as Ben vanished from sight. “Is he taken?
Wife?
Girlfriend?”

“Single, as far as I know. His sister helped him move in.” I did my best to sound casual. Tracey loved to know everything about everyone and she knew all about my relationship disasters.

“Oh, then do I detect a possible romance candidate?” She leaned forward on the counter, her heavily-mascaraed eyes wide with interest.

“I don’t think so. We didn’t get off to a great start. I threw up over his feet at the castle.”

“Oh, that is not good! Still I wouldn’t kick him out of bed.” She heaved another huge sigh, ruffling the papers on the counter surface.

“Tracey, you’re a happily married woman.” Tracey had been married to her beloved for as long as I’d been at the station. Her mission in life was to get anyone else who still happened to be single into the same loved up state of unified bliss.

“I’m married, not dead. I can look at the merchandise so long as I don’t touch it. I mean I can admire a Porsche but still be happy driving my Fiat.”

* * *

I arrived back at my flat after spending the rest of my work day researching, recording interview clips for the local news bulletins and avoiding Merv to discover my mother had decided to redecorate.

“What are you doing?” The smell of paint met me as soon as I opened my front door.

My mother climbed carefully down the metal stepladder and onto the dustsheet. “I thought I’d make myself useful while I was here. It’s no wonder you’ve been feeling depressed surrounded by these dingy walls. A nice fresh coat of white paint does wonders for a place.”

Okay, so I had already thought about redecorating but painting everything blinding white wasn’t quite what I’d had in mind.

“That’s very thoughtful of you Mum. I’ll show you some of the colours I’d picked out.” It would make no difference, she’d simply carry on with what she thought was right for me regardless of what I actually wanted. She’d done it my whole life from choosing my clothes to choosing my friends.

“Oh, and I printed off some job vacancies I thought you might be interested in. They’re on the side in the kitchen.” She rested her paint roller in the tray and peeled off her gloves.

Gritting my teeth, I tried to stay calm. “I’ll go and make a cup of tea shall I? You must be thirsty after all your hard work.”

I left her to finish off and busied myself in the kitchen chuntering under my breath as I banged around with the kettle and the teabags. She joined me as I fished the teabags out of the mugs.

“I’ll rinse these out ready for tomorrow.” She placed her paint tray and roller in the sink and turned on the tap. My mother is the only person I know who can decorate and not get a speck of paint anywhere on their person. I suspect the paint is probably too scared to land on her.

She dried her hands and picked up her tea, her nose wrinkling with distaste that I hadn’t offered her a cup instead of a mug bearing
 
the slogan ‘Keep Calm and Sod Off’. Hmm, perhaps that was a Freudian slip.

“You know
Mum,
you really don’t have to do all this. I feel so guilty that you’re here with me when you have so much good work to get done at home.” I kept my fingers crossed behind my back that she would take the hint.

“Nonsense, darling.
I’ve told you before you always come first to me. Besides it’s apparent that you need some help right now.”

I wilted. My mother should patent the look she always gives me when she’s delivering this kind of speech. It’s a mix of pity, sorrow and disappointment.

In an attempt to distract her from launching into a recitation of how I should find a better job, move, land a suitable man and get a better haircut I pulled a paint chart from the drawer and presented it to her.

“These were the colours I planned for the lounge.”

She placed her tea down on the counter and thumbed through the booklet with her manicured nails until she found the squares I’d marked.

“Mellow yellow walls with a mocha feature wall. Really Chloe, it’ll look like the inside of a mouldy banana.”
 
She dropped the brochure next to her mug. “Oh, I ran into Neil in town at lunchtime when I was coming out of the DIY store.”

It was a great shame she hadn’t run over him rather than into him.

“Really.”

“He doesn’t look at all well. I think he still has feelings for you. He’d read about you in the paper and asked how you were doing.”

“Did he?” I wasn’t interested in the answer. I didn’t want to know about Neil unless it was to hear that he was miserable and preferably suffering from some painful mystery illness that made him impotent.

“Yes, he was terribly sympathetic when I told him how poorly you’d been since you’d broken up.”

Great, terrific.
If my mother didn’t go home soon I would be forced to kill her.

“Mum, you do know that I wouldn’t have Neil back if he
came
gift wrapped with ribbon on the bonnet of a free Porsche?”

My outburst earned me another of her ‘looks’. “The trouble with you Chloe Lark is that you wouldn’t know a good thing if it hit you. I suppose there’s always that nice young man upstairs. At least he has a regular job. I do wish I could recall where I’ve seen his face before, he seems so familiar.”

The doorbell rang and I left her to her musing glad of the reprieve.

“Hiya.”
Shelly stepped into the hall. “Phew, I can smell paint.”

“Mum decided to decorate.”

Shelly grimaced. “Ooookay, I’m guessing she didn’t run it past you first.”

“What do you think?”

She laughed. “I didn’t think so. I heard you on the radio. You hate snakes! How are you going to get round that one?”

“Not by taking anymore of your blasted pills, that’s for sure.”

“Sorry.”

“Are you coming in?” She made no move towards the lounge.

“Can’t, I’m on my way to Fat Club. It’s weighing night tonight. I thought I’d stop by on my way to see how you were taking the whole snake and gardening thing. They weren’t on your list were they?”

“How long have you been my friend?”

“Okay, I thought it sounded like a Merv special.”

That was something of an understatement. I suspected there had been a good dose of
Steph,
too, in the options the listeners had been given.

“I was stitched up like a kipper but it could work out well. I mean I’ll be in the paper at least once, maybe twice a week. I’m getting more airtime and my own special slot, plus the video on the website.” I’d been thinking of the positive aspects all day, helped along by Steph’s obvious fury.

“That’s very true. I’m glad you’re okay about the snakes and spiders.”

“I’m sure I’ll think of something once I’m there. Most of it is sound recording interviews and pieces anyway so as long as Ben gets a couple of pics for the radio website and the Gazette then I’ll be fine.”

“I didn’t realise Ben would be at the zoo?” Shelly lifted an enquiring eyebrow.

“It’s his job so don’t get ideas. He still thinks I’m the druggie nutter who puked on his shoes remember?”

“Huh huh.”
Shelly had a wicked twinkle in her eyes. “But you still fancy him.”

There was no answer to that. At least not one I was prepared to give.