quintessence. (9 page)

I watched as she moved with fluid ease across the floor. Pain danced across her face as she moved. I knew the pain wasn’t just physical. The pain was from every dream she once had falling to the floor around her. But, what she didn’t know was that I would be there to help her pick up the pieces. She wouldn’t be broken by this. I wouldn't let this break her. She was too strong and brave to let it happen. She needed to remember her own bravery.

She was amazing. I felt uncomfortable watching her after a time. I felt like it was a moment for her and her alone. My being there was a distraction. She needed this for her. I was thankful that the longer she danced, she let go—and it was only her. I could see her falling into the place of acceptance and strength that comes with knowing you have to fight.

She finished and sat on her knees once again and looked at her hands with a sigh. In silence she ran her palms together and examined them as if she were trying to recall what she once had.

“Do you think this is all I will be able to do?” Maggie asked without looking at me. “I can’t feel my fingertips. I can’t stand on my toes, how the hell am I going to dance?”

“I don’t know, but I
do
know that whatever you get tossed, you’ll make something of it.”

“How do you know that?” she asked, meeting my eyes.

“I know enough of you, that I see you’re determined. From what I’ve learned, determination is one of the most important parts of living.”

“You suck, Karl.”

I laughed. “I suck? That’s fine if you want to think that, I’m okay with it.”

“You suck because you keep saying all the things I need to hear to remind me what I’m supposed to be doing. You suck because I wish you could give some of that to Toby, and that thought alone makes me hate myself. I love him. I shouldn’t want him to be like someone else.”

The needle pulled through again, wrapping itself one more time around the seams that frayed on my heart
. “Don’t hate—not even yourself.”

“I can’t help it. I don’t know myself anymore. The real me is trapped in here somewhere, screaming against my flesh, trying to be let out. But my body won’t let it out.”

“That’s when you need to redefine yourself. Better yet, you need to understand that you’re always redefining. You know the human body regenerates every moment? I read once that the brain regenerates every two months and the skeletal system does every three. So, if that happens, why can’t we regenerate our minds? You know, we are always changing and adapting—moving forward—evolving. We just hang onto that. It’s that simple, Maggie.”

She looked down at her palms as she ran them across one another. She examined them as if she could see her skin and body closing in on her and reminding her she was still here in the present.

“I think in that dance you started one part of your homework,” I said.

“What’s that?”

“You are living now. You were free out there Margaret, and you were in the place where you needed to be—the present.”

She laughed in her usual soft way. “You called me Margaret again. Why?”

“First, I looked in a name book when I first wondered if that was what your name was. I knew it meant pearl before I asked you,” I said as I sat on my knees in front of her.

“I then had to take it further, because that’s what I do when I want to know things. I looked into pearls. Did you know they’re the oldest known gemstone? The thing I thought the coolest about it was that the pearl is derived from organic material. A living being makes pearls. It starts with an irritant that gets inside it. Then the mollusk works it for years until it becomes this unique, beautiful thing. Some traditions called them ‘teardrops of the moon’ and they believed pearls came from a single raindrop that fell to earth. It’s also seen as pure and innocent. That entire description is the perfect name for you. You are using your determination, and you are taking this thing inside you and working on it and through it until you create something genuine, real, and priceless. Not everyone can do that.”

She sat up onto her knees and moved closer. She put her hands on either side of my face and pulled me up to meet her as she placed a gentle, chaste kiss on my lips. She held me there for several seconds. I watched her closed eyes and saw how even with her eyes shut, sitting across from me, she still danced.

Tenderness—an incredible, soul drenching tenderness is what it felt like. It was a kiss that said everything and nothing. It was much the same as my life. I was in between again, but in the simple touch of our lips together his words pulled me closer to one direction—to him. It
was
pure and innocent.

I had spent my life not wanting to think deeply about anything. I wanted to move ahead without looking back. I wasn’t always that way. I’d always held a determination to achieve something, but as a child it felt different. I spent time with my grandma and knew that I would be like her one day—giving of myself to see something better come of things. That has twisted over the years. I don’t know if life jaded me, from the experience of losing my cousin and watching the other cousin fall in a downward spiral. But, I knew I was going to now focus on the internal part of me.

I had once focused on achieving and constantly doing. But in this kiss with Karl, I learned something. I needed peace in my life. I needed this, and I needed us. I was gaining a tether that pulled me from the abyss of doing.

Always moving, always doing something. But, he slowed me down and I would cherish the understanding the quietness of Karl brought. That’s how it was with Karl—quiet.

I didn’t want to let go of this moment. I wanted to stay there, resting my hands on his face and my lips on his. But I needed to let go. Every worry of what the next few weeks had in store, drifted away.

I dropped my hands from his face, letting my fingers trace down his beard and sat back on my knees holding his eyes with mine.

We watched each other like that—examining and understanding each other without speaking.

“I’m not sorry I did that,” I said. “I’ve wanted to do that since you held my hand in the waiting room. You just have this face I want to kiss. It’s the purest, most genuine need to be close with another human being. You are perfect. You also kind of remind me of my grandmother.”

He laughed a soft laugh.

“I mean her spirit. Not that you are like my grandma.” I rolled my eyes with a playful grin.

“I knew what you meant. My laugh wasn’t out of mocking you, but out of my own shock. If you would’ve told me at that party when I met you last year you’d end up being one of the closest friends I had, I wouldn’t have believed you. But, the universe—or life—knows better than us.”

I lowered my chin and looked at my hands in my lap. “Yeah, but it’s too bad it took what it did for me to realize how awesome you were. I mean, I used to think I was good, and I was perfect. I used to think that I had my shit together, but I had it as together as the perception the world told me to have. It was all wrapping paper and bows.”

He turned his head to the side in question.

“You know, how we spend so much time wrapping gifts with perfection, to have them torn apart within seconds and the paper stuffed in a garbage bag. I spent all that time making a gift look pretty, that I forgot about the gift inside. I don’t want to just make something pretty, I want to worry more about the gift.”

He tilted his head with an awestruck expression. “What?” I asked.

“Nothing, I just thought of something. But you’re right, it’s a waste of time, isn’t it?” he asked.

“It is when you suck at it as bad as me. I took forever to get presents to look nice.”

Karl was the one to sit up now, and he leaned into me and put his hands on my cheeks as I had his and he kissed the top of my head.

“I don’t care about the wrappings. I think what you just did was beautiful. That was you—that dance. That was you acknowledging the desire inside you to be and to create. It was amazing,” he said with a shy smile.

“Thank you,” I said leaning back and pulling my knees up to hug them.

“Do you want to see the next part of our evening I have planned?” he asked with a grin.

“Of course I do,” I said.

He laughed. “You say that a lot.”

“Of course I do,” I said with a laugh, as I took his hand and he pulled me up.

“Let me go start my car so it will warm up. I’ll be right back.”

He pulled his jacket on. I used to hate those jackets—it was one of the heavy canvas ones that are brown and men who work outdoors wear them a lot. Now when I saw him wear it, I realized how juvenile and trivial it was in the grand horizon of life that I’d be annoyed at a coat.

Plus, Karl wore it well. My eyes drifted to his jeans and how they hung off of him. They were just jeans to him—something to wear when he went into public. He couldn't care less what name was on them. And he was every creative and sincere event in my life wrapped in a beautiful package without all the ribbons and bows. He brought more out of me by showing me to look past myself than anyone had ever done in my life. As I watched him I realized I could rate something on my questionnaire with a positive now. My sexual drive was looking up. It was different though. I was looking at Karl, I was studying him, but I was remaining grounded and not swept away. But there was this intense need to just be near him. I wanted to be held by him and not get lost in one another, but to have a long, intense conversation about everything and nothing.

I remained on the floor, just watching him through the window as he scraped the frost off his windshield. I smiled as I watched every little thing he did. He wore a serious expression as he lifted the wiper blades to scrape under them. It must have been pretty cold because he paused to blow his hot breath against his palms.

He finished and ran back to the door, now wearing his stocking cap. He blew into his hands once more with a smile.

“It’s cold out now,” he said and handed me my sweater.

I carried it and my boots over to the chair to put them on.

He stood across the room, hands in his pockets looking nervous and happy. Every so often he would give me a sincere smile.

I wanted him with me, near me, talking with me about anything. I wanted to hear every story he wanted to tell me.

“I kissed Karl,” I said on a soft sigh—almost inaudible.

I kissed Karl
. Those words felt like they held life changing importance and they were mine.

I pulled my gloves on and stood. “I’m ready to go,” I said. He stood in silence before walking toward me with his hands in the pockets of his jacket. He put his arm out for me to take and I breathed him in.

“You smell like winter now,” I said.

“It’s early this year,” he said in his sweet, realistic manner.

“Are you tired?” he asked me as he pushed the door open.

“No, I’m good, better than I have been in months.” I meant it.

“Okay, it’s still early. Do you want to go to your house and grab your stuff for tomorrow so we can go ahead and head over there now?” he asked, and then looked away as he pulled on his beard. “I mean, if it isn’t weird for you to go out there with just me; we can ask someone else to come along. I think Mason would be most likely to enjoy it.”

“Mason?” I asked.

“Oh yeah, you haven’t met him yet. He’s Brecken’s son, and he’s a great friend. There’s also Conall; he mentioned earlier about coming out again. He’s been there a few times. I’m sure his girlfriend and he would come out if they aren’t busy.”

“It’s okay, Karl. I don’t have a problem just going with you—unless you do. I understand,” I said and felt myself blush.

“I’m okay. I’d be more relaxed if it was just us. When there are too many people out there I lose the reason for being there. I want you to have that your first time out there. I think the way for you to get the full perspective is if it is just the two of us.”

“Well, then it will be just the two of us,” I said. “Well, the two of us and Bob, right? You can’t tell me about Bob and then him not be there.”

“I can’t promise you anything, but if we bring peanut butter and grapes, that will be helpful,” he said as he locked up the studio.

“Well, we will just need to pick some up then. Do we need to get anything else?” I asked.

“No I have everything out there, is there anything you want?” he asked.

You to hold me and tell me everything will be okay.

“Nope. I don’t think I need to stop at my apartment either. I’m dressed warmly and if you have everything out there already, I’ll take your word for it. I’m in your hands now, Karl.”

He smiled and took my hand as we walked to the car. He opened the door for me. As he leaned on it, he smiled at me.

“I plan on taking care of you, Margaret. I won’t let anything happen to you. You will love this,” he said as he shut the door, and I watched him walk around to the driver side.

He nodded to a passing car and the smile on his face for a stranger made my heart hurt. He cared about people.

That’s what he was showing me. Instead of wallowing in the pain and fear of my future, I had to remember that the true healing would be found two feet around me. Because then, I’d break past my personal space and discover the rest of the world. Just as I’d found Karl.