quintessence. (7 page)

“Okay, but it’s not pretty,” I said with a wink, and attempted to get up on my toes.

“You can’t do that,” he said with a sincere nod.

“Okay, let’s step out into the hallway and I want you to just walk away from me and then walk back,” he continued.

I walked away and tried to concentrate on my left foot—the bane of my existence. I didn’t want him to see that lazy foot.

I walked back to him and his kind eyes watched my feet. When I was about five feet from him he looked at me and smiled. He had a good poker face.

“Okay Maggie. I will get Reagan to schedule you for your tests. Do you have your questionnaire?” he asked.

“You mean the list of all the crap I’ve had going on the last year? My mom has it. I didn’t fill it out yet.”

“That’s fine. Why don’t you take it home with you and bring it in when you come for your spinal tap.” He nodded to my mom who had been quiet through the whole event. “Do you have questions?”

My mom nodded. “I do. I’ve noticed some things with her. She’s been different, not her usual self. I see there is a cognitive performance and mood swings section on here. Could this be causing her depression and personality change?”

“Personality change? Depression?” I asked my mom in frustration. She should’ve stayed in the waiting room. “I’m not depressed.”

“Yes, honey. You aren’t as you used to be. Your spirit is darker,” she said with a concerned expression.

“My spirit is darker? What the hell does that even mean? I’ve been poked and prodded, Mom. I think I have a good fucking excuse for some mood swings.”

“Well, um. Yes. It can affect that, but you have to remember. She’s had her whole future brought into question these last few months. That’s bound to make any person a little moody,” he said with a pat to my shoulder. “I will see you in a few weeks, Maggie.”

I rolled my eyes at my mom and waited to schedule more tests. This was my life now. I had to defend my emotions to my mom while planning on getting more images taken of my insides. I wished I could just peek in there myself and ask my body what the hell it was thinking and what I did to be in this position.

Instead, I looked outside my personal space. I needed to do something more. I needed to step outside myself and experience the peace that comes with being thankful for every breath and movement of my body.

“You doing okay?” Blake asked as we drove to Gabe’s. He was taking me to my car that I would drive for the first time in months.

“I’m good. Just thinking.”

“Sure, that’s a normal Karl thing,” Blake said and looked in the rear view mirror at Mason.

“What are you thinking, Karl?” Mason asked.

“I’m taking people to my place with me this weekend and I’m not sure how that will go. I’m also thinking about Maggie and what she found out yesterday.”

I had waited for her by her parents’ car at the doctor’s office. I had called Gabe from Blake’s phone to find out where they were. I was sure she’d think I was crazy for following her to her doctor’s appointment, but I needed to be there.

She had her sweater on and she wrapped herself in it before she stepped from the sliding glass doors. When she saw me she ran to my arms. Her foot caught every other step as I noticed it did the other day. “How’s that personal space going?” I asked.

“I’m trying. But, I’m stuck in it. There isn’t anything outside this space in the world right now. I’m scared shitless. I’m lost and I’m wondering what I will be able to do with myself. I don’t know if I’ll be able to walk a year from now. I don’t know if I will be able to fucking go to the bathroom on my own. How fucked is that?”

“Where are you getting all this from?” I asked as I lifted her chin to look at me.

“The literature they have in there about MS. There are a lot of things that can happen with this. My body is attacking itself,” she said and her breath picked up. I knew she would break down at any minute.

“Okay, look at me. Just look at me and breathe as I breathe, okay?”

“I’m pissed at Toby,” I said for the first time since seeing Maggie in the hospital that first day.

“Why?” Blake asked.

“Because he’s off doing his own thing—finding himself—and she’s left here without his concern or help. He should be here for this.”

“From what I’ve heard though, hasn’t she kept everything from him?” Mason asked.

“Yes, but he’s had four months now to find himself. I think that’s enough, but he says he loves her, and he left her,” I said, as I looked out the window before pulling my hair back and tying it out of my face. “Everything I saw between those two—she was the strong one for both of them and now she needs a little extra strength and he’s off partying and finding himself.”

“Wow. Karl—you’re awesome. But, maybe you need to take a step back and think about what you’re saying now,” Blake said.

“I know what I’m doing and saying, Blake. I can have a friendship and not want more than that. I see her as a human being in need of help—that’s it. There is no need for evaluation of my motives,” I said matter of fact.

“Where are you going with her tonight?” Mason asked.

“I have something planned,” I said. “But thanks for letting me clean up at your place. I’m going to Pike’s later so I won’t need to stop by.”

“No problem. Have fun tonight,” Blake said as he parked next to my car and pointed at it. “I’ll wait to make sure it starts.” He laughed.

Mason climbed from the backseat to get in the front. “Hey Karl, I don’t know Toby like I know you. But, your intentions are good. You’re too genuine of a guy. Don’t listen to Blake. I’m sure he has you all tied in knots after those comments. I know even if you care for Maggie as more than a friend, you won’t act on it until you should.”

“Thanks Mason,” I said.

Mason was wise beyond his years. He was only eighteen, but I knew he had some amazing things planned for his future. He was one of those people that I felt a connection to instantly. I felt that way with most of my friends. But with Mason, he had this quiet understanding that made everyone feel happier having met him.

I climbed in my car and it tried to turn over, but stopped. I pumped the gas a couple times, and it started right up. I knew it would.

I saluted Blake and pulled out of my parking spot and headed to Maggie’s.

__________

I parked my car and closed my eyes, trying to slow the sewing of the pieces together in my mind.  I couldn’t rush anything. I had to take it at the usual slow pace I took in life.

A knock on the window of my car caused me to jump, and on reflex my arms popped up as if I were getting ready to throw a punch.

James stood on the other side of the window and put his hands up in surrender.

I rolled my window down.

“You aren’t planning on waiting here for her, are you? You have to come to the door to get her. It’s your first date; you have to do it right,” he said.

I jerked my head back in shock.

“Yes, date.” He walked around the front of my car and sat in the passenger seat. “It’s a date, Karl. At least I hope it is. I love Toby as a person. He has a great spirit, but I don’t think he’s what my daughter needs. That said, this
is
a date. I know it is. But, you don’t have my blessing to be the reason she leaves him. She has to come to that on her own.”

I had no response to that.

“Okay. So, where are you planning to go tonight?” he asked as he clapped his hands together and put them over the heater running in my car.

I opened my mouth a couple times before speaking. “Um, dinner and a movie?” I said as a question.

“You’re more creative than that and I know you have something better planned. You aren’t a dinner and movie kind of guy, are you Karl?”

“No, I’m not sir. I learned a while ago that I didn’t want to waste my life on the typical.” I smiled and turned to face James. “I have to confess something,” I said.

He tilted his head in question.

“I really like your daughter. She’s taken me by surprise and I have to say, I’m thankful I chose that day of all days and that time, to go visit my friend. Had I not, I wouldn’t have ran into you and your daughter. I wouldn’t be sitting here now at this moment, discussing what the best date to take her on was.”

“It’s interesting how things work isn’t it?” James asked.

I nodded and we both looked out the front window for a time. I thought on how it felt like everything in my life brought me to this moment and how if even the smallest of things changed, I wouldn’t be here now.

“Good,” James finally said as he gave me a nod. “Let’s go get my daughter for you then, shall we?”

___________

She hugged me when she saw me.
The thread pulled tight, yet again
.

“Bye,” she said to her parents, and she took my hand and led me down the stairs.

“Okay where are we going first on this little adventure you planned for us? I dressed comfortable, like you said,” she said as she looked down at her clothes. “I have a new healing for yesterday.”

“You do? What’s that?” I asked.

“Well, my dad danced with me in my living room.”

“That’s great,” I said with a smile.

“Yes, it is. He twirled me.”

The joy on her face was infectious. I liked her dad before, but now I thought he was one of the greatest men I had the privilege of meeting. I had never planned on having kids, but seeing how his daughter loved him made me want a daughter of my own someday. I hoped I could be even half the father he was to his daughter.

I opened the door of my car for her and smiled as she pulled her hat down tighter over her ears.

“Now, I want you to keep an open mind tonight, okay?” I asked.

“Of course—I always keep an open mind with you. I love the man-bun by the way,” she said with a wink.

“The what?” I asked.

She pointed at my hair. “Man bun.”

I laughed. “Why does it have to have man in front of it? Why can’t it just be called a bun?”

“Well, because you’re a man, of course.”

“Yes, of course I am. But how does it make it any different that it is a bun on a guy? It’s still a bun.”

“It is. But it’s a man bun. It’s hot.” She winked at me and her cheeks flushed and a few more knots sewed through my thoughts.

I shut her door and walked around to my side of the car. I smiled to myself as I thought of her brilliant and free comments to me. She held nothing back.

“I really do like your bun,” she said with a laugh. “It suits you and notice I didn’t add the
man
to it?”

“Yes, I did notice. But you know—it’s not a bun. It’s just my hair pulled up and out of my face, then twisted around in a weird way,” I said with a grin.

“Yep, that’s a bun, Karl.” She laughed.

“Okay, it’s a bun. You’re right.”

“I’m excited about tonight,” she said as I pulled away from the curb.

“I am too, Maggie,” I said. “I have a lot of fun with you and I want you to know, that even when I met you at the Christmas party, I wanted to know more about you. You have this enchanting way about you. You kind of remind me of a fairy. I know it sounds odd. But, it’s true.”

She laughed, but it wasn’t a mockery. She just laughed for the joy at my words. “A fairy?” she asked.

“Yes, you have this wild strength that is beautiful. I know my saying that seems strange. But, I learned a while ago not to hold back on my strange thoughts. I just let them flow.”

“Well, I thank you for letting them flow. That means a lot. And, I must confess your strangeness is attractive.”

“I accept that compliment,” I said and felt my blush move up my neck.

We drove the last few blocks in silence and I parked my car. Maggie turned to me to speak and pulled her lip in, trying to hold back her emotions.

“I used to volunteer here when my grandma was alive. She was my dad’s mom. I’d spend the weekend with her. We’d come here on Saturdays, and then go to her church on Sundays,” Maggie said. She smiled up at the sign for the soup kitchen.

“Good, you will know your way around the place then. We have to work for our food.” I winked at her and offered her my right arm, so I could be on her left side.

“So, tell me another healing.”

“I went to work today.”

“You did?”

“Yep. I went to work and told them to fuck off,” she said with a sincere determination. She smiled through the entire sentence.

The needle pulled a new stitch through.

“You what?” I asked with a laugh.

“Yeah, I went in there and told them I quit. Their insurance sucked. I could get on my dad’s if I didn’t work there. So I quit. I don’t know what to do about my apartment though. Maybe Toby will move back in when he returns. That would help with bills. Or I could sublet Hannah’s old room. I think I’ll do that and just get an odd job or do web design. I could do that.”

She was rambling.

“Are you sure that was a positive moment?” I asked.

She laughed, “Says the guy who accused me of selling my soul to the devil. But yes, it was positive. I felt this release of letting go of a dream. It was like I didn’t have to have it to be me. Plus, I have some ideas.”

“Ideas are good. I’ve been working on ideas myself.”

“Of course you are,” she said with a gentle squeeze of my arm.

I laughed. “What’s that mean?” I opened the door for her.

“It means I couldn’t imagine you
not
working an idea out. You’re always in it—working on something. I see it in your eyes. You’re doing your visualizing and sorting things out.”

“I suppose I am,” I smiled at her and waved my hand for her to enter.

“I like you Karl,” she said and then hugged my arm. “I mean it; you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met.”

There it goes again. I tried to stop the tightening threads, and I focused on Toby—my friend. Toby was the guy who never once looked at me as if I were a killer. Toby—he’s the one holding the cards right now.

He told me once about his dad’s time in the military. Toby was a military brat and knew what it was like being around someone who had served. His dad was in the first Iraq war and suffered from Depleted Uranium exposure. He died two years after returning. During those years, Toby saw what the effect of war had on his father. He wasn’t the same.

Toby was the one friend I could talk to about that. Yet another reason I couldn’t have feelings for Maggie.

“Is your name Maggie?” I asked.

She laughed. “Um, yes my name is Maggie. Did you forget that already?”

“No, what I meant was, is that your given name?”

“No it’s not. Margaret is what they named me at birth—after my grandmother on my dad’s side. She was the same one that brought me here. It’s funny you ask that now.” She pulled her cap from her head and pushed it into the pocket of her sweater. She pulled part of it through the hole in her pocket.

“This was her sweater.” She smiled a sad smile.

“You loved her a lot.”

“I did. She spent her life just being there for people. She was the person I always went to when I was sick. If I couldn’t go to school because I was sick, she’d come over and just sit with me while I watched TV. She’d wear this sweater, and she always had tissues in the pocket and she’d pull one out for me.”