Quicksilver Dreams (Dreamwalkers) (36 page)

There had never been a kind or caring moment with my grandmother or my aunt, almost literally, which was why I eventually learned how to shut down emotionally when they started in on me. I spent years feeling like a roach in the kitchen, feelings hurt, dejected, yada, yada, yada.
Stupid
,
thoughtless girl.
Think you’re better than the rest of us because you’re pretty?
Just like your mother
,
not caring about anyone but yourself
, I heard too many times to count. It all went into the do-not-open box in my brain.

I wouldn’t be able to do that with Ryder. He meant something to me. I’d let him in. He knew too much. It was really going to hurt when things went down tonight. This was so not a good idea. I knew better! Maybe I could leave before he arrived?

Coward!
I heard myself say reproachfully.
You aren’t a child anymore.
Stop hiding!
Be the strong woman you want to be.

“There are water bottles in the fridge, if you wouldn’t mind.” Sy’s gray eyes were somberly watching me. Funny how his whole flirtatious persona was gone. He was very chameleon-like, and not as innocuous as he might want everyone to perceive him to be. I could see how he would be great at covert work. No one would think anything other than “surfer guy” if they were hanging out with him.

“I’ll get you one.” I went to the fridge and opened it, finding it full of all kinds of food fixings, which seemed to be mocking me. There was enough food to make several meals for multiple people. Grabbing a water bottle from the side door, I set it on the table next to Sy and took a seat across from him, awkwardly silent, not knowing what to do with myself.

“Thanks.” He took a deep swallow.

The table itself was rustic looking, made of some kind of distressed wood, and my fingers lightly traced the nooks and crevices.
Shit
,
shit
,
shit.
The food I’d just eaten was now sitting heavily at the bottom of my stomach. I could feel it burning a hole in my gut. And the silence was starting to get on my nerves. I tried to think of something to say, some light conversation that would keep my mind occupied.

“So how long have you known Ryder?”

“About ten, twelve years. Since he saved my ass from a beating I didn’t deserve.”

“What happened?”

“When I was about twenty, a dumb girl was trying to make her boyfriend jealous and came on to me. I didn’t realize she was playing me until I found myself surrounded by three guys who were drunk and wanting to beat my face in. Ryder, who wasn’t much older than I was at the time, had seen the whole thing. He tried to talk the guys down, but they weren’t having it. They threw the first punch, but then Ryder and I cleaned up.”

I thought about the guy at the club who’d tried to make a grab for my ass. “I’ve seen him take someone out before. He can be ruthless.”

“Ryder’s a good guy to have on your side. He’s a guy who doesn’t put up with bullshit. Never has.”

I nodded, seeing the truth of those words.

“Listen, Taylor.” Sy grabbed one of the napkins from the takeout bag and ran it over his mouth. “Ryder’s intense, and he can maybe seem overwhelming, but he’s the best guy I know. He’s real. What you see is what you get, and he’s loyal to a fault. He lives his beliefs, and just so you know, he’s not a big ladies’ man who goes out trolling for women. He doesn’t ever bring women back here. You’re the first.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, taking a deep breath. Hearing Sy defend him was helping calm the churning, emotional roller coaster my brain was taking me on.

“I don’t know. What do you think it means?” He challenged me with a firm, unrelenting stare.

“I don’t know! I know he’s had me under surveillance for a while.”

“Six months.”

“
You were in on this investigation too?
”

“From the beginning, until he decided to make a move to get closer to you, and he needed to be more covert.”

“Sy, a lot’s gone down that you don’t know about.” A lot I didn’t want to have to talk about just yet. “I know this doesn’t really mean anything to him in a personal way. He’s just worried about me. He wants to catch Frank and whoever is helping Frank with this mylunate terrorism.”

“So you don’t have any feelings for him?”

“I’m not saying that...” I looked down at my hands, surprised to find them nervously shredding a napkin. Memories of the passion we’d shared on Te’re rose to mind, and I remembered riding him, panting and moaning at the same time that my entire body was strung with need and hunger. I came apart to the sound of him shouting his pleasure, our bodies slick with sweat, heat and triumph.

“Christ, Taylor, have a little mercy here.” Sy shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

“What?” I blinked, coming back to the moment a bit flushed. That’s when I realized Sy could see and feel what I was thinking and feeling, which was absolutely mortifying. Ducking my head, I quickly erected my mental wall, mumbling, “So sorry.”

“It’s okay. Not exactly a prude, but don’t want to be a Peeping Tom. At least not with my best friend. With anyone else it’s open season.” He grinned, his dimples making a quick appearance before he took another bite of sandwich, chewing thoughtfully. “The point I was trying to make was that he feels connected to you, which I’ve only seen him do with one other female, and she turned out to be an opportunist. I’m just saying take care. He seems like a big beast, I know, but see if you can look past that.”

Another female? Hmm. The thought made me unhappy, but I didn’t get to dwell on it.

Suddenly, a blue, oval light filled the room, almost too bright to even look at and more brilliantly beautiful than I’d ever seen before. I gasped with the suddenness of it all and flashed a panicked look at Sy, but he ignored it and kept eating as though nothing were happening. When the light dimmed, Ryder was standing there, larger than life. I’d forgotten how big he actually was until he appeared, seeming to shrink the space around him. My eyes drank in the sight of him greedily. His black hair looked mussed, and his green eyes were dark and grim as he caught sight of me. As nervous as I was, my body still reacted to the sight of him, heart pinging against my chest and flushed breathlessness descending on me.

“She brought us sandwiches,” Sy offered in a cheerful tone, though his eyes remained serious and watchful.

“Where’s your phone?” Ryder ignored Sy’s comment, his voice sounding dangerously calm. He stalked across the room, grabbed the chair next to mine and yanked it out to sit on it, crowding my space with his large form.

Falling back on old habits, I didn’t back away. I learned early in life never to look scared, because that’s when you got punked. In fact, I chose to cross my legs, which I have to say looked absolutely fabulous in my daisy dukes, and I swung the top one nonchalantly to show that I was cool as a cucumber, though I wasn’t. Bravado. It’s my knee-jerk reaction to dealing with any stressful situation. I pretend my way through it.

“It’s in the smaller bedroom, recharging,” I replied evenly, refusing to show that I was feeling intimidated, though I was. I mean, shit, he was much bigger than I was and was likely twice my weight, not that I thought he was going to hurt me. I’m just not used to having big men invade my space.

“Why didn’t you let us know you were leaving?” He was beginning to emphasize his words individually, as though I were a simpleton who had trouble understanding spoken language, and that had my anger stirring. What an ass.

“You said to interrupt if there was an emergency. There was no emergency other than I was hungry.”

“You could have interrupted us any time.”

“I didn’t feel comfortable doing that.”

“Why didn’t you just grab something from the fridge?”

“It’s not my house.” My tone became snappier. Ryder was treating me like a child, thinking it was his place to question me about my activities, and Sy was watching us with growing amusement, which was completely embarrassing. It was making me feel like I was just the “silly little woman,” which I hate.

“I told you to make yourself at home.”

“Yeah, just before you ran out of the room like your ass was on fire. How strange that I didn’t feel comfortable after that!” My voice was beginning to drip sarcasm, and his eyes narrowed darkly.

“I didn’t
run
out of the room. I left to get started working. I’m trying to keep you from being killed, remember?”

“Whatever, Ryder. You say tomato... What’s the point of this? I was hungry and went down to get food. You have no right to sit here and question me.”

“Some guys almost grab you off the street, and I go through the trouble of saving your ass, and you think I don’t have the right to question you when you do something irresponsible?”

“I wasn’t irresponsible. I left a note. And just to remind you, I’m not a prisoner. I can walk out any time I choose.”

“Just try it,” he growled.

“Oh, yeah?” I stood with purpose. Adrenaline kicked in. It raced through my system on overload, making me feel powerful.

Ryder did the same. We glared at each other, him looking down and me looking up, both of us breathing heavily.

“Yeah.” There were mere inches separating us, and he was just waiting for me to make a move.

“You don’t own me, pal. I’ll step out into traffic if I want to,” I snarled.

“Cut it out,” Sy said sharply from the other side of the table. He stood.

“Stay out of this,” Ryder growled, not breaking eye contact with me.

“The hell I will. Back off unless you want her to knee you in the nuts. She wanted to grab us food. Excellent. And Taylor? He was worried about your safety. Is that wrong? Surrounded by goddamn children,” he muttered. He snatched up his empty food containers and stalked off to dispose of his trash in the receptacle under the sink.

We continued to glare at each other, but after a moment, I just felt like crying. My sense of helplessness and anxiety overwhelmed me. This really sucked. I couldn’t do helpless and reliant. I knew for certain that I refused to be Ryder’s problem, but already he’d been out looking for me, likely cursing me for the trouble. I was used to that from my family, which was why I worked so hard to insulate myself. I couldn’t bear the thought of him feeling like I was just a pain in the ass.

I knew it would really be better for me to go back to my apartment and let whatever happened happen. Some people were lucky and others were not when it came to the lottery of whom you were birthed to and the kind of support you had from loved ones. I’d always been a pragmatist when it came to viewing my lot in life, and it was no different now.

“You got me a sandwich?” he murmured after a moment of silence.

“I did.” I released pent-up air and felt my eyes burn. Quickly, I tried to blink the moisture away.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’m sorry you were worried. I left a note on the sink.”

“Didn’t see it. Please keep your phone on you.”

“I usually do, but I couldn’t plug it in last night.”

I could practically see the memories parading through Ryder’s mind as his eyes turned sensual and his lips relaxed from their tight line. “I’m hungry.”

I wasn’t sure if he was talking about food, but I pretended he was. “Yours is on the table.”

And so he sat and ate, which allowed me to regain my equilibrium.

Sy decided to play video games, and I sat at the table with Ryder, who kept watching me with his intense green eyes. I thought about Sy’s comment that Ryder was drawn to me but wasn’t sure what to do with that, knowing that if he was drawn to me, it was grudgingly. Resentfully. I watched Sy’s video-game character hide behind a building and wait for the sniper to appear. He finally managed to take the sniper out and hooted in success.

“Now that’s how you do it!” He looked over his shoulder to the dining table and winked at me, his playful self once again evident. “You like video games, Taylor?”

“I do, but I don’t know how to play that one. I guess I’m kind of old-school. I need a joystick and a button. That looks confusing.”

“We’ve got others, but this one’s pretty cool. I’ll be glad to teach you.”

“Okay.”

“Great. It’s a
date.
Have a seat next to me.” He patted the couch.

“No, it’s not,” Ryder stated firmly. “She’s about to be busy.”

“She’s got a few minutes while you finish eating.”

Ryder scowled. “She doesn’t know you like I do.”

“Geesh,” I said with some exasperation. “She can answer for herself, and what she wants to do is play a video game.” I got up and sat by Sy, uncomplicated Sy, who pulled up a video game where we could race around San Francisco in sports cars. Ryder looked on like an agitated bear, which Sy took as a green light to further aggravate him.

“By the way, what Ryder forgot to tell you is that I’m an amazing technological wizard, long-distance swimmer, basket weaver and tango dancer,” he said loudly in a stage whisper as we began to play. I was controlling a virtual red Corvette, which was likely the closest I would ever get to actually driving one.

“And major player,” Ryder muttered brusquely.

“I think of myself as being a lover of women,” Sy corrected. “Anything is worth trying, if I can meet beautiful women while doing it.”

“Basket weaving?” I arched an eyebrow, then winced because I crashed my car under an overpass, taking a turn too quickly. It took a moment for the car to regenerate and begin racing again.

“There were a lot of women in the class.” He smiled with a blissful look on his face, as though reliving a lovely memory. I decided not to ask. His inattention allowed me to speed ahead of him, and he frowned in concentration again.

“That’s the reason our place is so well decorated,” Ryder stated darkly.

“Tango?”

“I thought it would be a great way to meet sexy women.”

“Did you meet sexy women?”

“A few, but they were spoken for. I’ve decided my next attempt will be coed beach volleyball.”

“Aren’t
you
like our favorite cartoon coyote.” I shook my head with mock admiration. “Try and try again.”