Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) (37 page)

RIDGEON Yes.

EMMY Have you put on your clean vest?

RIDGEON Yes.

EMMY Thats my ducky diamond! Now keep yourself tidy and dont go messing about and dirtying your hands: the people are coming to congratulate you. [She goes out].

SIR COLENSO RIDGEON is a man of fifty who has never shaken off his youth. He has the off-handed manner and the little audacities of address which a shy and sensitive man acquires in breaking himself in to intercourse with all sorts and conditions of men. His face is a good deal lined; his movements are slower
than,
for instance, REDPENNY’s; and his flaxen hair has lost its lustre; but in figure and manner he is more the young man than the titled physician. Even the lines in his face are those of overwork and restless scepticism, perhaps partly of curiosity and appetite, rather than of age. Just at present the announcement of his knighthood in the morning papers makes him specially self-conscious, and consequently specially off-hand with REDPENNY.

RIDGEON Have you seen the papers? Youll have to alter the name in the letters if you havnt.

REDPENNY Emmy has just told me. I’m awfully glad. I—

RIDGEON Enough, young man, enough. You will soon get accustomed to it.

REDPENNY They ought to have done it years ago.

RIDGEON They would have; only they couldnt stand Emmy opening the door, I daresay.

EMMY [
at the door, announcing
] Dr Shoemaker.
[She withdraws]. A middle-aged gentleman, well dressed, comes in with a friendly but propitiatory air, not quite sure of his reception. His combination of soft manners and responsive kindliness, with a certain unseizable reserve and a familiar yet foreign chiselling of feature, reveal the Jew:
⁵
in this instance the handsome gentlemanly Jew, gone a little pigeon-
breasted
^ep
and stale after thirty, as handsome young Jews often do, but still decidedly good-looking.

THE GENTLEMAN Do you remember me? Schutzmacher. University College school and Belsize Avenue. Loony Schutzmacher, you know.

RIDGEON What! Loony!
[He shakes hands cordially].
Why, man, I thought you were dead long ago. Sit down. [
SCHUTZMACHER sits on the couch: RIDGEON on the chair between it and the window].
Where have you been these thirty years?

SCHUTZMACHER In general practice, until a few months ago. Ive retired.

RIDGEON Well done, Loony! I wish I could afford to retire. Was your practice in London?

SCHUTZMACHER No.

RIDGEON Fashionable coast practice, I suppose.

SCHUTZMACHER How could I afford to buy a fashionable practice? I hadnt a rap. I set up in a manufacturing town in the midlands in a little surgery at ten shillings a week.

RIDGEON And made your fortune?

SCHUTZMACHER Well, I’m pretty comfortable. I have a place in Hertfordshire besides our flat in town. If you ever want a quiet Saturday to Monday, I’ll take you down in my motor at an hour’s notice.

RIDGEON Just rolling in money! I wish you rich g. p.’s would teach me how to make some. Whats the secret of it?

SCHUTZMACHER Oh, in my case the secret was simple enough, though I suppose I should have got into trouble if it had attracted any notice. And I’m afraid you’ll think it rather infra dig.
^eq

RIDGEON Oh, I have an open mind. What was the secret?

SCHUTZMACHER Well, the secret was just two words.

RIDGEON Not Consultation Free, was it?

SCHLITZMACHER
[shocked]
No, no. Really!

RIDGEON
[apologetic]
Of course not. I was only joking.

SCHUTZMACHER My two words were simply Cure Guaranteed.

RIDGEON
[admiring]
Cure Guaranteed!

SCHUTZMACHER Guaranteed. After all, thats what everybody wants from a doctor, isnt it?

RIDGEON My dear Loony, it was an inspiration. Was it on the brass plate?

SCHUTZMACHER There was no brass plate. It was a shop window: red, you know, with black lettering. Doctor Leo Schutzmacher, L. R. C. P. M. R. C. S.
^er
Advice and medicine sixpence. Cure Guaranteed.

RIDGEON And the guarantee proved sound nine times out of ten, eh?

SCHUTZMACHER
[rather hurt at so moderate an estimate]
Oh, much oftener than that. You see, most people get well all right if they are careful and you give them a little sensible advice. And the medicine really did them good. Parrish’s Chemical Food: phosphates, you know. One tablespoonful to a twelve-ounce bottle of water: nothing better, no matter what the case is.

RIDGEON Redpenny: make a note of Parrish’s Chemical Food.

SCHUTZMACHER I take it myself, you know, when I feel run down. Good-bye. You dont mind my calling, do you? Just to congratulate you.

RIDGEON Delighted, my dear Loony. Come to lunch on Saturday next week. Bring your motor and take me down to Hertford.

SCHLITZMACHER I will. We shall be delighted. Thank you. Good-bye.
[He goes out with RIDGEON, who returns immediately].

REDPENNY Old Paddy Cullen was here before you were up, to be the first to congratulate you.

RIDGEON Indeed. Who taught you to speak of Sir Patrick Cullen as old Paddy Cullen, you young ruffian?

REDPENNY You never call him anything else.

RIDGEON Not now that I am Sir Colenso. Next thing, you fellows will be calling me old Colly Ridgeon.

REDPENNY We do, at St. Anne’s.

RIDGEON Yach! Thats what makes the medical student the most disgusting figure in modern civilization. No veneration, no manners—no—

EMMY [
at the door, announcing
] Sir Patrick Cullen. [She retires].
SIR PATRICK CULLEN is more than twenty years older than
RIDGEON, not yet quite at the end of his tether, but near it and resigned to it. His name, his plain, downright, sometimes rather arid common sense, his large build and stature, the absence of those odd moments of ceremonial servility by which an old English doctor sometimes shews you what the status of the profession was in England in his youth, and an occasional turn of speech, are Irish; but he has lived all his life in England and is thoroughly acclimatized. His manner to RIDGEON, whom he likes, is whimsical and fatherly: to others he is a little gruff and uninviting, apt to substitute more or less expressive grunts for articulate speech, and generally indisposed, at his age, to make much social effort. He shakes RIDGEON’s hand and beams at him cordially and jocularly.

SIR PATRICK Well, young chap. Is your hat too small for you, eh?

RIDGEON Much too small. I owe it all to you.

SIR PATRICK Blarney, my boy. Thank you all the same.
[He sits in one of the arm-chairs near the fireplace. RIDGEON sits on the couch].
Ive come to talk to you a bit. [To REDPENNY] Young man: get out.

REDPENNY Certainly, Sir Patrick [He collects his papers and
makes for the door
]
.

SIR PATRICK Thank you. Thats a good lad. [
REDPENNY vanishes
]
.
They all put up with me, these young chaps, because I’m an old man, a real old man, not like you.Youre only beginning to give yourself the airs of age. Did you ever see a boy cultivating a moustache? Well, a middle-aged doctor cultivating a grey head is much the same sort of spectacle.

RIDGEON Good Lord! yes: I suppose so. And I thought that the days of my vanity were past. Tell me: at what age does a man leave off being a fool?

SIR PATRICK Remember the Frenchman who asked his grandmother at what age we get free from the temptations of love. The old woman said she didnt know. [
RIDGEON laughs
]
.
Well, I make you the same answer. But the world’s growing very interesting to me now, Colly.

RIDGEON You keep up your interest in science, do you?

SIR PATRICK Lord! yes. Modern science is a wonderful thing. Look at your great discovery! Look at all the great discoveries! Where are they leading to? Why, right back to my poor dear old father’s ideas and discoveries. He’s been dead now over forty years. Oh, it’s very interesting.

RIDGEON Well, theres nothing like progress, is there?

SIR PATRICK Dont misunderstand me, my boy. I’m not belittling your discovery. Most discoveries are made regularly every fifteen years; and it’s fully a hundred and fifty since yours was made last. Thats something to be proud of. But your discovery’s not new. It’s only inoculation. My father practised inoculation until it was made criminal in eighteen-forty. That broke the poor old man’s heart, Colly: he died of it. And now it turns out that my father was right after all. Youve brought us back to inoculation.

RIDGEON I know nothing about smallpox. My line is tuberculosis and typhoid and plague. But of course the principle of all vaccines is the same.

SIR PATRICK Tuberculosis? M-m-m-m!Youve found out how to cure consumption, eh?

RIDGEON I believe so.

SIR PATRICK Ah yes. It’s very interesting. What is it the old cardinal says in Browning’s play? “I have known four and twenty leaders of revolt.”
⁶
Well, Ive known over thirty men that found out how to cure consumption. Why do people go on dying of it, Colly? Devilment, I suppose. There was my father’s old friend George Boddington of Sutton Coldfield. He discovered the open-air cure in eighteen-forty. He was ruined and driven out of his practice for only opening the windows; and now we wont let a consumptive patient have as much as a roof over his head. Oh, it’s very very interesting to an old man.

RIDGEON You old cynic, you dont believe a bit in my discovery.

SIR PATRICK No, no: I dont go quite so far as that, Colly. But still, you remember Jane Marsh?

RIDGEON Jane Marsh? No.

SIR PATRICK You dont!

RIDGEON No.

SIR PATRICK You mean to tell me you dont remember the woman with the tuberculosus ulcer on her arm?

RIDGEON
[enlightened]
Oh, your washerwoman’s daughter. Was her name Jane Marsh? I forgot.

SIR PATRICK Perhaps youve forgotten also that you undertook to cure her with Koch’s tuberculin.

RIDGEON And instead of curing her, it rotted her arm right off. Yes: I remember. Poor Jane! However, she makes a good living out of that arm now by shewing it at medical lectures.

SIR PATRICK Still, that wasnt quite what you intended, was it?

RIDGEON I took my chance of it.

SIR PATRICK Jane did, you mean.

RIDGEON Well, it’s always the patient who has to take the chance when an experiment is necessary. And we can find out nothing without experiment.

SIR PATRICK What did you find out from Jane’s case?

RIDGEON I found out that the inoculation that ought to cure sometimes kills.

SIR PATRICK I could have told you that. Ive tried these modern inoculations a bit myself. Ive killed people with them; and Ive cured people with them; but I gave them up because I never could tell which I was going to do.

RIDGEON
[taking a pamphlet from a drawer in the writing-table and handing it to him]
Read that the next time you have an hour to spare; and youll find out why.

SIR PATRICK [
grumbling and fumbling for his spectacles]
Oh, bother your pamphlets. Whats the practice of it? [
Lookins at the pamphlet
] Opsonin? What the devil is opsonin?

RIDGEON Opsonin is what you butter the disease germs with to make your white blood corpuscles eat them. [He sits down
again
on the couch].

SIR PATRICK Thats not new. Ive heard this notion that the white corpuscles—what is it that whats his name?—Metchnikoff—calls them?

RIDGEON Phagocytes.

SIRPATRICK Aye, phagocytes: yes, yes, yes. Well, I heard this theory that the phagocytes eat up the disease germs years ago: long before you came into fashion. Besides, they dont always eat them.

RIDGEON They do when you butter them with opsonin.

SIR PATRICK Gammon.
^es

RIDGEON No: it’s not gammon. What it comes to in practice is this. The phagocytes wont eat the microbes unless the microbes are nicely buttered for them. Well, the patient manufactures the butter for himself all right; but my discovery is that the manufacture of that butter, which I call opsonin, goes on in the system by ups and downs—Nature being always rhythmical, you know—and that what the inoculation does is to stimulate the ups or downs, as the case may be. If we had inoculated Jane Marsh when her butter factory was on the up-grade, we should have cured her arm. But we got in on the down-grade and lost her arm for her. I call the up-grade the positive phase and the down-grade the negative phase. Everything depends on your inoculating at the right moment. Inoculate when the patient is in the negative phase and you kill: inoculate when the patient is in the positive phase and you cure.

SIR PATRICK And pray how are you to know whether the patient is in the positive or the negative phase?

RIDGEON Send a drop of the patient’s blood to the laboratory at St. Anne’s; and in fifteen minutes I’ll give you his opsonin index in figures. If the figure is one, inoculate and cure: if it’s under point eight, inoculate and kill. Thats my discovery: the most important that has been made since Harvey discovered the circulation of the blood. My tuberculosis patients dont die now.

SIR PATRICK And mine do when my inoculation catches them in the negative phase, as you call it. Eh?

RIDGEON Precisely. To inject a vaccine into a patient without first testing his opsonin is as near murder as a respectable practitioner can get. If I wanted to kill a man I should kill him that way.

EMMY [
looking
in] Will you see a lady that wants her husband’s lungs cured?

RIDGEON [
impatiently
] No. Havnt I told you I will see nobody?
[To SIR PATRICK]
I live in a state of siege ever since it got about that I’m a magician who can cure consumption with a drop of serum.
[To EMMY
] Dont come to me again about people who have no appointments. I tell you I can see nobody.