Protective Love (Hidden Secrets) (27 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

~KAYLA~

Weeks passed
in a blur of work and taking care of Cara.  Carson was also released from the hospital and had been a major pain in the ass because he couldn’t do the shit he wanted.  He really was a big fucking baby.

“Curry stop!  Carson
James Williams!  You stop right now or I will leave your fucking ass here!”

“You wouldn’t?” Carson piped back.

“I would!  I could be sitting down having a nice lunch with Jason, but instead I’m here listening to your baby ass whine about not being able to do something because your dumb ass had to go out and take the fucking world on,” I ranted.

“You know you sit there talking all big and tough, but yet you sit here too chicken to say what you feel
,”  Carson goaded.

He
was being an asshole and normally I would have taken pity on him, but I was just that edgy and irritated that I just didn’t give a damn!

“How I’m feeling?  You want me to know how I’
m feeling?” I stare at him as he stands there pushing every last one of my buttons.

“Yes, little girl.  I’d like to know how you’re feeling because it seems to me that you are being a damn princess when it comes to handling everything around you.”  He
mimicked me in a high pitch voice. “My name is Kayla, and I’m too scared to feel anything or do anything about my feelings when I do.”

What the hell?

When I woke up that morning and got the phone call from my mom, I just had a damn feeling it was going to be an awful day!  There I was opening my doors for my fucking brother, and how did I get repaid?  He was bashing me.  After everything that I had been through, he wanted to start on me., when he was… no, I wasn’t going to blame him for anything. But I was damn sure not going to let him take his nasty mood out on me!

“Listen to me closely
, you fucking asshole!  I have opened my doors to you and allowed you in my home, and for what?  For you to belittle me and make fun of me?  Yeah, I am scared. I think I have every fucking right to be scared.  Damn it!  You live your life, having shit taken from you on a nearly day to day basis.  Have your life ran by the fear that he could be around the next corner.  Have your life full of excuses for every mark he left on your body or ever bone broken or stitch needed.  You live what I have been through, Carson, and tell me how you fucking
feel.
Right now, I’m scared to breath in fear that he might hear me.  Then there’s fucking Jason…”

My anger
left me, replaced by sadness and love.  It was conflicting, but it wasn’t enough for me not to know where I stood and how lost I was.  I dropped to the floor and buried my head in my hands.

“I love Jason, but he can’t love me
,” I say softly.

Carson
moved down next to me with a grunt and a groan of pain.  He wrapped me in his arms and held me for a minute.

“Why can’t
he love you, KK?”

“Really?  You have to ask?  Look at my life.  My natural instinct is to run and hide.  When something happens
, I want to close up and shut down.  I’m weak.  You know what they say about the weak.”

“Okay
, first Kayla, your life?  Only you can change that.  Stop giving him the control over you.  Stop letting him take over you.  You took good steps in doing that by reporting him.  I can’t be more proud of you for that.  As far as being weak
;
yes, the weak may slow us down, but it is the weak who see everything. The strong are moving too fast to notice the small things that will grow bigger with time. The weak are smarter, and can spot the holes. The strong ignore the holes and just hope that no one can see through them.  I’m not strong either, Kayla.  Everyone has weak points at some point or another.  It’s how we act and react to those moments that determine how strong we are.  Kay, you are not weak.  Every day you continue on carrying this burden with you. You managed to not only complete school and become a vet, but you did it with a perfect GPA.  You run a very successful shelter and give animals a second chance.  So when do you get a second chance? When do you get to see what life has in store for you?”

I stared at my brother
, unsure what to say to him.  No answers were coming to mind and as much as I wanted to believe him and believe in his speech, history had taught me that what I wanted to believe in and what happened were two totally different things.

“Curry, you know as well as I do that my life—
hell, maybe even me in general—is not meant to have love in it.  If it were…” I shrugged and let my sentence trail off.

“If it were, he would have said it to you by now?”

I nodded my head. 

“If he loved me he would have told me by now. He doesn’t
… he can’t.”

Carson hugged me tighter for a
minute, then looked at me with sadness in his eyes.  He had expressive eyes.  It always got him in trouble when we were kids because mom and dad could tell everything he was thinking just by looking in his eyes.

“My dear smart
- but stupid – sister; have you ever thought that
maybe
he might be waiting until you’re ready to accept it?  Maybe even for you to say it first?  Come on, put yourself in his shoes.  He doesn’t want to scare you or move too fast.  Jason doesn’t want to lose you KK.  I bet if you say it first, he will tell you then, and not just because you said it.  Remember, you said it yourself; your natural instinct is to run.  Trust me on this, I’m a guy,” he laughed as he elbowed me in the side.

I had a lot to think about.  If what Carson
said was true, then maybe it was time to put my big girl panties on and face whatever fate had in store for me.  Butterflies immediately formed in my stomach.

“Kay, the hard part is over.  You fell in love.  With everything that you have been through and everything that you have endured together, it should be easier to tell him than actually falling.  Now
, can you help me off this damn floor?” he said, smiling his ‘I won’ smile at me.

Realization dawned on me. 

“You planned that, didn’t you?”

“Kay, brothers know things about their sisters.  Even when they’re too stubborn to see what is right in front of their faces.  So
, as your brother, I gave you the push you needed.  You can thank me by getting me off the fucking floor.”

“
Oh, you are such a baby!”

Once I helped him off the floor, I hurried and flipped the mattress
then made the bed.  I hated that he was hurt, but even more since it was because of me.  So if I had to put up with him in my house until he was able to get around a little more, that was what I was going to do. Mary had left a week earlier to go back on tour, so it was nice to not be alone again.

When he was settled and resting, I went out to my kitchen.  Everything that Carson had said to me played over and over in my mind.  What if Carson was right
, and he was just waiting for me to make that move?  It would make sense, he was always concerned about the things he said or did for fear it would push me away.  I checked the time.  I was going to bring him lunch.  I grabbed my phone and sent him a text.

Me
:  I want to bring your lunch.  We need to talk about something.

Jason
:  I’m about a mile away near a warehouse.  Currently sitting inside a hot van with far too many people in it. LOL

Me
:  Can I bring you lunch?

Jason
:  Sure, I would love to see you.  It would make my day so much better.

Jason gave me directions to where he was
; it wasn’t a bad walk from my apartment, so I decided to walk over.  I checked in on Carson - he was out like a light.  He had his pain meds in his system, and a damn parade could have come through my condo and he wouldn’t wake up.  I laughed to myself.  Just in case, I left a note on the stand next to his bed.

I headed out the door and stopped at one of my favorite food trucks on the way.  I couldn’t wait to see Jason.  He had been back to work for a couple of weeks now.  He said that the Captain was really on his case about the fact that Alex hasn’t been in contact since the night Jason was shot.  I had so many opinions on that, but I couldn’t tell Jason.  I didn’t want to interfere with his job.

It was beautiful out today.  For the first time in such a long time, I wasn’t scared to go off my normal path.  It was Jason; he made me feel so free.  I loved Jason, and I was going to tell him.

When I turned the corner
, he was standing outside a van parked on the side of the street.  I smiled just looking at him.  His arm was no longer in a sling.  It bothered him from time to time, but he said for the most part he was good.  It wasn’t a constant reminder for me anymore.  A reminder that my life crashed into his and he was hurt.

He looked up and saw me then and smiled.  I felt my insides melt.  I loved him and I was going to finally take the first step and tell him.  I could almost dance.  When I reached him, I rose up on my toes and kissed him.  He kissed me back
, and wrapped his arms around me.  After a few moments, he broke the kiss.

“Come on.  Let’s go inside for some privacy
,” he winked at me and I blushed.

We went in and
he set two crates up for us to sit on, and a third to use as a table.  We ate and talked about Carson being in the condo.

“He’s going to be a pain in my ass, I can already tell
,” I laughed.

“You’re excited, I can tell.  You like taking care of people and animal
s,” he smiled.

I just shrugged. 

The Captain walked in, and when he started looking at me, I stiffened.  Jason turned around to see what I was looking at, and turned back around with a quizzical look on his face.  I just shook my head.  There was a time and place for everything.  I had every intention on telling Jason, but it wasn’t going to be right then, and especially not in front of the Captain himself.

“Gold, I need to speak with you.  Just a few minutes
, then you can get back to your date,” he glared at me.

Fear like I
hadn’t felt in a while started to inch its way up my spine.  I visibly shuddered the minute they were out of sight.  While Jason was gone, I cleaned up our mess and put everything back to where it was.  When Jason came back in his mood had changed.  He  didn’t look happy anymore.

“So you wanted to talk about something?  I have to go back to work in a couple minutes.”

“Oh, uh, yeah, I’d like to, um, well, see I’d like to tell you…”

Carson was a fucking liar!  This shit was a hell of a lot harder than falling in love.  Actually saying it to him
was a whole different ball game.  The fact that he didn’t look happy made my stomach turn.  I took a deep breath.  It was time to face down the world and go after what makes me happy.

“I wanted to tell you…,” another deep breath.  “I love you, Jason.  I have for a while, but haven’t been able to say it.  I was afraid that you would turn me away if I did.  Only I think that maybe it’s my turn to make the first move for once.”

I looked up in his face and took a step towards him.  “I love you.”  I smiled.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  The look on his face was nothing but sadness and pain.  My smile faded.

Pain?

“I’m sorry, but I
… I…”

He kept dragging it out.  He kept putting my nerves on edge and I just couldn’t do it anymore.  Whatever he was going to tell me
- whatever he had to say – wasn’t good, and I just wanted to know so I could start dealing with whatever events would follow.

“Just fucking say it!” I screamed.

He took a big shaky breath.

“I don’t feel the same way about you.”

I laughed.  I couldn’t help it.  He had to be joking with me.  What I’d felt from him over the course of our relationship -those weren’t lies.  They couldn’t be.  That first night back after the hotel, he needed to be with me just as much as I needed to be with him.  It couldn’t have all been a lie.

“That’s not funny, Jason
,” I said, my voice shaking about as bad as my body was.

He closed his eyes again and sucked in another shaky breath.  His face portrayed pain and loss, but yet he still says.
 

“It wasn’t meant to be a joke, Ms. Williams. I…”

I jerked my head back and stared at him.

Ms. Williams?

It wasn’t sunshine or Kayla… it was Ms. Williams.

What the hell just happened?

My heart was aching and I felt like my knees were going to give out.  I stared at him.  His mouth was still moving, but I couldn’t hear anything he was saying.  I shook my head and took a couple of steps backwards.  I felt like I had literally been punched in the heart.

“When we started this case, we were supposed to be portraying a couple…”