Private Parts (51 page)

Was there ever a threesome?

A star was born!

Everybody came up to me a
t the end and asked me who I was. I was thrilled, especially when they talked about me on "The McLaughlin Group" and they referred to me as Mr. Melendez. I had no idea it was going to be that big. I actually was hoping I could get on Letterman.

John's instant celebrity began to go to his head. He actually developed the delusion that he should be getting paid for his work as an intern and he began making unreasonable demands on management. But we developed a strategy to jerk his chain a bit. We found a guy named Don who suffered from Tourette's syndrome, an affliction characterized by wild uncontrollable grunting, cursing, and involuntary muscle spasms. Then we sent Don out to interview some porn stars, and on our TV show that weekend we ran Don's best interviews alongside the worst of Stuttering John's. Then we asked the viewers to vote on whom they preferred. John was devastated. Would we dump him for someone with Tourette's? Of course John won, and we got him a nice salary.

Despite his newfound celebrity, not too much had changed. Recently, John went to the Grammys and got thrown out after he asked Debbie Gibson, "If the group Wilson Phillips should win the award, do you think the fat one will eat the statue?"

As a result of our insightful questions, we were disinvited to the Grammys:

In response to the overwhelming complaints from celebrities, managers and other
important
electronic media who shared the TV/Radio room with representatives of the "Howard Stern Show" last year, I am afraid that we cannot accommodate your request for radio credentials.

It isn't easy being Stuttering John anymore, but still he goes out into the night in search of his elusive prey. He hunts down Madonna so he can ask her:

Do you bleach your pubes?

He trails John F. Kennedy, Jr., so he can find out:

Do girls encourage you not to use condoms so they can get their hands on that Kennedy moolah?

John stammers it up with Debbie Gibson.

And there's no describing the joy he feels when he finally nails someone he's been searching for for years. That happened recently when John met up with New York's distinguished mayor, David Dinkins.

John asked him if he would ever park his car in a Puerto Rican neighborhood and if, after he's done in the bathroom, he checks after he's done wiping. An aide came out and knocked him aside. It was a classic Stuttering John confrontation. But the mayor realized how foolish it was to avoid Stuttering John the first time, so the next time they met the mayor was ready and he graciously answered John's stupid questions:

STUTTERING JOHN: Because you sweat so much, how many gallons of water do you have to drink? MAYOR DINKINS: About seven or eight. STUTTERING JOHN: Are there any mayoral groupies? AAAYOR DINKINS: Sure, bunches of them. That's how I got elected. STUTTERING JOHN: Do you sleep on a sponge? MAYOR DINKINS: No. Do you recommend it? STUTTERING JOHN: How many shirts do you sweat up in a day? MAYOR DINKINS: About fourteen or fifteen. STUTTERING JOHN: Do you sweat in the shower? MAYOR DINKINS: It's hard to tell because water is pouring on me.

I'm not a supporter of David Dinkins, but even I felt the interview had been a bit over the line. It was disrespectful.

The mayor was so gracious that I felt guilty. I was also afraid he'd send the police chief after me. I immediately started yelling at John for asking such rude and ridiculous questions. I was outraged! John was perplexed. "But you told me to ask those questions," he cried.

"I know, but it doesn't matter," I said. I knew that there was only one thing to do: call the mayor's office and blame it on someone else. I got through to the mayor's press office and put them on the air:

"I want to inform you of a hoax that may have been played," I said. "There was a gentleman who represented himself as a reporter from the 'Howard Stern Show' and he interviewed the mayor. It was
not
the 'Howard Stern Show.' It was another radio station that did it. We did not ask the questions about sweating and sleeping on a sponge, and while some people might find that humorous, I do not.

I think the mayor works pretty hard and just because he sweats a lot people shouldn't be making fun of that. I think the mayor can be asked fun questions, but those questions were just a little rough and presented the mayor in a bad light. I had nothing to do with it and neither did Stuttering John. It was either the Len Berman show on WFAN or possibly Scott Shannon or someone like that. I'm sure he's upset about it."

"I don't know if the mayor is upset about it," his spokesman said. "The mayor is under a lot of pressure and he gets a lot of attention and sometimes you'll catch the mayor wiping his brow. I think that's an illustration of how hard he works."

"By the way, do you carry the towels he uses?" I said.

But for me, the classic Stuttering John interview will always be the one he did with Imelda Marcos. She was totally unflappable and silent as John squeezed out a few quick ones:

Does it bother you when people speak to you on the bowl? Do you think ugly people should be allowed to have children?

Imelda was probably wishing she had one of those millions of shoes right then to hit John over the head with, but she remained calm. Until she got stuck in front of a revolving door and John had her trapped.

"She looked like a cornered chicken. It was just me and her. So I went for it."

Imelda, if you pass gas at home in front of others, do you blame the family dog?

Imelda's face reflected a mosaic of revulsion, fear, anger, betrayal, but mostly nausea. Her eyes pleaded for a way out. After what seemed like years, someone grabbed her arm and ushered her inside. Then all we saw was John's face. A look of unmitigated, unabashed, sheer ecstasy was splashed across his face. He was happy. He was calm. He was
STUTTERING JOHN, HERO OF THE STUPID,
now and forever.

STUTTERING JOHN'S

GREATEST HIT AND WISH LIST

JIM ABBOTT

(one-handed star pitcher. New York

Yankees)

Can you shuffle a deck of cards?

WARREN BEATTY

Did you forget to pull out with Annette

Bening?

TRACY CHAPMAN

Are you still in show business?

CHEVY CHASE

Do you read the scripts of the movies you choose to make, or do you

go. "Eenie mennie minie moe?"

CONNIE CHUNG

Whose fault is it that you can't get pregnant?

DICK CLARK

Did you ever consider making love to the teenage girls on"[American]

Bandstand"?

JIMMY CONNORS

Don't you think Steffi Graf has great legs and a collie's face?

CINDY CRAWFORD

Does your gynecologist send you love letters?

SHARON STONE

Any movies with crotch shots coming up?

GEENA DAVIS

Were you Thelma or Louise?

PHIL DONAHUE

Did you ever use your glasses to burn ants by pointing them at the sun?

RICHARD DREYFUSS

Do you have gray pubic hair?

GRIFFIN DUNNE

Who are you?

BOB DYLAN

How does it feel to be on your own, like complete unknown, like a rolling stone?

FRANK GIFFORD

Does your son ever accidentally call you "grandpa"?

ARSENIO HALL

Are you mad at your dentist?

LEONA HELMSLEY

Where's the craziest place you and your husband have made love?

MICHAEL JACKSON

Did you learn how to walk backwards to avoid

your father's punches?

BILLY JOEL

When you look at your wife, Christie Brinkley, do you thank your mother for making you take piano lessons?

LARRY KING

Isn't it a disgrace how many times Liz Taylor's been married?

RUSH LIMBAUGH

Are you called Rush because you're in a rush to eat?

LIZA MINNELLI

What good is sitting alone in your room?

EDDIE MURPHY

Now that you've conquered comedy, acting, and music, will you become a brain surgeon?

MARTINA NAVRATILOVA

Do you hate bananas?

PAUL NEWMAN

Does driving a car really fast give you an erection?

OLIVER NORTH

Did you ever have a nightmare where your penis got caught in a paper shredder?

SINÉAD O'CONNOR

Will you order Howard Stern's Butt Bongo Fiesta?

LUCIANO PAVAROTTI

Ever fart while belting out a high note?

REGIS PHILBIN

Don't you wish Kathie Lee would sink on one of those Carnival boats?

PAT RILEY

Who is the biggest Knick-genitally?

LIZ TAYLOR

Was selling perfume one of your career goals?

LEONARD NIMOY

Is your penis pointed like your ears?

ROBERT REDFORD

How did you keep a straight face when you were looking at Barbra Streisand's nose?

GERALDO RIVERA

Are you recognized at cockfights?

CHARLIE ROSE

Who's failed more on TV, you or Dick Cavett?

SLY STALLONE

Do you think that headband on your mother's head was placed

there by space aliens?

BARBRA STREISAND

Are people who need people really the luckiest people in the world?

DR.RUTH WESTHEIMER

Is it possible to be in love with a girl and her dog at the same time?

MONTEL WILLIAMS

Didn't you steal my car?

BRUCE WILLIS

What is disappearing quicker, the ozone or your hair?

LIZ SMITH

First off, I would just like to apologize for the fat

remarks I made the last time I interviewed you. I

realize how insensitive I was and how bad I felt when

I saw you embarrassed on national TV. Obesity is not

something to make fun of, and through my recent

spiritual uplifting I am trying to right my wrongs. So tell me... how

many cows did it take to make your leather jacket?

Hate Mail Artwork

Cartoons

Stop Howard Stern Chapter 18

Ten Reasons
Howard Stern
Must Be
Stopped!

These are Ac
tual Quotations from his Radio Show

1
. Commenting on the William Kennedy Smith trial: "any mention of how big Willie's penis is..."

2. Commenting on Magic Johnson: "He can't even bang his wife. How can he bang his wife? Here's a guy that was bangin' every day and now he can't bang anybody"

3. Commenting on radio personality Garrison Keillor: "Hey Garrison Keillor, F**K YOU."

4. "I've seen guys light their penis on fire to get on TV"

5. "Imagine what people are doin' in their cars right now while they're listening...guys masturbating."

6. Speaking to a member of TVs "Knots Landing" cast: "Do you ever bang a guy during love scenes...like does the guy ever get aroused, cause I know there'd be no room on the screen for my boner."

7
. Speaking about his wife: "Sometimes you bitches are so hard to live with."

8. Commenting on President Bush: "Who couldn't kick Iraq's ass. I could kick their ass and I'm a big pussy How about his son Neil Bush and his daughter Fur Bush. To hell with all of you. F"KYOU."

9. Speaking to Geraldo Rivera: "The closest I came to making love to a black woman was I masturbated to a picture of Aunt Jemima on a pancake box."

10. Speaking to a female guest: "You're very lovely I'd love to see you nude."

Hundreds of thousands of children are listening to this filth. Help me force
him off the air.

Send your petition today!

Literature from Americans for Responsible Television

DO NOT DETACH

Membership Reply Form

Dear Terry,

You're right!
I don't want Howard Stern to bring his filth to my community on our public airwaves. I've enclosed my Petition to the F.C.C. And to help end the exploitation, smut and violence on radio and television today, I'm continuing my support of A.R.T. with my maximum contribution of:

[ ] $10.00 [ ] $15.00 [ ] $20.00 [ ] OTHER $_

Please make your
check payable to: A.R.T.
(Americans for Responsible
Television).

Contributions or gifts to Americans for Responsible Television are not tax-deductible. This is because the law does not permit a deduction for contributions to any organization which substantially engages in lobbying activities.

TO:
FROM:

Terry Rakoka, Director

Americans for

Left Page: Why are they raising money to force me off the air? Send the money directly to me, and if it's enough I'll leave
voluntarily.

So, my radio dreams came true. The moron who started out doing X-rated marionette shows is now the number one king of radio in New York, Los Angeles, and Philadelphia, simultaneously -- a feat never before accomplished in the annals of radio history.

Of course, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the jerks at WNBC who fired me. At K-Rock, where I landed, I got my wish to do mornings and to go head to head against Imus. It didn't take long before I destroyed Imus and General Electric was forced to sell off the whole radio station! When I was there the station was valued at fifty million. After I left, they sold it for twenty million. I cost them thirty fucking million dollars! That means I'm worth thirty million dollars! Why can't I get anyone to pay me thirty million dollars? Life is very unfair. No one cares about me.

So here I am at the top of the heap, and some heap it is -- a heap of shit. When you're in an industry with Cousin Brucie, Zookeepers, and Rush Limbaugh, what would you call your heap? I know I'm too talented for radio. God is punishing me. I must have been a serial killer in a previous life.