Prime Time (35 page)

Just because our culture assumes that women want to be sexual only in the context of a monogamous love relationship shouldn’t cause us to ignore the possibility of recreational sex with a partner of any age—or even without a partner.

The most important message in keeping sexually active is keeping sexually active.
Use it or lose it.
A broken arm atrophies. Penises that aren’t being used have more problems with erectile dysfunction. Vaginas that aren’t being used have more problems with elasticity. As a result, if you are experiencing any of these problems and want to prepare yourself for an active sex life, all the experts I have talked to recommend masturbation. This can be with your hand, your partner’s hand, or a vibrator.

Masturbation

A 1995 study by the National Opinion Research Center showed that fewer than half of all women in the United States masturbate; even fewer do so regularly. Dr. Louann Brizendine, a pioneering neuropsychiatrist at the University of California, San Francisco, and the founder of the Women’s and Teen Girls’ Mood and Hormone Clinic, says, “Studies in nursing homes have shown that a quarter of women age seventy to ninety still masturbate.”
¹¹
Dr. Michael Perelman told me, “I think it would shock some of your younger readers the extent to which older individuals will use sex toys and enjoy them. Again, that is another wonderful adjunct and it can be done by people of all ages merely to help create variety, or it can be something that can help as an assistance, much in the same way someone would use a cane. A vibrator provides more stimulation, and especially as people age, the use of these toys could be quite helpful, and I think the next generation is probably more likely to do that than the current generation of very elderly people.”

Obviously, a loving relationship of mutual pleasure-giving is preferable to solo masturbation, but that is not always an option. If we want to stay ready for love, it is good to keep our sensual selves tuned up—you never know what will happen a week, a month, a year or two from now. As I said earlier, I was celibate for seven years after my marriage to Ted Turner and thought that was the end of it. I was wrong!

If you are not used to masturbating and your own hand is not sufficient to excite you, I recommend that you buy a vibrator and some of the newest lubricants, make yourself comfortable, maybe even try reading a book while you masturbate so you are more relaxed and forget about what you’re hoping will happen. This is no time for performance anxieties! Please try to get over any concerns you have about the appropriateness of pleasuring yourself. Think of masturbation as a medical necessity: You may find that it will not only improve the health of your vagina but your general disposition, as well.

There are so many different kinds of vibrators. Almost any good pharmacy sells the long, white, plug-in vibrator called the Magic Wand, made by Hitachi, with two intensities, high and low. It is sold as a body massager. The Eroscillator, which has been highly recommended by Dr. Ruth Westheimer, oscillates rather than vibrates, and does it at thirty-six hundred oscillations a minute. The sensation is gentler, faster, and feels like the wings of a flying hummingbird. It has five interchangeable attachments and comes with a book written by Dr. Ruth that explains how to use the attachments.

Then there is the Rabbit, a vibrator that became famous when it was featured in an episode of
Sex and the City.
It is so named because a little rabbit resides at the end of a rotating and vibrating shaft with about 5 inches of penetration. The ears of the Rabbit vibrate against the clitoris while the shaft is whirling around and stimulating the erogenous places in the vagina.

The most high-end, cutting-edge sex toys I’ve found on the market today are made by two companies, LELO and Jimmyjane. They are apparently made from medical-grade silicone, and must be used with water-based lubricants only. Using silicone lubricant with a silicone-based sex toy will eventually ruin it. If cared for properly, good sex toys can last for many years.

At the end of this chapter are the names of two sources of sex products for women; both companies will send you their catalogs. From either one, you can get two classic books about masturbation,
Sex for One,
by Betty Dodson, and
For Yourself,
by Dr. Lonnie Barbach. These have been in print for thirty-five years, proof that women continue to view masturbation as a loving ritual.

In the old days, K-Y Jelly was all you could get, but today a wide variety of lubricants are available. Some are more viscous than others. Lubricants come in two basic types: silicone-based and water-based. Silicone-based lubricants are known to last longer and provide greater stimulation and, as a result, are used primarily for intercourse. Water-based lubricants come in a variety of flavors and are used more for oral sex and when using sex toys. The lubricants that I have heard recommended most often are Pjur (pronounced
pure
), which is made in Germany, and Sliquid. These apparently do not contain glycerine and sugar, which can encourage yeast infections. Both companies make both silicone- and water-based lubricants. Sliquid comes in a variety of flavors such as green apple tart and blue raspberry.

Try things out until you find what works best for you. With or without a partner, lubricants are the friends of Third Acters, and you should take their use for granted.

During my interview with psychologist Dr. Michael Perelman, he said, “I think one of the tricky things, because of the politics of our time, is to understand how well being selfish in bed can work; that everybody needs to take care of themselves a little bit. You want to be a sensitive lover, but you also want to make sure that you are not worrying so much about pleasing your partner that you fail to please yourself. It is kind of a paradox; the more you can lose yourself in experiencing pleasure with the other person, actually the more pleasure they are going to get from realizing how desirable they are and how sexy they are, because look at how excited you are getting. If you worry too much about just pleasing the other person, and not getting excited yourself, you are actually depriving them of having that same reaction from you.”

Practical Suggestions

Here are some practical suggestions for achieving a more satisfying sex life:

• It’s critical to try to resolve any issues you have with your partner. Anger and resentment are surefire libido killers. Talk things through, or find a good couples counselor or sex therapist and be brave enough to work through it.

• Besides anger, boredom can take a toll on sexuality, so try doing new things with your long-term partner, both in bed and out in the world. In bed, masturbating together can be a delicious new way of revving things up. Explore other parts of your bodies and discover new ways to give each other pleasure, especially a man’s nipples. Many if not most men need this particular stimulation now more than ever.

• Learn about the G-spot. The G-spot, named in honor of Dr. Ernst Gräfenberg, a prominent figure in early- twentieth-century gynecology, is a small region of the female anatomy many regard as an erogenous zone responsible for intense orgasms. The G-spot, which is commonly considered an element of the female prostate, is located on the front vaginal wall, approximately two or three inches inside the vagina. When the area is stimulated, powerful sexual arousal and female ejaculation may occur. There is ongoing controversy over the physiological structure and exact location of the G-spot, but recent research utilizing ultrasound imaging does provide information with regard to the G-spot’s location and how it relates to erogenous stimulation in women who have orgasms during intercourse.

• Try reading sexy books together or watching sexy videos. Whereas the older erotic videos were made primarily to stimulate men, today there are videos made by and targeted for women (though men can enjoy them as well). The
Psychiatric Annals
mentions Candida Royalle (Femme Productions) and Jane Hamilton (also called Veronica Hart) as good examples of producers.
¹²
The couples in this new genre of erotica seem more loving and genuinely turned on, and it is the women who initiate sex. Videos showing tantric sex are more woman-friendly. And a growing number of videos feature older couples being erotic. By the way, if your partner likes to watch erotic pictures or videos during lovemaking, don’t feel it means he finds you unsatisfying. Just keep in mind that men respond more to visual stimulation than women do and that older men in particular need more stimulation. Instead of letting it upset you, think of it as his way to be a better, more aroused lover for you. The very fact that you are the one to bring home a new video and propose watching it changes the dynamic, and puts you in charge, and you may find that you enjoy watching as much as he does. A sex therapy video series, Guides to Sexual Pleasure, was created by three of this country’s top sex therapists: Reverend Dr. Bill Stayton, Dr. Herb Samuels, and Dr. Joy Davidson. The videos are done in segments that show real, loving couples engaging in loving touch, then techniques of foreplay, and, finally, intercourse. I find the videos very exciting, but they are also a therapeutic tool. Each one has a “therapy choice” where suggestions are made about how to view each segment, followed by suggestions on what a couple can do after watching the video. (See the end of this chapter for more information.)

• Learn to stimulate your and your partner’s senses in the bedroom, suggests sex therapist and psychiatrist Dr. Barbara Bartlik. “One common exercise,” she told me in an interview, “is called the Five Senses. I tell my client, ‘Each time you make love, bring into the bedroom something that stimulates one of your senses.’ So that might be that you bring a glass of wine into the bedroom and drink it from each other’s mouths. Or you bring in chocolate sauce and lick it off each other. Drape a red scarf over your bedside lamp to create a dim, sexy aura. Learn to talk dirty to each other, read an erotic story out loud. Try the synthetic body scents or pheromones made by the Athena Institute, which can help with arousal. They mimic the body’s own pheromones, which are secreted by the underarms and genitalia in the highest concentrations. As you get older they get less strong.” You can find out more about pheromones from
AthenaInstitute.com
.

• Try having sex in the morning or afternoon, when you both are less apt to be tired.

• Start an exercise regimen so that you feel better and more confident about yourself. Your body will be more toned and—most important—flexible. Try dancing or yoga, something that involves the whole body.

• Start doing Kegel exercises. Named after Dr. Arnold Kegel, these are exercises to strengthen the pubococcygeus (pew-bo-cok-si-JEE-us) muscle, a hammock-like band of tissue that stretches from the pubic bone, in the front, to the tailbone, in the back, and to tighten the vaginal muscles. They also help prevent urinary incontinence. The PC muscle is sometimes called the “love muscle” because, along with supporting all the pelvic organs, such as the bladder, it helps the vaginal muscles work. Directions for doing Kegels are at the end of this chapter.

• Take an anti-inflammatory such as Aleve twenty minutes before sex so you won’t feel the aches and pains.

• Take a romantic bath or shower together.

• Choose the sexiest turn-on music you can find. In fact, make a point of collecting sexy music you both like. Load the music onto an iPod so you’ll have it all in one easy-to-transport place.

• Take a course in giving a massage or get a good video of erotic massaging and treat each other to one. It has been said that, along with the brain, the skin is the most erotic part of the body. The book
Erotic Massage,
by Charla Hathaway, is a classic about the art of this loving ritual. I can also recommend the DVD
The Joy of Erotic Massage,
produced by the Sinclair Institute and narrated by the notable sexologist Louise-Andree Saulnier. Try using scented massage oils (the Kama Sutra line is very desirable), organic lubricants, or other love oils designed to enhance the sensual experience.