Priestley Plays Four (6 page)

MELICENT: I’m looking for Sam.

DIMMOCK: Oh – the
Damosel Stockings
job. Well, Sam
was
here, then he went off. But I sent Anne Dutton-Swift and Philip Spencer-Smith to bring him back, so he oughtn’t to be long. As soon as he comes, you’d better pose for him again.

MELICENT: I think I love Sam.

DIMMOCK: You’re not the first, so take it easy. What’s your name, dear?

MELICENT: I am Princess Melicent –

DIMMOCK: Doesn’t surprise me. We’d the granddaughter of a Russian Grandduchess working for us, last year.
And
an Italian
contessa
. Make good models too – you aristocratic girls – it’s the training, I suppose.

But the drill starts up for a few moments. She is terrified and puts her hands to her ears
.

DIMMOCK:
(When it stops.)
I ought to have warned you, dear. It’s only that pneumatic drill –

MELICENT:
(Reproachfully.)
Why do you have such terrible things? We don’t have them in real life –

DIMMOCK: In what?

MELICENT: In real life. Have you seen Master Marlagram the enchanter?

DIMMOCK: Never heard of him. Believe it or not, what I
have
seen is a large brown rat that went
he-he-he
or I’m barmy.

MELICENT:
(Relieved.)
That’s Master Marlagram. He said he’d transform himself before he saw you.

DIMMOCK:
(In despair.)
We’re off again. Hold it, dear.
(Into intercom.)
Peggy, I want you in here – sharp.
(To MELICENT.)
When my secretary comes in, just tell her what you’ve just told me. She thinks I ought to go home and lie down.

MELICENT:
(Sympathetically.)
Because you have a sickness, poor man?
(She goes to him, looking at him closely.)
You have a kind face – but it is sad. I think you may have a sickness.

She puts a hand on DIMMOCK’s forehead. He accepts the attention with a kind of fatuous approval. Peggy enters and does not like this business
.

PEGGY:
(Acidly.)
Oh – I’ll come back later. I didn’t know you were busy.

DIMMOCK:
(Bluffly.)
No – no – that’s all right. Peggy – this is – er – Princess Melicent – who’s been sitting for Sam. Now, Princess, you just tell Peggy what you told me – about Master Who’s-it –

MELICENT:
(Staring at Peggy.)
Alison! How did
you
come here?

PEGGY: How did
you
know my other name’s Alison? Oh – you must be the girl my cousin Audrey mentioned to me. But you oughtn’t have come in here. Oh – I suppose you haven’t a compact –

MELICENT:
(Bewildered.)
A compact?

PEGGY:
(Producing one.)
You know. Like this.
(She opens the compact and brings out powder puff and lipstick.)

MELICENT:
(In ecstasy.)
Oh – how wonderful! Better than anything in real life. I must have one of these before Sam gets back –

PEGGY: I’ll show you where we girls go –

Takes her out briskly, leaving DIMMOCK bewildered. He takes a flask out of desk and pours some of the spirit it contains into his glass of milk. He is sipping this when ANNE and PHILIP march in
.

DIMMOCK: Did you get Sam?

PHILIP: No. We went to The Black Horse and found a mad barmaid there –

ANNE:
(Giggling.)
She said Sam had gone through the wall –

PHILIP:
(Laughing.)
To find a princess in a Portuguese lighthouse –

ANNE: It’s true, D.D., we’re not making it up –

DIMMOCK: Well, his model’s here – all dressed up – very good-looking girl too. Says she’s a princess –
(Telephone rings. DIMMOCK answers it.)
Dimmock speaking… Spencer-Smith? Hang on a minute –
(As he holds receiver for PHILIP.)
Television people for you – flapping again –

PHILIP: Spencer-Smith here. Yes?… She’s
what?
…Well, I warned you to have some other girl lined up –

MELICENT enters now. PHILIP sees her
.

I know, I know – but now you’re asking me at the last minute… All right, I’ll bring somebody.

(Puts down receiver, looks at DIMMOCK.)
Look – D.D. – I’m in a jam. Can I take this model of Sam’s?
(He turns to MELICENT.)
Lovely little job on the telly, dear – um?

MELICENT: What are you saying?

PHILIP: No time to stop and explain, dear. Do it on the way.

MELICENT: Will I see Sam?

PHILIP: Don’t think so – but he might see and hear
you
–

He takes her off with him. But MELICENT turns at door to address DIMMOCK
.

MELICENT: If Master Marlagram the enchanter comes back, tell him what has happened to me. And don’t think you can’t talk to him because he looks like a brown rat.
(She goes. Anne is staring at Dimmock.)

ANNE: D.D.?
What
did that girl say?

DIMMOCK:
(In a kind of controlled fury.)
Can’t you understand a perfectly simple request, Anne. She said I must talk to Master Marlagram the enchanter even if he looks like a brown rat.
(Shouting.)
And don’t start arguing about it. Just leave it.

ANNE: All right. But where did that girl come from?

DIMMOCK: Out of the cupboard.
(As Anne is about to say something, he shouts.)
I said ‘Leave it, leave it!’
(He now notices something on his desk. It is a large calendar.)
Now who did that?
(He turns it round and we see it shows, in large clear lettering, JUNE 31
^ST
. Now PEGGY enters.)

PEGGY: Mrs Dimmock’s coming to take you home. And Dr Jarvis is on his way to see you.

DIMMOCK:
(In despair.)
Oh – Christmas crackers!
(The telephone rings. He picks it up.)
Yes, Dimmock here.
Mummy’s Joy Products?
I’m sick of hearing about that muck of yours. Goodbye.
(He slams the receiver.)

ANNE:
(Alarmed.)
D.D. – have a heart – it’s one of our best accounts!

PEGGY: He’s not himself, Miss Dutton-Swift.

DIMMOCK:
(About to explode.)
Oh – Jiminy Jorkins! – there must be some way out of all this.
(He glares round in despair. Telephone rings again.)
You take it, Peggy.

ANNE:
(As PEGGY takes telephone.)
But honestly D.D. – we’ll have to explain to
Mummy’s Joy Products
–

PEGGY:
(Cutting in, primly.)
It’s Master Marlagram, an enchanter – and he says ‘Try the cupboard’.

DIMMOCK:
(Desperately.) All right. I will
.

He dives clean through the cupboard
.

PEGGY:
(Wildly.)
After him – after him! We can’t let him go – like that – come on –

She hurries down and dives through the cupboard. ANNE follows her just as DR JARVIS enters hurriedly
.

DR JARVIS:
(Importantly, as he enters.)
Now – then – Mr Dimmock – what’s this I hear? –

He stares at the vanishing ANNE, hesitates a moment, then goes to cupboard and opens it. It is full of books and files, as before. As he stares at it and bends to listen, the pneumatic drill comes in at full blast
.

Room in the castle, as before. LAMISON is playing his lute – and singing too possibly – and SAM, dressed exactly as before, is listening to him. SAM has a leather tankard in his hand and takes an occasional pull from it. LAMISON concludes his song or piece on the lute, with a little bow
.

SAM: Thanks very much. Let’s have another one, shall we?
(LAMISON smiles and bows.)
Now – wait a minute. I heard a thing the other night on the air – you’ll probably know it. Oh – yes –
The Black Knight Hath My Heart
–

LAMISON:
(Who is angry.)
Bah!

He stalks out angrily. If SAM is to be a pipe-smoker, he should fill and light a pipe here. Otherwise, he should roam around the room. NINETTE enters in a new costume now and looking very fine indeed. SAM, if sitting now, rises and smiles at her, and she smiles winningly at him
.

NINETTE: How doth my fair lord after so much hath befallen him?

SAM:
(Doing his best.)
Fair gentlewoman – er – I am come to no harm but – er – am yet amazed –

NINETTE:
(Smiling.)
Fair sir, sithen ye seek adventure, to win prowess, oft times must ye stand amazed.

SAM:
(Struggling with it.)
Noble damsel – er – ye say sooth. Er – what name – er – ?

NINETTE: Men calleth me Lady Ninette – and among my kindred are many great lords and noble ladies –
(She curtsies, smilingly.)

SAM: Fair Lady Ninette – men call me Sam – and the name of my family is Penty – and my kindred – to speak truth – are no great shakes –

NINETTE: And you are no great shakes at that kind of dialogue, are you, Sam?

SAM:
(Relieved.)
Oh – we needn’t keep it up? Good! By the way, Lady Ninette, as you were kind enough to ask me how I was feeling, I must confess I’m feeling very hungry.

NINETTE:
(Smiling.)
I am sure you would be.
(She goes to door she entered by and opens it. GRUMET and perhaps a page or attendant enter with food and more drink all in the Medieval style. She continues talking as they put it down.)
I am hungry myself, Sam, for I waited for you, knowing you were coming. Wasn’t that nice of me?

SAM: It was, Lady Ninette. I was about to say so.

NINETTE: I’m afraid I hadn’t time to order anything very special.

SAM:
(Regarding the food with satisfaction.)
No, please don’t apologise. This is a splendid lunch –

NINETTE:
(Haughtily to GRUMET and the other.)
We’ll wait upon ourselves. Go!

As they go, NINETTE and SAM settle down to eat and drink. There can be a good deal of little by-play here, which need not be indicated, though it must be remembered there are no forks, no plates only thick slices of bread, just sharp knives to cut with and fingers used. They are eating and drinking throughout dialogue that follows
.

SAM:
(Hesitantly.)
By the way – what – er – age are we in here?

NINETTE:
(Puzzled.)
What age?

SAM: Yes – age. Period. What king is reigning?

NINETTE: Arthur is still High King –

SAM: Oh – Arthurian age. Legendary really. Then I suppose everything is still in full swing – knights, enchanters, dragons, giants –

NINETTE:
(Rather surprised at this.)
Naturally. The usual Arthurian way of life. Who rules your mythical kingdom, Sam?

SAM: Nominally – a queen, Elizabeth the Second. Actually, the executive committees of the Conservative and Labour parties, the Trades Union Congress and the federation of British Industries –

NINETTE interrupts him by laughing heartily
.

NINETTE:
(As she recovers.)
I’m sorry, Sam – but you must admit, now that you’re in real life, it all seems so absurd. Really, people will believe in anything. Now let’s be serious. I’m very anxious to know how Master Malgrim brought you here. I haven’t seen him since he asked me to be ready to receive you, Sam.

SAM: We were through almost in a flash. I felt a bit dizzy of course – private bar of The Black Horse to a castle in Peradore in one move – and then I found that Malgrim had disappeared and with him a rather rum bloke, Captain Plunket, who’d insisted upon coming along. No idea where they are. You’re the first person I’ve had any talk with here, Lady Ninette.

NINETTE:
(Smiling seductively at him.)
But rather a nice person, don’t you think, Sam?

SAM: Delicious!
(He hesitates.)
But – er – something was said about a princess.

NINETTE:
(Disappointed in him.)
Oh!

SAM: Said the wrong thing, have I?

NINETTE:
(Reproachfully.)
You’re not a snob, are you, Sam?

SAM:
(Apologetically.)
Not in the least. But I understand from Malgrim that the girl I painted was a Princess Melicent, and – well, you know how it is, Lady Ninette – that’s the one I’m looking for.

NINETTE:
(Looking very grand.)
Is she fairer in your sight than I am?

SAM:
(Hastily.)
No, not at all. As a matter of fact I’ve never seen her as clearly as I’m seeing you – and you’re certainly a devastatingly seductive piece – I beg your pardon –

NINETTE: Not at all. I like it. More wine, Sam.
(She fills his tankard.)

SAM:
(Who is drinking incautiously.)
Thank you, Ninette. You’re both adorable girls, I see that – different types, that’s all – but it’s Princess Melicent I’m trying to find.

NINETTE: She’s a ninny.

SAM: Perhaps I need a ninny.
(He drinks heartily, then grins at her.)

NINETTE: Now I’m intelligent and rather wicked.
(Pauses, perhaps drinks.)
Do you know the Macbeths?

SAM: I know
of
them of course.

NINETTE: I’ve a cousin in Scotland who knows them very well. A few years ago, the Macbeths were nothing – just Army people. Look at them now, ruling Scotland. All
her
doing –
she
has the brains – the determination –

SAM:
(Grimly.)
You wait!

NINETTE: Well of course you couldn’t
give
me Scotland. But here too it’s the clever and rather wicked women who have all the fun. Look at Morgan le fay, Guenevere, Nimue, Etarre, the Queen of Orkney. It’s only clever women and enchanters who can
plot
.

SAM: In our world we don’t need wicked plots any more – we can do ourselves in with Science and Progress. But tell me about the enchanter situation here – I’m not very clear about it –

NINETTE: Oh – it’s rather fascinating really. There are two enchanters – Malgrim, the one I’m working with – and his old uncle, Marlagram. Now Marlagram outwitted Malgrim, and took Melicent to find you.

SAM: Oh – I say!