Priestley Plays Four (10 page)

MELICENT: So you can have a good night’s sleep, darling.

SAM:
(Ready to move.)
I’d have a better one if I also thought I was a mace. What time’s the tournament in the morning?

MELICENT:
(Calling back as she goes.)
Seven o’clock.

SAM:
(Moving, horrified.)
A Red Knight at seven o’clock! I can’t face even a fried egg at seven o’clock.

As soon as scene fades, we hear sound of trumpets. At other side of stage, HERALD appears, in a light that suggests clear early morning sunlight. Before he speaks there is another fanfare
.

HERALD:
(With great pomp.)
Hear ye – hear ye – hear ye! His Royal Majesty, King Meliot of Peradore, High Lord of Bergamore, Marralore and Parlot – Overlord of Lancington, Low Moss and Three Bridges – doth pledge his solemn word that he who overcomes the Red Knight shall be first to try an honourable venture with the fiery dragon now below in the wood – which if he should also overcome he shall be given the hand of Princess Melicent in marriage. Refreshment may be obtained in the buffet behind the main stand. Spectators in the gallery are requested not to throw the peel of oranges.

Another fanfare. We now hear a tremendous din – the shouts of the crowd, the clash of weapons, the thud of horses’ hoofs, drums and trumpets. This continues off when next scene opens
.

The interior of a large medieval tent-pavilion gay with heraldic devices etc, richly decorated. Noises, coming off L., must be heard between dialogues. Several small covered stools. The pavilion is well-lit but we should feel that outside entrance L. is a blaze of sunlight. SAM is discovered, sitting half-dressed with a few pieces of armour already on, looking gloomy. His shield, helmet and weapons are bundled together, near him, on the floor. He listens to the noise outside. Now we hear an umpire’s voice off L. exactly like Wimbledon
.

UMPIRE:
(Off L..)
Deuce!
(More noise.)
Vantage to striker!
(More noise.)
Game! Game – Set – and Match to the Red Knight.

A large unconscious and much battered knight is carried through the pavilion by attendants from L. to R. watched by SAM with shuddering interest. As soon as they have gone, LAMISON appears R.
.

LAMISON:
(Staying near entrance.)
Her Highness Princess Melicent would fain have a word with thee.

SAM:
(Rising and going, gloomily.)
I would fain have a word with her too – it might be the last.

LAMISON holds flap open for him but stays when SAM goes
.

LAMISON:
(Sneering.)
Go, fool!
The Black Knight Hath My Heart
– quotha! The Red Knight hath thy liver.

Enter MALGRIM and NINETTE carrying similar bundle of weapons etc we have seen on floor
.

NINETTE: Thank you so much, Lamison. Just what we needed.

LAMISON goes and they come in
.

MALGRIM:
(Pleased with himself.)
Now you see, my dear Ninette, we exchange good weapons, shield and helmet the Princess provided for him –
(Kicks bundle on floor.)
giving him this utility trash once authorised by the Camelot Armour and Weapons Board. Ha-ha-ha!
(As they exchange the bundles.)

NINETTE: Marvellous, darling!

MALGRIM:
(With mock modesty.)
Oh – just one of a few amusing ideas I’ve had, my dear Ninette.

NINETTE:
(With enthusiasm.)
What I adore about helping you, darling, is that you never stop having these brilliant original ideas – really lovely wicked plotting all the time. Anything else?

MALGRIM: Yes. Stay behind and persuade him he needs a tankard of ale to give him courage –
(He is moving to entrance R. carrying bundle from floor.)

NINETTE:
(Delighted.)
And then you’ll send him some abominable potion –

MALGRIM:
(As he goes.)
That’ll render him faint and dizzy – ha-ha-ha!

Goes. More noises off. SAM returns, looking gloomier than ever
.

NINETTE: Sam – why so downcast?

SAM: Lamison said the Princess wanted to speak to me – and I couldn’t even get into the Royal Box – not properly dressed.

NINETTE: Wouldn’t you like me to buckle your armour for you, Sam dear?

SAM: I’d like somebody to give me a hand but not you, Ninette dear.

NINETTE:
(All innocence.)
You don’t trust me?

SAM:
(Gloomily.)
I’m a chump but not that much of a chump.

NINETTE: Oh – you
are
unfair. I’ve a good mind not to tell you about the special Tournament ale –

SAM:
(Hopefully.)
Tournament ale?

NINETTE: Brewed specially for competitors in tournaments. But of course it’s no use my offering to bring you some.

SAM: Quite right.

NINETTE: But perhaps if I ask the barmaid to bring you some –

SAM: Barmaid? There isn’t a barmaid here –

NINETTE:
(As she goes.)
Of course there is.

She goes. Noise off again. This time we hear what seems to be a boxing referee – slowly ‘Six……Seven……Eight……Nine……Ten’ and the sound of a boxing bell. Again, a bleeding unconscious knight is carried through from L. to R.
.

SAM has now opened the bundle of weapons etc. He gives the helmet a kick and dents it, to his astonishment and disgust. He tries the sword and at once bends it. In despair he leans on the spear and it begins to crack. All this amounts to a comic routine, needing careful timing and rehearsal. There should still be noises off. As he sits down in despair, the BARMAID from The Black Horse, exactly as we saw her before, enters carrying a pewter tankard
.

BARMAID:
(In her usual toneless style.)
One tournament ale.

SAM:
(Taking it.)
Thanks.
(Recognising her.)
Oh – it’s you.

BARMAID: That’s ri’. Turned out nice again.

SAM: I wish it hadn’t. Well, I need this.
(He empties the tankard in one long go.)
Strong stuff. Bottle or barrel?

BARMAID: Don’t ask me. That chap with a beard give it me for you – tricky bloke, I’d say –

SAM:
(Aghast.)
Malgrim?

BARMAID: That’s him. What’s up? All right, isn’t it?

SAM:
(Uneasily.)
I don’t know yet. By the way, you haven’t seen Captain Plunket – y’know, the chap who ordered all the double Scotches –

BARMAID: No. Is
he
here?

SAM: He
was
.

BARMAID: I saw Mr Sanderson. He’s offerin’ ten to one on the Red Knight. They say he’s bloody murder, that Red Knight.

FIRST SOLDIER looks through flap at L.
.

FIRST SOLDIER: You’re on next, chum. Ha-ha!
(Withdraws.)

SAM:
(Groaning.)
Help me on with this armour, will you?

BARMAID: You’re not going out there, are you?

SAM:
(Groaning.)
I have to.

BARMAID: My gawd! Well, I don’t know which goes where – but I’ll do my best – you’ll need all this an’ more.

Through this dialogue BARMAID, with some false starts, helps SAM to put on his armour
.

Not very thick an’ ’eavy, is it? They ought to do better for you than this, if you ask me. Proper tinny stuff, in’t it? I thought it’ud weigh tons.

SAM: It did when I first brought it here.

BARMAID: Perhaps somebody’s changed it. ’Ow yer feeling?

SAM: Terrible.

BARMAID: You don’t look a good colour. I wouldn’t stay out long if I was you –

SAM: I don’t expect to. Haven’t got a couple of aspirins, have you?

BARMAID: Sorry, I’m right out of ’em. Why don’t you have a nice lie down instead?

SAM: I probably will.

FIRST SOLDIER looks through flap again
.

FIRST SOLDIER: Which do you fancy – mounted or on foot, chum?

SAM:
(Gloomily.)
On foot.

FIRST SOLDIER: Quite right. ’Aven’t so far to fall. A minute to go, chum, then you’re on. And what a hope you’ve got!

Withdraws. SAM now takes up his weapons and moves about a bit
.

BARMAID: I’ve seen all this on the pickshers – but I don’t fancy it somehow. Rather ’ave cowboys an’ Indians. Or them gangsters in night clubs. Of course this is more
spectacular
– if that’s what you fancy.

SAM:
(Who is probably trying to straighten sword.)
It’s not what
I
fancy –

A LOUD VOICE:
(Off, L..) SIR SAM!

SAM:
(Miserably calling.)
Coming.

BARMAID: Well, you’ve got a knight’ood out of it, ’aven’t you? Best of luck, dearie, an’ just remember – there’ll always be an England.

SAM:
(Gloomily.)
Thanks very much.

He braces himself and strides out L.. Immediately there is a mixed outburst of cheering, booing, laughter etc. BARMAID peeps out through flap L.. MELICENT comes hurrying in R.. She is extremely agitated
.

MELICENT: Tell me, have they begun? I thought I wouldn’t mind – but now I daren’t look. You’ll have to tell me. What’s happening?

BARMAID: They’re sort of walkin’ round each other, dear. Ooo – that Red Knight’s a hell of a size, isn’t he? Make two of poor Sir Sam. One-sided, I call it. Oo – now they’ve started.

Sound from L. of weapons clashing on armour etc
.

MELICENT: Master Marlagram promised me it wouldn’t be a real mortal combat – that he’d work an enchantment somehow –

BARMAID: ’E’ll ’ave to ’urry up, then.

MELICENT: Who’s winning?

BARMAID: ’Oo d’yer think? Our chap ’asn’t an earthly. Ref ought to stop it. Red Knight’s beatin’ ’im back – beatin’ im back – oo – what a slasher!

MELICENT: Oh – horrible – horrible! I ought to find Marlagram –

BARMAID:
(Excited herself now.)
They’re coming this way – they’re coming this way – Sam’s slipped – No – he’s up again – Red Knight’s at ’im again –
(Sound of clashing nearer. The women shout above it.)
they’re comin’ nearer an’ nearer –

MELICENT: Oh – I can’t bear it – I can’t bear it –
(Shouting urgently as she runs out R..)
Master Marlagram – where are you? Master Marlagram!

As she runs out, BARMAID backs from entrance L.. Clashing comes nearer. SAM now comes backing in, desperately warding off enormous blows from the Red Knight, a gigantic ferocious figure in red armour, with a huge (false) helmeted head with red hair, moustache and beard Once they are well in, Capt. Plunket, for it is he, sees the BARMAID
.

CAPT. P.:
(To BARMAID.)
Two tournament ales.

BARMAID:
(Without surprise.)
Two tournament ales – yes, sir.

Goes out R.. Flap at L. is being opened by FIRST and SECOND SOLDIERS but by the time they look in, CAPT P. jumps towards them, waving his sword
.

CAPT. P.:
(Roaring.)
Keep out – ye mis-begotten, whoreson knaves – or I’ll make sausages of your lights and livers –

He fastens the flap, then turns towards SAM and takes off the false head. He is hot and breathless
.

CAPT. P.: Let’s sit down, old boy. But we’ll have to keep on making a clatter – or they’ll wonder what’s happening.

They sit down on stools so placed that they can easily hit each other’s armour, which they do throughout dialogue
.

SAM:
(Still dazed by the surprise.)
But – Skipper – how do
you
come to be the Red Knight?

CAPT. P.:
(Coolly.)
Enchantment, old boy. That fella Malgrim did it, last night. Very thorough job too. I really felt I
was
the Red Knight – ready to knock hell out of everybody – until a few minutes ago. Then something happened – either more enchantment – or less. Back to the Old Skipper again.

SAM: But how am I going to kill you?

CAPT. P.: Oh – we can work it out – with that head and the armour. Leave it to me, old boy. But keep some clatter going. Hit yourself for a change. Like this.
(Idly bangs himself with sword.)

SAM: Trouble is – I must have been doped or something – I feel dizzy –

CAPT. P.: Thought you weren’t looking too good, old boy. Ever been doped on the Gold Coast? I was, one time. Didn’t come out of it for three weeks – and for two of ’em I thought a dam’ great spider was biting my toes. Witchdoctor stuff, or course. Just as good as these fellas.

BARMAID comes in R. with two tankards
.

BARMAID: Turned out nice again.

CAPT. P.: Thank you, dear.

SAM: None for me.

CAPT. P.:
(Taking a tankard.)
Put the other down there, then, dear. Unless you’d like it.

BARMAID:
(Primly.)
No, ta. Never touch a drop except for a port an’ lemon now an’ then – or a gin an’ pep if me tummy’s a bit off.

CAPT. P.: Best thing for that is a
Valparaiso Manana
. Three of them and you could eat a horse. And ten to one it’s what you get too. Well – down the hatch!

BARMAID:
(As Capt. P drinks.)
’Appy days!

CAPT. P.: Now dear, you’ll have to give us a hand. Sam’s groggy. Try and keep going a minute or two, Sam old boy. You help me with this damned armour, that’s a good girl.
(As she helps him take it off.)
Have to keep going somehow. Steady for some Red Knight stuff –
(In huge Red Knight voice.)
Surrender – you knock-kneed manikin! Surrender!

SAM:
(Doing his best.)
Never.

CAPT. P.:
(In his ordinary voice
.) Louder. They’ll never hear you old boy.
(In his Red Knight voice.)
Surrender, I say!

SAM:
(Producing a shout.)
Never!
(Groaning.)
Crikey! That’s given me a headache.

CAPT. P.:
(Red Knight voice.)
Nobody’ll come in here – or I’ll slice his nose off –
(In his ordinary voice, to BARMAID.)
Now look, dear – just keep clattering away with this sword while I take a breather and work something out –