Praying for Grace (19 page)

I watched Abbey feed off of Danny, unable to look away. I breathed in and I breathed out. No one was coming to help me. I could hear the men in the other room as they struggled to move Alice’s limp body from the bedroom into the narrow hallway. Abbey heard it too, and whipped her head around. She was no longer the teenager whom I had grown to love as a little sister. Her eyes were not yet clouded in death, but her skin was sickly pale and her mouth and chin covered in blood. She wore a cream colored nightgown that Laura had provided, which was also covered in crimson and chunks of flesh. A wave of nausea hit me and I winced, doubling over in pain.

“Zoe?” called Gus as Abbey began awkwardly walking toward me.

“Gus…” I moaned, unable to say anything else. I felt a gush of warm flow down my legs. “No, no, no, no, no,” I groaned.

My only saving grace was that the creature coming at me was slow.

“Fuck!” yelled Gus.

I lowered myself onto the hard ground, unable to stay upright from the pain that ripped through my body.

“Hoot, Clark, I fucking need you
now
!” screamed Gus.

I was sure I heard Laura’s voice mixed in with those of the men.

My companions rushed past me. I kept my eyes closed and listened, without choice, to the sounds of struggling between the living and the dead.

“Can you get up?” asked Gus. I hadn’t realized that he was kneeling beside me.

Another pain took over my core and I shook my head side-to-side. It was hard to take a breath, let alone speak.

“Bring her into the family room,” urged Laura.

“Fuck, watch out Clark!” yelled Hoot.

A deep snarl echoed through the house. I knew it was Danny. A deafening gunshot rang out without warning. I still felt overheated, but my baby began to calm. My ears were ringing from the gun firing, but I could make out muffled voices.

“Is she hurt?” and “Did she come into contact with them?”

Eventually the pain eased and I opened my eyes. Gus was right in front of me, and I focused on his face.

“Talk to me, Zoe. Where’s it hurting?”

“Everywhere,” I panted.

“Did she hurt you?”

“Abbey?” I winced. “No.”

“Let’s get you to the family room,” he said softly. “Can you stand?”

“I’ll try.”

I was exhausted, and still aching, but I took Gus’ hand and tried to pull myself up. Before getting all the way off the ground, another pain hit me.

“Son of a bitch!” I cried out.  “Son of a fucking asshole bitch!”

I doubled over again and bit my lip. The taste of blood filled my mouth. There wasn’t a single part of me that didn’t feel pain at that moment.

“Need a hand?” It was Hoot’s voice.

“Just get the fold out bed ready? I’ll carry her in,” said Gus. His voice wasn’t as calm as usual.

“What’s wrong with her?” asked Clark.

“Sounds like labor,” said Laura.

I wanted everyone but Gus to go away. I must have said the words aloud, because everyone quieted.

“It’s too soon,” I said through gritted teeth. “Gus, don’t let this happen again,” I begged.

“It’s ok, darlin’. I’ll get you into bed and check you over.”

He lifted me in his arms and cradled me close.

Laying on the hide-a-bed was torture. No matter how I positioned myself, it hurt. Laura and Hoot had drawn the covers back before Gus carried me in. She thoughtfully asked Hoot and Clark to wait in the other room to afford me some privacy. I was too miserable to really care who saw me. Eventually I situated myself on my left side, which hurt almost as much as any other position I tried.

“Darlin’, I need you on your back,” said Gus.

“I can’t,” I cried. “Make it stop,” I moaned as I turned my face into the pillow under my head.

“Zoe, stop. You have to listen to me, babe,” said Gus firmly.

I looked at his face and tried to focus on his voice.

“It hurts so bad, Gus.”

“I know honey, but you have to let me take a look. Can you do that?”

I started to shake my head side to side, and he placed his palms on either side of my face.

“I bet Laura will hold your hand real tight, would that help?”

I looked over, having forgotten for a moment that the older woman was beside me. She looked very worried.

“Ok,” I managed to stammer out.

She did as Gus suggested and held onto my hand firmly. Her skin was softer than it appeared, but her hand felt bony. Gus placed his hands on my belly, which oddly eased the pain. I took a deep breath, taking advantage of the brief reprieve. 

“Baby’s moving,” whispered Gus. “That’s a good sign.”

“It feels better when you’re touching me,” I said so quietly that I wasn’t sure I had actually spoken.

“Let’s turn you onto your back. Just for a minute, ok?”

I nodded. “Just for a minute.”

I needed to sleep. Gus took his hands from my belly and the pain began to rise inside of me.

“Don’t let go,” I whispered.

Laura and Gus both helped me roll off of my side and onto my back.

“Babe, do they feel like contractions?” he asked me.

“No,” I huffed. “It feels like someone’s ripping my ribs apart.”

“Laura, do you have any pain medication here?”

“Just Tylenol. Nothing stronger.”

“Do you mind getting a couple?”

“Sure. Anything you need.”

She stood and left the two of us alone in the room.

“I think I’m dying,” I groaned.

“Zoe, I need to check your cervix.”

“It hurts too much.”

“I’ll be quick, I promise.”

He slid my pants down my legs and slipped his fingers inside of me. I held my breath while he did his exam, trying my hardest to not yell from the pain.

“I need to get back onto my side,” I cried out.

“Ok baby, go ahead.”

I rolled over and gripped my pillow hard as another wave of pain hit me.

“You’re dilated, hun. Maybe half way.”

“You have to stop it. Please? Stop it…” I begged him. “Pease just make it stop. She can’t come yet.”

“Zoe, open your eyes and look at me.”

I forced my eyes open and looked into his eyes.

“There’s nothing I can do, Angel. The baby’s coming.”

“No,” I cried.

He wiped a tear away from my cheek.

“We don’t know what to expect. She could be perfectly fine,” he tried to soothe my fears.

“Nothing in this world is ‘perfectly fine’,” I answered.

“How’s she doing?” asked Laura, who returned with Tylenol.

“Not too great,” he answered truthfully.

“I brought some Tylenol and a cool cloth,” said the woman.

“Thank you,” said Gus.

“Is there anything else I can do?”

“We could use some towels.”

“I’ll be right back with some.”

“Also a pair of scissors and something clean to tie the cord.”

“I have some kitchen twine. Will that be ok?”

“Should be,” he answered. “Once she’s closer we’ll need some warm water.”

“I’ll gather things up and set them on the end table. Hoot and Clark are busy in the back of the house. Do you want me to stay in here for a bit?”

Gus cleared his throat. “Maybe just stay within ear shot?”

“You got it,” said Laura.

***

Time seemed to pass excessively slowly. Gus stayed by my side, which eased the pain. It was as if the baby inside of me knew that her father was near. I slept for brief periods when the pain eased. Gus kept the cold washcloth refreshed and on my forehead. I knew that the bodies of Alice, Danny, and Abbey were being taken care of when Clark came into the room and quietly asked if he could borrow Laura to keep watch while they dug graves. After a brief conversation, Laura agreed to let the men burn all three bodies. Their ashes would be mixed and spread in the hills that Alice had loved to look at. I only knew that it was dusk when Clark announced they were ready to start the fire. Hoot, Clark, and Laura went outside to say good-bye to our friends, leaving me and Gus alone.

“When someone beloved dies, so too is someone beloved born,” I mumbled as another wave of pain claimed my body.

“What, darlin’?” asked Gus as he tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

“Something my father used to say. When someone beloved dies and leaves us, so too is someone beloved born.”

“That’s beautiful. Tell me about your father.”

“His name was Frank. He was from the Tulalip Tribe. He loved his people and he loved life. I have his brown eyes.” I had to stop to breathe through a contraction.

“I’m gonna check you again, baby,” whispered Gus.

“I think it’s almost time,” I said as I caught my breath.

As he examined me, my thoughts drifted to our old friend Louisa. Memories of her delivery of baby Julio were still too fresh in my mind. He had been born far too early. They had both lived for only minutes after he was born, but the love between them was incredible.

“Looks like you’re right. Her head’s right there.”

“I’m scared,” I whispered.

The room had grown dark. The only significant light now came from candles that burned nearby, as well as the circular fireplace in the center of the room.

“I know,” said Gus. “But you’re strong, Zoe. So very strong. No matter what happens, I’m here for you.”

“Can Laura come back in?” I asked.

“If you want, sure.”

He called out gently for the older woman. I heard her rise from a seat elsewhere in the room. I hadn’t realized she was so near.

“I’m here,” she whispered as she sat on the bed beside me.

“Will you stay?” I asked weakly.

I felt so tired, and needed another woman there, if only just to hold my hand.

“I need to sit up,” I said as a sudden urge hit me. My hips felt like they were being ripped apart.

Gus wrapped his strong arms behind my back and helped lift me to a semi-sitting position.

“Here,” said Laura. “You can lean on me.”

She got up and wedged herself behind me. “When I had my baby, my own mother did this for me. It helped so much.”

I leaned against the woman and adjusted my bottom and legs until it relieved some of the pain and pressure.

“That’s right,” she soothed as she stroked my hair back from my face. “Let your body tell you what to do.”

I let my legs fall open and took a couple of deep, cleansing breaths.

“Gus, if she lives I want to name her Hope,” I said quietly.

“Hope sounds perfect,” said Gus.

“It’s a beautiful name,” said Laura.

“I need to push.”

“Wait for a contraction,” said Gus. “Her head’s right there, baby.”

“It burns,” I cried out.

“That’s the ring of fire,” said Laura. “It’ll be gone soon enough.”

My belly began to tighten painfully. I reached out and found one of Laura’s hands, which I gripped tightly. I bore down, trying to push baby Hope from my body. Without meaning to, I began to bring my legs together.

“Let your legs fall open, babe,” whispered Gus.

I did as instructed and took another deep breath before pushing again. I could feel my whole body trembling.

“Her head’s out, darlin’. One more push and she’ll be here.”

Exhausted, I leaned back against Laura as the contraction ended. “Is she alive?” I asked as I closed my eyes. No one answered.

Another contraction began and I forced myself up onto my elbows.

“Give me another big push, Zoe,” said Gus.

I took a deep breath and held it while I used all of my remaining strength to push the baby from my body. As she slid from me, I cried out in pain as I felt myself tear.

I opened my eyes and watched as Gus held her slippery body with a bath towel. He was busy drying her off and I couldn’t see much. I didn’t hear her crying.

“Is she ok?” I asked in a panic. “She’s not crying. Why isn’t she crying?” I asked quickly as my eyes began to fill with tears, fearing the worst.

“It’s ok. She’s breathing,” said Gus as he smiled down at the infant in his arms.

He wrapped our baby in the towel and set her on my belly. I looked at her, still waiting for her to cry.”

“Why isn’t she crying?” I asked again.

“I’m not sure, but she’s breathing.”

Gus was busy tying off her umbilical cord. I suddenly felt something else leave my body.

“It’s just the placenta,” Gus explained.

I looked at him in amazement. I could
feel
him again.

Gus, I feel you.

He smiled softly at me as he cleaned me up down below.

Laura leaned down from behind me and kissed me on the cheek.

“You three need some time alone.” She slipped out from behind me and placed a couple of pillows in her place. I could tell that she was crying.

I kept my eyes on the tiny baby that was lying on me. I was afraid to peel back the towel to look at her. I kept a hand on her to feel her breathe.

“Hold her close to keep her warm,” said Gus.

“She’s so small,” I whispered.

Finally, I pulled back the corner of the light blue terry cloth towel that Gus had wrapped her in.

“She’s so pink,” I said as I touched her cheek with the tip of my index finger.

“That’s good,” said Gus. “Pink is good.”

“Hi, Hope,” I whispered.

She blinked her eyes a couple of times and looked up at my face. Her eyes were pale blue and their depths looked like they might hold all the secrets of the universe. Her hair was fair and matted to her head by amniotic fluid and a trace of blood. She sneezed, which made me smile. It was the first sound she’d made.

“Lift your butt and I’ll get this mess out from underneath you,” said Gus.

I did as instructed and felt great relief when the wet mess was gone.

“One more time for a clean towel,” he said.

I traced her forehead with the pad of my thumb and covered her back up. I didn’t want her to get cold. I hadn’t meant to fall in love with her, but in those first few moments of her life I had been given no choice. Gus left me alone with her just long enough to get rid of the dirty towels. Once he returned, he sat beside us on the bed.

“I need to look her over and wrap her in a dry towel,” he said tiredly.

I didn’t want to let her go, but knew it was best. I allowed him to pick her up, and as soon as she was no longer touching me she finally emitted her first real cry. The sound made me smile wider. Gus held her up in front of him and smiled down at her.

“Ah, Zoe, she’s gorgeous. She looks so much like my daughter Annabelle.”

“Does she look ok?”

“So far so good. She’s earlier than Molly was, but looks full term. You did real good, Mama,” he said softly as he wrapped her in a dry towel.

“Her eyes are so light,” I said.

“Ayup. Bright and beautiful. You should sleep,” he said.

“Not yet.”

He nestled Hope back in my arms and I just stared at her. It was almost impossible to look away. I could sense Gus’ joy and I could sense a feeling of peace from our little girl.

“Do you want to pick a middle name?” he asked me.

“No middle name. ‘Hope’ is just right.”

“What about a last name?”

“Does she need one?”

He chuckled. “I’d kind-of like her to have mine. But I want her to have the same one as you. Marry me, Zoe.”

I looked up and smiled. “There’s no laws left, Gus. No preachers. No licenses. How would we get married?”

“We just do. We vow to love each other, and Hope, as long as we live. It can just be the three of us, or we can have Hoot, Clark, and Laura with to witness.”

“That’d be nice. But are you sure you want to?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything.”