Praying for Grace (14 page)

“Mommy’s gonna make it better. I promise.”

I leaned forward and kissed his cold forehead before lying him back on the couch. I used the least stained blanket to swaddle him tightly, leaving only his head free.

“Don’t be afraid, baby,” I said quietly as I picked him back up, resting him over my shoulder. I could feel his tiny face searching for the flesh of my shoulder, but I knew his toothless mouth could do no harm. I sang ‘hush little baby’ as I plunged Danny’s knife up through the base of his still-soft skull. When his body fell limp, I pulled the knife from his head and let it fall to the floor. I kissed his temple and breathed in his scent one last time.

We burned the bodies of Gretchen and Emmett alongside the highway, paying no mind to the possibility of smoke attracting unwanted attention. I stayed inside the RV, not having the energy to say goodbye. I never did shed tears. I knew I would miss watching Emmett grow. I knew that Gus had loved Gretchen in his own way, and I had come to accept that I would never be privy to the exact nature of that love. He mourned for her and I was unable to ease his pain. Things were as they were and there was no controlling any of it. Miles would pass without seeing the dead, but we all knew they were out there. We continued to travel in the RV for days. Eventually the damned thing broke down, stranding us in the Cascades with Mount Rainier looming in the distance, taunting us. Clark spent his days talking about his life with his wife Laura. At times I wished I contained as much enthusiasm as he displayed, but it was too hard to find any sort of excitement when death loomed around every corner. As with Molly, my belly grew large in a very short amount of time. I refused to talk about this baby, and did my best to not think about it. I had already lost so much and refused to become attached to yet another human who would break my heart when they were taken from me.

Summer had arrived in full force. Nights in the mountains were cool, offering relief from the relentless heat of daytime. We had lived out of the shell of the RV for nearly a week before deciding to finish our trek on foot. Our canned food was nearly gone, as was our water supply. We packed up what we had left, fashioning bed sheets into knapsacks. I should have been carrying baby Emmett, not a bundle of bottled water and canned carrots in his place. I stepped out of the motorhome and looked south toward the peak of Rainier. It wore a crown of ominous cloud cover, looming over us mockingly.

“C’mon, Zoe,” said Gus gloomily. I hadn’t seen him this tired and out of sorts since he had been stabbed on the boat months before.

The others were all several yards ahead of us. I didn’t respond to him, aside from forcing one foot in front of the other, simply following the rest of our meager group. Part of me wanted to fall behind and disappear, be it at the mercy of nature or at the hands of the dead. Instead, I continued on due to an innate desire to live.

***

The old forest service road on which we traveled was badly overgrown due to years of disuse, leaving us with a treacherous path. My ankles were swollen from being vertical and pregnant, and my shins and calves were scratched from underbrush. 

“What’s that?” asked Katie, out of breath from climbing in elevation.

I followed her gaze to an old wooden structure that looked like a short building of some sort.

“That’s an old mining shack, Sugar” said Clark. “My brothers and I used to mess around in it when we were Scouts. Not the safest as far as shelters go, but it’ll do for tonight.”

“It looks so far away,” whined Abbey. I didn’t blame her. I was tired of walking too.

“Then let’s get going,” said Gus.

“I’m hungry,” said Abbey.

“We’ll eat once we get there. See the clouds heading in from the east?” asked Clark.

“Yeah,” answered the girl.

“Sure sign of rain,” continued Clark. “We don’t need to be out in the open during a downpour.”

To my surprise, Gus took hold of my hand. He hadn’t touched me since we had left the confines of the motorhome. I hadn’t taken it personally. He knew I was miserable, and I knew he was heartbroken at the loss of Gretchen. I looked at him briefly as we walked toward the wooden structure, surprised when he smiled weakly at me.

It took us until near dusk to reach the structure, which was larger than it had appeared from a distance.  Most of the trek was downhill into a valley, but treacherous. I kept hold of Gus’ hand most of the way just to keep from spraining an ankle or falling. His touch held a tingle that I had once known, but on a much smaller scale. Startled, I glanced at him.

“I feel it too,” he said softly.

I stopped walking and looked up at him.

“It feels good,” he continued. “I’ve missed you, Zoe.” He gave my hand a squeeze and we continued on without saying more.

The shack was in rough shape and missing a door. It was constructed of wide boards with several separations in the seams. The roof was metal and rusted through in areas. It held no promise of keeping us dry or protecting us from living dead who might wander through. It smelled dank and of rotting earth.

“I hate to suggest it, but we might be better off right inside the mine,” said Clark.

“Is it nearby?” I asked.

“Yeah. About a quarter mile north of here. We’ll stay there tonight and then head toward my house once the weather cooperates. It’s only about a day’s walk from here.”

Abbey groused and Danny grumbled for her to knock it off. We were all tired and ready for a break of some sort.

“I’d say let’s take five but we need to hit the mine opening before dark,” said Gus. “Abs, not much farther, ok?”

She nodded, but looked disappointed. Abbey had matured so much since we met that sometimes I had to remind myself that she was still young, barely into her teens now.

“Maybe a couple of us should scout ahead, see exactly how far it is,” Katie suggested.

“Too risky considering the weather,” said Hoot.

As if on cue, thunder rolled in the distance. I hadn’t noticed that clouds were gathering directly above.

“Let’s go,” I muttered.

We left the crumbling shack behind and began an uphill climb to where Clark insisted we’d find the entrance to an old hard rock mine. The quarter-mile trek ended up taking almost an hour due to the steepness of the path. By the time we stopped, my ankles had swollen dramatically and my back ached horribly.

“This is it?” panted Abbey as she struggled to catch her breath.

“It is. We’ll need to uncover the entry,” answered Clark.

The sky flashed yellow-orange, just like it had the day we had landed on Tatoosh Island. Thunder followed and rain began to fall in large drops. I looked toward the sky, cursing inwardly. The temperature had dropped in a matter of minutes and I was beginning to shiver. Katie and Danny were helping pull shrubbery back from the wooden frame that had been skillfully placed to keep people out of the mine. It was weathered just as the shack had been. Abbey stood close to me and I wrapped an arm around her protectively. She had developed a bit of a cough and seemed unusually tired. I felt vulnerable here, especially with daylight fading. The storm grew fierce and wind howled in the valley below.  The cloud cover was too thick to see the peak of the mountain that I knew was so close by. The chill of nearby glaciers blew with the wind, stinging our faces. Gus and Clark entered the shaft first. I was hesitant to enter due to the promise of darkness and the unknown.

“C’mon, let’s get out of this rain!” yelled Gus, struggling to be heard above the wind.

“Zoe, I don’t want to go in there,” whispered Abbey. I could barely hear her.

I reached down and found her hand. Without answering her, I pulled her forward toward the tunnel. I knew how she felt, but like me she also knew we had no choice. Thunder continued all around us as we one-by-one ducked under a large wooden beam that kept the top edge of the mine opening from toppling down. Evening light reached only a few feet into the stone shaft, where it quickly lost the battle between light and dark. The six of us piled our makeshift knapsacks off to one side, where they were quickly swallowed by darkness. We huddled together against one wall as the rain attempted to search us out.

“Clark, we need to move the shrubs back to block the opening,” said Gus. His voice echoed off the rock walls. “Dan, there’s a flashlight in my pack. See if you and Abs can check out the next fifteen feet or so of the tunnel. We need to get the packs on high spots in case it floods in here. Hoot, mind giving us a hand with the entrance?”

“Is it safe to head deeper in?” asked Abbey.

“Assume it’s not,” interjected Clark. “Be careful.”

“I’ll help you with the entrance,” said Katie as she moved toward the men.

“I’ll check out the mineshaft with the kids,” offered Hoot.

“I’m gonna sit for a while,” I mumbled. My back was killing me and my belly had grown tight from a contraction.

Gus nodded at me, and his face told me that he was worried. I broke my gaze with him and I scooted down the wall until I was sitting. The ground was cold and uneven. I adjusted until my butt was clear of a rather uncomfortable lump of rock. I breathed through the brutal contraction and tried to relax my shoulders. We had walked so far that I wondered if my feet were covered in blisters. My body grew warm with a hot flash, so I shrugged off the jacket I was wearing and slid off my tennis shoes. I would have rubbed my own feet if it weren’t for my enlarged belly being in the way. I couldn’t recall exactly when I had been this big with Molly, but I was sure it had taken far longer. Finally, the contraction ebbed and took with it part of my discomfort. I closed my eyes and relaxed against the cold stone behind my back.

“Abbey?” I called out when I felt another contraction begin.

“Yeah?” her voice echoed back.

“Can you bring me a bottle of water?”

I breathed through this one, which was more painful and lasted longer. I knew I was likely just dehydrated, so was glad when Abbey knelt beside me with water in hand.

“Are you ok?” she asked quietly.

I opened my eyes and smiled at her. “I’ll be fine. I just need some water and to stay off my feet for a few.”

“Want me to get Gus?”

I drank deeply from the bottle of water before nodding. A third contraction of equal, if not worse, intensity was building. I finished the water while she went to the entrance of the mine to fetch Gus. The trio outside managed to pull enough shrubbery and pieces of wood frame back in place that our natural light supply was nearly gone. It wasn’t long before Gus was at my side. The others were making their way farther into the tunnel, either to give us privacy or to distance themselves from the wet ingress and the storm that still fought to enter.

“What’s going on, darlin’? Abs said you aren’t feeling well.”

“Braxton Hicks, but they hurt,” I groaned slightly.

“You already drank water?”

“Yeah. We’re running low, though.”

“We’ll find more soon. Rivers and creeks will be flowing pretty well with the glaciers melting for the summer.” He reached into a bundle beside him and handed me another bottle of water. “Drink mine.”

I knew better than to argue, so guzzled the second bottle.

“Let’s get you onto your left side for a while and see if it calms down. We haven’t talked about it, but there’s really no way to figure an accurate timeline on your pregnancies. I think this one’s growing faster than the last.”

“Molly.”

“Yes, Molly.”

“It’s ok to use her name, Gus.”

“I know, darlin. I know.”

He ran a hand over my head gently.

“Have you felt this one move yet?”

“Yeah. A lot.”

“Ok. Is it alright if I look you over real quick?”

“Sure.”

Gus took his jacket off and bundled it into a ball before motioning for me to lay down. I put my head on the makeshift pillow and did my best to adjust the rest of myself until I was reasonably comfortable. My eyes had grown used to the dark, so when Gus turned a flashlight on I squinted. I closed my eyes and tried to think of something pleasant. Anything. I failed. I jumped in my own skin when I unexpectedly felt Gus’ cold fingers graze the taught skin of my belly as he pulled my shirt up.

“God, Zoe, why didn’t you tell me about this?” he asked quietly.

“About what?”

“The lines in your skin. The green ones are back, mixed with the white ones.”

“It’s been like that for a couple days,” I admitted.

His warm hands explored the bulge in my abdomen. His touch was reassuring and familiar, and I realized just how much I had missed it lately.

“Has she been moving a lot today?”

“A fair amount. I started feeling her about a week ago. She’s always kicking more when I’m not moving around.”

“That’s pretty normal.”

“I think the water’s helped. The contractions aren’t as strong.”

“That’s real good, darlin’. You warm enough?”

“I’ll be fine.”

The rain continued to fall steadily outside and the entrance to the mine was soon coated in a slick wet layer of mud. Yellow-orange flashes of light streaked the sky and played across the stone walls of our temporary shelter into the late hours of the night. I had assumed the phenomenon was a meteor of some sort when I first saw it the day we landed on the shores of Tatoosh Island, but now I was even more perplexed. I had come to accept that we’d never know what was causing any of this. The world had gone to shit and we were as good as alone.