Practical Magic (20 page)

“That makes him sound like he was something I picked up in a store. Like he was a grapefruit, or something on sale, and I got him half-price.” Gillian wrinkles her nose. “Anyway, it wasn’t luck.”

Kylie rolls onto her stomach so she can study her aunt’s dreamy face. “Then what was it?”

“Destiny.” Gillian closes her biology textbook. She has the best smile in the world, Kylie will certainly grant her that. “Fate.”

Kylie thinks about destiny all night long. She thinks about her father, whom she remembers only from a single photograph. She thinks about Gideon Barnes, because she could fall in love with him if she let herself, and she knows he could fall in love with her, too. But Kylie’s not so certain that’s what she wants. She’s not sure if she’s ready yet, or if she’ll ever be. Lately, she’s so sensitive and tuned in she can pick up Gillian’s dreams as she sleeps in the next bed, dreams so scandalous and hot that Kylie wakes up aroused, and then she’s more embarrassed and confused than ever.

Being thirteen is not what she hoped it would be. It’s lonely and not any fun whatsoever. Sometimes she feels she’s stumbled onto a whole secret world she doesn’t understand. When she stares at herself in the mirror she just can’t decide who she is. If she ever does figure it out, she’ll know whether she should dye her hair blond or brown, but for now, she’s in the middle. She’s in the middle about everything. She misses Gideon; she goes to the basement and takes out her chessboard, which always reminds her of him, but she can’t bring herself to call him. When she runs into any of the girls she goes to school with and they invite her to go swimming or to the mall, Kylie isn’t interested. It’s not that she dislikes them; it’s just that she doesn’t want them to see who she really is, when she herself doesn’t know.

What she does know is that awful things can happen if you don’t watch out. The man in the garden has taught her this, and it’s a lesson she won’t soon forget. Grief is all around; it’s just invisible to most people. Most people will figure out a way to stop themselves from being aware of agony—they’ll have a good stiff drink, or swim a hundred laps, or not eat anything all day, except for a small polished apple and a head of lettuce—but Kylie isn’t like that. She’s too sensitive, and her ability to feel others’ pain is getting stronger. If she passes a baby in his stroller, and he’s wailing until he’s bright red with frustration and neglect, Kylie herself is grumpy for the rest of the day. If a dog limps by with a stone embedded in its paw, or a woman buying fruit in the supermarket closes her eyes and stops to recall a boy who drowned fifteen years ago, the one she loved so much, Kylie starts to feel as if she’s going to pass out.

Sally watches her daughter and worries. She knows what happens when you bottle up your sorrow, she knows what she’s done to herself, the walls she’s built, the tower she’s made, stone by stone. But they’re walls of grief, and the tower is drenched in a thousand tears, and that’s no protection; it will all fall to the ground with one touch. When she sees Kylie climb the stairs to her bedroom Sally senses another tower being built, a single stone perhaps, yet it’s enough to chill her. She tries to talk to Kylie, but each time she approaches her, Kylie runs from the room, slamming the door behind her.

“Can’t I have any privacy?” is what Kylie answers to almost any question Sally asks. “Can’t you just leave me alone?”

The mothers of other thirteen-year-old girls assure Sally such behavior is normal. Linda Bennett, next door, insists this adolescent gloom is temporary, even though her daughter, Jessie—whom Kylie has always avoided, describing her as a loser and a nerd—recently changed her name to Isabella and has pierced her navel and her nose. But Sally hasn’t expected to go through this with Kylie, who’s always been so open and good-natured. Thirteen with Antonia was no great shock, since she’d always been selfish and rude. Even Gillian didn’t go wild until high school, when the boys realized how beautiful she was, and Sally never gave herself permission to be moody and disrespectful. She didn’t think she had the luxury to talk back; as far as she knew, nothing was legal. The aunts didn’t have to keep her. They had every right to cast her out, and she wasn’t about to give them a reason to do so. At thirteen, Sally cooked dinner and washed the clothes and went to bed on time. She never thought about whether or not she had privacy or happiness or anything else. She never dared to.

Now, with Kylie, Sally holds herself back, but it isn’t easy to do. She keeps her mouth closed, and all her opinions and good advice to herself. She flinches when Kylie slams doors; she weeps to see her pain. Sometimes Sally listens outside her daughter’s bedroom, but Kylie no longer bothers to confide in Gillian. Even that would be a relief, but Kylie has pulled away from everyone. The most Sally can do is watch as Kylie’s isolation becomes a circle: the lonelier you are, the more you pull away, until humans seem an alien race, with customs and a language you can’t begin to understand. This Sally knows better than most. She knows it late at night, when Gillian is at Ben Frye’s, and the moths tap against the window screens, and she feels so separated from the summer night that those screens might as well be stones.

It appears that Kylie will spend her whole summer alone in her room, serving time just as certainly as if she were in prison. July is ending with temperatures in the nineties, day in and day out. The heat has caused white spots to appear behind Kylie’s eyelids whenever she blinks. The spots become clouds, and the clouds rise high, and the only way to get rid of them is to do something. Quite suddenly she knows this. If she doesn’t do something, she could get stuck here. Other girls will continue, they’ll go on and have boyfriends and make mistakes, and she will be exactly the same, frozen. If she doesn’t make a move soon, they’re all going to pass her by and she’ll still be a child, afraid to leave her room, afraid to grow up.

At the end of the week, when the heat and humidity make it impossible to close windows or doors, Kylie decides to bake a cake. It is a small concession, a tiny step back into the world. Kylie goes out to buy the ingredients, and when she gets home it’s ninety-six in the shade, but that doesn’t stop her. She’s driven about this project of hers, almost as if she believes she’ll be saved by this one cake. She turns the oven to four hundred degrees and gets to work, but it’s not until the batter is ready and the pans are greased that she realizes she’s about to bake Gideon’s favorite cake.

All afternoon the cake sits on the kitchen counter, frosted and untouched, on a blue platter. When evening falls, Kylie still doesn’t know what to do. Gillian is at Ben’s, but no one answers the phone when Kylie calls to ask Gillian if she thinks it’s foolish for her to go to Gideon’s. Why does she even want to? What does she care? He was the one who was rude; shouldn’t he be the one to make the first move? He should be bringing her the damn cake, as a matter of fact—a chocolate chip pound cake with maple frosting, or mocha if that’s the best he can do.

Kylie goes to sit by her bedroom window in search of cool, fresh air, and instead discovers a toad sitting on the sill. A crab apple tree grows just outside her window, a wretched specimen that hardly ever flowers. The toad must have found its way along the trunk and the limbs, then leapt into her window. It’s bigger than most of the toads you can find near the creek, and it’s amazingly calm. It doesn’t seem frightened, not even when Kylie lifts it and holds it in her hand. This toad reminds her of the ones she and Antonia used to find in the aunts’ garden each summer. They loved cabbage and leaf lettuce and would hop after the girls, begging for treats. Sometimes Antonia and Kylie would take off running, just to see how fast the toads could go; they’d race until they collapsed with laughter, in the dust or between the rows of beans, but no matter how far they’d gone, when they turned around, the toads would be right on their heels, eyes unblinking and wide.

Kylie leaves the toad on her bed, then heads off to look for some lettuce. She feels guilty and foolish about having listened to Antonia all those times when they forced the toads to chase them. She’s not that silly anymore; she’s got more sense and a whole lot more compassion. Everyone is out and the house is more peaceful than usual. Sally is at a meeting Ed Borelli has called, to plan for the opening of school in September, a reality none of the office staff cares to recognize as inevitable. Antonia is at work, watching the clock and waiting for Scott Morrison to appear. Down in the kitchen, it’s so quiet that the water from the dripping faucet echoes. Pride is a funny thing; it can make what is truly worthless appear to be a treasure. As soon as you let go of it, pride shrinks to the size of a fly, but one that has no head, and no tail, and no wings with which to lift itself off the ground.

Standing there in the kitchen, Kylie can barely remember some of what mattered so much only a few hours ago. All she knows is that if she waits much longer, the cake will begin to go stale, or ants will get to it, or someone will wander in and cut a piece. She’ll go to Gideon’s right now, before she can change her mind.

There’s no lettuce in the refrigerator, so Kylie takes the first interesting edible she spies—half of an uneaten Snickers that Gillian left to melt on the counter. Kylie’s about to rush back upstairs, but when she turns she sees that the toad has followed her.

Too hungry to wait, Kylie guesses.

She takes the toad in her hand and breaks off a tiny sliver of the candy bar. But then the oddest thing happens: When she goes to feed the toad, it opens its mouth and spits out a ring.

“Gee.” Kylie laughs. “Thanks.”

The ring is heavy and cold when she holds it in her hand. The toad must have found it in the mud; damp earth is caked over the band so thickly it’s impossible for Kylie to see this gift for what it really is. If she stopped to examine it, if she held it up to the light and took a good look, she’d discover that the silver has a strange purple tint. Drops of blood are hidden beneath the patina of dirt. If she hadn’t been in such a hurry to get to Gideon’s, if she realized what it was she had, she would have taken that ring out to the backyard and buried it, beneath the lilacs, where it belongs. Instead, Kylie goes ahead and tosses it into the little Fiestaware saucer on which her mother keeps a pathetic example of a cactus. She grabs the cake and pushes the screen door open with her hip, and as soon as she’s outside she leans to place the toad in the grass.

“There you go,” she tells it, but the toad is still there, motionless on the lawn, when Kylie has already turned the corner onto the next block.

Gideon lives on the other side of the Turnpike, in a development that pretends to be fancier than it is. The houses in his neighborhood have decks and finished basements and French doors leading to well-tended gardens. Usually it takes Kylie twelve minutes to get there from her house, but that’s if she’s running and not carrying a large chocolate cake. Tonight, she doesn’t want to drop the cake, so her pace is measured as she walks past the gas station and the shopping center, where there are a supermarket, a Chinese restaurant, and a deli, side by side, as well as the ice cream parlor where Antonia works. Then she has a choice; she can walk past Bruno’s, the tavern at the end of the shopping center, which has a pink neon sign and a nasty feel to it, or she can cross the Turnpike and take a shortcut across the overgrown field, where everyone says a health club will soon be built, complete with an Olympic-size pool.

Since there are two guys coming out of Bruno’s, talking to each other in too-loud voices, Kylie opts for the field. She can cut through, and be two blocks away from Gideon’s. The weeds are so high and scratchy that Kylie wishes that she were wearing jeans instead of shorts. Still, it’s a pretty night, and the foul smell of the puddles at the far end of the field, where mosquitoes have been breeding all summer, is replaced by the scent of chocolate frosting from the cake Kylie’s about to deliver. Kylie is wondering if it will be too late for her to stay and play a game of one-on-one—Gideon has a regulation basketball hoop set up in his driveway, a gift of guilt from his father, right after he divorced Gideon’s mother—when she notices that the air around her is growing murky and cold. There’s a black edge to this field. Something is wrong. Kylie starts to walk faster, and that’s when it happens. That’s when they call out for her to wait up.

She sees exactly who they are and what they want when she looks over her shoulder. The two men from the tavern have crossed the Turnpike and are following her; they’re big and their shadows have a crimson cast and they’re calling her Baby. They’re saying, “Hey, don’t you understand English? Wait up. Just wait.”

Kylie can already feel her heart beating too hard, even before she starts to run. She knows what kind of men they are; they’re like the one they had to get rid of out in the garden. They get mad the way he does, for no reason at all, except some pain deep inside that they’re not even aware of anymore, and they want to hurt somebody. They want to do it right now. The cake hits against Kylie’s chest; the weeds are thorny and scratch at her. The men let out a whoop when she starts to run, as if she’s made it more fun to track her. If they’re smashed, they won’t bother to run after her, but they’re not that drunk yet. Kylie throws the cake away, and it splatters when it hits the ground, where it will be food for the field mice and the ants. She can still smell the frosting, though; it’s all over her hands. She will never again be able to eat chocolate. The scent of it will set her heart racing. The taste will turn her stomach.

They’re following her, forcing her to run toward the darkest part of the field, where the puddles are, where no one from the Turnpike can see her. One of the men is fat, and he’s fallen behind. He’s cursing at her, but why should she listen? Her long legs are worth something to her now. Out of the corner of her eye she sees the lights of the shopping center, and she knows if she keeps on going in the direction she’s headed now, the one who’s still after her will get her. That’s what he’s been telling her, and when he gets her, he’s going to fuck her brains out. He’s going to make certain she never runs away from anyone again. He’s going to take care of that little pussy of hers, and she won’t ever forget it.