Postcards From the Edge (4 page)

“Jesus! Where did that guy come from, I almost ran him over. Jesus! Jesus. Okay, okay, I am slowing down. I don’t know, somehow it got up to seventy-five. Jesus. Let’s do the rest of the blow in case we’re stopped. What did you do, hog it all?

“God, man. I should never have done this. I should never have done all this blow. I hate myself. Why did I do this? Now I have an upset stomach from the wheatgrass juice and the fuckin’ thing with the blow. I wonder if that girl with the black dress is still at the … Here we are, this is his block.

“I feel so dumb now. Why did I do that? Well, I didn’t do anything dumb. It was probably the blow. That blow did burn a little bit. Now we’ll get some better blow. I hope he has some good blow. I hope he has some blow. Maybe he has a lude, though. You know, if I could … Well, now I’m maybe in kind of a two-lude mode …

“What do you mean, I’m talking to myself? Well, obviously I’m talking to myself. I can’t talk to you. What do I have in common with someone who writes articles about stereo equipment? Jesus.

“All right, let’s just get inside, we’ll get inside. How much cash do I have? Hundred and ten, a hundred and ten bucks, that’s good. Maybe he’ll take a check, that’d be okay. I don’t like to do that, though. What if they …

“Alex. It’s Alex!”

What is this asshole, deaf?

“Hi! Hi, man, how ya doin’? Yeah, yeah, I know it’s late. Yeah, well, we were just drivin’ around and … You know Steve. Yeah. Well, can we come in? Thanks.

“So, do you have any coke? Half a gram? What do you mean? I thought you were a dealer. Can you get more?”

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Oh, shit. Oh, shit!

“Well, do you have any ludes or anything? I’m really on edge now, I’m so on edge. Well, yeah, get the half a gram, and see if … Whatever you have. Anything you have. I just want anything you have. And Steve wants whatever else there is:”

Goddamn it, why did I do this? Just give me that half a gram, and then I’ll take the half a gram, and then I’ll try and decide what to do. I’ve gotta figure out how I’m gonna get down … I don’t want to be with these people. Who are these people? I loathe these people. Look at the skin on that guy, God, it’s enough to drive anyone insane. What is that, a bug on the floor? Look at this place. God, what a dive. What a miserable dive.

I hear people. Why do I always hear people? Wait, now, this is the coke, just calm down. What’s the big deal? Just calm down. I can’t believe this, I’m not gonna be able to drive. I feel like digging a hole in the carpet. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

Is that the sun coming up? No, it’s probably just … It is, it’s the streetlight. I just hope those birds don’t come out. I’ll kill myself, I will, I’ll kill myself if those fuckin’ birds come out. I’ve gotta have those ludes, gotta have a set of ludes just to get me down. Maybe I should check his medicine cabinet, but he’s a dealer so wouldn’t he be smart about that? Nah!

“Can I use your bathroom?”

I loathe this guy. Let’s see, what’s he got? Anacin. Afrin. Actifed. Lomotil-sure, ‘cause he’s got the runs all the time from the baby laxative in his fuckin’ blow. Percodan! Jesus!Two. Two’s not usually enough, but fuck it, I’ll take the two. Endo 333, oooh, my favorite. I better run the water so they don’t hear me close this. Aaahh, that’s good, that’ll be good. I’ve taken so much blow, though. Two Percodan on all this blow won’t even matter. Maybe I should go get health food … Tomorrow I’m really …

That’s it, man, this is it. I’m gonna remember this, I’m always gonna remember this. That I’m sitting here in Brentwood with two loser guys that I have nothing in common with, doing drugs and trying to make conversation. I could kill myself. I loathe my life.

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POSTCARDS from the EDGE

I’ll neverfeel those Percodan. Goddamn it, I hope he’s got some ludes. Please let him have ludes.

“Oh, man, I feel a little better after going to the john. Hey, listen, man, you wouldn’t have any ludes or anything? I mean, I know I asked you already, but I had like a very tense day. I had some bad wheatgrass juice and … I don’t know, maybe it’s an astrological thing, but …

“Ecstasy? No, but I’ve heard of it. Yeah, right, who hasn’t? Aren’t you supposed to be with girls or something? Really? It just puts you in a good mood? Well, great, give me some. A good mood? Oh, great. No, no, I’m in a good mood now, I’m just in too strong of a mood. No, let’s, let’s … Give me one of those. Sorry, I didn’t mean to grab.

“Great! They’re big, aren’t they? Do you have anything to wash it down? Any tequila or anything? Yeah, beer’s fine. Oh, wow. So how long do these take to kick in? No, not since that juice this afternoon. Really? That quick? What’s in it, do you know? Somebody said there was heroin in it. Not this stuff? Okay, good, ‘cause that’s the one thing 1 don’t wanna do. Well, one time I snorted some, but I would never do any needles. I really think that makes you a drug addict, and me, I’m like a neck-up person:’

I feel a little nauseous all of a sudden. It’s probably the juice. “Hey, this is a nice place. I’ve never really noticed that you have a nice apartment. It’s like, kind. I don’t know if that’s an appropriate way to describe decor, but it seems so … friendly. Particularly for a dealer’s house. What is this music? This is fantastic music. Really? I usually hate Led Zeppelin. It’s so interesting, so interesting. Do you mind if I lie down near the speakers? Do you have a pillow or anything?”

God! I feel like I’m making such a fool of myself. I don’t even know these guys and I love them. I guess it’s gotta be the drug, but it doesn’t seem like the drug. Maybe this is the Percodan. I know it’s not good to mix so much, but this feels like such a good blend. Maybe this is exactly right. Maybe from now on I should only do a little cocaine, a couple of Percodan maybe, and then that Ecstasy,

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and listen to Led Zeppelin. And that’ll be my recipe. Like when I’ve been good, like I have for the past whatever. I’ve been straight … I mean, I was drinking, but I don’t count that. When I’ve been straight for this kind of a while and I really get on edge, the way to take it off is to be with these guys. I love these guys.

I mean, I don’t want to have sex with them, but that idea is not totally repellent to me, either. Steve, even though he has bad skin, is a great guy, and he’s got an ass like a girl. I never noticed that before. Oh, I’m so happy. I think I’ve really turned this experience around.

“Steve. Don’t ever leave me. I can’t imagine being separated from you people. Ever.”

I want to bond with them on some level. I want to show them how I feel. Maybe this is too excessive. Yeah, I should just get more into the music.

That girl at the party in black … Even the party seems nice now. Maybe we should … No, I’d have to move. Maybe I could call the party and tell them to send the girl here. Thatwould be perfect.

I just feel at one with everything. I remember the time I took acid, and I took the wrong end of the cardboard and it never came on. Maybe this is like acid. But everything looks the same, it just looks nicer. Nicer to be with. Maybe I should decorate my apartment like this.

My nose still hurts, though. Maybe I should never take cocaine again. Yeah, from now on I’ll just take Ecstasy every so often. It’s probably better for me. They only just made it illegal, so how bad could it be? And they haven’t even said it’s bad for you. They just don’t really know yet what it does to you.

How could I not have found this before? I’m so happy. Maybe I should just call the party and ask for that girl. What’d he say her name was? No, maybe I’ll just … Is it rude to jerk off in people’s houses? I’ll just get up and …

“No, no, no, I’m okay, man. I just wanna use your can. What? No, I’ve snorted heroin, but I would never shoot it. Oh, you would do it for me. Well, I suppose that doesn’t count, then, right? But I wouldn’t have to … ? And it’d just be a little bit, right?”

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It seems like it would be good. Heroin’s like the natural drug. I don’t know, though. This is so weird.

“You wouldn’t do anything bad to me, would you? You have such a great expression on your face right now. All right, sure, I’ll trust you. But just give me a little bit. And Steve, you’re driving us back, right? Well, maybe I’ll just crash here then. That’s cool, right? I like Brentwood.”

I can’t believe this. I’m tying off. This is so weird. I never thought I would do this. But I’m just gonna do it once.

“Okay.”

Oh, my God! Now I understand everything. This is so intensely great. Smack. It sounds like a breakfast cereal. It sure doesn’t feel like a breakfast cereal. Shit, I love this. It’s like floating down the Nile in your mind. Deep sea diving in your head. This must be wellbeing.

Does this make me a drug addict? No, I’m just celebrating tonight. What a great night this is.

I’ll never do cocaine again. Uh-uh. Maybe a little Ecstasy, a little heroin, but I’ll never do cocaine again. And I’m gonna start working out tomorrow. I’m gonna start an aerobic workout tomorrow on my bike. Maybe tomorrow afternoon. I wish I’d never had that wheatgrass juice, though. I feel sort of nauseous.

“Oops, sorry, man. Let me clean it up:”

God, that was the easiest puke I’ve ever had. I wish I could have always thrown up that way. That felt almost good.

“Sure, take my car. I’ll wait here. I’ll just … be … here . . :’

What a nice, kind apartment this is. I think everyone should just love each other. That’s what I think.

I don’t know when I’ve felt this rested. I’ve never truly been relaxed. I’m finally relaxed. I feel like Jesus slipped me in the pocket of his robe, and we’re walking over long, long stretches of water.

My parents were so fabulous to have had me. This is just … everything. My teeth feel so soft. This is why people take this. It wouldn’t even be so bad to die of really good heroin. I wouldn’t mind just living two more weeks and dying at the end of it if I could have two weeks

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like this. Although it would be much better to have years and years. I don’t think you can even call this a drug. This is just a response to the conditions we live in.

I wonder what that art student at the party is doing. She had such soft, silky hair. She seemed so invested in everything, like the now was exactly where she wanted to be. And now I know how she feels. This is perfect.

If she were here now, it would be like Adam and Eve. We would make this the Garden of Eden, this apartment. Anywhere we were would be the Garden of Eden. And I could really communicate with my heart. It’s just a question of finding the right person. If she were here now, I would just hold her and hold her and hold her, like we were twins waiting to be born out of this apartment in Brentwood.

She’s probably my soulmate. What if I met my soulmate and now I’ll never see her again? But we met and kissed on the astral plane. We flew in the astral plane, and now I’m flying toward her. If she’s my soulmate, and I truly believe she is, we’ll meet again. We’re always meeting. There is no meeting for soulmates. They’re always together and never apart.

We’ll have a child, and we’ll bring it up on heroin so that it’ll have a happy childhood. And I’ll buy her lots and lots of black shirts and sweaters. And she’ll play the bongo drums in a jazz club in the East Village, while I recite stream-of-consciousness poetry that everyone thinks is brilliant. I am brilliant. I’m everything.

Sometimes I wonder if I really am Jesus, but I just haven’t grown into it yet.

I wonder what color Jesus’s eyes were. And if he needed glasses.

He had the sweetest face …

POSTCARDS from the EDGE SUZANNE AND ALEX

DAY SIXTEEN

They brought a new guy in today, Alex. He’s very goodlooking, in a Heathcliff sort of way. He had a seizure an hour ago. I didn’t see it, but Sam said it was pretty amazing.

Carl told me Sam was in jail for rape. My reply was, “Oh.” I casually asked Sam about it, and he said he was framed-that his friend had done it. I asked him what he did when he wasn’t in jail, and he said he was a scalper. He told me he’d sold tickets to the concert of an ex-boyfriend of mine, as if to say, “What a coincidence that we should finally meet.” Sam is homophobic and hates Bart. He calls him “Barf.”

Wanda told me she likes to be tied up and have her clothes torn off before sex. She said it really makes her happy. I don’t know what makes me happy, but that doesn’t ring a bell.

… That fucker Steve! How did he find my parents’ number? How could they have put me in a drug clinic? This is humiliating.

So I overdosed. Well, of course I did. I’d never shot heroin before. I told them I’ll never do it again. I was on Ecstasy and I thought it would be okay. I was more open to the heroin because of the Ecstasy and the Percodan. So I won’t take Ecstasy again. I only took it in the first place because he didn’t have ludes. I’ve gotta get out of here.

How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? I’m in here with drug addicts. It’s so degrading. I keep telling them I’m not an addict, but they laugh at me. My problem isn’t drugs, it was just those two drugs that made the other one possible. I hope they didn’t tell Joan.

Detox! I took heroin once, what am I detoxing from? My motherGod, she was upset-said something about alcohol withdrawal, but I didn’t drink … Well, I drank every day, but I didn’t drink like they

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imply I drank. I can’t be an alcoholic. That’s insane. I’m twenty-nine years old.

And they expect me to go to these meetings, these Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I don’t like groups. I like to be alone. I’m kind of a lone animal by nature. I can just imagine the kind of scum you’d meet there. Greg Friedman used to go all the time, and he had to stop. He said, “I never would have taken drugs with half those people. How am I supposed to get straight with them?” He died of cocaine poisoning, but I really trusted him.

It’s so wimpy to have to lean on groups of people. Do it alone! It’s a private matter. I think it’s bullshit to go to a public place to handle a private matter. I don’t want someone getting in my face and talking about drugs all the time. It’s just mindless. And then what happens? You give up drugs, and then you do something else to death. I want to do this to death. If I’m going to do something to death, I mean, which I don’t think I am. You learn from your mistakes, I think. You’re human, you have to fall down a little bit, and you learn from that. Pain is growth.