Postcards From the Edge (3 page)

Then she told us this story of how her first AA sponsor had gotten this horrible kind of cancer, and her sponsor believed in God. So this lady couldn’t understand how she could believe in a God who would make her suffer like that. And her sponsor said, “God never gives us any more than we can handle, so if he gives you a lot to handle, take it as a compliment. It’s because he believes that you can handle a lot.” It was such a powerful thought, I wanted to brand it into my brain.

When I got back to my room, there were flowers from the guy who pumped my stomach: The note said that he could tell I was a very sensitive person. I’d have to be sensitive to need all that Percodan.

I’m tempted to marry him, just to be able to tell people how we met.

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POSTCARDS from the EDGE

ALEX

… That’s it, I’ve quit. This time I’ve really quit. I’m not doing cocaine anymore. If someone came up and offered me cocaine I wouldn’t do it. I doubt that anyone will offer it to me, though. No one offers cocaine anymore. It used to be a way that people got friendly, sharing a few toots, but now everyone hoards their cocaine.

My first party without drugs. Interesting. I mean, when I was a little kid I always went to birthday parties straight, but that was a while ago.

I wonder if anyone here even has any cocaine. That guy Steve looks like he might, he usually has some. I loathe that guy, but he always has great cocaine …

No, I promised myself I would not do any cocaine, because that last time was such a nightmare and … But it was fun in the beginning. Sometimes it’s fun. I don’t know, Freud took it, so how bad could it be?

But this is the new me. I’m totally on a health kick. I have not taken any cocaine in four days. I don’t even like it anymore. I never really did like it, I just did it ‘cause it was around. And I don’t think I was really heavy into it, not like Steve over there. Steve is really, really into cocaine. I would say he’s got a problem. He can’t stop. Well, sometimes he stops for a while, but he can’t stay stopped. I really think I can. I think I have willpower, I just haven’t used it in a while. I’ve been kind of on a willpower break, but now I feel it’s coming back. I really think I can stay with this commitment of not doing cocaine.

Besides, this healthy life is great. I really love this being straight. You know, you see people jogging and you think, “Yuuucccchh,“but I’m getting on. I’m in my late twenties, and I think taking drugs was all part of being young. I don’t think I had a problem, I think I was just young. And that by definition isn’t a problem, it’s just a point in your life when it seems okay to take a lot of cocaine. And then that point passes.

I don’t know, I think it was the bad relationship I was in that really determined my drug intake. And now Joan’s left me, and I really

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feel good about myself. I mean I want to. And I went to that juice bar today and bought chlorophyll juice, that green drink. It gave me diarrhea, but I really feel good tonight. And I feel like it’s a beginning. You go to a place like that and you buy the chlorophyll juice and the carrot juice, and you’re making a statement. And I bought some new sneakers, I’m gonna start running … I actually got up at nine thirty this morning and moved my exercise bike right next to my bed, so tomorrow morning I know I’m just gonna hop on that cycle. Ten minutes is enough for aerobics, I guess. And then maybe I’ll go to that Canyon Ranch health spa. Maybe then I could meet a really great girl. I think if I meet someone who doesn’t do drugs, then we won’t do them together, obviously, and that’ll really help me. I think all of these choices reflect where you’re at with you.

The only thing that bothers me is the idea of giving it up completely. I should be able to celebrate every now and again. Like if I stay straight for a while, I should be able to celebrate by getting loaded. I don’t see what’s wrong with that. Steve does that, but Steve has a problem. I think that once I get this under control, I’ll be able to do it. And I really feel like I’ve made a strong beginning. God, my stomach is upset from that juice, though. I wonder if everything good for you tastes awful. I hope not, because I’m really gonna get into it.

Steve looks kind of loaded now. That looks so awful. You see people and they’re loaded and … Look how dumb it looks. That looks so stupid. I can’t believe I ever did it. I feel so good about being on the other side of it now. It really erodes your self-esteem to make a decision like not taking drugs and then taking them. The thing is, I also think you can take a little bit, and not do it to excess. Not everybody can-obviously there are some personality types who can’t do anything a little bit-but I’m not one of those. There are certain areas of my life where I do a very little bit, and I think if I practice, one of those areas could be cocaine.

Well, maybe not cocaine, but maybe I could take a speed pill every so often. I love what speed and coke do to my weight. It’s unnatural, I know. I could just exercise …

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POSTCARDS from the EDGE

God, there’s that great feeling right at the beginning. If you get some good coke. From now on, I’m just gonna do good coke. When I do it, I’m gonna make sure. I’ll never go to the dealer in Brentwood again. Never. I think that was the problem. His coke hurts your face, it becomes a chore to do it. I’ll just do pharmaceutical, that’s not hard on the membrane, and I really want to take care of my body. I think I’m unusual, because even during all those years when I was doing drugs, I still sometimes went to the gym. Joan accused me of trying to maintain my body so I could destroy it with chemicals, but I think that’s a little harsh. And even if I did, I’m certainly better off than someone like Steve, who’s just frying himself and eating burgers and sugar. I eat no carcinogenic food, I’m drinking some juices now … I went overboard today, but …

I’m tired. Who’s that girl? She’s attractive … Aauugggh, I don’t want to get into another relationship thing again. God, I’m so tired. I shouldn’t be drinking. I shouldn’t have started drinking, ‘cause I associate the two, alcohol and cocaine. I’m just gonna not drink now. Oh, he sees me, he’s coming over. I should ignore him so he gets that I’m not interested in doing any

“Hi, Steve, how ya doin’? Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. No, I feel okay. I don’t look that bad. I have a stomach thing today. How are you? You seem very up. No, I’m … I’m not doing any right now. I’ve quit. Yeah. No, I feel great. No, I’m serious. What do you mean, that’s not a great line reading? I feel great. I’m absolutely committed to this. No, I don’t mean it like a judgment on you. I think it’s fine that some people still do coke, you know? I don’t think it’s weak …

“No, I don’t think I had a problem. It’s just that my nose started … I don’t know. I’ll probably end up still doing a little bit every so often, you know. Not right now. Maybe … well, like, maybe … I don’t know, let me just … Is there food at this party? All right, maybe like a hit, but that’s-who is that girl over there?-that’s it, though. I’m gonna do … No, this is … I’m not … All right, give me one hit. But don’t give me any more even if I ask you to. This is good coke, right? It’s not from Brentwood? All right, one hit.

“(sniff) Mmmmmhh! (sniff) Ooohhhh, fantastic. Oh, great Shit,

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that’s great! Mmmmhhhhh! It just burns a little bit. There’s not much cut in it, right? Yeah? It’s good. No, I really don’t need any more. 1 mean, I can handle it, I just think that was it. You know, people come to a party and they do one hit to break the tension, and I think I can really master that now. I can do a little bit.

“God, I feel so … I really feel good about my commitment to not doing drugs. I mean, just doing a little bit of drugs. Feel my arm. I feel really good. Well, I know I don’t look that great, but I didn’t sleep that much and I drank this bad juice.

“Let’s go over and talk to that girl. I wanna go over and talk to that girl. Who is that girl? Lisa what? What is she, an actress or something? I loathe actresses. She looks smart, though. Smart people always wear black. Who’s the guy she’s talking to? Craig? I wanna go talk to her. God, he’s such a loser. I should talk to her, I’m like a real guy. I have to go talk to her. Give me another hit of that stuff, maybe I’ll go talk to her. I know what I said, I know what I said. Just give me one more hit. What are you, stingy with the blow now? I’ll help pay for it. I’m just gonna do it … Like, I’m gonna celebrate not doing it by doing a little bit. (sniff) Mmmmhh! (sniff) Yeesssss!

“I wish there was something like holistic blow, you know what I mean? That there would be some way in nature you could take blow and it would be good for you. I wish my doctor would make me take it for some weird ailment I have. This is good coke, though. This is really good. How much did you pay for this? Not bad. That is not bad. And who did you get it from? Oh, yeah, I had some once from him that was so great. Remember the night we … Give me another hit. Give me one more hit.

“(sniff) Aaaahhh! (sniff) Ooooww! No, it’s not the coke, it’s me. I had this cold last week. Actually, I think it was more my sinuses. I have a sinus problem, or I seem to more in the last couple of years. I don’t know, I have to go to a doctor at some point.

“Nah, I don’t want to talk to that girl anyway. I wanna talk to you. I’ve missed you. I really feel like I can talk to you, I really feel we have a lot in common. I know we don’t see each other much socially, but I’ve gotta say every time that we’ve spent time together,

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POSTCARDS from the EDGE

I’ve enjoyed it. Remember the night in Vegas when we met? You weren’t actually dealing then, were you? Someone said you were a dealer once, I nearly punched the guy out. You’re like a really good guy, man. I really like you.

“Think we can get any more of this stuff? ‘Cause, I mean, I’m quitting after tonight anyway because, I don’t know, I should start taking care of myself. Whew, my heart is really palpitating. You think if I took one more hit it might calm me down a little bit? I know that sounds like a dumb cocaine question, but I think if you do a certain amount and then taper off, you can hit that peak and really be buzzing, you know, when you feel like the world is lined up just exactly right. God, I sure love life. Can I have another hit?

“I think this is good for me-to test my resistance. I mean, I think it’s wimpy to give up cocaine. Master the drug, that’s the key-the total key to the whole thing. I mean, people who actually have to go and give it up-it just shows they’re weak. They go to groups like Cocaine Anonymous and those people, they always fuckin’ talk about drugs. You know? It’s like all they do is not do drugs. Well, man, I’d rather do drugs. Do you have another hit?

“Man, this party’s a drag. I don’t know, I feel so agitated and, you know, itchy to … Can we go to your place? Hey, come over to mine. Well, let’s just go outside then, let’s walk around. There’s nobody here that I like. God, look, they’re eating. Uuggh, look at that shit, it looks awful. Come on, let’s go outside and talk.

“Did I ever tell you I graduated with honors from high school? Yeah, I was a real brainy kid. Very precocious. I don’t know, I thought I’d go into writing because it interested me. But I gotta tell you, the environment at the networks is just not that exciting. I’d rather be in music, you know, but I don’t play an instrument. Maybe I could learn, though. I feel now like I could learn an instrument. Do you play an instrument? That’s interesting, that’s very interesting. We both don’t play any instruments. But, you know, I feel that you, like me, we have the spirit of musicians. You know, sitting around communicating. I think artists do that.

“That girl in black, maybe she’s an artist. I’ve always wanted to

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CAR R I E F I S HER

meet someone who wrote poetry and went to jazz clubs, and she’d draw me into her life and we’d become soulmates. I wonder if I have a soulmate.

“Can I have some more blow? One more hit, ‘cause I’m like really cresting now. Maybe we could just buy a little, what the hell? This is a party. I have not been getting loaded. This is a reason to celebrate.

“(sniff) Aaaahh! (sniff) Ooohhh! There is like an edge on this, though, don’t you think? Am I sweating? I look all right, don’t I? I don’t look paranoid, do I? Sometimes I get paranoid that I look paranoid. I don’t want anyone to think I’m paranoid. It’s not like 1 care what people think, but sometimes I do. I admit it. I’m a human being. I’ve always cared a little bit what people think.

“But anyway, I like it when it’s like this, you know, and we’re just talking. This is a great conversation, man. We should be taping this. So, what do you do? You’re writing? What are you writing about? Articles on stereo equipment. That’s fascinating. So should we go buy some more of this blow? He’s out? Well, let’s go to Brentwood. No, that’s true, he usually has shitty blow, but it’s not that expensive and he’s always there.

“Are my gums bleeding? It feels tike my gums are bleeding. I don’t know why, I must have cut myself talking. Maybe we could get a lude, too, because I’m starting to feel very … unhappy. I don’t mean unhappy, literally, but it’s like I wanna be somewhere else but I don’t know where I wanna be … let’s go to Brentwood. Let’s just, fuck it, let’s go to Brentwood. Leave your car here, I’ll drive you back later. How many toots do we have left? Shit, well, let’s go to Brentwood.

“God, I wish I hadn’t had that wheatgrass juice, I feel awful. Shit, they really should give you instructions with health food. Anything taken to excess can be unhealthy, even healthy stuff. But forget about excess, I don’t even think it’s that good for you in moderation. Nothing green can be good for you, can it? Uuugghh! Give me some more. Let’s just do the last hit, just so we can get into the car and get to the next stop. (sniff) (sniff).

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POSTCARDS from the EDGE

“What’s the matter with you? You look tense. Are you okay? God, what time is it? Sometimes I get so nervous and I don’t know why, you know? I heard this phrase once, `contentless fear,’ and I think that’s what I have now. ‘Cause there’s no reason why I should be this jumpy. I mean, I’m comfortable with you, or I was comfortable with you. I’m sorry I’m talking so much. I don’t know, it just must be the night. God, what a night.