Portraits (90 page)

“Get Henry settled and proceed with a divorce—which should be done as quickly as possible. Las Vegas, Reno, whatever. Meanwhile, New York is only five hours away. In fact, I have to be in Los Angeles in about ten days, we can meet there…”

How much she wanted to say yes. But it had just happened too quickly. She hadn’t really thought it would go beyond a lovely, unexpected romance…“Aaron, I simply must have time to get used to this whole—”

“Maybe spending the next week together will help. Just remember,
you’re not hurting anybody
.”

If she could just believe
that
…Without giving her any more time to think, he took her in his arms and once again…

During the next ten days Doris desperately tried not to think of Henry. Instead, she played a game, living each day as if it were going to last forever.

But the days defied her. The night before she left, as she lay in Aaron’s arms, he said, “Well…what have you decided?”

“To spend the rest of my life with you.”

Holding her very close, he said, “Doris, remember, I’m no further away than the telephone.”

“Twenty-five hundred miles away.”

“I’m practically a commuter. I’ve forgotten how many times I was in San Francisco this year.”

As she sat in the plane on the flight back to San Francisco, she couldn’t tear her thoughts away from Aaron. He seemed to fill every part of her being, and how she had managed to wrench herself away from him in those last few minutes before the departure she would never know…

She tried to divert her mind by looking at the in-flight movie, but what she saw on the screen was herself in his arms. They belonged…they really belonged together.

S
HE REALIZED HER NEED
for Aaron even more when the taxi stopped in front of the house in Seacliff. But when she stood in the hall and looked at Henry’s sweet face…he seemed so pathetic, almost childlike, that she could hardly hold back the tears. How was she going to do this? He was so overjoyed at seeing her. She knew what Aaron had said was logical and realistic, but how could you take your happiness at somebody else’s expense?

The moment Henry went for a walk with Mrs. Henderson, Doris called Aaron. “Darling, I just got home a little while ago and I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind. I miss you so—”

“Same here…How was it when you got home?”

“Difficult, but I’ll keep working on it, Aaron.”

“It’ll get easier, darling…now, don’t forget next Thursday. I’ll meet you at the airport. Get the twelve o’clock PSA and I think we’ll just about have it timed right. Oh yes, please remember that this not-so-old party is crazy about you…”

The day before she was to meet Aaron, Doris went with Henry for his walk. As they sat in Union Square, she watched as he threw bread crumbs to the pigeons. Again, it struck her how much he was like a sweet child…

“Henry, come on, darling. Let’s have a cup of coffee.”

“Oh, no. I couldn’t drink coffee, Doris.”

“Well, then I’ll have a coffee and you can have sherbet.”

“I’d like orange, I’d like that…”

As they sat in a small coffee shop on Geary Street, she said, “Henry, I have to go to Los Angeles to do a promotion spot, and to see my agent.”

“That means you have to go on a plane?”

“Yes, I have to take a plane.”

“I don’t like flying, Doris…”

“I know, Henry, but that’s a part of my life now.”

Thankfully, his protests were mild, and the fact that he liked Mrs. Henderson so much made it easier for her to leave him.

The next morning when she waited for the taxi, he said, “Have a good time, honey. Are you going back to New York?”

“No, dear. I told you I was going to Los Angeles, but I’ll call this evening.”

That night at dinner at the Beverly Hills Hotel she said, “I never knew falling in love at any age could be so painful, and wonderful…”

“I haven’t exactly been Mr. Tranquillity since you left. I’ve missed you, Doris…”

“How, with my compulsive calling? I’ve just discovered something about myself that I didn’t know existed. I can be very possessive…I know I’m already jealous of every moment we’re not together. So you’d just better be aware of what you’re getting into…”

He smiled. “Madam, after all these years of not having anybody care that much…that’s music to my ears…and while we’re on the subject of dark revelations, I should tell you that being patient isn’t one of my strong suits…Have you made any plans yet?”

“Well…I’ve looked into some good places…now it’s a question of getting up the courage to talk to him—”

“How long do you think that will be?”

“First I want to discuss this with a psychologist and find out what the best approach is—which I realize I should have done before…Once I have him settled, I’ll go to…Las Vegas. And if it’s possible during the time I’m there, maybe you’ll be able to spend a little time with me. Otherwise, I’m liable to run off with a croupier.”

“Be assured that I’m not going to go through six weeks without seeing the lady in my life.”

“Aaron, how did I ever get so lucky? And so late? I just keep saying it’s happening to someone else.”

“You know, darling, we ought to send your publisher a special invitation to the wedding.”

“Why?”

“Because if he hadn’t been smart enough to publish your book, I’d never have met you. I don’t like to think about it.”

“Me either. I’ll bless him forever.”

The next days went by all too quickly. The love between them had been so good, so complete…Aaron saw Doris off at the airport—then waited around to catch his flight to New York…

The moment Doris arrived home Mrs. Henderson told her, “Mrs. Levin, your sister, Mrs. Fuller, has been calling.”

Doris felt a sinking feeling, as though she were being towed under. As she dialed the number and sat listening to the ringing, she thought, God, I’ve never even met Lillian’s husband. Wasn’t that unthinkable…?

Finally, Lillian answered.

Awkwardly, Doris said, “How are you, Lillian?”

There was a long pause. “Terrible, Doris. Mama’s in the hospital. She’s dying and has asked to see you.”

Doris started to cry as Lillian told her that mama was dying of leukemia—The betrayal, the years of rejection—it was still very real but it seemed so insignificant in the face of this news. Strange, all this time mama hadn’t called once. But now, at the very end, Doris was being forgiven for
her
sins…“Will you come, Doris?”

“Yes, of course.”

Doris’ hands were trembling so that she could hardly hang up the phone. All the old fears and uncertainties from the past seemed to come over her…Mama was throwing her out after she’d had a new baby…Please, Henry, I can’t go on this way, I beg you, find a place for us, anything…Papa, help me, I need some money to get settled, don’t you remember what it was like to be poor? She needed Aaron, and started to dial his number, then realized he wouldn’t have arrived in New York yet. Try to control yourself, Doris. But she had to speak to him, feel his strength before she could go to the hospital. Thank God, Henry was out with Mrs. Henderson. She couldn’t have faced seeing him, not now. Today she wasn’t up to any more dissembling…

She backed her car out of the garage and drove up to Coit Tower and sat on the parapet, feeling the misty breezes of the Bay, looking out at the green hills of Marin and the enormous span of the Golden Gate Bridge. It somehow made her feel very small and very lonely, but there was also a comfort in the serenity of the scene. Finally she glanced at her watch and got up to leave. Aaron would be home by now…Quickly she walked back to the car and drove down the winding hill to Lombard Street and then home.

When she opened the door she heard the sound of the television. Henry was watching the news. She went up to the privacy of her room and placed the call to Aaron.

“Hello.”

That simple word spoken by him was what she most needed at this moment. He was there, and God, how she needed him.

“Aaron…”

“You’re psychic…I just came through the door.”

“I know. Aaron—” Her voice broke.

“What’s wrong?”

“My mother’s…dying. I just wanted to hear your voice before going to the hospital.”

“Oh, God, Doris…I wish there was a way I could help—”

“You have…I don’t know what’s going to happen. I may not be able to call for a few days but at least you’ll understand why.”

“Of course. I love you, Doris. If you need me, I’m here.”

When Doris walked into her mother’s room and saw her frail, withered body, it seemed impossible that life could be quite so cruel. Her mother, who had once been so beautiful, was all but unrecognizable.

Sara feebly put out her hand. “Thank you for coming, Doris…I should have called you long ago, I really meant to, but…guilt is a terrible thing, it’s a killer…I just hope you’ll forgive me…and forgive papa too. We make terrible mistakes in our lives, Doris…just forgive us if you can…”

“I did that a long time ago, mama. Now you have to forgive yourself…”

There was really nothing more to say, for either one of them. The feeble old lady cried with the few tears she had left. Doris bent over and kissed the wrinkled face. Swallowing back the tears, she walked down the hall to where Lillian and Rachel stood with Jacob.

The change in him was almost as shocking as in her mother. His hair had gone entirely white, and his once magnificent body seemed bent and wasted. At first he didn’t even recognize her because he could barely see, and he didn’t hear her footsteps because his hearing was impaired. Oh my God, the toll that time had taken, how handsome papa had been. She couldn’t help remembering…looking out of the window that long ago Fourth of July and watching him hose down the truck. How vivid the memory was, even after all these years of separation…

Doris walked to her father and put her arms around him, crying openly…some for her loss, more for his. He’d been such a stubborn, proud man. How painful for him to be dependent on someone to be his eyes and his ears. Papa…mama…their lives hadn’t even really gotten off to a very good beginning, but maybe they weren’t responsible. Maybe they had just done the best they knew how…

“Doris,” she heard her father say.

Holding back the tears, she nodded her head. “Yes, papa. I’m here.”

They felt no recriminations, no anger, no bitterness even…just lost years that could never be recaptured. They both felt it in that moment of closeness, and sensed that each accepted it…

The three sisters waited in the corridor through the long night. Doris kept her own counsel…Rachel, a grandmother four times. Still blonde, but a little brassy now. Still beautiful, but age and indulgence had left their mark on her face. Lillian too had aged. She was matronly now, gray, and seemed faintly weary. Doris was surprised that she herself seemed to have emerged looking the least scarred, being the least scarred, in spite of everything. Like she’d once said to herself, she guessed she was a late bloomer…

Rachel sensed the transformation in her sister. “You certainly have changed, Doris. In fact of all of us, you the most,” Rachel said.

Doris noticed she didn’t say “for the better”…It was almost as though Rachel were jealous of
her
…the funny little kid, fat Doris. Except fat Doris was, thank God, no more.

“Well, Rachel, I guess I just had to try the hardest, I needed the most remodeling.”

“Well, it seems to have turned out fine for you…I understand you wrote a book?”

“So they say, Rachel. No big deal.”

Rachel smiled coolly…“Well, maybe the next one will do better for you.”

Lillian was getting annoyed with Rachel. Yes, her husband had died and she’d not been the same since, but this was no time for a show of bitterness, and especially at Doris, who hardly deserved it after the trouble the family had already given her. Unlike Rachel, Lillian took some pleasure in Doris’ success and had followed her career carefully, if secretly. It helped assuage some of the guilt…

They talked about their mother, Lillian telling them about the last few years of her life. She had spent her time in and out of hospitals, but although her illness only became more serious it seemed that she had at last found peace. She had Jacob’s full love and attention, which was perhaps all she had ever really wanted…

Sara died at three that morning, and though they left together, the mourners—sisters and father—were very much alone, each in their separate thoughts…

After the funeral, they all went back to Jacob’s. Doris sat and surveyed the people who were gathered in the room. A family reunion. Rachel’s son Larry and his wife and children were present. Doris was seeing Cindy and Candy for the first time since they were little girls, and here they were with children of their own. Dan Fuller seemed to be a man she would like to have known better, and his devotion to Lillian was obvious. Michele had flown from Reno with Steven and Pamela. Strange, Doris thought, mama had perhaps never even realized they existed…The only grandchildren and great-grandchildren missing were Gary and his family. But other members were missing too, Jim Ross was gone, Shlomo…Jerry Gould gone too…

Dear God, the lives that had been spent, Doris thought. But she was also beginning to realize that what counted wasn’t so much that lives had been spent as
how
they had been spent. Looking at her father, sitting broken and inconsolable, she thought back to the life he had led with her mother. It was the past that had brought them all to this moment, and the memories would not be stilled…She was a child once again, listening to the name-calling, the violent arguments, the front door slamming, the screech of tires as the car wheeled sharply out of the driveway, followed by mama’s bitter weeping, and her own fear that mama and papa were going to get a divorce…It was a way of life for her parents. But after sixty or more years of battle, at the end papa loved mama and showed a protectiveness and affection he wasn’t able to give her in health. How complicated human beings were, Doris thought. She didn’t entirely understand her father but one thing she knew for sure—papa would not survive long without mama. He was lost without her. Whatever the quality of their life together, she had become the core of his existence. They had shared so much for so long…this Jacob Sandsonitsky and Sara Edelstein. And now their story was over.